Don't You Dare Ruin My Delicious Fish AND (&) Chips Dinner (part 13)
For the bored, the lifeless and those who prefer poignant pointlessness to a grim reality.
DON DECKER AND THE KODIAK BEAR HIKING TO WYOMING FOR A CRIBBAGE CONVENTION IN 2017 BECAUSE OF WORLDWIDE JOBBER PERSECUTION, GRINDCORE BECOMING MAINSTREAM AND THE BRUTAL MURDER OF JERRY ELLIS AT THE HANDS OF OLIVER NORTH?
JOHN ARBUCKLE VS. FATTY ARBUCKLE?
DICK DEUCE, THE MARINE?
RICHARD DOUSA AND BOB REMUS TEAMING UP TO SUE A HAIR REMOVAL CREAM COMPANY BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAD TO START SHAVING IN THEIR RESPECTIVE HORSESHOES?
BETTER LAY OFF THE CHOCOLATE FRITOS GOD NEEDS A BACON AND SODA SYRUP SANDWICH INSPIRED BY BOB REMUS' EX-WIFE?
COVERED WAGON DRIVING THE CHOOSE OR LOSE BUS TO NIAGRA FALLS BECAUSE GENE SNITSKY ATE AN IGLOO THAT ED QUESTIONMARK HAD PLANNED TO SAIL TO CHINA?
CAN'T GET AN ERECTION WITHOUT EATING A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH GOD NEEDS RENE GOULET AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF MALEVOLENT CREATION'S ETERNAL FOR REASSURANCE OF HIS ABILITY TO MASTURBATE DURING JOBBER APPRECIATION WEEK?
CAN'T TAKE A DUMP UNLESS HE'S LISTENING TO BRUTAL TRUTH GOD NEEDS A RACIST PEANUTBUTTER AND PORCUPINE MEAT SANDWICH SO MICHAEL JACKSON MAY CONTINUE HIS FRUGAL GORMET FOOD ONLY DIET WITH A VERY SPECIAL CULTURAL THANKS TO CHRIS CANYON AND KPK?
JOHN TARDY: THE FLATULANCE GOD MARCHING THROUGH MANHATTAN AND PUNCHING OUT BOX OFFICE EMPLOYEES ALL OVER THE CITY BECAUSE NONE OF THEM KNEW IF THERE WAS EVER GOING TO BE A TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES PART 4?
CANNOEING DOWN THE NILE WITH GEORGE GRAY?
TIME FOR ANOTHER LIVER TRANSPLANT GOD NEEDS TO PARACHUTE A BURGER INTO LOS ANGELES FOR WHEN HE GETS THERE AT DINNER TIME?
GUS?
PLINEY?
JIM?
MARTIN?
IRIS?
FAT LISA?
RINGO STAR ORDERING A PLATE OF PISSFRIES WITH A SHITGOD AUTOGRAPHED VANILLA COKE IN HONOR OF 2002?
JUDGE DELLA STABBING THE GOON TO DEATH BECAUSE THE JIM LAWLER EXPERIENCE WAS NOT AVAILABLE TO PLAY ROSA PARK'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?
PUT SOME GRAVY ON YOUR ICE CREAM, IT'LL MAKE YOU REALLY FAT... IF JOHN TENTA WERE HERE, HE'D SAY 'YOU CAN'T BEAT HHHAT!'
THE FEATHERBOTTOMED GENE COULD EAT 1,000 CANADIAN GEASE... YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON CORPORAL KIRCHNER'S FACE WHEN HE FOUND OUT HE WASN'T CHINESE!
THE HONKY TONK MAN MAKING AN APPERANCE ON WHEEL OF FISH BECAUSE MARK CANTERBURY FAILED TO REPORT ONION PITS SAYING 'CRAP' TO THE REGISTRY OF MOTOR VEHICLES IN THE FAMOUS WRESTLING TOWN OF PARTS UNKNOWN?
BIG JOHN STUDD WAS A TOUGH AND TERRIBLE MAN...AT MCDONALDS I OVERHEARD HIM SAY 'I DON'T BELIEVE IN KROKUS OR TULUS FANS!'
NECRO, TULUS AND ZAPPA FANS ARE ALL IN ALL ALIKE... BUT IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD CHINESE WITH ARTHUR MILLER, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE A DYKE!
WILLIAM COBB DUTCH OVENING TAMMY SYTCH BECAUSE JACK BLACK DEMANDED THE RUSTY TROMBONE FROM "GORATORY MICHELLE?"
JOHN CENA SUING BEETHOVEN FOR COMMERCIALIZATION OF THE CLASSICAL MUSIC RECORDING INDUSTRY IN THE 1800S BECAUSE BRUISER BRODY NEVER FORMALLY INTRODUCED HIMSELF TO POSERBOY'S DAD?
MICK FOLY HITCHING THE WHITE HOUSE TO THE BACK OF HIS MINI-VAN AND DRIVING IT TO MEXICO BECAUSE HE WAS INSULTED THAT SLAVERY WAS ABOLISHED IN THE SAME COUNTRY THAT BIG JOHN STUDD IS BURRIED IN?
FLAVOR FLAV ADOPTING THE GREAT KHALI AS HIS LONG LOST SON BECAUSE HALF HEAD WAS NOT NAMED HOMECOMMING QUEEN OF ATHOL HIGHSCHOOL?
KERRY KING DEFENISTRATING THOMAS CRAPPER OUT OF THE LEX EXPRESS TOUR BUS BECAUSE JAMES K. POLK NEVER AUTOGRAPHED THE SANDMAN'S COPY OF MALLRATS WHICH FEATURED AN ALTERNATE ENDING TO PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN IN WHICH BAD NEWS BROWN ARM WRESTLES ROSEANNE?
RICHARD DUSZA PLAYING HIDE THE PLUMS WITH POSERBOY'S DAD BECAUSE GENERAL EISENHOWER PREDICTED THE REUNION OF HELLOWEEN WITH RICK MARTEL AS SESSION BASSIST?
DON DECKER UNLEASHING A BABOON INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET DRESSING ROOM BECAUSE HARRY TRUMAN FORGOT TO READ THE NUTRITION FACTS ON A BOX OF GRAPENUTS BEFORE BURNING DOWN A LAS VEGAS GAY BAR?
DON DECKER HIRED AS A CONDUCTOR FOR THE BOSTON SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA TO DO THE NON-METAL SECTIONS OF BLESSED ARE THE SICK BECAUSE HORACE HOGAN GOT FIRED FROM WAL MART TO AVENGE JIM HELWIG'S LACKLUSTER WCW COMEBACK IN 1998?
YOKOZUNA STEALING A TRASHBARREL FULL OF ROCKSTEADY AND BEBOP ACTION FIGURES FROM A FLEA MARKET BECAUSE OUTLAW RON BASS STORMED OUT OF MOURIN'S AFTER A CRAPPY KAREOKE PERFORMANCE OF REBEL YELL BY GUS FROM BUILDING 19?
WON'T STOP LEAVING THAT PICTURE OF MANTAUR EATING RIBS ON ONION PITS' MYSPACE GOD NEEDS A CONTAMINATED SHARK-STEAK BURGER WITH LIGHTLY SEASONED PISSPICKLE ANCHOVIES?
TOM CRAPPER GOING OUT FOR HOT DOGS AND ICE CREAM WITH DUSTBALL JIM BECAUSE RICHARD THE JERK ADMITTED BEING THE TRUE 9/11 MASTERMIND TO THE KODIAK BEAR ONLY TO BE CALLED A FAGGOT AND HAVE SYRUPY FRENCH TOAST AND CIGARETTE BUTTS CHUCKED AT HIM FOR INTERRUPTING THEIR CRIBBAGE GAME?
GENE HOGLAN AND FRED OTTMAN DRAGGING STEVE MARTIN OUT BEHIND UNION STATION AND BEATING HIM SENSELESS, THEN HITTING HIM WITH THE DOOMSDAY DEVICE FOR NOT PRETENDING TO BE JOHNNY CASH WHILE THEY ATE BURGERS AND DRANK GUINESS IN THOUGHTS OF MARK CANTERBURY'S PIG SINGING WHEREVER I MAY ROAM FOR BOB REMUS' 4TH ANNUAL TALENT SHOW AT RENOB'S OLD APARTMENT?
STU HART BEING SPOTTED WEARING A DECKER SHIRT OUTSIDE A THOROGOOD CONVENTION, A SURPRISING TRANSPIRENCE CONSIDERING KPK QUIT NAMBLA TO GET A JOB AT BUILDING 19 BECAUSE HE HEARD THERE WERE SOME SERIOUS CRIBBAGE GAMES GOING ON IN THE BACK ROOM?
TOM ARAYA SHOOTING EVERY ALASKAN PERSON THAT HAS EVER BEEN MISTAKEN FOR SOMEONE NAMED BOB IN THE LEFT FOOT OUT OF FEELINGS OF RAGE AND DISAPPOINTMENT OVER THE FACT THAT FRANK GOTCH DID NOT LIVE TO SEE THE RISE OF AND MAINSTREAM POPULARITY ACHIEVEMENT OF CHICKEN FRIES?
GREG VALENTINE ILLEGALLY SEASONING A PEPPER STEAK RIVER CARP BURGER BECAUSE AXL ROTTEN IS SICK OF HAVING HIS EBAY ACCOUNT CANCELLED FOR CONTINUOUSLY EMAILING EBAY'S PRESIDENT WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS FUED WITH HAYSTACKS CALHOUN?
HARLEY RACE RELUCTANTLY BEATING UP MACAULIE CAULKIN IN ORDER TO CONFIRM HIS SUSPICIAN THAT ARTHUR MILLER INVENTED THE SHARPSHOOTER?
JOSH TETREAULT ORDERING FRIES AT A KREATOR SHOW BECAUSE CIRITH UNGOL DECLARED WAR ON LARRY ZBYSCO FOR OUTLAWING BURGERS FROM ANY oh my goodness i love anthills!!!!
