The whole story is so.... ♥ ♥ ♥ And TORTURE!KAITO, and BLIND!CONAN and ♥ ♥ ♥
Like that.
/calms down
I like the Hakuba + Heiji interaction, and think that you've got them down pretty well. Heiji's flustered reaction to Kudo being in trouble, and the fact that he was able to follow Hakuba's train of thought even though he was emotionally invested in the situation.
Hakuba tying up the hospital staff though? IDK if that's totally IC.
AND. THEN. THE. TORTURE. (or half of it at least, drugged!Kaito was pretty nice)
I liked how subtly you played with the fact that Conan was blind, dropping just enough hints that the reader was able to realize what had happened just before the boys did.
Kaito's reaction to the drugs was well written, but a headrush like would be more of a blackout than a whiteout.
CANNOT WRITE DECENT REVIEW, LOVE TOO MUCH. PERHAPS WOULD BE BETTER TO SIMPLY SAY I HAVE READ THIS CHAPTER SIX TIMES.
The segment at the end, with Hakuba and Heiji, was priceless. The idea of "polar opposites, both of them. However, there was strength in that. Great strength" is a beautiful concept, and the sentences were constructed well.
The last fragment of the chapter, however, doesn't quite seem to work (beginning at "Elsewhere"). I'm not quite sure why, perhaps because there is no visible scene break (is very visual).
I really like your style, it's somewhat dry and descriptive, which I really enjoy.
Saguru + Heiji: I need them, but always nervous writing them. Mostly because I haven't read much Heiji. *sweatdrop*
Saguru being revoltingly OOC: I cannot counter that. I agree wholeheartedly, but have never had the heart to edit it out. Because I'm stupid that way. 8| Sorry.
... You think too much. I made Conan blind on the most random whim. I'm freaked because that's the first time I've deviated from the plot. D'8 This is my first foray into chapterfic writing, you know. I'm so scared.
IDK why not a whiteout for Kaito? IDEK the real difference besides the colours. I need tips on writing torture from you. This is a demand.
LOL I LOVE YOU TOO BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I UNDERSTAND HOW A FIC BY AN EX-14-YR OLD N00B THIS MASSIVE COLLECTION OF TRYHARD-NESS MAKES PEOPLE LIKE IT.
I was twitchy about having a scene break for something so small. Also, "elsewhere" sounds like it's from a lame cartoon. "MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE WOGER WABBIT FOUND SOME STINKY FEET".
My writing is kinda flat, and it's obvious that the writer is just describing because it has to be done. ;D It's probably easier to understand though.
... You don't really know how much this review means to me. ;___; Thank you, High Dork. ♥
If you want more Heiji chapters, I can find them for you.
It's funny, and not very noticeable on the first read-through, but... yeah... idk.
Oh, okay. LET ME NOT COMPLEMENT YOUR PLOT EVER AGAIN, OKAY?
I just thought blackout instead, because whenever I manage to stand up too fast it's usually a blackout, like tunnel vision that condenses in on itself. But the idea "and he vaguely felt his left hand scraping lightly against the cold stone wall as he went down" works well there, just in my experience, because that's what it feels like when you go down like that.
BECAUSE I ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ MANY THINGS BY YOU AND THIS IS GOODFIC NOW STOP MAKING ME PRAISE YOU DAGNABBIT.
Yeah, "elsewhere" struck me in the same way, perhaps if you stuck it near the end of the Conan+Kaito section, before May says "now stand" but after she collar-shocks them?
I like reading things like this more than flowery stuff, because it's easier to focus on characterization rather than pretty flowery details.
Or perhaps I am simply beginning to show my true colours more~
/Heiji's hotter. But Saguru is pretty fine (see icon).
Don't think about it too long, or you'll start asking questions like "if I had always been someone else, would the version of 'me' that I now am be a 'someone else' to that version of 'me'? Would a 'me' that was a 'you' still be 'me' or would it be 'you'? And other such questions.
The whole story is so.... ♥ ♥ ♥ And TORTURE!KAITO, and BLIND!CONAN and ♥ ♥ ♥
Like that.
/calms down
I like the Hakuba + Heiji interaction, and think that you've got them down pretty well. Heiji's flustered reaction to Kudo being in trouble, and the fact that he was able to follow Hakuba's train of thought even though he was emotionally invested in the situation.
Hakuba tying up the hospital staff though? IDK if that's totally IC.
AND. THEN. THE. TORTURE. (or half of it at least, drugged!Kaito was pretty nice)
I liked how subtly you played with the fact that Conan was blind, dropping just enough hints that the reader was able to realize what had happened just before the boys did.
Kaito's reaction to the drugs was well written, but a headrush like would be more of a blackout than a whiteout.
