Thinking.
I'm experiencing what I can only think of as a Theraflu high. I'm not sure why my mood has shifted so drastically, but it has, and I'm pleased with that. I hope work goes okay tomorrow, I really need to start making things work out here in Greenville, and I can't do that if I keep running back to Skankford..
I have such issue with my memories. I don't really get the trigger with the majority of them. I can hold a grudge for what seems like ever. And then sometimes, not at all. It would be nice to have a crystal clear vision as to why some things bother more than others.. Well, that's not really something I need, because I can tell myself why I'm mad about a few things right now, and they would be things that are very high on my list.. Firstly Megan's birthday is today.. I once thought of her as a sister to me, and now she's the villian in the story I'm working on. I've done nothing but try my very best to hate her for almost two years now, and that is really difficult. I wish I didn't have to but really, what choice do I have? I've never really felt more betrayed by anyone else in my life. Even Nathan was pretty straight forward about his situation, and I knew better, so I can only blame him for so long, however with Megan.. I didn't expect anything like this to happen. And when it did, it wasn't so much shocking, as it was numbing.. It made me re-evaluate everyone else in my life, and really look at myself and how I've brought this upon myself.. At one point, I would have killed for her, and now I just don't know.. I never felt like we could lose, you know? The five of us, doing the deed and kicking ass, pulling each other through life and forcing everyone to succeed. When did the break happen? When did it all change into something ugly and unwanted...? I hate how I feel about this. I really do, because I think I might be the only one who ever looks back and wishes things were different. Well, that may not be true. Lisa and I haven't really talked about this in a very long time, probably because we still feel pretty bad about the whole thing. Our pride keeps us from acting on those feelings we've stashed away, but they're still there, and impossible to ignore sometimes. I should really just get over this now, because really, nothings going to change. She was fine without us all this time, so I guess the world will keep spinning after this post too. <-- I think that's it. That's why I'm mad, and probably will always be. Her life kept going and things kept happening for her, where as with me, I had to stop. I had to just stop and breathe out the pain for a while. It was like losing a limb or something. I had to change my way of walking.. The way I spoke. Somethings only she and I understood about each other and the world, and when she was gone, I couldn't talk about them anymore, because I seemed like a crazy person.
There, I think I'm done with that now.
I have such issue with my memories. I don't really get the trigger with the majority of them. I can hold a grudge for what seems like ever. And then sometimes, not at all. It would be nice to have a crystal clear vision as to why some things bother more than others.. Well, that's not really something I need, because I can tell myself why I'm mad about a few things right now, and they would be things that are very high on my list.. Firstly Megan's birthday is today.. I once thought of her as a sister to me, and now she's the villian in the story I'm working on. I've done nothing but try my very best to hate her for almost two years now, and that is really difficult. I wish I didn't have to but really, what choice do I have? I've never really felt more betrayed by anyone else in my life. Even Nathan was pretty straight forward about his situation, and I knew better, so I can only blame him for so long, however with Megan.. I didn't expect anything like this to happen. And when it did, it wasn't so much shocking, as it was numbing.. It made me re-evaluate everyone else in my life, and really look at myself and how I've brought this upon myself.. At one point, I would have killed for her, and now I just don't know.. I never felt like we could lose, you know? The five of us, doing the deed and kicking ass, pulling each other through life and forcing everyone to succeed. When did the break happen? When did it all change into something ugly and unwanted...? I hate how I feel about this. I really do, because I think I might be the only one who ever looks back and wishes things were different. Well, that may not be true. Lisa and I haven't really talked about this in a very long time, probably because we still feel pretty bad about the whole thing. Our pride keeps us from acting on those feelings we've stashed away, but they're still there, and impossible to ignore sometimes. I should really just get over this now, because really, nothings going to change. She was fine without us all this time, so I guess the world will keep spinning after this post too. <-- I think that's it. That's why I'm mad, and probably will always be. Her life kept going and things kept happening for her, where as with me, I had to stop. I had to just stop and breathe out the pain for a while. It was like losing a limb or something. I had to change my way of walking.. The way I spoke. Somethings only she and I understood about each other and the world, and when she was gone, I couldn't talk about them anymore, because I seemed like a crazy person.
There, I think I'm done with that now.