BEST SHITTY ACTION FLICK EVER!!!!!!!!!! DOOMSDAY. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT KIND OF A MOVIE YOU ARE?
When I journeyed to best buy the other night to buy the dark knight it was found sold out. And I hung my head. I bought it at target yesterday and trust me you will hear from me way too in depth on that soon. That is not what tonight is about. tonight is about the action flick I bought for 9.99 that I had seen in theaters and yes, loved. I say it with pride. For this action flick, well funded, even, is the british action flick to end all action flicks. If it can even be called much of that bcause within the "action" category there are many genres, and dare I say this movie seriously attempts to cover ABSOLUTELY ALL OF THEM.
My love of this movie does not even have to based in the fact that I have a SERIOUS hard on for the main actress, main villian, and a weird goth chick in the film with facial tattoos. No that does not even factor in because the rest of the awesomeness just defies cheap thrills for the eyes. Well my eyes. I don't think anyone else I know would find Sol hot. But man do I ever. Will I ever not like people who are completely insane and just stand for total chaos? No. I think not. But the movie. THIS movie my friends.
It starts out with a virus thing. scottland is infested! so england rebuilds the fucking roman wall (also in the ocean?) and abandons everyone to die! A little girl however gets on a helicopter (and we will pronounce it how its spelled kids because this movie is british. thats Hell-ee-kop-tor) and grows up to be the heroine. But get this. She only has one eye! The glass eye she has is also a camera and recording device she uses when she goes on special secret cop missions in London 25 years later! This transition from virus movie to futuristic cop movie is made complete by her boss, a dectective who talks about watching her fight her way through the ranks and drinks whiskey out of a flask. Then the kind of movie changes again when Eden (one-eyed hot bad ass cop) recieves a secret mission from the government because the virus has reappeared in london! She is sent with a special elite military crew (we enter a mission impossible theme, music, equitment and all) to go over the wall and try to find a cure! particularly because they've gotten pictures that there are survivors!
So they go over the wall and the movie begins to think it is maybe actually a zombie movie. Eery music, bodies, unattended cows everywhere, which is hilarious considering claims that before people died they were starving... yet so many cows. Then they go to the hospital where research was being done about the disease and are ambushed by people swinging tomahalks and the such. though you really must understand the way this is done is as if these survivors were all contaminated and crazy from blood lust... or zombies, and they are mowed down as such. For all purposes the movie is a zombie movie up until most of the crew are dead and then Eden and a wounded guy are sourrounded by the survivors... who are apparently savages? But more importantly ALL HARDCORE GOTHS. enter tattooed face girl who knocks out eden. the movie makes another swtich.
ENTER SOL and the weird mad max goth sado-masochistic what? theme. Eden is captured and questioned by Sol, the leader of the savages who wants to know how she ever got tanks and things. He wears INCHES of black eyeliner, a mohawlk, leather pants that show off... shall we say... a lot of his flanks... and has a weird gimp in leather that hangs out in the courner whenever he's around. Also Sol is absolutely fucking insane anger management issues but very funny. And sooooo scottish its impossible not to get into it. After the proper amount of weird inudendos that make you go... what the hell is up here? he decides to keep her alive and................................................................
GOTHIC FUCKING ROCK CONCERT WITH STRIPPERS AND MOTERBIKES AND MUSIC AND FIRE AND WHAT??????? Sol goes out and stands at a mike in front of possibly the biggest badass stylized drawing of a skull ever and announces that they have a special entertainment tonight. You will never guess what it is. Never never never.
ITS THE GUY THAT SHE WAS CAPTURED WITH AND THEY'RE GONNA EAT HIM BECAUSE THEY ARE MOTHERFUCKING CANNABALS.
lets review. virus movie, cop movie, mission impossible movie, zombie movie, mad max movie, post apocolyptic wtf movie. Oh wait theres more.