COWBOY BOB ORTON HAVING MARIA ARRESTED FOR IMPERSONATING YOSEMITTEE SAM BECAUSE THE DOG HE STOLE FROM CALVIN COOLIDGE SUCKS AT FETCHING HIM HIS MORNING PAPER?
CAPTAIN INSANO ROBBING THE EIFFEL TOWER VS. RIP PLAYING INTO THE LUNGS OF HELL ON THE UKELALE?
EL DUCE SEXUALLY HARRASSING A BAG OF BRAN MUFFINS THAT AL CAPONE HAD PURCHASED FOR MOTHER'S DAY AFTER ASKING NAILZ FOR AN EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT AT THE FLORIST WHEN GLEN BENTON AND GEORGE FISHER TRADED OBSTACLE COURSE INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEOS IN ORDER TO SAVE LYNDON B. JOHNSON FROM JOINING THE DECEPTICONS DURING RICHARD DUSZA'S PERFORMANCE OF PEACE SELLS ON THE TUBA FOR FREE TACOS AT AN AMISH-THEMED RE-ENACTMENT OF WRESTLMANIA 9 WHICH CONVINCED VARG VIKERNES TO CONVERT TO JUDIASM AS A TRIBUTE TO LANNY POFFO'S TURTLE RANCH BECAUSE X-PAC SUCKS?
ABDULAH THE BUTCHER PURCHASING A SAVED BY THE BELL T-SHIRT ON EBAY TO CHEER HIMSELF UP AFTER FINDING OUT THAT ROSS THE BOSS WAS NEARLY FIRED FROM MANOWAR AFTER SUGGESTING HIM TO BE IN THE SLIM-JIM COMMERCIALS IF RANDY SAVAGE WAS NOT AVAILABLE?
FLASH FUNK GOING TO CHICKEN POWER FOR A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH BECAUSE FRED OTTMAN ADMITTED TO HAVING RECURRING DREAMS ABOUT FLIPPING HOT DOGS AND HAMBURGERS AT PAPA-GINOS?
JOHN CANDY VS. RICHARD MANN?
MEYERSMANIA RUNNING WILD ON CENTERDALE BECAUSE STORMIN NORMAN DENIED HAVING A HOAGIE WITH BRUNO SAMMARTINO?
WILLIAM MCKINLEY BEING ASSASSINATED ON HIS WAY TO A FRANK GOTCH MATCH BECAUSE LARS ULRICH VOTED AGAINST THE WORLD CRIBBAGE CHAMPIONSHIP BEING HELD AT BUILDING 19?
JOHN CENA THROWING BRICKS, ROCKS AND SMALL ANIMALS THROUGH ALL THE WINDOWS IN JOE PISCOPO'S HOUSE TO SHOW HIS APPRECIATION FOR MEAN GENE OAKERLUND'S ABILITY TO YODEL WHILE JUGGLING POISONIOUS SNAKES?
ARNOLD SKAALAND THROWING YOKOZUNA FROM ATTLEBORO TO DALLAS BECAUSE THERE WAS NEVER ANY SIGN OF THE GOON APPEARING IN ANY OF THE STAR WARS FILMS?
COWBOY BOB ORTON ROLLING UP THE MORNING PAPER AND DECAPITATING TAKA MICHINOKU WITH IT BECAUSE JACK TUNNY NEVER ASKED WUGGSLEY OUT ON A DATE TO GO LOX SAMPLING EVEN THOUGH CORPORAL KIRSCHNER IS NOT CHINESE?
AL YANKOVIC INTRODUCING BILL CLINTON TO GEORGE FISHER AFTER LES CLAYPOOL THREW HIMSELF OUT OF A SECOND STORY WINDOW TO DEMONSTRATE THE DEFINITION OF DEFENISTRATE BECAUSE DICK THE BRUISER WAS 5 MINUTES LATE FOR BREAKFEST AT MCDONALDS AND HAD TO ORDER LUNCH AT THE DRIVE THRU?
JIM CORNETTE PUTTING ON BAGGY PANTS, A THUG SWEATSHIRT AND A DO-RAG AND BLASTING DR. DRE WHILE ENGAGING IN A DRIVE-BY SHOOTING OF 42ND ST. IN NEW YORK CITY OUT OF ANGER OVER THE FACT THAT TULUS DID NOT HEADLINE THE METALFEST THIS YEAR?
GOES TO BLOCKBUSTER TO RENT SWEATIN' TO THE OLDIES EVERY WEEKEND JUST FOR THE MUSIC GOD NEEDS A DUSTY RHODES AUTOGRAPHED OCTOPUS FLAVORED SHOWER HEAD WITH A SHELF LIFE OF 142 DAYS?
BARRY WINDHAM PLAYING HORSESHOES WITH HELL HAMMER BECAUSE JERRY ELLIS HAS NO FEET Oh my god! Happy YOM KIPPUR!!!!
GREGORY HELMS HIDING SKY LOW LOW UNDER HIS SHIRT TO PRESENT THE ILLUSION OF HIM HAVING A BEER GUT SO HE DOESN'T LOOK OUT OF PLACE AT THE THOROGOOD CONVENTION EVEN THOUGH BILLY GUN IS NOT KNOWN FOR APPLE PICKING?
GLASS ONION?
SAVOY TRUFFLE?
LETHAL PENGUIN DISCOURAGEMENT?
A STAINED GLASS CRIBBAGE BOARD FOR THE RELIGIOUS BUILDIGN 19 EMPLOYEE?
THEO EPSTINE ASKING ONION PITTS TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT FENWAY PARK BECAUSE MR. FUJI WAS NOT THE DELIVERY MAN WHEN CHRIS BARNES ORDERED CHINESE FROM QUAN'S KITCHEN?
CURT HENNIG SHOWING UP TO THE HIP-HOP AWARDS IN A CRUDELY, SHARPE-DRAWN ASPHYX LOGO COVERED, RIPPED UP, DENIM THRASHVEST TO CONTINUE THE CRUSADE AGAINST RAP MUSIC WHERE GARY LEFT OFF BY DISCOVERING A CATCHY STICKY FINGAZ SONG AND THEN PUNCHING X-PAC IN THE FACE BECAUSE HE SUCKS?
BLACKJACK LANZA?
GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, GOOD?
KEEPS WAKING UP TO A GAME OF HIDE THE PLUMS WITH RICHARD MANN GOD NEEDS A FRUITFUL ONION STEAK WITH LIGHTLY SEASONED PISS-PEPPER?
MARK HENRY THROWING UP AFTER TRYING A BEER BECAUSE NIGGERFRIES REFUSED TO SHARE A BANANA SPLIT WITH WAYNE FROM SCUMBITCH AFTER HEARING WITH GREAT DISAPPROVAL THAT THE CLASSIC THIRTEEN YEAR OLD HOME DEPOT SMOCK ROCKING DECKER ADDICT TRADED IN HIS ROCKABILLY LUNCH BOX?
COCK FROM BLDG 19 ISSUING FORMAL APOLOGIES TO ALL WORLD TRADE CENTER VICTIMS NOT FOR HIS COMMENT TO BEN GOLDBERG, BUT FOR LOSING A BET WITH PLINEY OVER WHO WOULD WIN A GOLF GAME BETWEEN KERRY KING AND TERRY TAYLOR?
JOHN TENTA CHALLENGING BRUCE PRITCHARD TO A NO HOLDS BARRED, FAST FOOD BRAWL IN A MCDONALDS BATHROOM WITH BIG BILL TAFT AS THE REF BECAUSE KENNY FROM THE SPIRIT SQUAD WAS NOT SACRIFICED AS A MARTYR WHEN DON DECKER CRUSHED PROVINCETOWN, MA WITH HIS BEER GUT?
DENNIS KNIGHT EJECTING BARNEY RUBBLE FROM A GONDOLA BECAUSE MICHAEL JACKSON ACED A MASTURBATOR'S RETRAINING COURSE?
THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER GRUMPILY WATCHING A 34 HOUR DUCKMAN MARATHON AND ORDERING A PIZZA EVERY HOUR, BUT ALWAYS HIDING BEHIND THE COUCH EVERY TIME THE DOORBELL RINGS HOPING IT WILL SOMEHOW CAUSE CURT ANGLE'S HAIR TO GROW BACK?
WAYNE FROM SCUMBITCH CONVINCING VINCE MCMAHON TO BET ALL HIS MONEY ON THE ODDS OF WEDDING FRIES BECOMING PRESIDENT BECAUSE ILL BILL CANCELLED GRIZZLY SMITH'S ASTRONAUT CLASS?
TOM BRANDI PUNCHING OUT SANDRA BULLOCK FOR MAKING OUT WITH PAUL BEARER ON AN EPISODE OF DOUBLE DARE BECAUSE APG IS NOT FROM SUDAN?
BASTION BOOGER STARRING IN A FILM CALLED "THE BOY WHO CRAPPED HIS PANTS IN ANGER" BECAUSE RANDY POFFO USED THE RAY GUN FROM HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS TO SHRINK HIMSELF SO THAT HE COULD HAVE A QUIET GAME OF CROQUET WITH DON DECKER IN POSERBOY'S DAD'S HAT, UNDETECTED?
ROB ZOMBIE SETTING FIRE TO AN ALBINO PRARRIE DOG BECAUSE BULL CURRY DECIDED THAT IT WAS ILLEGAL FOR JIMMY CARTER TO EAT DORITOS IN ARKANSAS?
BUCK ADAMS LAUGHING AT THE FALL OF THE WTC, NOT FOR BEING A CLOSET SAND NIGGER, BUT FOR THE FORSHADOWING OF AN AMUSING ARGUMENT AT BUILDING 19 AND THE FACT THAT RICK DERRINGER DIDN'T COVER FURNAS AND LAFON'S THEME MUSIC FOR A QUARTHON TRIBUTE DVD?
