Content.
So. The question that hits me most right now is, "Does everything happen for a reason?".
I don't know if I can believe in God. My brain won't let me. I don't know what I think about Karma -- I suppose, what goes around does come around, but still. Is life all about serendipity -- those fortunate accidents and such?
I talked to TJ today, and it was actually relieving. I felt like we were completely on the same page... about everything, I suppose. I never realized until now how low his self-esteem is. It makes him run from things. He knows that I'm too strong (or, full of my self and my intentions, at least) to let him run away. This is why we make such a good pair of friends. He wants to run from certain things, but I'll stay, vice versa.
I asked him why anybody could ever like me. The question came up because he was talking about another acquaintance of ours (well, used to be a really good friend). This guy thought of me as a sister. He was, indeed, like a brother to me. Then he started to like me, apparently, and told TJ about it. I think the situation was awkward for everybody. Back to the point, I asked him why anybody could ever like me. He told me that he'd answer the question if I wanted to know that badly, so I let him speak. I felt rather pleased with myself, finally understanding how I appear to quite a few on the outside.
"You're intelligent, clever, and with witty comments. You have this smile that hints 'I know something that you don't', but you keep it secret. You're able to see beyond all of this." Something to that extent. I forgot the rest, to tell you the truth, but it made me happy. I was content with his comment for a few reasons. When he had said this I realized that not everybody changed this year. Some of them improved, but I'll be damned if they changed. Some people, like TJ, didn't change at all. They just went away for a period of time, then came back the same person, with a few mental/physical improvements. For the better, all for the better. I realized that there are some people out there, regardless of where you are, that will always see you for who you are. The sort of people that actually know you inside and out, regardless of what you say or how you appear.
Those are the people that truly count.
It seems I can only count on one hand these people, and half of the ones that I count are just too consumed with other things. Like, I don't know, they want to change or something. The people who I actually know deep down seem fewer and fewer. I don't know why. Maybe it was the stupid comments of fake sympathy, or just the stupid comments in general. Stupid things said by seemlingly intelligent people. Stupid habits that got picked up. Stupid sayings, clichés, etc. It goes on and on.
So, do things that occurred last year matter? Little mistakes threw things that could have happened off course. And those little mistakes matter right now, I suppose. So and so decided to back off because his friend liked a girl that he liked at the time. But he liked the girl, and continued to do so. He didn't want to ruin the friendship, but everything kind of spilled, today being the day. Everything manifested itself in a simple conversation that could have been covered a year ago, but nobody was brave enough to say such things, and nobody wanted to make such a big deal out of something that seemed so little. Well, it's not little. It's real. And that's what matters.
So, I must come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. I've always believed that deep within my mind. Why not the heart? I'm not ready to think with the heart. When you think with the heart, I suppose you open your Pandora's Box up, and you lose a lot of yourself with the opening. You've got to struggle to keep yourself -- inch by inch, bit by bit, in hope of not losing everything in the end. When you think with your heart you are allowing yourself to erode away much like the ocean rubs against the rock, calmly at first, but then getting more and more vigorous as the days pass on. And everything does happen for a reason. It has to. Why? Because I'm not eroding. I'm me. Nothing's changed, because last year, in the dead of winter, or fall, or whenever these things happened, we didn't let them. We didn't let them change, so they couldn't, and because they couldn't, we've let the chips fall, and now we're all admiring our little mess. And shit, I like my little mess. It's brilliant.
And maybe I really am changing. Maybe everybody else is just staying the same. I'm beginning to think that it's really that, not the opposite. Maybe the people who really know their worth are just changing at the same rate that I am, steadily, but not eroding. The rock can't move. It cannot evolve, it just sits there by the sea, by the stormy waters, day by day, night by night, until nothing is left but its sediments, slowly drifting off into the ocean, scattered. And those are the people, scattered, just like every other flake of rock, ending at the very state that they started in. I'm beginning to think these people, these people that sometimes depress me too much to even look at, are the ones who are staying the same.
