Fate of an ANBU: 29, Epilogue!

[hatakeuminos]

Chapter 29

The very thought of putting that mask on and going back out there frightened Kakashi in ways he didn't understand. Hound was dead. He could not become Hound again- not after everything he'd gone through to see him die and deal with what he'd done.

It wasn't a fucking choice. Didn't Lion get that by now? What he liked to say was that he chose to quit ANBU, and it was true, if given an option, he wouldn't go back- but there wasn't an option. If he'd wanted to come back, he would have been forced out, because Hound was gone. The soulless killer, emotionless monster of an ANBU soldier wasn't in him anymore.

What could they want him for?

And would he be able to say no?

I can't do this. I won't do this. I can't, I won't, I can't...

Please. I don't want this.

Kakashi slid silently into the headquarters he hadn't entered in almost half a year. He rubbed his face self-consciously, not missing the weight of the porcelain mask but feeling bare here without it. The headquarters were oddly deserted, even at this time of night- as if an any ANBU worked regular hours- but there were only a few masked operatives wandering the halls today. He didn't recognize any of them.

I've been gone longer than I thought...

He traversed the familiar hallways as if he had never left, turning and burrowing deeper into the base until he reached the distinctive set of seemingly unguarded doors, knowing full well that a squad of four soldiers were genjutsu'd into the wall and shadows around him. He almost forwent protocol and strode straight in, then remembered- he was no longer ANBU. For a non-ANBU to just walk into the commander's office was asking for death.

"Hatake Kakashi," he announced, clearing his throat. "I was summoned."

"Stop screwing around and get in here," one horribly familiar voice called before any of the guards could offer a more formal, polite response, and, holding back a shudder, he did as Lion asked.

The room hadn't changed much. Still overly cluttered, still oppressive, still dark and unwelcoming. Lion wasn't much different, either- same mask, same nondescript black cloak, short, dirty blond hair. Kakashi wondered how different he looked, if at all, then decided probably not. ANBU soldiers were ninja frozen in time, neither growing or strengthening in anything but jutsu and fighting, like a weapon being sharpened rather than a person becoming older. And he may not belong to them anymore, but...

Well, the saying around here was, once an ANBU, always an ANBU.

Something that seemed particularly clear now.

"I quit, Lion-sama," he began abruptly. "I'd imagine you've already given my name and mask to a new rookie. I don't do ANBU work anymore."

"You still do what your superiors order you to, and I'm still your superior, whether you're an ANBU or not. And quit your bellyaching. I do happen to have a reason for calling you in here, and it wasn't to chat."

"Oh. Really," he deadpanned. "And what reason would that be? An ANBU mission, perhaps?"

"Yes. Don't act like you're so clever for figuring it out, because it's really fucking obvious." Lion tossed a file at him, and Kakashi glared at it for only a moment before opening it up to read while the man continued. "Memorize with your Sharingan; there's no time. One of our teams in the field sent back word that pre-mission intel was wrong, and the scroll they were meant to get disintegrates if anyone attempts to touch it that isn't a Taki nin- even trying to seal it won't work. We need you to look at it and tell us the contents later."

Kakashi glanced through the information he'd been handed in the few moments in took Lion to explain before handing it back. "No. There are other ways to do this. Find somebody else. A Yamanaka could-"

"Kakashi!" Lion rose to slam his hands down his desk, gesturing down at the scroll furiously. "There isn't time for this! I already considered other options! But seeing as I don't trust the Uchiha, not as far as I can throw them, and anyone else strong enough to infiltrate the base without trouble is already out in the field, you are all that's left. And the Kakashi I know wouldn't refuse a suicide mission, never mind something like this. What's gotten into you? You're still a shinobi, even if you're not in my forces anymore!"

"The Kakashi you knew was Hound!" Kakashi's voice rose as well, turning dark and angry with the weight of emotions he could not identify. "I'm not him anymore!"

"I'm not assigning this mission to Hound! I'm assigning it to you. You know, the man who is one of the youngest jounins in Konoha's history. Youngest to ever make chuunin. The shinobi you were before you turned up on our doorstep. What, is he dead too? You can't have it both ways. Either you're Hound, or you're Kakashi- either way, you still have a responsibility and duty to Konoha. If you refuse, that squad out there will take a dozen unnecessary risks and probably wind up hurt. You want that on your conscience? Stop being a damn coward and go!"