CHAVO GUERRO COMPOSING A 2 DAY, 7 HOUR LONG OPERA ABOUT THE EVOLUTION OF TEH MUSTACHE BECAUSE REPO MAN TRADED THE BUILDING 19 CRIBBAGE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY TO DUFF MCKAGAN IN EXCHANGE FOR ILLEGAL OWNERSHIP OF MEXICO?
ARVID FROM HEAD OF THE CLASS DEFENISTRATING KEN KENNEDY, OFFENSIVE JOE AND A GIRAFFE INTO LAKE PLACID BECAUSE CHYNA IS NOT FROM CHINA?
COLUMBO ARRESTING BAD NEWS BROWN NOT FOR STEALING KOKO B. WARE'S GIMMICK OF BEING ANTI-MASTURBATION, BUT BECAUSE JOHN DWYER BOUGHT AN EAGLES GREATEST HITS CD TO SATISFY HIS NEED FOR A NIAGRA FALLS BURGER?
R.I.P. JON NODTVEIDT OF DISSECTION?
SHULTZ MEISTERSON AND OTTO VON GOON ORDERING A SPIELBURG STYLE MOOSE BURGER WITH KOBOLD CAKES BECAUSE PISSED OFF 'CAUSE HE MISSED THE ELEVATOR GOD SHIT HIS DRAWERS ON THE WAY TO FAT LIZ'S NAZI CATERING SERVICE?
'REPAIR' RICHARD MANN TEAMING UP WITH JON 'HAWK' KRASNER VS. TOM ARAYA AND ROSEANNE ARNOLD IN AN IDENTITY THEFT/ALIMONY ON A POLE MATCH?
MARK ARM BECOMING A MERLOT CONNISSOUR THEN GETTING DRUNK OFF ICE HOUSE AND ADMITTING TO HAVING STARTED THE GRUNGE ERA COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT AND WAS ACTUALLY ATTEMPTING TO STARTING A GLAM BAND, BUT SIMPLY HAD MISGUIDED TASTE IN 80'S FASHION AND MUSIC?
A BEWILDERED LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMING "HE WAS THERE ALL THAT TIME" ON THE OPENING NIGHT OF TMNT 2 ONLY TO BE CALLED A WHINNY BUTTFUCKER AND TOLD THE SHUT UP AND BE QUIET BY GROVER CLEVELAND?
LEX LUGER OPENING A CAN OF TUNA WITH HIS TEETH BECAUSE THE NINE VOLUME DOCUMENTARY ON THE EVENTS LEADING UP TO KEVIN KELLY'S INTERVIEW WITH AL SNOW ABOUT THE FORTHCOMING SHOWDOWN BETWEEN ROCKABILLY AND TAKA MICHINOKU ON SHOTGUN SATURDAY NIGHT ERRONEOUSLY FAILED TO COVER THE DYNAMIC EFFECT OF CRIBBAGE IN THE LIVES OF WRESTLERS AND GRINDCORE MUSICIANS WHO HAVE A COLLECTIVE TENDENCY TO EAT NON-NUTRITIOUS FOODS DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE PHYSICALLY FULL?
IRIS THE CAT PILE DRIVING RICHARD THE JERK INTO THE CONCRETE, THEN TALKING BOBO BRAZIL TO COURT IN THE YEAR 1985 IN A SADISTIC PLOT TO CONVINCE PAUL WIGHT TO STEAL THE FAT SISTER'S CRADLE OF FILTH TICKET IN 1999, SPONSORED BY RICHARD MANN?
ADAM COPELAND SCALING MT. RUSHMORE ONLY TO FIND JERRY BLACKWELL EATING TWO BIG ROASTS AND SLAYING THE OCCASIONAL NIGGER BETWEEN BITES?
KEVIN FEDERLINE, DAVID ARQUETTE, DENNIS RODMAN AND JAY LENO TEAMING UP AGAINST GEORGE GREY, FRED OTTMAN, RAY TRAYLOR AND JOHN TENTA IN AN '88 STYLE FAT VS. FAME THANKSGIVING DAY SURVIVOR SERIES SHOWDOWN?
THE MEMBERS OF DADA GETTING TOGETHER TO WATCH WWF MONDAY NIGHT RAW PRIME CUTS ON VHS NOT FOR BASTION BOOGER NOSTALGIA, BUT IN HONOR OF JIM LAWLER'S VIDEO HEIST IN 1998?
DICK GEPHARDT NEEDS A STONEHENGE BURGER!
GENERAL TRAGG VOWING NEVER TO EAT CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE AGAIN NOT TO CONVINCE RODDY PIPPER TO STEAL RICHARD DUSZA'S WATER COUNTRY TICKETS, BUT TO FORCE E. HONDA TO GO BACK IN TIME AND START A NATIONWIDE MOVEMENT IN JAPAN TO CONVINCE FRANKLINPIERCE THAT AKEEM IS JEWISH?
CHRIS BARNES THROWING A CHINESE WEDDING NIGGER FROM OUTTER SPACE OUT OF QUAN'S KITCHEN BECAUSE RONALD REGAN DEFEATED AL SNOW IN A "LOSER SETS FIRE TO PARIS HILTON" MATCH?
PAUL MCCARTNEY SIGNING THE BEATLES CATALOG OVER TO FUDGEWORTHY RECORDS SO HIS EX-WIFE WILL HAVE TO ENDURE DON DECKER'S ENSEMBLE OF ASSORTED FAT, FART AND FILTH JOKES IN ORDER TO MAKE A PROFIT FROM THEIR MUSIC?
MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK RECRUITING JAMES K. POLK TO PROTEST A COLLECTIVE SOUL CONCERT, NOT BECAUSE HE FELT IT WAS TOO UNMETAL, BUT BECAUSE WILLIAM REGAL MARCHED THROUGH FRANCE, DRESSED AS NEPOLEON WITH A BROAD SWORD AND VIKING HELMET WHILE LISTENING TO EINHEJER?
ORBOSNACK FOOD INHALERS INC. BUYING OUT SCUMSOFT BECAUSE ASTRO CHICKEN FLIGHT HATS ARE NO LONGER FOUND IN MONOLITH BURGER HAPPY MEALS?
FESTER BLATS LEAVING PHLEEBHUT TO OPEN ANOTHER WORLD O WONDERS TOURIST TRAP SOMEWHERE IN THE MILKY WAY TO GAIN THE TUTELAGE OF A HUMAN KNOWN AS RICHARD MANN?
ANDY ROONEY BEGGING HALF HEAD FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH BECAUSE MEL GIBBSON MADE AN APPEARANCE AT THE BUILDING 19 CRIBBAGE FINALS TO PROVE TO IRIS THAT HE DOES NOT HATE THE JEWS?
REVEREND SHIT FUCK OF CANNIBAL HORSE HAVING A FRIED YACK MEAT SANDWICH DELIVERED TO SHERRY MARTEL'S HOUSE OUT OF SPITE TOWARD THE BIG BOSS MAN NOT ARRESTING CHUCK D AND FLAVOR FLAV ON EVERY ST. PATRICK'S DAY?
STEVE LOMBARDI'S EYEBALLS DILATING WITH SHOCK AT A GEORGE THOROGOOD CONVENTION NOT BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STARVING IN AFRICA, BUT BECAUSE DWAYNE JOHNSON SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE UNCLE ELMER FAN CLUB?
JIMMY CARTER SNEAKING OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE TO ATTEND HOUSE SHOWS IN 1980 NOT TO DRAW INSPIRATION FROM CORPORAL KIRSCHNER AND BOB REMUS BUT TO MAKE SURE HE WOULDN'T MISS THE BLINDFOLD MATCH BETWEEN JAKE ROBERTS AND RICK MARTEL, FORGETTING THAT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN UNTIL A DECADE LATER AND TIME TRAVEL WAS AT THE TIME OFTEN CONFUSED WITH CONFUSED WITH PISS?
BARRRY DARSAW AND APG GOING BEFORE THE SUPREME COURT AND ATTEMPTING TO PASS A BILL THAT WILL RESULT IN JFK'S GRAVE BEING DUG UP AND FLOATED OUT TO SEA AND REPLACE WITH A GEORGE GREY MUSEUM/BAR/WENDY'S?
DUSTIN RUNNELS KIDNAPPING MATILDA NOT TO BRING BACK THE FERVOR OF THE LATE 90'S EUROPEAN TITLE CIRCUIT, BUT TO TEACH DISCO INFERNO A THING OR TWO ABOUT ASS PISS?
JOEY MERCURY CONTEMPLATING DROWNING EVERY CAT OWNED BY THE DADS OF THE GUYS IN EXHORDER BECAUSE HENRY VIII NEVER INVESTED IN A POWERS OF PAIN LUNCHBOX?
PAUL WIGHT GOING BACK IN TIME TO 1941 AND GETTING HIMSELF ELECTED AS PRESIDENT, THEN SELLING HAWAII TO JAPAN, NOT FOR THE SAKE OF AVOIDING THE ATTACK ON PEARL HARBOR, BUT SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CURT HENNIG SPRAYING SHAVING CREAM IN HIS HAIR ON THE PLANE TRIP TO OAHU?
LANNY POFFO INSISTING AT A WWE PRODUCTION MEETING THAT THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA PASSES BY ABBEY ROAD IN ENGLAND, HOPING TO BREAK ADOLF HITLER'S HEART, NOT BECAUSE OF HIS CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, BUT BECAUSE HE WAS INFRINGING UPON THE COPYWRIGHT LAWS OF CHARLIE CHAPMAN, WHENEVER HITLER WORE A TOP HAT?
RIKISHI PHATU NEEDS A SIX PATTY MOOSE MELT WITH EIGHTEEN STRIPS OF BACON AND AN ANTEATER SNOT SHAKE?
