(no subject)
I sat there and read my sister's journal and cried.
I don't think that you can get more support than the girl living one door down the hall. But I don't know. I'm just really upset. I gotta go out job hunting today. I know they are going to tell me that I am not qualified to work anywhere...and I definitely can't handle lying on a job application. I can't even tell a lie, and I'm supposed to do that for the sake of getting a job? I just can't. Doesn't anyone hire honest people?
Just really really upset right now. It'll pass. I'll just re-read my "happy" quotes. I have a date today. Which probably won't turn out like a date because I don't know if he's paying or not. He asked me, but I feel kinda guilty just assuming. Maybe I'll just drink a glass of water.
ehh. Dating just seems too personal for me. I don't think that anyone understands me, or wants to for that matter. And who wants to date a girl who dropped out of school and can't even get a good job? The school thing is a bad topic. At least I'm in community college. But I need to get like 5 jobs to pay off debt and get myself into a good credit rating. Although I am quitting smoking. I have 4 cigs left. I had a whole pack but I think that dave took them when he was drunk. Good for him. I need to get away from my emotional cop-out anyway. It's about damn time.
I really just wish that I could figure out where I'm going. I want to sit and read all day and play music all day because I am SO FUCKING BEHIND IT'S UNBELIEVEABLE, but I can't do that. I have to be "responsible" before I can do anything I'd love to do. I have to stress about getting back on my feet financially and if that comes at risk of losing the "talent" I have on clarinet, I'll get it back. Most of the damn music students at Stetson have "mommy and daddy" pay for every fucking thing and they have no idea what its like to work their ass off for something. I'll tell you what though, when I get back to Stetson I'm not taking shit from anyone. I've gone through hell and high water to get to where I am right now. I was an emotional wreck before, and now I can stand tall and say that I'm honestly ok. I have a long way to go and a lot of work to do to get to where I need to be, but I won't let anyone push me down. Especially people at Stetson. Going to talk to Brooke this weekend if she shows up to the Band thing, which she probably will...I mean...hahaha...ok...*no comment* :) I don't dislike anyone. I think that there is something to like about everyone, so I'm not going to talk badly about any one person. I'll speak generally. I just think that most Stetson students are stuck up. Sorry if that was a blow to anyone's ego. Maybe it's the fact that it is a private school? Or is it just music students that think they are God-given? I just think that the superiority thing got old when I graduated high school. Really not into the belittling craze.
I'm especially not going to give anyone dirty looks or say a word behind their back. If I can't say anything to their face, it's not worth saying it behind their back.
Cowards.
Not worth my time. And I'm definitely not going to just change schools because of ignorant and RUDE people. I'll save New York for grad school. Sorry David, I know you don't want me to deal with people judging me or treating me like crap, I understand. But I'm not going to give up my dreams for the sake of someone else.
I learned what it's like to have courage from people like my sister. God damn I look up to her so much. I'm determined to be as strong as she is. We are blood, so I gotta have some of that attitude and strength. At least, I hope so. If she got it all...she sucks!!!! lol!!!
"Missing"
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
[Chorus:]
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?
Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"
[Chorus]
And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...
[Chorus]
Missing, Breathe No More, and Lies are probably my favorite Evanescence songs. I love so many of them though. Except the original "Where Will You Go" kinda sucks a LOT. Wish I had that original "Origin" cd. Ehhh not a big deal though.
~Lost in a dying world I reach for something more. I have grown so weary of this life I live~
Rant on men:
And this is a service announcement from your neighborhood Jen. Unfortunately, due to high demand I'm sorry to report a increase in cost due to the declination of output in gross domestic product
Now that I've completely obliterated the economic lexicon and compared myself to a computer system...I'll proceed with my rant.
Ah man...and I'm so fucking sick of men telling me "I've liked you since we first met. I think you're beautiful. Absolutely amazing!" It's all bullshit because they -*shakes head*- just want to get in my pants. I don't know any man that just wants to get to know me for ME without thinking with their throbbing python of love. Makes me absolutely disgusted. Most of the men I've ever met probably have crotch crickets anyway, and they should for thinking I'm some kind of walk-up fuck. I am a VIRGIN. No, not interested! Got it? Ok well I think I need to have a scrolling marquee disclaimer when I meet a man that says "Hey, I'm a virgin. Not some kind of pavement princess. So if you're interested in getting to know me, you better check your 'mack man' attitude before you talk to me." And yeah, that's a fucking long-ass disclaimer...I'm just sick of saying something similar to guys that keep trying shit on me.
I hope that my coffee outing doesn't turn out anything what I'm pretty much expecting it to. The guy seems really sweet, but I'm just pessimistic because of my experiences with men.
Alright, that's my mini-man-rant. That's all I have for now. Might have more later. Ahhh that's my opportunity cost I guess. Being single with my unerasable animosity for men for being happy and in a relationship.
Oh yeah, and if you read any of the rest of that you deserve a pat on the back. And a nice belated "Happy Halloween!"