When put like that, Kakashi really didn't have a choice.

Not that he ever had in the first place.

The ANBU squad he needed to meet up with were a day and a half away, at the very least, which gave Kakashi a lot of time to think.

He had never refused a mission before. Not even, as Lion had reminded him, suicide missions. Not the most gruesome assassinations, the most horrid matters in the darkest corners of the nation, not solo attempts to take out an entire village- never before had Kakashi said no.

And what was so bad about this mission? No walks through hell, no death-defying odds, no innocent children or civilians to kill- just a scroll to retrieve. All he had to do was look at it and walk away. Kakashi had been taking missions more traumatic since he was five. Lion was right; what exactly had he been complaining about?

But there was no denying the cold knot of fear in his chest, the ball of anxiety, the trembling of his muscles and the frantic beating of his heart as he jumped from tree to tree in the night.

And just as Kakashi had never refused a mission before, he had also never been afraid before them.

It was a foreign feeling, and altogether unpleasant. Fear was not something an ex-ANBU captain was used to experiencing. They didn't face many enemies worthy to be afraid of, and, even as cautious Kakashi was about over-estimating his skills, it was hard to fear most of the enemy ninja who fell like babies before the Sharingan and Chidori he'd been thrown up against.

So why was he afraid now? Why did he not want to go out there?

Why was he suddenly now afraid of everything he had done his entire life?

What's changed?

Me.

I've changed.

It wasn't all that hard to understand why he'd never been afraid before missions in the past, even the very worst of them. It wasn't as if he'd gone out with intents to not come back, but, well- if he had managed to get himself killed, at least it would all be over. Which meant that now, that had to be different.

And it all came back to Iruka.

Iruka had given him a reason to live besides service to Konoha. He'd shown him how to be both a shinobi and a person, that it wasn't impossible to both fight and live.

Now he had something to lose if he was killed.

Kakashi thought back to Iruka's alcohol-induced kiss in the bar. It had been clumsy, reeked of cheap sake, he'd been taken totally by surprise- and he'd never experienced anything like it before. Kakashi had never been kissed before, if you didn't count the cold gestures exchanged on seduction missions, when it felt more like a jutsu than an act of passion, and he didn't. He'd never imagined something could feel like... that... and also, somehow, so, so good. He didn't fully understand it, because Iruka had been half unconscious already, and had smelled awful, and his mask had been on, but- he'd liked it.

Commitment was a scary thing. This- this whatever he had with Iruka was truly frightening. He knew how it could end up, he knew it could leave him more broken than he was now, and that he should just run away from it now, but-

He didn't want to.

If Iruka had taught him anything at all, it was that he was sick of just existing, not really living at all, wasting and fading away into the darkness as he systematically sold ever part of himself for a peace and safety that he would not enjoy. He wanted to live. He wanted to stop coming back to an empty apartment, dressing his wounds in the dark and going to sleep alone. He wanted to stop fighting for a village when the only reason he did so was because that was what his sensei, dead and buried for ten years, would've wanted. He wanted to have his own Izumo and Kotetsu, people who cared about him and would miss him if he died, who would notice if he didn't come home, who would attend his funeral and cry and mourn and grieve, not just an empty service with the obligatory announcement by the Hokage.

He was sick of being alone.

Except he wasn't alone now, was he?

Kakashi didn't stop all thinking his entire journey through Fire Country. Not even when he crossed the border did his thoughts stray towards his actual mission instead of the situation with Iruka. Even the invigorating feel of the wind on his face, blowing through his hair, the familiar smell of the forest after so long a period of inactivity, could not distract his thoughts.

He also had plans to continue thinking about Iruka, and none of this mission nonsense, until he reached the location of the ANBU squad he was supposed to rendezvous with.

Then all such plans were banished.

Two, he didn't recognize, and decided they were probably rookies. One, he remembered vaguely, had previously been a member of Itachi's team.

And the fourth...

Kakashi stood numbly as the ANBU squad all turned to face him, their captain at its head. He froze as well, apparently not expecting just who Lion had sent as their backup, then gave a stiff nod and folded his arms across his chest. "Kakashi."

"Sparrow. ...-taichou." He added the suffix with a slight smile, and a possibly teasing, possibly sincere, salute, for good measure. "It's nice to see you again."