DUSTY RHODES PUTTING ON A SOMBRARRO AND FAKE MUSTACHE, THEN GLUEING 8 PEACOCK FEATHERS TO HIS FACE AND PERFORMING A YODELING, UKALALE VERSION OF SYMPHONY OF DESTRUCTION BECAUSE ADAM MEYERS DID NOT AGREE TO AUTOGRAPH THE MANOWAR LOGO IN THE BACK ROOM OF BUILDING 19 FOR OUT OF SHAPE AL'S IDEA TO WRITE GO ASK ALICE PART 2?
BILL EADIE SENDING AWAY FOR A LABION TERROR BEAST MATING WHISTLE NOT TO ANGER THE GIPPAZOID NOVELTY COMPANY, BUT TO IMPRESS FESTER BLATZ ON SUBSEQUENT TRIPS TO PHLEEBHUT AND POLYSORBATE LX?
EVAN SEINFELD AND JERRY SEINFELD RE-ENACTING THE JAIL HOUSE MATCH BETWEEN THE BIG BOSS MAN AND THE MOUNTIE FROM SUMMERSLAM '91 BECAUSE MERLE ALLIN WAS SLIGHTLY RELUCTANT ABOUT OPENING HISOWN TODD PETINGILL MUSEUM?
BILLY GRAHM COMMENTING ON SYLVESTER STALONE BASHING SETHFRIES' HEAD IN WITH A CROBAR BECAUSE HE FELT THAT JERRY BLACKWELL'S DESIRE TO STAY HOME AND WATCH A MOVIE WHILE EATING A FEW ROASTS WITH A FEW GOOD FRIENDS WAS THREATENED BY A BUNCH OF JEWISH ALIEN FREAKSFROM OUTTER SPACE?
SYLVESTER THE CAT, THE ALLOSAURUS?
DONALD DECKER THE DUCK, QUACK QUACK... FLAP FLAP FLAP, PLOP!
TERRY BOLEA, THE DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS?
BARRY HORROWITZ WITH NO ARMS, THE FUTURE BOB SLEDDING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD?
BOB SAGET EXLAIMING "HENRY GODWIN!" FROM A LEBANESE ROOF TOP AT 5 AM NOT TO WAKE BULL CURRY, BUT TO EXPRESS HIS ANGER WITH M. BISON FOR HIRING A THAI IMPOSTER?
DON KING ASKING KIRK HAMMETT TO GIVE HIM A MULLET TO HELP HIM PROMOTE HIS NEW 80'S THEMED EGG NOG BOXING MATCH FEATURING JOE LOUIS & STU HART VS. BLANKA & SWAMP THING?
GARY HOLT AND PAUL BALOFF WATCHING PIPER'S PIT BECAUSE FRED OTTMAN COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE GEORGE THOROGOOD CONVENTION TO REPRESENT MEYERS MANIA?
TOMMY DREAMER STANDING OVER HERBERT HOOVER'S GRACE AND ASKING HIM TO BANN RICH LIPSCOMB OF FLESHGRIND FROM EVERY GROCERY STORE IN NORTH AMERICA BECAUSE BILLY BOB THORTON FORGOT HOW TO READ DUE TO EATING TOO MANY POTATOES?
LEON WHITE SPRINTING DOWN NEWBURY ST. IN BOSTON WITH A MEATBALL SUB CLENCHED UNDER HIS ARM BECAUSE KING DIAMOND COULDN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELMER FUDD, PORKY PIG AND DUSTY RHODES?
FINLAY'S MIDGIT BODY SLAMMING WENDY RICTER INTO RICHARD MANN'S COLLECTION OF PRENUPS AND DIVORCE DOCUMENTS THEN STEALING HER PURSE BECAUSE SETH PUTNAM HIRED JOHN WILLIAMS AND PETE YORN TO COMPOSE A BOROQUE CHAMBER METAL POLKA DANCE OPERA ABOUT THE EPIC STORY OF KYLE FROM INCANTATION'S MUSTACHE?
ARIGHT!! FROZEN LOGS!!
BLACKJACK LANZA REFUSING TO ADMIT THAT MIKE SHAW AND GEORGE GREY ARE NOT RELATED BECAUSE FRED OTTMAN TRULY KNOWS HOW TO ENJOY A FRIED FISH SANDWICH?
SID PRAISING THE COMEDIC EFFORTS OF BEN STILLER BECAUSE POSERBOY WAS DUPED INTO BELIEVING THAT CELTIC FROST WAS PLAYING AT JAKE'S BAR N' GRILL IN EAST BRIDGEWATER?
ZAKK WYLDE HOLDING A GUN TO TORRIE WILSON'S HEAD AND DEMANDING THAT SHE GROW A MUSTACHE BECAUSE MARK CANTERBURY THREW A POTATO THROUGH A WHITE HOUSE WINDOW STRIKING GEORGE W. IN THE HEAD CAUSING HIM TO FALL FORWARD AND ACCIDENTALLY SIGN A DOCUMENT THAT WOULD MAKE FRED SAVAGE HIS V.P.?
ALEX WEBSTER CARVING A SAVED BY THE BELL LOGO INTO IVAN KOLOF'S CHEST BECAUSE MATT HARDY GOT ARRESTED FOR ATTEMPTING TO SELL GERALD FORD ON EBAY?
ROB CONWAY ATTEMPTING TO FAX AN ELEPHANT OVER TO AL GORE'S OFFICE BECAUSE OZZY OSBOURNE DISCOVERED THAT BETSY ROSS WAS LEGALLY MARRIED TO A PIGEON NAMED TOMATOFIST WHO WON HER HEART BY BECOMING THE FIRST EVER WORLD POKER CHAMPION?
FAST EDDIE CLARK SUING THE STATE OF COLORADO FOR IMPERSONATING THE STATE OF WYOMING BECAUSE JERRY BLACKWELL GETS DEPRESSED EVERY TIME GENE OAKERLUND MAKES REFERENCE TO CHESTER A. ARTHUR'S MUSTACHE?
THE WELL KNOWN FRANK MEADOWS REFUSING TO JOB TO THE MISSING LINK IN A GREMLINS 2 STYLE BOOT CAMP MATCH BECUASE BOB REMUS NEVER GOT TO DEFENISTRATE SERPENTOR?
MEL BLANC BOMBING EL SALVADOR BECAUSE DON DOKKEN PISSED AWAY HIS DOPE MONEY ON JOHN CANDY TRADING CARDS?
CINDY LAUPER CLUCKING LIKE A CHICKEN AT TIME SQUARE BECAUSE YOSEMITTEE SAM WENT ON A VEGETABLE STRIKE UNTIL PAUL HEYMAN'S HAIR GROWS BACK?
ELEN DEGENERES SELLING BAGELS IN TIME SQUARE?
TAFT LISTENING TO KROKUS SING AMERICAN WOMAN ON HIS WAY TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HE ATE TYRA BANKS, BUT COULDN'T SHIT HER OUT BECAUSE HER FOREHEAD WAS TOO LARGE?
DAN QUALE DENYING HIS REPEATED ATTENDENCE TO VARIOUS KROKUS CONCERTS DURING THE HEADHUNTER TOUR BECAUSE GEORGE BUSH SR. DRUNKENLY MADE FUN OF RANDY ORTON FOR BEING TOO SHORT TO RIDE THE ROLLER COASTERS DURING THE 1990 STATE OF THE WORLD ADDRESS?
JIMMY CARTER FURIOUSLY STORMING OUT OF A 2003 METALLICA CONCERT AND PUNCHNG OUT EVERYONE ON THE STREET SELLING SAUSAGES BECAUSE BOB REMUS ACCIDENTALLY GAVE HIM A 20 YEAR OLD FLYER, LEADING HIM TO BELIEVE THEY WERE OPENING FOR SAXON?
RAY TRAYLOR DISGUISING HIMSELF AS PRESIDENT BUSH, THEN GOING ON TV TO MAKE THREATS TO BOMB THE ENTIRE PLANET INTO A NUCLEAR WINTER UNLESS EVERYONE IN THE WORLD LEARNS AND RECITES THE LYRICS TO "THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY" BECAUSE CONGRESS REFUSED TO REPLACE A PORTRAIT OF WOODROW WILSON IN THE WHITE HOUSE WITH A PORTRAIT OF FENRIZ?
MR. KEN KENNEDY GOING THROUGH EVERY GOVT. DOCUMENT, HISTORY BOOK AND WEBSITE AND COMPLETELY REMOVING ANY DOCUMENTATION OR KNOWLEDGE OF THE EXISTENCE OFTHE LIFE OF HARRY TRUMAN FROM AMERICAN HISTORY AND REPLACING IT WITH THE LIFE OF NECRO-BUTCHER TO PROVE THAT A STONED, SATANIC, NORWEIGAN POT HEAD IS MORE LIKELY TO REFUSE TO LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE THAN A FORMER PRESIDENT, BASED ON THE FACT THAT STEVE LOMBARDI IS NOT AN ESKIMO?
GEORGE GREY PRANK CALLING RICHARD SIMMONS AT 3 AM AND PLAYING SLEEPING IN MY PISS OVER THE PHONE NOT BECAUSE HIS LONG LOST TWIN, CLASSIC 80S FAT GUY SHOWED UP ON MYSPACE, BUT BECAUSE SHAD FROM CRYME TYME EXCLAIMED "BOOM!" WHEN HE CAUGHT A LARGE MOUTH BASS WHILE FISHING IN PETE SANDOVAL'S TOILET?
RICHARD MANN PLEDGING HIS LOVE TO JAZZ THEN ABSCONDING A BAG CONTAINING HER LIFE SAVINGS AND PADDLING AWAY DOWN THE INDUS RIVER IN A GETAWAY CANNOE?
UNCLE CLETUS OPENING A PAPERCLIP EMPORIUM TO IMPRESS JAZZ BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY A MAN WITHOUT HIS OWN MONEY EVER AGAIN?