CANNOT WRITE DECENT REVIEW, LOVE TOO MUCH. PERHAPS WOULD BE BETTER TO SIMPLY SAY I HAVE READ THIS CHAPTER SIX TIMES.
The segment at the end, with Hakuba and Heiji, was priceless. The idea of "polar opposites, both of them. However, there was strength in that. Great strength" is a beautiful concept, and the sentences were constructed well.
The last fragment of the chapter, however, doesn't quite seem to work (beginning at "Elsewhere"). I'm not quite sure why, perhaps because there is no visible scene break (is very visual).
I really like your style, it's somewhat dry and descriptive, which I really enjoy.
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Saguru being revoltingly OOC: I cannot counter that. I agree wholeheartedly, but have never had the heart to edit it out. Because I'm stupid that way. 8| Sorry.
... You think too much. I made Conan blind on the most random whim. I'm freaked because that's the first time I've deviated from the plot. D'8 This is my first foray into chapterfic writing, you know. I'm so scared.
IDK why not a whiteout for Kaito? IDEK the real difference besides the colours. I need tips on writing torture from you. This is a demand.
LOL I LOVE YOU TOO BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I UNDERSTAND HOW A FIC BY AN EX-14-YR OLD N00B THIS MASSIVE COLLECTION OF TRYHARD-NESS MAKES PEOPLE LIKE IT.
I was twitchy about having a scene break for something so small. Also, "elsewhere" sounds like it's from a lame cartoon. "MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE WOGER WABBIT FOUND SOME STINKY FEET".
My writing is kinda flat, and it's obvious that the writer is just describing because it has to be done. ;D It's probably easier to understand though.
... You don't really know how much this review means to me. ;___; Thank you, High Dork. ♥
Reply
It's funny, and not very noticeable on the first read-through, but... yeah... idk.
Oh, okay. LET ME NOT COMPLEMENT YOUR PLOT EVER AGAIN, OKAY?
I just thought blackout instead, because whenever I manage to stand up too fast it's usually a blackout, like tunnel vision that condenses in on itself. But the idea "and he vaguely felt his left hand scraping lightly against the cold stone wall as he went down" works well there, just in my experience, because that's what it feels like when you go down like that.
BECAUSE I ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ MANY THINGS BY YOU AND THIS IS GOODFIC NOW STOP MAKING ME PRAISE YOU DAGNABBIT.
Yeah, "elsewhere" struck me in the same way, perhaps if you stuck it near the end of the Conan+Kaito section, before May says "now stand" but after she collar-shocks them?
I like reading things like this more than flowery stuff, because it's easier to focus on characterization rather than pretty flowery details.
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Yes, IDK either. Me and my whims.
IT'S "COMPLIMENT" OKAY?
Should I also be worrying about your health? Black outs? XD
NEVAH.
Heh, that bit I was saving for the end because of shock value and more cliffhanger-ness. Because I'm a plain evil moron.
Not that girly, eh? Same. I can barely concentrate when reading flowery writing. It's so distracting that it negates everything else.
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MAYBE IS SLIGHTLY DYSLEXIC? AND DOESN'T PROOFREAD WHEN IS TIRED.
I'm totally healthy. Except for this that and the other thing.
/FAILS
Okay. I guess that makes sense. I just... idk if it flows well /is stubborn
Flowery writing takes more time to read and sort out. It's hard to read if you're not in a mood to do it.
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It probably doesn't flow very well. IDK what I can do about something so small though ...
BAW HIGH DORK, THANK YOU ILU FOR THAT. SO SWEET OF YOU. T^T
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/his eyes are pretty
I think it's fine there, though if it were me I might have just chopped it out altogether. Because IMO flow>amazing cliffhanger plot... /fails a bit
♥ ♥ ♥
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/Eisuke has the same huge eyelashes. Pfft. But peacock-coloured eyes for the win, yes.
... If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away. D|
Yay, more SNES Harvest Moon hearts.
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/... yes. But Ei-chan manages to look like a middle-school girl, while Heiji looks... Yeah... ♥
I think if you were me (and consequently, I, you) the world might possibly implode.
I like my hearts.
Drat, I was trying to figure out something to say that would make this an actual review. But I failed.
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/if you think Heiji's hot, what do you think of Saguru?
Must investigate this.
Yes, degenerated random spamming for the win ...?
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/Heiji's hotter. But Saguru is pretty fine (see icon).
Don't think about it too long, or you'll start asking questions like "if I had always been someone else, would the version of 'me' that I now am be a 'someone else' to that version of 'me'? Would a 'me' that was a 'you' still be 'me' or would it be 'you'? And other such questions.
Yesh. Win.
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