well children. here are horoscopes
everything broke in here awhile ago and I had to do it by hand. Fuck my life.
Horoscopes:
Aries, March 20-April 19: while in the thrall of a 36 year old stripper named thelma you will discover that all of your credit cards are maxed out and someone has replaced your cash with the tabs from cereal boxes. Confused and desperate for more of that sweet sweet thigh you casually try to jack the wallet from a texan next to you wearing a tiger-striped ten gallon hat. However, because of all the coccnut flavored rum you've been ingesting when you go to reach for the wallet you accidently grab his crotch, which is even worse to be discovered doing. Six years later you wake up in Singapore and discover that someone has sewn you to the inside of a coat. No one has any idea how this is even possible.
Taurus, April 20-May 19: Hegel's theory of historical synthasis meld with Shobenhaur's bedside manner and take over the universe with your assistance. You find this reference pretentious, also repeticious in the since that other ppls fortunes have had references to these same philosophers before, but soon discover that all the momentum of existance is now the force of pushing old women down stairs for no reason in new ways. Perpetually on and forever. Pissed that time is not linear since forever aparently exists, you decide that you would really rather just be one of those people who really enjoys the price is right and eats a lot of doritos. The nacho flavor. not cool ranch. You are overweight and depressed.
Gemini, May 20-June 20: Inside a box in your house or apartment there is a carefully camflogued item designed by a secret arch nemisis specifically to bring about your painful demise. You will never know when it will be hidden, if it already is, or what the item possibly could be. The outcome of this depends entirely on your ability to reason your way through this one.
Cancer, June 21-July 21: Gabriel Garcia-Marques' "Love in the Time of Cholera", pinguin classics, page 216, line 4.
Leo, July 22-August 22: You are just so beautiful and so talented and so witty that people can no longer stand your perfection and you are forced to roam the animal world. Cats flock to you by the thousands and begin devestaing mouse populations wherever you travel. Saddened by this destruction of life you feel inclined to then isolate yourself from animals and turn to plants. Trees grow taller to try and impress you but the wind blows extra hard because it is jealous and wants to earn your favor. This leads to more devistation and you are crushed beneath redwoods. Everyone feels bad and nothign is accomplished. So just stop it already.
Virgo, August 23-September 21: Once again you find yourself faced with a situation where you should just run with being as terrible as you possibly can. Think of like three horror/gothic novels you know and then combine them all into one supper-villian-personality that you can effect from now on. No madien or youth is too pure to be conquored. No word is too good to be mispelled. No planet too much where you live and therein a bad idea to destroy too logical to not actually be destroyed by you. You buy up all the oil and cars in the world and just set them on fire on top of rubber covered in whales. Entire countries try to stop you but you use your dinosaur army made of lazers and carpet cleaner to fight them back. Also doing the course of this you bring Michael Jackson back to life and force him to do a concert. Every death metal band is soooo jealous that they kill him again and you give up hope just as you were winning. Failure again. Its back to putting GHB in drinks at parties and driving on the wrong side of the road when no ones looking.
Libra, September 22-October 22: A truckful of dinosaurs and whales crashes into your house or apartment. This becomes deeply problematic because the dinosaurs are trying to eat the whales and the whaltes are trying not to dry out. Also. Your hands are suddenly made of knives. What do you do next? (I just couldn't bring myself to change this)
Scorpio, October 23-Novemeber 21: While making an apple pie a bus of kittens will crash through your wall and suddenly you will be burried in fuzzy balls of fun. You cannot bare to part with any of them and this will make you broke but the kittens will be so galvinized by your heroism that they will learn circus tricks and begin performing at fancy parties while waitors spin silver plates on their fingers. Your kitten troupe's fame will spread far and wide until suddenly you are confronted by a very angry gypsy named Melba who aparently was the owner of the kitten bus. Tied up in court battles you eventually win rights to the kittens but get a curse on you that you are allergic. You spend the remainder of your life crying because their dander burns your eyes despite the fact that you are actually deliriously happy because you love your kittens.
Sagattarius, November 22-December 20: Oh Sagattarius. Poor poor Sagattarius. Oh poor stupid and cursed Sagattarious. If only. If only. All I can do when I think of you is wring my hands and shake my head. You poor, stupid, silly, innoccent fool, Sagattarius. I tip my hat to you. You are so poor and unfortunate. The very earth trembles with its pity and remorse for YOU oh unlucky, undeserving, bewoeful Sagatarius. Alack Alack. All the tiny animals cry when they think about you and birds fall out of the sky in shame and understanding. You poor, poor human being. Oh Sagattarius. All the fish in teh sea swim backwards when they try and comprehend what has befallen you. Then they run into dolphins and explode. Flowers start balling noisily when you pass and in their crying and honking and carrying on they cause tiny floods that drown many an unfortunate worm. Oh Sagattarius. The world weeps for you.
Capricorn, December 21-January 19: OH MAN YOU GET VAPORIZED! Like all of you. Not just your head or your body or your clothes but like... even your birthday! YOUR BIRTHDAY GETS VAPORIZED! But the way it happens is so cool that it is totally worth it. And the heaven you go to when you get vaporized... way better. You get like twice as much chocolate cake. And if you don't like chocolate cake, they find out whatever you do like and then they make chocolate cake taste like that. Not just to you though. To everyone. Your will becomes supreme. Like a pizza. A supreme pizza. But if you don't like that its okay cause they can make it taste like chocolate cake.
Aquarious, January 20-Febuary 18: Suddenly hit by a wave of inspiration you create a masterpiece so incredable that it destroys the art world forever. Wondering whether or not this is the right thing and uncertain abotu your place in the world you wander aimlessless through that wormhole hollographic background they use at the opening sequence of the old doctor who show. There you are met by your spirit guide who comes to you in the form of the entire cast of MASH. when it talks its all of their voices and you are kinda creeped out, but as your spirit guide explains this apparently the only form in which it can be taken seriously by you. You begin to suspec that your spirit guide has been drinking, but play along because this is already too weird to react to very much. As time wears on and you listen to your spirit guide ramble about all the "cool places" its been and "hot chic's its knocked up" you begin to question if that DMT trip you were on awhile ago ever really ended. Your spirit guides makes fun of you because when you say this you slip up and say DDT. As it turns out there is really no point to any of this and when you return to earth the art world is still destroyed and you still are conflicted about the impact of your genius on the world but are now pretty sure that there are way weirder things that could be happening. So you say fuck it and get some thai food and a cold beer.
Pisces, Febuary 19-March 19: You loose steam while trying to get out of bed one morning. Both literally and figuratively. The room gets really weird and humid cause of it and on top of this you're stuck laying in bed until all the rest of it can get back inside you somehow. You wonder if just breathing will do it or if you should start swallowin. You try but that just makes you burp. So you better start thinking of a way to get out of it now before this happens. Oh. the rest of the week is great though. Candy everywhere