A moment passed in silence, Genma's team waiting for orders to be given, while Genma himself seemed too stunned into silence to say a word. Finally, he turned his head to the side, purposefully avoiding eye contact, and gestured over his shoulder at the base they'd been observing. "You're late, as usual, so we're going to have to wait until nightfall to take action. You've got a few hours to kill until then. I'm going on watch. Whale, stay with Kakashi; Hound, Firefly, keep perimeter."

Kakashi quirked an eyebrow at the rookie Genma had addressed as Hound. So, I was right. They already gave my codename away. And to Genma's rookie, no less. Interesting.

The rookie paid no attention to the glance and just followed orders, as did the other two members of the team, and Genma especially seemed in a particular hurry to get out of here. Kakashi frowned at his quick departure, looking after him as he disappeared into the trees, then sighed.

Tenzou had contacted him. Gai had contacted him. Genma hadn't.

And six months of silence, he figured, was long enough.

Raidou's warning flashed briefly through his head, and he discounted it without a second thought. He hadn't sought out Genma, they'd just met by pure chance. And, besides, Kakashi wasn't one to be intimidated, and he wasn't going tolerate what seemed to be Genma's idea of a reunion between teammates on this mission- a quick hello, then a forced separation. If Genma didn't want to talk to him- well, he didn't much care.

Kakashi took a few steps to follow after Genma, but once it was clear that was his intention, Whale tried to stop him. "Kakashi, wait. Sparrow said-"

"For you to stay with me. That was it. Said nothing about me going anywhere. If you want to tag along, then do, but I'm going either way."

Whale was the member of what was once Itachi's team, and, thus, knew Kakashi's history in ANBU. Kakashi didn't know if that was why he gave up or not, but the man didn't say another word, just following along silently as he went after Genma.

He wasn't doing anything to disguise his approach, so Genma could hear him coming a mile away, and was ready when Kakashi finally got within eyesight of him. The man was facing away from him, arms crossed, back stiff, entire frame taut with tension. He didn't react when Kakashi dropped down onto the branch behind him, neither turning to face him or ordering him away. He spoke swiftly, in annoyance, voice conveying just how much he wanted to avoid this encounter.

"I'm working, Kakashi. That means I'm busy. If you have something to say to me, then it can wait until after the mission."

"Not if you pull your disappearing act again. ...If you're angry with me, then just come out and say it."

Whale, thankfully, stayed far enough in the background that the conversation might as well have been private. Genma shifted slightly at his words, turning to look at Kakashi over his shoulder. "Angry with you? No. Why would I be angry at you? You haven't done anything except keep your distance. ...Until now," he added pointedly, but Kakashi chose to ignore the hidden suggestion.

"Well, I don't know, Genma. But since you've been avoiding me like the plague, that was my only guess. Apparently, I was wrong. Care to fill me in?"

The other man shifted uneasily, moving to lean back against a tree and intertwine his fingers behind his head. It was the very picture of nonchalance, which was Genma's chosen facade when he was unsettled, and Kakashi moved closer, trying to get an answer out of him. "Genma?"

"...Look, Raidou told you everything. You don't need to hear it from my-"

"He told me nothing and you know it. I want to hear from you why you're refusing to have anything to do with me. Not just me- Tenzou, as well; why did you request to not be made his captain? He didn't do anything except follow orders. My orders. I was the one who put you in that camp. I was the one that killed Taiyo. If you want to be mad at someone-"

"I'm not mad at you, dumb shit!"

Kakashi merely narrowed his eye at the outburst. Bringing Genma to an emotional snap had never been difficult, and it certainly did not bespeak of progress. "Certainly sounds like you are."

Genma let out an exasperated groan and jerked a hand through his hair roughly, turning away. "I'm mad at you now because you're being an idiot," he clarified, obviously annoyed. "But that's not why- ...I don't care that you're technically the reason I was ever on that mission in the first place, or that you're the one who killed Taiyo. That's all entirely irrelevant. I was never mad at you in the first place. I thought I told Raidou to tell you that."

"Maa, actions speak louder than words..."

"Gah!" Genma shook his head angrily, and Kakashi got the distinction impression that if he could see Genma's eyes, then he would see the other man rolling them. "You insufferable idiot. Just- just stop being annoying or dense for once and- I wasn't ever mad at you! I was-"

"Then why were you avoiding me?!"