"Anyone for tennis? Wouldn't that be nice?" -Eric Clapton(circa 1967)
"Tennis Sucks!" - Hulk Hogan(circa 2006)
"Tulus Sucks!" -Ben Goldberg(circa 2004)
DON DECKER AND THE KODIAK BEAR HIKING TO WYOMING FOR A CRIBBAGE CONVENTION IN 2017 BECAUSE OF WORLDWIDE JOBBER PERSECUTION, GRINDCORE BECOMING MAINSTREAM AND THE BRUTAL MURDER OF JERRY ELLIS AT THE HANDS OF OLIVER NORTH?
JOHN ARBUCKLE VS. FATTY ARBUCKLE?
DICK DEUCE, THE MARINE?
RICHARD DOUSA AND BOB REMUS TEAMING UP TO SUE A HAIR REMOVAL CREAM COMPANY BECAUSE THEY BOTH HAD TO START SHAVING IN THEIR RESPECTIVE HORSESHOES?
BETTER LAY OFF THE CHOCOLATE FRITOS GOD NEEDS A BACON AND SODA SYRUP SANDWICH INSPIRED BY BOB REMUS' EX-WIFE?
COVERED WAGON DRIVING THE CHOOSE OR LOSE BUS TO NIAGRA FALLS BECAUSE GENE SNITSKY ATE AN IGLOO THAT ED QUESTIONMARK HAD PLANNED TO SAIL TO CHINA?
CAN'T GET AN ERECTION WITHOUT EATING A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH GOD NEEDS RENE GOULET AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF MALEVOLENT CREATION'S ETERNAL FOR REASSURANCE OF HIS ABILITY TO MASTURBATE DURING JOBBER APPRECIATION WEEK?
CAN'T TAKE A DUMP UNLESS HE'S LISTENING TO BRUTAL TRUTH GOD NEEDS A RACIST PEANUTBUTTER AND PORCUPINE MEAT SANDWICH SO MICHAEL JACKSON MAY CONTINUE HIS FRUGAL GORMET FOOD ONLY DIET WITH A VERY SPECIAL CULTURAL THANKS TO CHRIS CANYON AND KPK?
JOHN TARDY: THE FLATULANCE GOD MARCHING THROUGH MANHATTAN AND PUNCHING OUT BOX OFFICE EMPLOYEES ALL OVER THE CITY BECAUSE NONE OF THEM KNEW IF THERE WAS EVER GOING TO BE A TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES PART 4?
CANNOEING DOWN THE NILE WITH GEORGE GRAY?
TIME FOR ANOTHER LIVER TRANSPLANT GOD NEEDS TO PARACHUTE A BURGER INTO LOS ANGELES FOR WHEN HE GETS THERE AT DINNER TIME?
GUS?
PLINEY?
JIM?
MARTIN?
IRIS?
FAT LISA?
RINGO STAR ORDERING A PLATE OF PISSFRIES WITH A SHITGOD AUTOGRAPHED VANILLA COKE IN HONOR OF 2002?
JUDGE DELLA STABBING THE GOON TO DEATH BECAUSE THE JIM LAWLER EXPERIENCE WAS NOT AVAILABLE TO PLAY ROSA PARK'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?
PUT SOME GRAVY ON YOUR ICE CREAM, IT'LL MAKE YOU REALLY FAT... IF JOHN TENTA WERE HERE, HE'D SAY 'YOU CAN'T BEAT HHHAT!'
THE FEATHERBOTTOMED GENE COULD EAT 1,000 CANADIAN GEASE... YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE LOOK ON CORPORAL KIRCHNER'S FACE WHEN HE FOUND OUT HE WASN'T CHINESE!
THE HONKY TONK MAN MAKING AN APPERANCE ON WHEEL OF FISH BECAUSE MARK CANTERBURY FAILED TO REPORT ONION PITS SAYING 'CRAP' TO THE REGISTRY OF MOTOR VEHICLES IN THE FAMOUS WRESTLING TOWN OF PARTS UNKNOWN?
BIG JOHN STUDD WAS A TOUGH AND TERRIBLE MAN...AT MCDONALDS I OVERHEARD HIM SAY 'I DON'T BELIEVE IN KROKUS OR TULUS FANS!'
NECRO, TULUS AND ZAPPA FANS ARE ALL IN ALL ALIKE... BUT IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD CHINESE WITH ARTHUR MILLER, YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE A DYKE!
WILLIAM COBB DUTCH OVENING TAMMY SYTCH BECAUSE JACK BLACK DEMANDED THE RUSTY TROMBONE FROM "GORATORY MICHELLE?"
JOHN CENA SUING BEETHOVEN FOR COMMERCIALIZATION OF THE CLASSICAL MUSIC RECORDING INDUSTRY IN THE 1800S BECAUSE BRUISER BRODY NEVER FORMALLY INTRODUCED HIMSELF TO POSERBOY'S DAD?
MICK FOLY HITCHING THE WHITE HOUSE TO THE BACK OF HIS MINI-VAN AND DRIVING IT TO MEXICO BECAUSE HE WAS INSULTED THAT SLAVERY WAS ABOLISHED IN THE SAME COUNTRY THAT BIG JOHN STUDD IS BURRIED IN?
FLAVOR FLAV ADOPTING THE GREAT KHALI AS HIS LONG LOST SON BECAUSE HALF HEAD WAS NOT NAMED HOMECOMMING QUEEN OF ATHOL HIGHSCHOOL?
KERRY KING DEFENISTRATING THOMAS CRAPPER OUT OF THE LEX EXPRESS TOUR BUS BECAUSE JAMES K. POLK NEVER AUTOGRAPHED THE SANDMAN'S COPY OF MALLRATS WHICH FEATURED AN ALTERNATE ENDING TO PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN IN WHICH BAD NEWS BROWN ARM WRESTLES ROSEANNE?
RICHARD DUSZA PLAYING HIDE THE PLUMS WITH POSERBOY'S DAD BECAUSE GENERAL EISENHOWER PREDICTED THE REUNION OF HELLOWEEN WITH RICK MARTEL AS SESSION BASSIST?
DON DECKER UNLEASHING A BABOON INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET DRESSING ROOM BECAUSE HARRY TRUMAN FORGOT TO READ THE NUTRITION FACTS ON A BOX OF GRAPENUTS BEFORE BURNING DOWN A LAS VEGAS GAY BAR?
DON DECKER HIRED AS A CONDUCTOR FOR THE BOSTON SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA TO DO THE NON-METAL SECTIONS OF BLESSED ARE THE SICK BECAUSE HORACE HOGAN GOT FIRED FROM WAL MART TO AVENGE JIM HELWIG'S LACKLUSTER WCW COMEBACK IN 1998?
YOKOZUNA STEALING A TRASHBARREL FULL OF ROCKSTEADY AND BEBOP ACTION FIGURES FROM A FLEA MARKET BECAUSE OUTLAW RON BASS STORMED OUT OF MOURIN'S AFTER A CRAPPY KAREOKE PERFORMANCE OF REBEL YELL BY GUS FROM BUILDING 19?
WON'T STOP LEAVING THAT PICTURE OF MANTAUR EATING RIBS ON ONION PITS' MYSPACE GOD NEEDS A CONTAMINATED SHARK-STEAK BURGER WITH LIGHTLY SEASONED PISSPICKLE ANCHOVIES?
TOM CRAPPER GOING OUT FOR HOT DOGS AND ICE CREAM WITH DUSTBALL JIM BECAUSE RICHARD THE JERK ADMITTED BEING THE TRUE 9/11 MASTERMIND TO THE KODIAK BEAR ONLY TO BE CALLED A FAGGOT AND HAVE SYRUPY FRENCH TOAST AND CIGARETTE BUTTS CHUCKED AT HIM FOR INTERRUPTING THEIR CRIBBAGE GAME?
GENE HOGLAN AND FRED OTTMAN DRAGGING STEVE MARTIN OUT BEHIND UNION STATION AND BEATING HIM SENSELESS, THEN HITTING HIM WITH THE DOOMSDAY DEVICE FOR NOT PRETENDING TO BE JOHNNY CASH WHILE THEY ATE BURGERS AND DRANK GUINESS IN THOUGHTS OF MARK CANTERBURY'S PIG SINGING WHEREVER I MAY ROAM FOR BOB REMUS' 4TH ANNUAL TALENT SHOW AT RENOB'S OLD APARTMENT?
STU HART BEING SPOTTED WEARING A DECKER SHIRT OUTSIDE A THOROGOOD CONVENTION, A SURPRISING TRANSPIRENCE CONSIDERING KPK QUIT NAMBLA TO GET A JOB AT BUILDING 19 BECAUSE HE HEARD THERE WERE SOME SERIOUS CRIBBAGE GAMES GOING ON IN THE BACK ROOM?
TOM ARAYA SHOOTING EVERY ALASKAN PERSON THAT HAS EVER BEEN MISTAKEN FOR SOMEONE NAMED BOB IN THE LEFT FOOT OUT OF FEELINGS OF RAGE AND DISAPPOINTMENT OVER THE FACT THAT FRANK GOTCH DID NOT LIVE TO SEE THE RISE OF AND MAINSTREAM POPULARITY ACHIEVEMENT OF CHICKEN FRIES?
GREG VALENTINE ILLEGALLY SEASONING A PEPPER STEAK RIVER CARP BURGER BECAUSE AXL ROTTEN IS SICK OF HAVING HIS EBAY ACCOUNT CANCELLED FOR CONTINUOUSLY EMAILING EBAY'S PRESIDENT WITH QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS FUED WITH HAYSTACKS CALHOUN?
HARLEY RACE RELUCTANTLY BEATING UP MACAULIE CAULKIN IN ORDER TO CONFIRM HIS SUSPICIAN THAT ARTHUR MILLER INVENTED THE SHARPSHOOTER?
JOSH TETREAULT ORDERING FRIES AT A KREATOR SHOW BECAUSE CIRITH UNGOL DECLARED WAR ON LARRY ZBYSCO FOR OUTLAWING BURGERS FROM ANY oh my goodness i love anthills!!!!
COWBOY BOB ORTON HAVING MARIA ARRESTED FOR IMPERSONATING YOSEMITTEE SAM BECAUSE THE DOG HE STOLE FROM CALVIN COOLIDGE SUCKS AT FETCHING HIM HIS MORNING PAPER?
