Private journal entry
Tuesday, Nov. 11th; lunchtime
Today I eat my lunch alone. I need to straighten my thoughts out a bit, and writing them down usually helps.
Yesterday, I kissed Severus. I did it, and as I suspected it has become an important event. Not in the way that my interpretations of his recent behaviour had led me to hope though. I do not regret the kiss, even though it caused me great pain. In all fairness, it wasn't the kiss that cause the pain, no. It was what happened afterward.
I would have understood if Severus had been angry, annoyed, even... appalled. The latter would have hurt as well, because that isn't the response one wants to a kiss. But to receive nothing... then there is nothing to argue with, to disagree on, to try to make the other see a different viewpoint.
He did respond to the kiss, while it lasted. I could feel that, parting of lips, the slight movement of his tongue. But I think that was more of a physical reaction as I look back on it. I must have taken him by surprise. And then there could not have been any suspicion on his side that I am... that I was still interested in him. Severus didn't say anything after I pulled back. His eyes held an accusing question, but he never asked it aloud.
I kissed him, he rejected it, and now I can put this behind me. That part of my life is forever over, and I do not know why I thought it could be different. Did I believe that the years would have erased in him the words he spoke that night? Was I so blinded by this ease between us that I thought he had not spoken the truth then, when he told me he feels nothing? That time I came in hope of mending what had been broken, but was turned away before I could say anything to him about it. This time... I have a kiss to remember and with which I can adorn the stone under which I will bury these emotions of foolish hope and romance, along with the lust.
I hate it when my father is proven right. And by Salazar, if he were here I would kill him, again.
On another note, I received an Owl from Macnair this morning. He's inviting me to witness a little demonstration of Adrian Pucey's talents. After the conversations with Severus about the boy, I believe it will be interesting. Interesting as well, to watch how Macnair manages to interact with young Pucey. If the boy has talent, and isn't too keen on just following, but prefers to think for himself, perhaps we have a chance to win his loyalty over. We will see. I have set the meeting down in my calendar for tomorrow afternoon.
Something that also happened yesterday was that while I was in London shopping, I ran into Pettigrew. He was on his own, and quite nervous about the Lord finding out he was there, yet he claimed to have errands... I will ask the Dark Lord about that when next I visit. I will try to schedule that for Thursday. There was something strange about Pettigrew's behaviour.
Today I eat my lunch alone. I need to straighten my thoughts out a bit, and writing them down usually helps.
Yesterday, I kissed Severus. I did it, and as I suspected it has become an important event. Not in the way that my interpretations of his recent behaviour had led me to hope though. I do not regret the kiss, even though it caused me great pain. In all fairness, it wasn't the kiss that cause the pain, no. It was what happened afterward.
I would have understood if Severus had been angry, annoyed, even... appalled. The latter would have hurt as well, because that isn't the response one wants to a kiss. But to receive nothing... then there is nothing to argue with, to disagree on, to try to make the other see a different viewpoint.
He did respond to the kiss, while it lasted. I could feel that, parting of lips, the slight movement of his tongue. But I think that was more of a physical reaction as I look back on it. I must have taken him by surprise. And then there could not have been any suspicion on his side that I am... that I was still interested in him. Severus didn't say anything after I pulled back. His eyes held an accusing question, but he never asked it aloud.
I kissed him, he rejected it, and now I can put this behind me. That part of my life is forever over, and I do not know why I thought it could be different. Did I believe that the years would have erased in him the words he spoke that night? Was I so blinded by this ease between us that I thought he had not spoken the truth then, when he told me he feels nothing? That time I came in hope of mending what had been broken, but was turned away before I could say anything to him about it. This time... I have a kiss to remember and with which I can adorn the stone under which I will bury these emotions of foolish hope and romance, along with the lust.
I hate it when my father is proven right. And by Salazar, if he were here I would kill him, again.
On another note, I received an Owl from Macnair this morning. He's inviting me to witness a little demonstration of Adrian Pucey's talents. After the conversations with Severus about the boy, I believe it will be interesting. Interesting as well, to watch how Macnair manages to interact with young Pucey. If the boy has talent, and isn't too keen on just following, but prefers to think for himself, perhaps we have a chance to win his loyalty over. We will see. I have set the meeting down in my calendar for tomorrow afternoon.
Something that also happened yesterday was that while I was in London shopping, I ran into Pettigrew. He was on his own, and quite nervous about the Lord finding out he was there, yet he claimed to have errands... I will ask the Dark Lord about that when next I visit. I will try to schedule that for Thursday. There was something strange about Pettigrew's behaviour.