"Because!" he snapped, turning his head back to look at him for a moment before averting his gaze yet again. "Because I- well. Why do you think?! I- I almost-..." Genma shook his head again and crossed his arms gruffly, lowering his gaze to stare miserably at the ground. "...The last time I saw you... I was fighting Sasori, and you- Taiyo was about to... kill you. ...And I didn't do anything to stop him."

Actually, you tried to help Taiyo.

Kakashi stiffened at the memory, recalling the horrible realization that his own teammate was trying to help the enemy, the cold feeling in the pit of his stomach when he realized that his downfall would be, not Taiyo, but Genma.

But he'd talked Genma out of it, right? It had only been a split second reaction, borne out of months of working with those missing nin and not his ANBU squad, and all Kakashi had had to do was call his name to stop him. Genma had been fighting against Sasori, not with him- he'd been fighting for Konoha that night. Not the missing nin.

"Genma..."

The other man let out another gruff sigh. "Save it. I don't need to hear your yada yada, put your teammates above the mission, blah blah- I don't need to hear that. Everything was contradicting that night, and I could hardly even tell who's side I was on, never mind who I was supposed to be protecting. I don't need to hear-"

"I wasn't going to say that."

"Right." Genma pushed his mask to the side so he could look at Kakashi out of the corner of his eye. His expression was everything but illuminating, and most of Kakashi's experience with him was when his face was covered, so that hardly helped in reading him now. "You quote that in every situation, even the ones where it doesn't apply. Like Gai and his nonsensical rants about youth. I'm sure you would've kicked me off your squad if you hadn't quit-"

"Genma!"

"-and I don't need to hear it from you, Kakashi. I also don't need you rubbing it in that I went against everything you ever taught us about being in ANBU; self-righteous bastard, I know I made mistakes, you-"

"Genma!"

"What?!"

It was Kakashi's turn to glare. He met the senbon-user's gaze unflinchingly and almost wanted to uncover his Sharingan for a more intimidating look, but settled for simply glowering instead. "If you would be quiet for one second and stop making baseless assumptions, you would know that I was never going to say any of that. I wasn't mad at you for that; I was never mad at you in the first place. Which you would've known if you hadn't sent Raidou along instead of explaining yourself in person, which is why this whole nonsense started in the first place-"

"He explained everything you needed to know!"

"All he said was that you didn't want to see or speak to any one of us! That's nothing, Genma! You had us worried and you were off, stewing in self pity-"

"Yeah!" Genma spat. "Like I was going to involve any of you in my problems. You were hardly in any condition to deal with anything but your own screwed up head, Gai's loyal to you and we both know it; if he found out that I- I almost chose Taiyo over you... he'd kill me. And Tenzou? The rookie?"

Kakashi's gaze hardened. "Tenzou was with us for two years before we disbanded. He's hardly a rookie anymore, Genma-"

"You know what I mean. He's never had any... breaks. Or even near breaks, like the rest of us. He's still young."

"I was younger than he is now when I became captain," Kakashi pointed out. "Age doesn't have anything to do with it."

Genma rolled his eyes again. "Look, what was I supposed to do, Kakashi? Go explain to someone who doesn't have any experience at all with... that kind of work what I did? Tell Gai and have him chop my head off? Apologize to you when you were just lucky to have gotten home alive and sane? Tch!" The senbon user huffed unhappily, as if he were aggravated by this whole discussion, and shifted to look at Kakashi again. "It's been months, anyway, Kakashi. Why are you bringing this up now?"

Kakashi was starting to get rather annoyed himself by the idea that this whole nonsense could've been just a misunderstanding. "Well, let's see," he began, explaining the matter like he would to a small child, "six months of silence, four years of working together. Hmm... yes, I'm just petty and short-sighted enough to let you have your way and let you continue the silent treatment indefinitely." Kakashi rolled his eye. "...Honestly, Genma. If that's what this was all about- ...I never was looking for an apology, or anything like that. You- ...we're getting nowhere with this." With a loud sigh, Kakashi let himself flop down next to Genma and gestured to the other man to do the same, resting a hand on the back of his head and crossing his ankles. "Come on. Sit down, will you."

Genma paused, then silently followed his example, albeit stiffly and a little uncomfortably. He sat straight against the trunk while Kakashi lounged against his, the two opposites of each other, one bored and nonchalant, the other appearing formal and firmly upset. Kakashi blinked up at the sky in the picture of boredom while Genma stared uncomfortably at the ground, and the moments dragged on in silence until Kakashi had to speak up to bring things along, because they were getting nowhere.