CAPTAIN INSANO ROBBING THE EIFFEL TOWER VS. RIP PLAYING INTO THE LUNGS OF HELL ON THE UKELALE?
EL DUCE SEXUALLY HARRASSING A BAG OF BRAN MUFFINS THAT AL CAPONE HAD PURCHASED FOR MOTHER'S DAY AFTER ASKING NAILZ FOR AN EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT AT THE FLORIST WHEN GLEN BENTON AND GEORGE FISHER TRADED OBSTACLE COURSE INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEOS IN ORDER TO SAVE LYNDON B. JOHNSON FROM JOINING THE DECEPTICONS DURING RICHARD DUSZA'S PERFORMANCE OF PEACE SELLS ON THE TUBA FOR FREE TACOS AT AN AMISH-THEMED RE-ENACTMENT OF WRESTLMANIA 9 WHICH CONVINCED VARG VIKERNES TO CONVERT TO JUDIASM AS A TRIBUTE TO LANNY POFFO'S TURTLE RANCH BECAUSE X-PAC SUCKS?
ABDULAH THE BUTCHER PURCHASING A SAVED BY THE BELL T-SHIRT ON EBAY TO CHEER HIMSELF UP AFTER FINDING OUT THAT ROSS THE BOSS WAS NEARLY FIRED FROM MANOWAR AFTER SUGGESTING HIM TO BE IN THE SLIM-JIM COMMERCIALS IF RANDY SAVAGE WAS NOT AVAILABLE?
FLASH FUNK GOING TO CHICKEN POWER FOR A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH BECAUSE FRED OTTMAN ADMITTED TO HAVING RECURRING DREAMS ABOUT FLIPPING HOT DOGS AND HAMBURGERS AT PAPA-GINOS?
JOHN CANDY VS. RICHARD MANN?
MEYERSMANIA RUNNING WILD ON CENTERDALE BECAUSE STORMIN NORMAN DENIED HAVING A HOAGIE WITH BRUNO SAMMARTINO?
WILLIAM MCKINLEY BEING ASSASSINATED ON HIS WAY TO A FRANK GOTCH MATCH BECAUSE LARS ULRICH VOTED AGAINST THE WORLD CRIBBAGE CHAMPIONSHIP BEING HELD AT BUILDING 19?
JOHN CENA THROWING BRICKS, ROCKS AND SMALL ANIMALS THROUGH ALL THE WINDOWS IN JOE PISCOPO'S HOUSE TO SHOW HIS APPRECIATION FOR MEAN GENE OAKERLUND'S ABILITY TO YODEL WHILE JUGGLING POISONIOUS SNAKES?
ARNOLD SKAALAND THROWING YOKOZUNA FROM ATTLEBORO TO DALLAS BECAUSE THERE WAS NEVER ANY SIGN OF THE GOON APPEARING IN ANY OF THE STAR WARS FILMS?
COWBOY BOB ORTON ROLLING UP THE MORNING PAPER AND DECAPITATING TAKA MICHINOKU WITH IT BECAUSE JACK TUNNY NEVER ASKED WUGGSLEY OUT ON A DATE TO GO LOX SAMPLING EVEN THOUGH CORPORAL KIRSCHNER IS NOT CHINESE?
AL YANKOVIC INTRODUCING BILL CLINTON TO GEORGE FISHER AFTER LES CLAYPOOL THREW HIMSELF OUT OF A SECOND STORY WINDOW TO DEMONSTRATE THE DEFINITION OF DEFENISTRATE BECAUSE DICK THE BRUISER WAS 5 MINUTES LATE FOR BREAKFEST AT MCDONALDS AND HAD TO ORDER LUNCH AT THE DRIVE THRU?
JIM CORNETTE PUTTING ON BAGGY PANTS, A THUG SWEATSHIRT AND A DO-RAG AND BLASTING DR. DRE WHILE ENGAGING IN A DRIVE-BY SHOOTING OF 42ND ST. IN NEW YORK CITY OUT OF ANGER OVER THE FACT THAT TULUS DID NOT HEADLINE THE METALFEST THIS YEAR?
GOES TO BLOCKBUSTER TO RENT SWEATIN' TO THE OLDIES EVERY WEEKEND JUST FOR THE MUSIC GOD NEEDS A DUSTY RHODES AUTOGRAPHED OCTOPUS FLAVORED SHOWER HEAD WITH A SHELF LIFE OF 142 DAYS?
BARRY WINDHAM PLAYING HORSESHOES WITH HELL HAMMER BECAUSE JERRY ELLIS HAS NO FEET Oh my god! Happy YOM KIPPUR!!!!
GREGORY HELMS HIDING SKY LOW LOW UNDER HIS SHIRT TO PRESENT THE ILLUSION OF HIM HAVING A BEER GUT SO HE DOESN'T LOOK OUT OF PLACE AT THE THOROGOOD CONVENTION EVEN THOUGH BILLY GUN IS NOT KNOWN FOR APPLE PICKING?
GLASS ONION?
SAVOY TRUFFLE?
LETHAL PENGUIN DISCOURAGEMENT?
A STAINED GLASS CRIBBAGE BOARD FOR THE RELIGIOUS BUILDIGN 19 EMPLOYEE?
THEO EPSTINE ASKING ONION PITTS TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM AT FENWAY PARK BECAUSE MR. FUJI WAS NOT THE DELIVERY MAN WHEN CHRIS BARNES ORDERED CHINESE FROM QUAN'S KITCHEN?
CURT HENNIG SHOWING UP TO THE HIP-HOP AWARDS IN A CRUDELY, SHARPE-DRAWN ASPHYX LOGO COVERED, RIPPED UP, DENIM THRASHVEST TO CONTINUE THE CRUSADE AGAINST RAP MUSIC WHERE GARY LEFT OFF BY DISCOVERING A CATCHY STICKY FINGAZ SONG AND THEN PUNCHING X-PAC IN THE FACE BECAUSE HE SUCKS?
BLACKJACK LANZA?
GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING, GOOD?
KEEPS WAKING UP TO A GAME OF HIDE THE PLUMS WITH RICHARD MANN GOD NEEDS A FRUITFUL ONION STEAK WITH LIGHTLY SEASONED PISS-PEPPER?
MARK HENRY THROWING UP AFTER TRYING A BEER BECAUSE NIGGERFRIES REFUSED TO SHARE A BANANA SPLIT WITH WAYNE FROM SCUMBITCH AFTER HEARING WITH GREAT DISAPPROVAL THAT THE CLASSIC THIRTEEN YEAR OLD HOME DEPOT SMOCK ROCKING DECKER ADDICT TRADED IN HIS ROCKABILLY LUNCH BOX?
COCK FROM BLDG 19 ISSUING FORMAL APOLOGIES TO ALL WORLD TRADE CENTER VICTIMS NOT FOR HIS COMMENT TO BEN GOLDBERG, BUT FOR LOSING A BET WITH PLINEY OVER WHO WOULD WIN A GOLF GAME BETWEEN KERRY KING AND TERRY TAYLOR?
JOHN TENTA CHALLENGING BRUCE PRITCHARD TO A NO HOLDS BARRED, FAST FOOD BRAWL IN A MCDONALDS BATHROOM WITH BIG BILL TAFT AS THE REF BECAUSE KENNY FROM THE SPIRIT SQUAD WAS NOT SACRIFICED AS A MARTYR WHEN DON DECKER CRUSHED PROVINCETOWN, MA WITH HIS BEER GUT?
DENNIS KNIGHT EJECTING BARNEY RUBBLE FROM A GONDOLA BECAUSE MICHAEL JACKSON ACED A MASTURBATOR'S RETRAINING COURSE?
THE BROOKLYN BRAWLER GRUMPILY WATCHING A 34 HOUR DUCKMAN MARATHON AND ORDERING A PIZZA EVERY HOUR, BUT ALWAYS HIDING BEHIND THE COUCH EVERY TIME THE DOORBELL RINGS HOPING IT WILL SOMEHOW CAUSE CURT ANGLE'S HAIR TO GROW BACK?
WAYNE FROM SCUMBITCH CONVINCING VINCE MCMAHON TO BET ALL HIS MONEY ON THE ODDS OF WEDDING FRIES BECOMING PRESIDENT BECAUSE ILL BILL CANCELLED GRIZZLY SMITH'S ASTRONAUT CLASS?
TOM BRANDI PUNCHING OUT SANDRA BULLOCK FOR MAKING OUT WITH PAUL BEARER ON AN EPISODE OF DOUBLE DARE BECAUSE APG IS NOT FROM SUDAN?
BASTION BOOGER STARRING IN A FILM CALLED "THE BOY WHO CRAPPED HIS PANTS IN ANGER" BECAUSE RANDY POFFO USED THE RAY GUN FROM HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS TO SHRINK HIMSELF SO THAT HE COULD HAVE A QUIET GAME OF CROQUET WITH DON DECKER IN POSERBOY'S DAD'S HAT, UNDETECTED?
ROB ZOMBIE SETTING FIRE TO AN ALBINO PRARRIE DOG BECAUSE BULL CURRY DECIDED THAT IT WAS ILLEGAL FOR JIMMY CARTER TO EAT DORITOS IN ARKANSAS?
BUCK ADAMS LAUGHING AT THE FALL OF THE WTC, NOT FOR BEING A CLOSET SAND NIGGER, BUT FOR THE FORSHADOWING OF AN AMUSING ARGUMENT AT BUILDING 19 AND THE FACT THAT RICK DERRINGER DIDN'T COVER FURNAS AND LAFON'S THEME MUSIC FOR A QUARTHON TRIBUTE DVD?
CHAVO GUERRO COMPOSING A 2 DAY, 7 HOUR LONG OPERA ABOUT THE EVOLUTION OF TEH MUSTACHE BECAUSE REPO MAN TRADED THE BUILDING 19 CRIBBAGE CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY TO DUFF MCKAGAN IN EXCHANGE FOR ILLEGAL OWNERSHIP OF MEXICO?
