Withdrawal.
Ah. Friend withdrawal. One of the many symptoms of a lonely summer.
You know, part of me wants this loneliness, and the other part just wants to be surrounded by my friends. I was talking to Richard (who IMed me from an internet café in Oxford, England) and I was pleased to hear that he was okay. I'm not very sturdy when it comes to British geography, so I wasn't really aware of the fact that Oxford is an hour away from London. I'm still worried nonetheless and I hope he and his friends are okay in abroad. I was also pleased to know that Kate was with Richard. I haven't talked to Kate in ages (a few months, I'd say), so it was good to talk to her.
Richard brought up a good point. He said that he misses people, and he is only reminded of this because he sees people that remind him of everybody else back home. I miss people in a different sense, I guess. I miss them because everybody else around me seems inadequate -- all of the new people, the strangers, the old friends who are randomly dropping in. They all seem half-empty, like they there isn't really any substance to what they say. They seem like they've missed the boat. Seeing them makes me realize why we all grew apart.
Anyways, as for missing people, it's such a weird feeling. It makes me feel like an escape artist gone wrong. Two weeks ago, all I wanted to do was leave Greenwich. I've basically lived out of a suit case for the past two weeks, coming and going, catching planes and trains, all to get out of here and away from everything that reminds me of my family -- most notably my father. I wanted to leave so badly, but when I was gone, I kept feeling guitly about it, so I kept finding excuses to come back home. I failed, in that sense. As soon as I left I wanted to come back, and now that I'm back to where I started, I just want to leave again.
I'm guessing that my escape antics gone wrong are coming from all of the emptiness around me. I feel like there's a black hole around my house sucking out anything that could possibly be comforting, so I'm searching for my friends that are always there to listen to me, but I can't find them. They've all disappeared. Eric is at Chinese SAT camp (a hellhole in itself), Richard is in Britain, Bill is in Germany, Aerim is probably off in Jersey or Queens (one can never be sure, but all I know is that she isn't in Greenwich), Mike is in Maine, Elliot is in Philadelphia, Lindsay is all over the place (I don't want a friend that's all over the place. I want it all to be stable like it was before...), Emily J. is in South Dakota living on a Lakota reservation, and I don't want to seek out Emily S. I don't want to hear what she has to say, because I know it will not mean anything to me, but I also know that it won't be what I want to hear. I need time away from her to get this friendship back to where it was last September. Seeking her out just wouldn't be the right thing to do at the moment.
It's so annoying how everybody is away at the same time.
On a different note, I have another tale from an escape plan ended.
I just got back from the country up in New York state -- very open, many trees, horses, cows, etc. It was a cathartic experience, seeing all of that open land, and I must admit that I felt most American when I saw it. I felt as if that was the right thing to be doing, the right place to be, the right place to seek out to get away from it all. I was wrong, because after two days it didn't feel right -- it felt quite the opposite. I felt even more detatched from everybody, and I really wanted to go home. Getting home was refreshing, too. Lindsay's mom drove us to the Bronx, and from the Bronx, we took the train (Fordham-Greenwich), got off, and had some cheap coffee and a bagel. It was raining like mad, and Lindsay's boyfriend drove me home, which I was grateful for.
Not such a story, but I'm just glad to be back. This trip started the night after I got back from Florida, which was fun at times, partially because I was with Mary and Lisa, but got old pretty quick, partially because I was with Mary and Lisa. I couldn't take the cliquey attitudes. They're both seniors, so I really felt like a junior on this trip, more so than others, simply because they made me feel like a junior for some parts of the trip. And besides that, I hate the heat (and the south).
Elliot was right -- this escaping isn't a good thing, and it isn't helping me out at all. He can now have the pleasure of telling me that he was right, I was wrong, etc, etc.
On a lighter note, Mrs. Boyea called in for me, and she informed me of my AP exam grade. I got a 5! I'm thoroughly excited about that and I really want to know everybody elses scores.
On another random note, I took pictures and saturated/de-saturated them out of boredom. Because I am a camera whore and I found myself to be very interesting today dressed up in a sweater in July (a very cold day, I might add!), I decided to snap them.
