First actual JOURNAL entry....
No idea why, but I randomly decided to try using livejournal as an actual journal and not just a place to store lyrics lol ^^;; Maybe it'll help me get all my thoughts out and magically cure my insomnia o.O?
So recently I've been getting ridiculously anxious about graduating and finding a job in the future and not really knowing what I'm going to do with the rest of my life to the point where I'm simply just overwhelmed and want to drop out of school T_T. Money issues are starting to become more and more promenint as the date of my parents' officially declaration of bankruptcy finally kicks in and we'll need to move out of the condo that was our home for the past 22 years. I mean I feel as if it was about time we changed locations as the condo could barely hold all the STUFF that has piled up in such a long period of time, but I never thought we would be leaving it this way... It seems too much like a drama, where the yakuza comes and moves all your furniture out while you stand and watch in tears as your couch gets moved away because your drunk father had so much gambling debt that he committed suicide to prevent the yakuza from killing him themselves and you and your sick mother are left alone to fend for yourselves with no home and only your part time job to support the two of you.
...
Okay so it's not THAT bad, but I feel like I haven't completely wrapped my mind around the whole situation yet to the point where I kind of still can't believe that it's happening to me. Things like: "my house is gonna get taken away," and "the car is getting confiscated too" and "my parents can't use credit cards anymore," go through my head a lot, but I don't think they've actually sunk in to the point where I can imagine it happening in front of my eyes. The worst part is that all this will probably happen while I'm across the country in college and that in 5 months after graduation, I'll "go home" to a place that I won't even know at all. I'll walk in my own "house" and have to ask "Where's the bathroom," and that thought is kind of disconcerting. Maybe I only feel this way because I've never moved before, but I can't really imagine going home and not having to go up 15 stairs to reach our condo or not going straight toward the back of the house to plop on my bed and take a nap. Or maybe it's more the thought that our home is going to be forcefully taken away from us and not willingly sold that bothers me the most...
Ugh... I don't really know anymore, but I wish I could just marry some gorgeous rich guy (::coughcoughTEGOSHIcoughcough::) and not have to worry about all this stuff in the future, but I'm almost 100% sure that that will never happen. I feel like sometimes I wish I was the one that is taken care of, rather than worrying about how to take care of myself and other people, but I think that the way I am, I can't help but be concerned about other people. My mom says I grew up too quickly because of the nature of her and my dad's job and that she's scared of my independence sometimes (lol?) but she says that she can't change the way I am anymore. Haha I don't think I can either... my obsessive compulsiveness is stuck with me for the rest of my life. (or as Colleen would say: やっぱりA型だな lol)
BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
okay I feel better :)
I've kinda made some decisions on what I want to do with the rest of the year / some tentative decisions about my future and organizing them into a list seemed like a good idea. It'll keep me chronologically on top of things I suppose.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tentative List of Hatsumi_chan's future:
~Graduation stuff:
- Declare Asian Languages Minor (will do on Monday - hopefully) DONE!
- Graduation pictures (?): $99.99 decided against this and spending the money on the graduation cap/gown/sash set instead
- Graduation cap, gown, tassle, sash set: $27+$35 = $62 BOUGHT!
- Diploma Display Cover (?): $12 decided against this too. If my diploma gets crumpled, most likely it's my parents' fault =P
- Sell Textbooks
- Apply for 2011 JET Program (?)
~Job Stuff:
- Finish resume T_T
- Spring Quarter Internship?
- Stay in LA for 1 year (living w/ Diane~!) while working at KCH and looking for another job
- Try to find something transferable between NY and LA
~Travel Stuff:
- Summer 2010: From LA --> Taiwan --> Japan --> Taiwan/LA
- Try to stay as long as possible in Taiwan
::sigh:: It all sounds much easier said than done T_T I guess I'll just have to try as hard as I can from now on... :)
過去も、未来も、全部輝く、一歩一歩踏みしめて、今始まる．．．
So recently I've been getting ridiculously anxious about graduating and finding a job in the future and not really knowing what I'm going to do with the rest of my life to the point where I'm simply just overwhelmed and want to drop out of school T_T. Money issues are starting to become more and more promenint as the date of my parents' officially declaration of bankruptcy finally kicks in and we'll need to move out of the condo that was our home for the past 22 years. I mean I feel as if it was about time we changed locations as the condo could barely hold all the STUFF that has piled up in such a long period of time, but I never thought we would be leaving it this way... It seems too much like a drama, where the yakuza comes and moves all your furniture out while you stand and watch in tears as your couch gets moved away because your drunk father had so much gambling debt that he committed suicide to prevent the yakuza from killing him themselves and you and your sick mother are left alone to fend for yourselves with no home and only your part time job to support the two of you.
...
Okay so it's not THAT bad, but I feel like I haven't completely wrapped my mind around the whole situation yet to the point where I kind of still can't believe that it's happening to me. Things like: "my house is gonna get taken away," and "the car is getting confiscated too" and "my parents can't use credit cards anymore," go through my head a lot, but I don't think they've actually sunk in to the point where I can imagine it happening in front of my eyes. The worst part is that all this will probably happen while I'm across the country in college and that in 5 months after graduation, I'll "go home" to a place that I won't even know at all. I'll walk in my own "house" and have to ask "Where's the bathroom," and that thought is kind of disconcerting. Maybe I only feel this way because I've never moved before, but I can't really imagine going home and not having to go up 15 stairs to reach our condo or not going straight toward the back of the house to plop on my bed and take a nap. Or maybe it's more the thought that our home is going to be forcefully taken away from us and not willingly sold that bothers me the most...
Ugh... I don't really know anymore, but I wish I could just marry some gorgeous rich guy (::coughcoughTEGOSHIcoughcough::) and not have to worry about all this stuff in the future, but I'm almost 100% sure that that will never happen. I feel like sometimes I wish I was the one that is taken care of, rather than worrying about how to take care of myself and other people, but I think that the way I am, I can't help but be concerned about other people. My mom says I grew up too quickly because of the nature of her and my dad's job and that she's scared of my independence sometimes (lol?) but she says that she can't change the way I am anymore. Haha I don't think I can either... my obsessive compulsiveness is stuck with me for the rest of my life. (or as Colleen would say: やっぱりA型だな lol)
BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
okay I feel better :)
I've kinda made some decisions on what I want to do with the rest of the year / some tentative decisions about my future and organizing them into a list seemed like a good idea. It'll keep me chronologically on top of things I suppose.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tentative List of Hatsumi_chan's future:
~Graduation stuff:
- Declare Asian Languages Minor (will do on Monday - hopefully) DONE!
- Graduation pictures (?): $99.99 decided against this and spending the money on the graduation cap/gown/sash set instead
- Graduation cap, gown, tassle, sash set: $27+$35 = $62 BOUGHT!
- Diploma Display Cover (?): $12 decided against this too. If my diploma gets crumpled, most likely it's my parents' fault =P
- Sell Textbooks
- Apply for 2011 JET Program (?)
~Job Stuff:
- Finish resume T_T
- Spring Quarter Internship?
- Stay in LA for 1 year (living w/ Diane~!) while working at KCH and looking for another job
- Try to find something transferable between NY and LA
~Travel Stuff:
- Summer 2010: From LA --> Taiwan --> Japan --> Taiwan/LA
- Try to stay as long as possible in Taiwan
::sigh:: It all sounds much easier said than done T_T I guess I'll just have to try as hard as I can from now on... :)
過去も、未来も、全部輝く、一歩一歩踏みしめて、今始まる．．．