She escapes with the daughter of a guy who was a scientist and survived so they go to go see him after she chops the head off of tatooed face girl sol's girlfriend. Remember that. Sol chased them while they get on a train and somehow escape him. Also during this period they are chased my guys on mopeds with skeletons wearing du-rags strapped on the front. When Eden gets away Sol just gets so mad he punches the guy next to him in the face. No reason. just punches him.
They go through a weird underground storeage thing as a shortcut and into the forests of scotland. noises happen and wait for it... OUT STEPS A FULL ARMORED MEDIEVIL KNIGHT ON A GOD DAMN HORSE. Medievil movie. They go to a castle where this scientist and his followers have painstakingly recreated all the medievil arts including like ermin-trim embrodery, chain mail... (in 25 years) all of it. They have gladiator drills. eden wins one and they escape again to the storeage facility having discovered the survivors are immune. there is no cure. In the storage thing they find a inventory list and then go find phones and magically already fueled sports cars. Now it is a car race movie. They drive out onto the roads that are perfect even with 25 years of no matainence. they encounter Sol! And boy oh boy is he mad in his death-rattle car that is made of bones and he has his dead girlfriends body in the seat next to him... head loosely strapped on. He is so mad when she gets shot through it and her dead head tips a little that he just JUMPS THROUGH THE WINDOW of the fucking car and for the next ten minutes is trying to strangle eden while she drives and chaos insues. His goth friends show up and eden drives the car into their bus while sol is on the roof. His screaming head flys off and hits the camera.
Eden delivers the survivor girl to the suspiciously irish and mean head of operations so they can make a vaccine out of her blood. Eden knows the irish man is just going to wait for people to die (why?) before he releases the cure and has had her eye record their conversation. (mission impossible again) She remains in scottland for no reason. Goes to her old house and finds a picture. gives the recording to her cop-boss who came looking for her but then leaves. Then she takes Sol's head and joins the survivors as their savage canabal queen. WHOA.
Also there is dialog like: "If you had any wits at all you would abandon all hope". "There is always hope".
"hungry? try your friend?" (repeated twice)
"Oh lady. I could just eat you up."- sol
"how dare you speak to me about pain. you have never lost anything!"- crazy medievil doctor guy
And "Is that all this was to you then? A job?"- eden's lone remaining solider guy at the very end.
EVERYONE GO WATCH THIS FILM THOUGH I HAVE COMPLETELY SPOILED IT. THERE IS NO WAY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST THE HILARITY.
My love of this movie does not even have to based in the fact that I have a SERIOUS hard on for the main actress, main villian, and a weird goth chick in the film with facial tattoos. No that does not even factor in because the rest of the awesomeness just defies cheap thrills for the eyes. Well my eyes. I don't think anyone else I know would find Sol hot. But man do I ever. Will I ever not like people who are completely insane and just stand for total chaos? No. I think not. But the movie. THIS movie my friends.
It starts out with a virus thing. scottland is infested! so england rebuilds the fucking roman wall (also in the ocean?) and abandons everyone to die! A little girl however gets on a helicopter (and we will pronounce it how its spelled kids because this movie is british. thats Hell-ee-kop-tor) and grows up to be the heroine. But get this. She only has one eye! The glass eye she has is also a camera and recording device she uses when she goes on special secret cop missions in London 25 years later! This transition from virus movie to futuristic cop movie is made complete by her boss, a dectective who talks about watching her fight her way through the ranks and drinks whiskey out of a flask. Then the kind of movie changes again when Eden (one-eyed hot bad ass cop) recieves a secret mission from the government because the virus has reappeared in london! She is sent with a special elite military crew (we enter a mission impossible theme, music, equitment and all) to go over the wall and try to find a cure! particularly because they've gotten pictures that there are survivors!
So they go over the wall and the movie begins to think it is maybe actually a zombie movie. Eery music, bodies, unattended cows everywhere, which is hilarious considering claims that before people died they were starving... yet so many cows. Then they go to the hospital where research was being done about the disease and are ambushed by people swinging tomahalks and the such. though you really must understand the way this is done is as if these survivors were all contaminated and crazy from blood lust... or zombies, and they are mowed down as such. For all purposes the movie is a zombie movie up until most of the crew are dead and then Eden and a wounded guy are sourrounded by the survivors... who are apparently savages? But more importantly ALL HARDCORE GOTHS. enter tattooed face girl who knocks out eden. the movie makes another swtich.