I don't do the emo thing -- I just have a penchant for nice sweaters.
You know, part of me wants this loneliness, and the other part just wants to be surrounded by my friends. I was talking to Richard (who IMed me from an internet café in Oxford, England) and I was pleased to hear that he was okay. I'm not very sturdy when it comes to British geography, so I wasn't really aware of the fact that Oxford is an hour away from London. I'm still worried nonetheless and I hope he and his friends are okay in abroad. I was also pleased to know that Kate was with Richard. I haven't talked to Kate in ages (a few months, I'd say), so it was good to talk to her.
Richard brought up a good point. He said that he misses people, and he is only reminded of this because he sees people that remind him of everybody else back home. I miss people in a different sense, I guess. I miss them because everybody else around me seems inadequate -- all of the new people, the strangers, the old friends who are randomly dropping in. They all seem half-empty, like they there isn't really any substance to what they say. They seem like they've missed the boat. Seeing them makes me realize why we all grew apart.
Anyways, as for missing people, it's such a weird feeling. It makes me feel like an escape artist gone wrong. Two weeks ago, all I wanted to do was leave Greenwich. I've basically lived out of a suit case for the past two weeks, coming and going, catching planes and trains, all to get out of here and away from everything that reminds me of my family -- most notably my father. I wanted to leave so badly, but when I was gone, I kept feeling guitly about it, so I kept finding excuses to come back home. I failed, in that sense. As soon as I left I wanted to come back, and now that I'm back to where I started, I just want to leave again.
I'm guessing that my escape antics gone wrong are coming from all of the emptiness around me. I feel like there's a black hole around my house sucking out anything that could possibly be comforting, so I'm searching for my friends that are always there to listen to me, but I can't find them. They've all disappeared. Eric is at Chinese SAT camp (a hellhole in itself), Richard is in Britain, Bill is in Germany, Aerim is probably off in Jersey or Queens (one can never be sure, but all I know is that she isn't in Greenwich), Mike is in Maine, Elliot is in Philadelphia, Lindsay is all over the place (I don't want a friend that's all over the place. I want it all to be stable like it was before...), Emily J. is in South Dakota living on a Lakota reservation, and I don't want to seek out Emily S. I don't want to hear what she has to say, because I know it will not mean anything to me, but I also know that it won't be what I want to hear. I need time away from her to get this friendship back to where it was last September. Seeking her out just wouldn't be the right thing to do at the moment.
It's so annoying how everybody is away at the same time.
On a different note, I have another tale from an escape plan ended.
I just got back from the country up in New York state -- very open, many trees, horses, cows, etc. It was a cathartic experience, seeing all of that open land, and I must admit that I felt most American when I saw it. I felt as if that was the right thing to be doing, the right place to be, the right place to seek out to get away from it all. I was wrong, because after two days it didn't feel right -- it felt quite the opposite. I felt even more detatched from everybody, and I really wanted to go home. Getting home was refreshing, too. Lindsay's mom drove us to the Bronx, and from the Bronx, we took the train (Fordham-Greenwich), got off, and had some cheap coffee and a bagel. It was raining like mad, and Lindsay's boyfriend drove me home, which I was grateful for.
Not such a story, but I'm just glad to be back. This trip started the night after I got back from Florida, which was fun at times, partially because I was with Mary and Lisa, but got old pretty quick, partially because I was with Mary and Lisa. I couldn't take the cliquey attitudes. They're both seniors, so I really felt like a junior on this trip, more so than others, simply because they made me feel like a junior for some parts of the trip. And besides that, I hate the heat (and the south).
Elliot was right -- this escaping isn't a good thing, and it isn't helping me out at all. He can now have the pleasure of telling me that he was right, I was wrong, etc, etc.
On a lighter note, Mrs. Boyea called in for me, and she informed me of my AP exam grade. I got a 5! I'm thoroughly excited about that and I really want to know everybody elses scores.
On another random note, I took pictures and saturated/de-saturated them out of boredom. Because I am a camera whore and I found myself to be very interesting today dressed up in a sweater in July (a very cold day, I might add!), I decided to snap them.
I don't do the emo thing -- I just have a penchant for nice sweaters.