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[hatboxmoon]

i worked hard on the bed but didn't get it finished. i got it framed in and framed the slats. when i started attaching the legs i decided i wanted 4x4s instead of 2x4s and also wanted extra brackets for support. so i guess we'll go back to home depot and grab those tomorrow and i can finish it up. i'm so excited! it's 34" high (from the floor to

Comments

[flamesgohigher]

i think you are in a depressive cycle. you might have been more exciting back then, but do you remember how painful it was to get out of bed? the 800 mg of ibuprofen you had to take when you got up in the morning? the lam drama? i do and it is a wonder to me that it took so long for you to burn out. you might not feel exciting but think of it as recharging.

i had to think about it for awhile. i was really hurt (and pissed off) about not seeing you. i mean, i was there, i had made the trip and i had been looking forward to trying to fix something that was so important to me. i felt blown off and that is huge to me.

so, i had to think about it for awhile. now what i think what i should have done, the awesome romantic thing, would have been to just show up. and i almost did. and i should have. and it would have been cool and i know you would have welcomed the baby spike and me in and we would have kicked it all night.

but i didn't. i felt like you owed me something, i needed to feel invited and instead i felt turned down. i think we both have an apathetic neediness right now (but mine is getting better) and so i just went to our hotel (which was a fiasco in itself but that's neither here nor there).

so, i'm sorry. sorry for what, i don't know but i miss you. life is too short to lose a friend like you. i mean, florence is awesome, but if she ever found out how uberliberal/anarchist/queer i am, i think she would never talk to me again, you know? i don't have to act like anything or hide anything to make you like me (at least i don't think so).

i think things could get better if i were more open with you. you are so much more outgoing than me and i get intimidated so i don't always tell you when i need the space, when i disagree. but if we are as good of friends as i thought we were, then i know you will appreciate the honesty from me and to take me seriously.

so there. i'm sorry and i love you.

[hatboxmoon]

i think so too, a depressive cycle. you aren't the first person to be all, "hey, remember how bipolar works. fast and slow. fast and slow."

i know you were upset. i felt hurt because i had a lot going on and was really stressed out, and i felt like you disrespected my time by not being willing to make any kind of concrete plan. i waited for you to call for hours that night, and when you finally did it was late and i had picked up studying. i felt like you expected me to be available to you with no notice whenever you decided you had time to hang out and i felt disrespected.

but also understand why you were upset, and i'm not mad anymore, and basically wasn't after that night. the only reason i didn't get in contact with you is cuz you were pretty clear about needing space, and when people ask for space i try to give it to them no questions asked.

you are important to me. we have different communication styles and we're really different people, but i always feel like our friendship is worth the challange of the "language barrier", so to speak. i'm sorry i'm not being a good friend right now, to anyone. i have let everyone down recently and i feel sorry about it but it's my reality right now.

i'm genuinely sorry i didn't get to hang out with you. i want(ed) to. i miss having adventures with you.

i'm not sure what the next step is. it's hard for me to communicate with anyone right now. my phone is expensive and i hardly ever make calls or take calls to just chat. i do use the computer daily. i know it's not the same.

i invited heather, lorrie and mel to come here for sexy spring, which is june 9, 10 and 11. i intended to invite you from the get go but wanted to give you the space you asked for before i extended the invite. heather is coming for sure it looks like, from the late on the 8th till the 12th, lorrie and mel are maybes. i think i'm going to be getting (a) hotel room(s) (number depending on how many people decide to come). i'll be freeing myself up completely to go to sexy spring (www.sexyspring.org, it's on the u of m campus this year) and hang out with homies.

anyway, if you feel like/can come, it would be awesome. i would love to spend time with you.

j, i love you a lot. i feel like we can figure it out. i feel like i want to say more, but i don't know what right now. but i'm sorry too.