ARVID FROM HEAD OF THE CLASS DEFENISTRATING KEN KENNEDY, OFFENSIVE JOE AND A GIRAFFE INTO LAKE PLACID BECAUSE CHYNA IS NOT FROM CHINA?
COLUMBO ARRESTING BAD NEWS BROWN NOT FOR STEALING KOKO B. WARE'S GIMMICK OF BEING ANTI-MASTURBATION, BUT BECAUSE JOHN DWYER BOUGHT AN EAGLES GREATEST HITS CD TO SATISFY HIS NEED FOR A NIAGRA FALLS BURGER?
R.I.P. JON NODTVEIDT OF DISSECTION?
SHULTZ MEISTERSON AND OTTO VON GOON ORDERING A SPIELBURG STYLE MOOSE BURGER WITH KOBOLD CAKES BECAUSE PISSED OFF 'CAUSE HE MISSED THE ELEVATOR GOD SHIT HIS DRAWERS ON THE WAY TO FAT LIZ'S NAZI CATERING SERVICE?
'REPAIR' RICHARD MANN TEAMING UP WITH JON 'HAWK' KRASNER VS. TOM ARAYA AND ROSEANNE ARNOLD IN AN IDENTITY THEFT/ALIMONY ON A POLE MATCH?
MARK ARM BECOMING A MERLOT CONNISSOUR THEN GETTING DRUNK OFF ICE HOUSE AND ADMITTING TO HAVING STARTED THE GRUNGE ERA COMPLETELY BY ACCIDENT AND WAS ACTUALLY ATTEMPTING TO STARTING A GLAM BAND, BUT SIMPLY HAD MISGUIDED TASTE IN 80'S FASHION AND MUSIC?
A BEWILDERED LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMING "HE WAS THERE ALL THAT TIME" ON THE OPENING NIGHT OF TMNT 2 ONLY TO BE CALLED A WHINNY BUTTFUCKER AND TOLD THE SHUT UP AND BE QUIET BY GROVER CLEVELAND?
LEX LUGER OPENING A CAN OF TUNA WITH HIS TEETH BECAUSE THE NINE VOLUME DOCUMENTARY ON THE EVENTS LEADING UP TO KEVIN KELLY'S INTERVIEW WITH AL SNOW ABOUT THE FORTHCOMING SHOWDOWN BETWEEN ROCKABILLY AND TAKA MICHINOKU ON SHOTGUN SATURDAY NIGHT ERRONEOUSLY FAILED TO COVER THE DYNAMIC EFFECT OF CRIBBAGE IN THE LIVES OF WRESTLERS AND GRINDCORE MUSICIANS WHO HAVE A COLLECTIVE TENDENCY TO EAT NON-NUTRITIOUS FOODS DESPITE THE FACT THAT THEY ARE PHYSICALLY FULL?
IRIS THE CAT PILE DRIVING RICHARD THE JERK INTO THE CONCRETE, THEN TALKING BOBO BRAZIL TO COURT IN THE YEAR 1985 IN A SADISTIC PLOT TO CONVINCE PAUL WIGHT TO STEAL THE FAT SISTER'S CRADLE OF FILTH TICKET IN 1999, SPONSORED BY RICHARD MANN?
ADAM COPELAND SCALING MT. RUSHMORE ONLY TO FIND JERRY BLACKWELL EATING TWO BIG ROASTS AND SLAYING THE OCCASIONAL NIGGER BETWEEN BITES?
KEVIN FEDERLINE, DAVID ARQUETTE, DENNIS RODMAN AND JAY LENO TEAMING UP AGAINST GEORGE GREY, FRED OTTMAN, RAY TRAYLOR AND JOHN TENTA IN AN '88 STYLE FAT VS. FAME THANKSGIVING DAY SURVIVOR SERIES SHOWDOWN?
THE MEMBERS OF DADA GETTING TOGETHER TO WATCH WWF MONDAY NIGHT RAW PRIME CUTS ON VHS NOT FOR BASTION BOOGER NOSTALGIA, BUT IN HONOR OF JIM LAWLER'S VIDEO HEIST IN 1998?
DICK GEPHARDT NEEDS A STONEHENGE BURGER!
GENERAL TRAGG VOWING NEVER TO EAT CORNED BEEF AND CABBAGE AGAIN NOT TO CONVINCE RODDY PIPPER TO STEAL RICHARD DUSZA'S WATER COUNTRY TICKETS, BUT TO FORCE E. HONDA TO GO BACK IN TIME AND START A NATIONWIDE MOVEMENT IN JAPAN TO CONVINCE FRANKLINPIERCE THAT AKEEM IS JEWISH?
CHRIS BARNES THROWING A CHINESE WEDDING NIGGER FROM OUTTER SPACE OUT OF QUAN'S KITCHEN BECAUSE RONALD REGAN DEFEATED AL SNOW IN A "LOSER SETS FIRE TO PARIS HILTON" MATCH?
PAUL MCCARTNEY SIGNING THE BEATLES CATALOG OVER TO FUDGEWORTHY RECORDS SO HIS EX-WIFE WILL HAVE TO ENDURE DON DECKER'S ENSEMBLE OF ASSORTED FAT, FART AND FILTH JOKES IN ORDER TO MAKE A PROFIT FROM THEIR MUSIC?
MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK RECRUITING JAMES K. POLK TO PROTEST A COLLECTIVE SOUL CONCERT, NOT BECAUSE HE FELT IT WAS TOO UNMETAL, BUT BECAUSE WILLIAM REGAL MARCHED THROUGH FRANCE, DRESSED AS NEPOLEON WITH A BROAD SWORD AND VIKING HELMET WHILE LISTENING TO EINHEJER?
ORBOSNACK FOOD INHALERS INC. BUYING OUT SCUMSOFT BECAUSE ASTRO CHICKEN FLIGHT HATS ARE NO LONGER FOUND IN MONOLITH BURGER HAPPY MEALS?
FESTER BLATS LEAVING PHLEEBHUT TO OPEN ANOTHER WORLD O WONDERS TOURIST TRAP SOMEWHERE IN THE MILKY WAY TO GAIN THE TUTELAGE OF A HUMAN KNOWN AS RICHARD MANN?
ANDY ROONEY BEGGING HALF HEAD FOR HIS AUTOGRAPH BECAUSE MEL GIBBSON MADE AN APPEARANCE AT THE BUILDING 19 CRIBBAGE FINALS TO PROVE TO IRIS THAT HE DOES NOT HATE THE JEWS?
REVEREND SHIT FUCK OF CANNIBAL HORSE HAVING A FRIED YACK MEAT SANDWICH DELIVERED TO SHERRY MARTEL'S HOUSE OUT OF SPITE TOWARD THE BIG BOSS MAN NOT ARRESTING CHUCK D AND FLAVOR FLAV ON EVERY ST. PATRICK'S DAY?
STEVE LOMBARDI'S EYEBALLS DILATING WITH SHOCK AT A GEORGE THOROGOOD CONVENTION NOT BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STARVING IN AFRICA, BUT BECAUSE DWAYNE JOHNSON SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE UNCLE ELMER FAN CLUB?
JIMMY CARTER SNEAKING OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE TO ATTEND HOUSE SHOWS IN 1980 NOT TO DRAW INSPIRATION FROM CORPORAL KIRSCHNER AND BOB REMUS BUT TO MAKE SURE HE WOULDN'T MISS THE BLINDFOLD MATCH BETWEEN JAKE ROBERTS AND RICK MARTEL, FORGETTING THAT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN UNTIL A DECADE LATER AND TIME TRAVEL WAS AT THE TIME OFTEN CONFUSED WITH CONFUSED WITH PISS?
BARRRY DARSAW AND APG GOING BEFORE THE SUPREME COURT AND ATTEMPTING TO PASS A BILL THAT WILL RESULT IN JFK'S GRAVE BEING DUG UP AND FLOATED OUT TO SEA AND REPLACE WITH A GEORGE GREY MUSEUM/BAR/WENDY'S?
DUSTIN RUNNELS KIDNAPPING MATILDA NOT TO BRING BACK THE FERVOR OF THE LATE 90'S EUROPEAN TITLE CIRCUIT, BUT TO TEACH DISCO INFERNO A THING OR TWO ABOUT ASS PISS?
JOEY MERCURY CONTEMPLATING DROWNING EVERY CAT OWNED BY THE DADS OF THE GUYS IN EXHORDER BECAUSE HENRY VIII NEVER INVESTED IN A POWERS OF PAIN LUNCHBOX?
PAUL WIGHT GOING BACK IN TIME TO 1941 AND GETTING HIMSELF ELECTED AS PRESIDENT, THEN SELLING HAWAII TO JAPAN, NOT FOR THE SAKE OF AVOIDING THE ATTACK ON PEARL HARBOR, BUT SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CURT HENNIG SPRAYING SHAVING CREAM IN HIS HAIR ON THE PLANE TRIP TO OAHU?
LANNY POFFO INSISTING AT A WWE PRODUCTION MEETING THAT THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA PASSES BY ABBEY ROAD IN ENGLAND, HOPING TO BREAK ADOLF HITLER'S HEART, NOT BECAUSE OF HIS CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY, BUT BECAUSE HE WAS INFRINGING UPON THE COPYWRIGHT LAWS OF CHARLIE CHAPMAN, WHENEVER HITLER WORE A TOP HAT?
RIKISHI PHATU NEEDS A SIX PATTY MOOSE MELT WITH EIGHTEEN STRIPS OF BACON AND AN ANTEATER SNOT SHAKE?
DUSTY RHODES PUTTING ON A SOMBRARRO AND FAKE MUSTACHE, THEN GLUEING 8 PEACOCK FEATHERS TO HIS FACE AND PERFORMING A YODELING, UKALALE VERSION OF SYMPHONY OF DESTRUCTION BECAUSE ADAM MEYERS DID NOT AGREE TO AUTOGRAPH THE MANOWAR LOGO IN THE BACK ROOM OF BUILDING 19 FOR OUT OF SHAPE AL'S IDEA TO WRITE GO ASK ALICE PART 2?