ENTER SOL and the weird mad max goth sado-masochistic what? theme. Eden is captured and questioned by Sol, the leader of the savages who wants to know how she ever got tanks and things. He wears INCHES of black eyeliner, a mohawlk, leather pants that show off... shall we say... a lot of his flanks... and has a weird gimp in leather that hangs out in the courner whenever he's around. Also Sol is absolutely fucking insane anger management issues but very funny. And sooooo scottish its impossible not to get into it. After the proper amount of weird inudendos that make you go... what the hell is up here? he decides to keep her alive and................................................................
GOTHIC FUCKING ROCK CONCERT WITH STRIPPERS AND MOTERBIKES AND MUSIC AND FIRE AND WHAT??????? Sol goes out and stands at a mike in front of possibly the biggest badass stylized drawing of a skull ever and announces that they have a special entertainment tonight. You will never guess what it is. Never never never.
ITS THE GUY THAT SHE WAS CAPTURED WITH AND THEY'RE GONNA EAT HIM BECAUSE THEY ARE MOTHERFUCKING CANNABALS.
lets review. virus movie, cop movie, mission impossible movie, zombie movie, mad max movie, post apocolyptic wtf movie. Oh wait theres more.
She escapes with the daughter of a guy who was a scientist and survived so they go to go see him after she chops the head off of tatooed face girl sol's girlfriend. Remember that. Sol chased them while they get on a train and somehow escape him. Also during this period they are chased my guys on mopeds with skeletons wearing du-rags strapped on the front. When Eden gets away Sol just gets so mad he punches the guy next to him in the face. No reason. just punches him.
They go through a weird underground storeage thing as a shortcut and into the forests of scotland. noises happen and wait for it... OUT STEPS A FULL ARMORED MEDIEVIL KNIGHT ON A GOD DAMN HORSE. Medievil movie. They go to a castle where this scientist and his followers have painstakingly recreated all the medievil arts including like ermin-trim embrodery, chain mail... (in 25 years) all of it. They have gladiator drills. eden wins one and they escape again to the storeage facility having discovered the survivors are immune. there is no cure. In the storage thing they find a inventory list and then go find phones and magically already fueled sports cars. Now it is a car race movie. They drive out onto the roads that are perfect even with 25 years of no matainence. they encounter Sol! And boy oh boy is he mad in his death-rattle car that is made of bones and he has his dead girlfriends body in the seat next to him... head loosely strapped on. He is so mad when she gets shot through it and her dead head tips a little that he just JUMPS THROUGH THE WINDOW of the fucking car and for the next ten minutes is trying to strangle eden while she drives and chaos insues. His goth friends show up and eden drives the car into their bus while sol is on the roof. His screaming head flys off and hits the camera.
Eden delivers the survivor girl to the suspiciously irish and mean head of operations so they can make a vaccine out of her blood. Eden knows the irish man is just going to wait for people to die (why?) before he releases the cure and has had her eye record their conversation. (mission impossible again) She remains in scottland for no reason. Goes to her old house and finds a picture. gives the recording to her cop-boss who came looking for her but then leaves. Then she takes Sol's head and joins the survivors as their savage canabal queen. WHOA.
Also there is dialog like: "If you had any wits at all you would abandon all hope". "There is always hope".
"hungry? try your friend?" (repeated twice)
"Oh lady. I could just eat you up."- sol
"how dare you speak to me about pain. you have never lost anything!"- crazy medievil doctor guy
And "Is that all this was to you then? A job?"- eden's lone remaining solider guy at the very end.
EVERYONE GO WATCH THIS FILM THOUGH I HAVE COMPLETELY SPOILED IT. THERE IS NO WAY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO RESIST THE HILARITY.