(no subject)
today has offered blow after blow. i am sitting here trying to feel blessed or identify the origin of my terrible mood so i can attempt to remedy it. i'm in a funky place, thick and reletless with no identifiable doors, in or out. i need sleep desperately.
as for you, fuck you. really. i am confused enought to just say uncle after turing your analysis of my life over and over again in my head. clearly you are gutless, as i am harmless and you have no need to be anonymous. my life is, always has been, riddled with adversity, some of my own choosing and some not. your perspective is certainly not original. in the words of ani difranco; "if you think you know what i'm doing wrongyou're gonna have to get in line." and let me assure you that one of the people in front of you in said line is me:
far, far from perfect. far even from good, noble, kind. i am constantly getting into and out of trouble, much of it my own damn fault. i am always trying to learn something new, always falling down, scraping up my metophorical knees, limping to the metphorcal medicine cabinet only to discover i'm out of metaphorical motherfucking bandaids. this is true. but also true is my openness to the abundent blessings poured over me at every turn, and my acknowledgement of and thankfulness for them. even the soundbites of this journal come back over and over again to god, his strong and guiding hands and how indebted exactly i am for the immese beauty i experience everyday.
and my parenting, what of that? my son was brought into this world surrounded by love and warmth, born into a community so great i can not believe the fortune of it. though not perfectly, he has been parented thoughtfully and has never wanted for a basic need. he is diapered in organic cotton and wool, was breastfed for almost 13 months, is offered tablefood 6-8 times a day, and has never had to put up with the chaos of a childcare center, eve though i have worked 50-60 hours a week since he was a month old. his first nanny, lovely jenn, still sits for him once a week because her love for him is too great not to see him at least that often. his current care providers offer more attention and understanding than i could ever have hoped for. by the grace of god i have diecovered a way to earn full-time wages and still stay at home with him every day. our privledge, his and mine, is great for that reason above all others.
that having been said, i will not raise an arrogant, ignorant white son. to give him his every whim would be sorely irresponsible. to introduce to him the concept that he does not derserve something solely because he wants it is intensly important to me, hense phrases such as, "that's an unrealistic expectation to have of me". i am proud of that phrase and many similar parenting actions. my son will be upstanding and compassionate and understand that because of the power given to him automatically because of his gender and race he is required to relinquish some of his desires and comforts in the name of equlity. this is not haphazard parenting, the result of me being incapable of providing to him that which is my responsibility. it is a conscious choice and i believe deeply in it.
to discount any woman's experience with sexual violence is obscene. really, it is inexcuseable. in the community i belong to, one mght realistically be cast out for that behavior. i am notpersonally affected because i know, inside and out, the facts of my life and experiences, and i will not be denied my healing. but many women are not as lucky as i am, and you are their enemy in those words, for some a bigger ememy than their assulters.
i have much more to say to you, i would spit on you but new jersey is too far away. i think little of you and call you a coward, as well as being confused about why you'd spend such an insanely huge ammount of time reading my back journal entries and formulating such a well-thought out, but undoubtably time consuming, inventory of my defects. you realize that this is stalking behaviour, which suggests some kind of disorder for whch you might well seek treatment.
sorry you don't like my poetry. if its quality (or lack thereof) upsets you, pehaps you should abstain from reading it. just a thought.
as for you, fuck you. really. i am confused enought to just say uncle after turing your analysis of my life over and over again in my head. clearly you are gutless, as i am harmless and you have no need to be anonymous. my life is, always has been, riddled with adversity, some of my own choosing and some not. your perspective is certainly not original. in the words of ani difranco; "if you think you know what i'm doing wrongyou're gonna have to get in line." and let me assure you that one of the people in front of you in said line is me:
far, far from perfect. far even from good, noble, kind. i am constantly getting into and out of trouble, much of it my own damn fault. i am always trying to learn something new, always falling down, scraping up my metophorical knees, limping to the metphorcal medicine cabinet only to discover i'm out of metaphorical motherfucking bandaids. this is true. but also true is my openness to the abundent blessings poured over me at every turn, and my acknowledgement of and thankfulness for them. even the soundbites of this journal come back over and over again to god, his strong and guiding hands and how indebted exactly i am for the immese beauty i experience everyday.
and my parenting, what of that? my son was brought into this world surrounded by love and warmth, born into a community so great i can not believe the fortune of it. though not perfectly, he has been parented thoughtfully and has never wanted for a basic need. he is diapered in organic cotton and wool, was breastfed for almost 13 months, is offered tablefood 6-8 times a day, and has never had to put up with the chaos of a childcare center, eve though i have worked 50-60 hours a week since he was a month old. his first nanny, lovely jenn, still sits for him once a week because her love for him is too great not to see him at least that often. his current care providers offer more attention and understanding than i could ever have hoped for. by the grace of god i have diecovered a way to earn full-time wages and still stay at home with him every day. our privledge, his and mine, is great for that reason above all others.
that having been said, i will not raise an arrogant, ignorant white son. to give him his every whim would be sorely irresponsible. to introduce to him the concept that he does not derserve something solely because he wants it is intensly important to me, hense phrases such as, "that's an unrealistic expectation to have of me". i am proud of that phrase and many similar parenting actions. my son will be upstanding and compassionate and understand that because of the power given to him automatically because of his gender and race he is required to relinquish some of his desires and comforts in the name of equlity. this is not haphazard parenting, the result of me being incapable of providing to him that which is my responsibility. it is a conscious choice and i believe deeply in it.
to discount any woman's experience with sexual violence is obscene. really, it is inexcuseable. in the community i belong to, one mght realistically be cast out for that behavior. i am notpersonally affected because i know, inside and out, the facts of my life and experiences, and i will not be denied my healing. but many women are not as lucky as i am, and you are their enemy in those words, for some a bigger ememy than their assulters.
i have much more to say to you, i would spit on you but new jersey is too far away. i think little of you and call you a coward, as well as being confused about why you'd spend such an insanely huge ammount of time reading my back journal entries and formulating such a well-thought out, but undoubtably time consuming, inventory of my defects. you realize that this is stalking behaviour, which suggests some kind of disorder for whch you might well seek treatment.
sorry you don't like my poetry. if its quality (or lack thereof) upsets you, pehaps you should abstain from reading it. just a thought.