Original fic

[hathorx]

This is my second entry for brigits_flame July round. The prompt this time is "It hurts when I do this".

Thank you to everyone who was kind enough to comment last time :)

Comments

[harlotbug3]

I’d try shortening and sharpening a piece like this with a few carefully placed and vivid descriptions. There’s nothing glaringly wrong with it, but little that makes it stand out apart from the passage about smelling the shirt even though the scent was no longer there. The character’s feelings are valid, but too easy to empathize with. Work with the strong believability of the story to make it more striking to the senses.

[hathorx]

Thanks for the insight. I had real trouble writing this entry so I'm glad to hear back what needs working on.

[anonymous]

I enjoyed reading this piece.
The little details you put into it like how the t-shirt smelled of the aftershave really brought this piece to life!

Good Luck!

OoO~Stuck in the Stars~OoO

[musicrocks987]

I enjoyed reading this piece.
The little details you put into it like how the t-shirt smelled of the aftershave really brought this piece to life!

Good Luck!

OoO~Stuck in the Stars~OoO

[hathorx]

Thanks for reading!

I wasn't too sure what to write about this week, so I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

[csigeekfan]

I like the context and content of the story. However, I'd suggest watching how often you start sentences with the same word. Repetitive use of "I" made the story a little more difficult to read than it needed to be.

That said, I really enjoyed it, especially some of the details that remind me of my first broken heart - wanting to hang on to something special, but having it slowly fade.

Good job and good luck!

[hathorx]

Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I had trouble writing this, it's always hard to remember those times. I didn't even realise the repetitive use of "I", but I'll be aware of it next time!

[intermezzo_poet]

Long-distance... ah, I'm glad someone wrote about this topic. Nice work!

[hathorx]

Thank you!! :D