Sensitive Issues
So, today was the 3 year anniversary of me moving to San Diego to live with Paul. 3 years. Wow, it seems longer than that, but 3 years sounds like a long time, especially since we still aren't planning a wedding.
It's weird. We want to get married but there's nothing that's rushing us. We live together, we share everything, we do everything together. But what's weird is that we don't feel like a typical married couple. I guess that's cuz we aren't!. I don't feel like I'm sinning or anything living with him because it's not like that, we don't "live in sin" so to speak. We live like best friends. We cook together, clean together, shop for groceries, play video games, watch baseball games, read books, talk, all kinds of things. We understand each other and communicate very well, which is something that we have that I think a lot of married people don't. We never fight and the only times we're mad, it's pretty much never at each other, it's more at circumstances or being frustrated with other people, but that's not to say we've never gotten on each others nerves. All in all, I'm extremely happy with the state of our relationship and I think that over 3 years it has continually gotten better, though there was never anything wrong with it.
The only thing missing is the wedding and marriage license, but there's no real rush, aside that we keep getting older and we SHOULD get married. The only things that would be different with being married would be a. marital benefits and b. people would quit thinking that we are in sin. Yeah, it would be nice to not have to deal with weird comments and looks when people find out that good little Myra lives with her boyfriend, especially since what they're thinking is all wrong!
The wedding thing...I don't know if there's going to be one. It doesn't seem like anyone really want there to be one, and at this point, I don't even know who would want to come all the way here to see it. I still am working on things with my parents but every phone call pretty much results in tears or anger, mostly angry tears. My dad just doesn't hear what I'm saying. I guess I'm not listening to him either but I've listened to him forever and he's never listened to what I have to say.
I'm a pretty private person. No one really knows how and what I feel, or my honest deep down opinion of things. So when people say things that aren't true, things that hurt, or are just plain insensitive, they won't really know that they hurt me. Over the course of my life, because some many people have come and gone, I've developed a way to let people close to me for the time that they're in my life, but being able to cut them out completely and not care when they're gone. It never hurts when people leave, or don't talk to me anymore, because I just expect it to happen eventually. Kind of a "it's was nice while it lasted" attitude. I regret the times that I haven't followed that system because the situation always have the same result, and the way it feels afterwards makes me want to vomit it hurts so bad. So, I think that Paul is the person that I know will always be with me and I can feel safe talking to him and hanging out with him without having to prepare for when he is gone. At least not til I'm an old lady.
I know I had to leave home, but I don't think I can explain the feeling of not having your family anymore. I just plain don't have them. I love my family with an intensity that surprised me when I realized it. I'm fiercely defensive and protective of them. Not having them but caring about them creates this pain that feels like it's ripping my guts apart. I lay awake at night thinking about it and end up at 3am wanting to howl with agony from the pain the thoughts are bringing. It's not easy, and I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know how to fix things. I can't ignore them and pretend they get better with time. They don't. It takes work to fix them but I don't know what to do. So I have to drown them out with the things that I understand. I understand my job, I understand life here with Paul. So I don't dwell on things outside of those things. I devote everything to developing those things. That's not all bad, because those things make me happy. I just wish it wasn't the situation that it is.
Anyway, that's the state of things. Obviously, after 3 years things here are going well. Things with Paul are great, and they will progress to the whole marriage thing, once everyone gets on board and I feel like it is something to celebrate. I think that's what I'm working on. If the people I love the most don't want to be there to see the biggest event of my life, then it doesn't FEEL like the biggest event of my life. So I'm waiting for everyone to get ready to actually be happy for me. Lets see if that ever comes to pass.
So, maybe next time I get on here and update what's going on, I will have bigger news. There, a glimpse into the depths of Myra's mind. Sorry! :P I have to get melodramatic and introspective sometimes.
It's weird. We want to get married but there's nothing that's rushing us. We live together, we share everything, we do everything together. But what's weird is that we don't feel like a typical married couple. I guess that's cuz we aren't!. I don't feel like I'm sinning or anything living with him because it's not like that, we don't "live in sin" so to speak. We live like best friends. We cook together, clean together, shop for groceries, play video games, watch baseball games, read books, talk, all kinds of things. We understand each other and communicate very well, which is something that we have that I think a lot of married people don't. We never fight and the only times we're mad, it's pretty much never at each other, it's more at circumstances or being frustrated with other people, but that's not to say we've never gotten on each others nerves. All in all, I'm extremely happy with the state of our relationship and I think that over 3 years it has continually gotten better, though there was never anything wrong with it.
The only thing missing is the wedding and marriage license, but there's no real rush, aside that we keep getting older and we SHOULD get married. The only things that would be different with being married would be a. marital benefits and b. people would quit thinking that we are in sin. Yeah, it would be nice to not have to deal with weird comments and looks when people find out that good little Myra lives with her boyfriend, especially since what they're thinking is all wrong!
The wedding thing...I don't know if there's going to be one. It doesn't seem like anyone really want there to be one, and at this point, I don't even know who would want to come all the way here to see it. I still am working on things with my parents but every phone call pretty much results in tears or anger, mostly angry tears. My dad just doesn't hear what I'm saying. I guess I'm not listening to him either but I've listened to him forever and he's never listened to what I have to say.
I'm a pretty private person. No one really knows how and what I feel, or my honest deep down opinion of things. So when people say things that aren't true, things that hurt, or are just plain insensitive, they won't really know that they hurt me. Over the course of my life, because some many people have come and gone, I've developed a way to let people close to me for the time that they're in my life, but being able to cut them out completely and not care when they're gone. It never hurts when people leave, or don't talk to me anymore, because I just expect it to happen eventually. Kind of a "it's was nice while it lasted" attitude. I regret the times that I haven't followed that system because the situation always have the same result, and the way it feels afterwards makes me want to vomit it hurts so bad. So, I think that Paul is the person that I know will always be with me and I can feel safe talking to him and hanging out with him without having to prepare for when he is gone. At least not til I'm an old lady.
I know I had to leave home, but I don't think I can explain the feeling of not having your family anymore. I just plain don't have them. I love my family with an intensity that surprised me when I realized it. I'm fiercely defensive and protective of them. Not having them but caring about them creates this pain that feels like it's ripping my guts apart. I lay awake at night thinking about it and end up at 3am wanting to howl with agony from the pain the thoughts are bringing. It's not easy, and I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know how to fix things. I can't ignore them and pretend they get better with time. They don't. It takes work to fix them but I don't know what to do. So I have to drown them out with the things that I understand. I understand my job, I understand life here with Paul. So I don't dwell on things outside of those things. I devote everything to developing those things. That's not all bad, because those things make me happy. I just wish it wasn't the situation that it is.
Anyway, that's the state of things. Obviously, after 3 years things here are going well. Things with Paul are great, and they will progress to the whole marriage thing, once everyone gets on board and I feel like it is something to celebrate. I think that's what I'm working on. If the people I love the most don't want to be there to see the biggest event of my life, then it doesn't FEEL like the biggest event of my life. So I'm waiting for everyone to get ready to actually be happy for me. Lets see if that ever comes to pass.
So, maybe next time I get on here and update what's going on, I will have bigger news. There, a glimpse into the depths of Myra's mind. Sorry! :P I have to get melodramatic and introspective sometimes.