I feel pleased with myself.
I don't know if I can believe in God. My brain won't let me. I don't know what I think about Karma -- I suppose, what goes around does come around, but still. Is life all about serendipity -- those fortunate accidents and such?
I talked to TJ today, and it was actually relieving. I felt like we were completely on the same page... about everything, I suppose. I never realized until now how low his self-esteem is. It makes him run from things. He knows that I'm too strong (or, full of my self and my intentions, at least) to let him run away. This is why we make such a good pair of friends. He wants to run from certain things, but I'll stay, vice versa.
I asked him why anybody could ever like me. The question came up because he was talking about another acquaintance of ours (well, used to be a really good friend). This guy thought of me as a sister. He was, indeed, like a brother to me. Then he started to like me, apparently, and told TJ about it. I think the situation was awkward for everybody. Back to the point, I asked him why anybody could ever like me. He told me that he'd answer the question if I wanted to know that badly, so I let him speak. I felt rather pleased with myself, finally understanding how I appear to quite a few on the outside.
"You're intelligent, clever, and with witty comments. You have this smile that hints 'I know something that you don't', but you keep it secret. You're able to see beyond all of this." Something to that extent. I forgot the rest, to tell you the truth, but it made me happy. I was content with his comment for a few reasons. When he had said this I realized that not everybody changed this year. Some of them improved, but I'll be damned if they changed. Some people, like TJ, didn't change at all. They just went away for a period of time, then came back the same person, with a few mental/physical improvements. For the better, all for the better. I realized that there are some people out there, regardless of where you are, that will always see you for who you are. The sort of people that actually know you inside and out, regardless of what you say or how you appear.
Those are the people that truly count.
It seems I can only count on one hand these people, and half of the ones that I count are just too consumed with other things. Like, I don't know, they want to change or something. The people who I actually know deep down seem fewer and fewer. I don't know why. Maybe it was the stupid comments of fake sympathy, or just the stupid comments in general. Stupid things said by seemlingly intelligent people. Stupid habits that got picked up. Stupid sayings, clichés, etc. It goes on and on.
So, do things that occurred last year matter? Little mistakes threw things that could have happened off course. And those little mistakes matter right now, I suppose. So and so decided to back off because his friend liked a girl that he liked at the time. But he liked the girl, and continued to do so. He didn't want to ruin the friendship, but everything kind of spilled, today being the day. Everything manifested itself in a simple conversation that could have been covered a year ago, but nobody was brave enough to say such things, and nobody wanted to make such a big deal out of something that seemed so little. Well, it's not little. It's real. And that's what matters.
So, I must come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. I've always believed that deep within my mind. Why not the heart? I'm not ready to think with the heart. When you think with the heart, I suppose you open your Pandora's Box up, and you lose a lot of yourself with the opening. You've got to struggle to keep yourself -- inch by inch, bit by bit, in hope of not losing everything in the end. When you think with your heart you are allowing yourself to erode away much like the ocean rubs against the rock, calmly at first, but then getting more and more vigorous as the days pass on. And everything does happen for a reason. It has to. Why? Because I'm not eroding. I'm me. Nothing's changed, because last year, in the dead of winter, or fall, or whenever these things happened, we didn't let them. We didn't let them change, so they couldn't, and because they couldn't, we've let the chips fall, and now we're all admiring our little mess. And shit, I like my little mess. It's brilliant.
And maybe I really am changing. Maybe everybody else is just staying the same. I'm beginning to think that it's really that, not the opposite. Maybe the people who really know their worth are just changing at the same rate that I am, steadily, but not eroding. The rock can't move. It cannot evolve, it just sits there by the sea, by the stormy waters, day by day, night by night, until nothing is left but its sediments, slowly drifting off into the ocean, scattered. And those are the people, scattered, just like every other flake of rock, ending at the very state that they started in. I'm beginning to think these people, these people that sometimes depress me too much to even look at, are the ones who are staying the same.
I feel pleased with myself.