BILL EADIE SENDING AWAY FOR A LABION TERROR BEAST MATING WHISTLE NOT TO ANGER THE GIPPAZOID NOVELTY COMPANY, BUT TO IMPRESS FESTER BLATZ ON SUBSEQUENT TRIPS TO PHLEEBHUT AND POLYSORBATE LX?
EVAN SEINFELD AND JERRY SEINFELD RE-ENACTING THE JAIL HOUSE MATCH BETWEEN THE BIG BOSS MAN AND THE MOUNTIE FROM SUMMERSLAM '91 BECAUSE MERLE ALLIN WAS SLIGHTLY RELUCTANT ABOUT OPENING HISOWN TODD PETINGILL MUSEUM?
BILLY GRAHM COMMENTING ON SYLVESTER STALONE BASHING SETHFRIES' HEAD IN WITH A CROBAR BECAUSE HE FELT THAT JERRY BLACKWELL'S DESIRE TO STAY HOME AND WATCH A MOVIE WHILE EATING A FEW ROASTS WITH A FEW GOOD FRIENDS WAS THREATENED BY A BUNCH OF JEWISH ALIEN FREAKSFROM OUTTER SPACE?
SYLVESTER THE CAT, THE ALLOSAURUS?
DONALD DECKER THE DUCK, QUACK QUACK... FLAP FLAP FLAP, PLOP!
TERRY BOLEA, THE DUCK BILLED PLATYPUS?
BARRY HORROWITZ WITH NO ARMS, THE FUTURE BOB SLEDDING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD?
BOB SAGET EXLAIMING "HENRY GODWIN!" FROM A LEBANESE ROOF TOP AT 5 AM NOT TO WAKE BULL CURRY, BUT TO EXPRESS HIS ANGER WITH M. BISON FOR HIRING A THAI IMPOSTER?
DON KING ASKING KIRK HAMMETT TO GIVE HIM A MULLET TO HELP HIM PROMOTE HIS NEW 80'S THEMED EGG NOG BOXING MATCH FEATURING JOE LOUIS & STU HART VS. BLANKA & SWAMP THING?
GARY HOLT AND PAUL BALOFF WATCHING PIPER'S PIT BECAUSE FRED OTTMAN COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE GEORGE THOROGOOD CONVENTION TO REPRESENT MEYERS MANIA?
TOMMY DREAMER STANDING OVER HERBERT HOOVER'S GRACE AND ASKING HIM TO BANN RICH LIPSCOMB OF FLESHGRIND FROM EVERY GROCERY STORE IN NORTH AMERICA BECAUSE BILLY BOB THORTON FORGOT HOW TO READ DUE TO EATING TOO MANY POTATOES?
LEON WHITE SPRINTING DOWN NEWBURY ST. IN BOSTON WITH A MEATBALL SUB CLENCHED UNDER HIS ARM BECAUSE KING DIAMOND COULDN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELMER FUDD, PORKY PIG AND DUSTY RHODES?
FINLAY'S MIDGIT BODY SLAMMING WENDY RICTER INTO RICHARD MANN'S COLLECTION OF PRENUPS AND DIVORCE DOCUMENTS THEN STEALING HER PURSE BECAUSE SETH PUTNAM HIRED JOHN WILLIAMS AND PETE YORN TO COMPOSE A BOROQUE CHAMBER METAL POLKA DANCE OPERA ABOUT THE EPIC STORY OF KYLE FROM INCANTATION'S MUSTACHE?
ARIGHT!! FROZEN LOGS!!
BLACKJACK LANZA REFUSING TO ADMIT THAT MIKE SHAW AND GEORGE GREY ARE NOT RELATED BECAUSE FRED OTTMAN TRULY KNOWS HOW TO ENJOY A FRIED FISH SANDWICH?
SID PRAISING THE COMEDIC EFFORTS OF BEN STILLER BECAUSE POSERBOY WAS DUPED INTO BELIEVING THAT CELTIC FROST WAS PLAYING AT JAKE'S BAR N' GRILL IN EAST BRIDGEWATER?
ZAKK WYLDE HOLDING A GUN TO TORRIE WILSON'S HEAD AND DEMANDING THAT SHE GROW A MUSTACHE BECAUSE MARK CANTERBURY THREW A POTATO THROUGH A WHITE HOUSE WINDOW STRIKING GEORGE W. IN THE HEAD CAUSING HIM TO FALL FORWARD AND ACCIDENTALLY SIGN A DOCUMENT THAT WOULD MAKE FRED SAVAGE HIS V.P.?
ALEX WEBSTER CARVING A SAVED BY THE BELL LOGO INTO IVAN KOLOF'S CHEST BECAUSE MATT HARDY GOT ARRESTED FOR ATTEMPTING TO SELL GERALD FORD ON EBAY?
ROB CONWAY ATTEMPTING TO FAX AN ELEPHANT OVER TO AL GORE'S OFFICE BECAUSE OZZY OSBOURNE DISCOVERED THAT BETSY ROSS WAS LEGALLY MARRIED TO A PIGEON NAMED TOMATOFIST WHO WON HER HEART BY BECOMING THE FIRST EVER WORLD POKER CHAMPION?
FAST EDDIE CLARK SUING THE STATE OF COLORADO FOR IMPERSONATING THE STATE OF WYOMING BECAUSE JERRY BLACKWELL GETS DEPRESSED EVERY TIME GENE OAKERLUND MAKES REFERENCE TO CHESTER A. ARTHUR'S MUSTACHE?
THE WELL KNOWN FRANK MEADOWS REFUSING TO JOB TO THE MISSING LINK IN A GREMLINS 2 STYLE BOOT CAMP MATCH BECUASE BOB REMUS NEVER GOT TO DEFENISTRATE SERPENTOR?
MEL BLANC BOMBING EL SALVADOR BECAUSE DON DOKKEN PISSED AWAY HIS DOPE MONEY ON JOHN CANDY TRADING CARDS?
CINDY LAUPER CLUCKING LIKE A CHICKEN AT TIME SQUARE BECAUSE YOSEMITTEE SAM WENT ON A VEGETABLE STRIKE UNTIL PAUL HEYMAN'S HAIR GROWS BACK?
ELEN DEGENERES SELLING BAGELS IN TIME SQUARE?
TAFT LISTENING TO KROKUS SING AMERICAN WOMAN ON HIS WAY TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE HE ATE TYRA BANKS, BUT COULDN'T SHIT HER OUT BECAUSE HER FOREHEAD WAS TOO LARGE?
DAN QUALE DENYING HIS REPEATED ATTENDENCE TO VARIOUS KROKUS CONCERTS DURING THE HEADHUNTER TOUR BECAUSE GEORGE BUSH SR. DRUNKENLY MADE FUN OF RANDY ORTON FOR BEING TOO SHORT TO RIDE THE ROLLER COASTERS DURING THE 1990 STATE OF THE WORLD ADDRESS?
JIMMY CARTER FURIOUSLY STORMING OUT OF A 2003 METALLICA CONCERT AND PUNCHNG OUT EVERYONE ON THE STREET SELLING SAUSAGES BECAUSE BOB REMUS ACCIDENTALLY GAVE HIM A 20 YEAR OLD FLYER, LEADING HIM TO BELIEVE THEY WERE OPENING FOR SAXON?
RAY TRAYLOR DISGUISING HIMSELF AS PRESIDENT BUSH, THEN GOING ON TV TO MAKE THREATS TO BOMB THE ENTIRE PLANET INTO A NUCLEAR WINTER UNLESS EVERYONE IN THE WORLD LEARNS AND RECITES THE LYRICS TO "THE FRAYED ENDS OF SANITY" BECAUSE CONGRESS REFUSED TO REPLACE A PORTRAIT OF WOODROW WILSON IN THE WHITE HOUSE WITH A PORTRAIT OF FENRIZ?
MR. KEN KENNEDY GOING THROUGH EVERY GOVT. DOCUMENT, HISTORY BOOK AND WEBSITE AND COMPLETELY REMOVING ANY DOCUMENTATION OR KNOWLEDGE OF THE EXISTENCE OFTHE LIFE OF HARRY TRUMAN FROM AMERICAN HISTORY AND REPLACING IT WITH THE LIFE OF NECRO-BUTCHER TO PROVE THAT A STONED, SATANIC, NORWEIGAN POT HEAD IS MORE LIKELY TO REFUSE TO LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE THAN A FORMER PRESIDENT, BASED ON THE FACT THAT STEVE LOMBARDI IS NOT AN ESKIMO?
GEORGE GREY PRANK CALLING RICHARD SIMMONS AT 3 AM AND PLAYING SLEEPING IN MY PISS OVER THE PHONE NOT BECAUSE HIS LONG LOST TWIN, CLASSIC 80S FAT GUY SHOWED UP ON MYSPACE, BUT BECAUSE SHAD FROM CRYME TYME EXCLAIMED "BOOM!" WHEN HE CAUGHT A LARGE MOUTH BASS WHILE FISHING IN PETE SANDOVAL'S TOILET?
RICHARD MANN PLEDGING HIS LOVE TO JAZZ THEN ABSCONDING A BAG CONTAINING HER LIFE SAVINGS AND PADDLING AWAY DOWN THE INDUS RIVER IN A GETAWAY CANNOE?
UNCLE CLETUS OPENING A PAPERCLIP EMPORIUM TO IMPRESS JAZZ BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO MARRY A MAN WITHOUT HIS OWN MONEY EVER AGAIN?
"Anyone for tennis? Wouldn't that be nice?" -Eric Clapton(circa 1967)
"Tennis Sucks!" - Hulk Hogan(circa 2006)
"Tulus Sucks!" -Ben Goldberg(circa 2004)