"Genma, no one but myself even knows what happened that night... with you and Taiyo, I mean. No one else saw, and I never had to submit a report- it's just you and whoever you told. And I was never angry at you for that. What happened, happened, and you had good reason for it. The only time I've been mad at you since then is when I found out you weren't speaking to Tenzou or Gai, either, and had asked Tenzou not be put on your squad- I thought you were angry with all of us for putting you in that situation, when it was really my fault entirely."

"Che. I'm not an idiot, Kakashi, I know they had nothing to do with it. Hell, it wasn't really your fault either; we all knew what we were signing up for- our responsibility was to do whatever was best for the village, and screw how it would affect anybody else."

"...Maa, when you put it like that, it just sounds harsh."

Genma answered that with an exaggerated roll of his eyes and continued on. "Anyway. That wasn't what- ...it's just-" He let out a frustrated sigh. "Kakashi, when we were told that you had- why you weren't returning... I thought it had something to do with me. That I was the reason you had... broken." He glanced at Kakashi hesitantly out of the corner of his eye, responding to his stricken expression with a defensive one. "Well! What other reason was there?!"

"..." Kakashi swallowed thickly and looked away. His team really hadn't been told anything, had they? He had to be grateful Gai hadn't thought to ask, and Tenzou had had the tact not to, because explaining this more than once wouldn't have been enjoyable. Hell, even explaining it once wouldn't be enjoyable.

But Genma deserved to know, because he, more than anyone else, had suffered on that mission.

"...I was the one who was sent to kill the civilians. There was one girl, about five or six, and-..."

Genma's open stare told him that was all he needed to say, which was good, because he hadn't been about to say anything more. He was never going to tell anybody the parallels between that nameless child and Rin, except maybe Iruka, and maybe not even him. That could be reserved to his own twisted conscience to deal with, or to let fester until it drove him mad, either way, but it was not coming out now.

An odd flurry of emotions flickered across Genma's face in the space of just a few seconds, from horror to an almost out of place fantastic relief. It looked as if a heavy weight had been lifted off his shoulders, a terrible guilt being absolved, and Kakashi was left in the dark until he finally realized.

Genma must have thought HE was the reason that I broke. For all this time...

Ignoring the painful knot in his stomach that said he should have tried to contact Genma earlier, Kakashi let out a loud, purposefully nonchalant sigh, and managed a one-eyed grin. "It's all in the past now, right? Doesn't matter anymore." Please, just let it drop. I don't blame you and apparently, you don't blame me, so just forget about it and stop beating yourself up.

But Genma was looking at the ground oddly, now, strangely dark and contemplative, thoughts clearly still on the subject. Kakashi watched him until the other slowly raised his head again, and when he spoke, his voice was soft.

"Her name was Sora."

Kakashi stared.

"The one you mentioned. Her name was Sora."

Sora...

Knowing her name didn't make him feel any better.

But... at least, now, I have a name to apologize to, instead of just the fuzzy version of the younger Rin that I remember.

I am sorry... Sora.

"So," Genma coughed, interrupting his thoughts in a clear attempt to change the subject, and a welcome one, at that. "I heard you've been staying with some guy named, uh... Iruka-sensei, I think, this whole time. ...How'd that happen?"

Kakashi let out one tired chuckle. He'd almost forgotten that Genma, like Gai, had had no idea about his... whatever with Iruka, because it certainly hadn't been a normal fix relationship. "Ah, we met, stuff developed," he murmured evasively, rather enjoying the frustrated eye roll his reply garnered him.

But his pleasure was short-lived, and his thoughts were almost immediately yanked back to the issue that he had left behind in Konoha.

Iruka wants... something more.

That kiss. That- everything. Iruka...

Kakashi glanced uneasily at Genma out of the corner of his eye. He and Raidou were together, and had been so for a while- perhaps he could offer advice, because Kakashi was sincerely and totally lost. He didn't want to lose what he had with Iruka, but- what if something more was even better?

But it was too hard a decision to make. If he said yes, he could get everything he'd ever wanted, but then lose it in the blink of an eye- if he said no and let things stay as they were now... well, maybe he wouldn't find that elusive, impossible to understand concept of love, but he could still have Iruka as a friend, and then, at least, if something happened, Kakashi wouldn't know what it was like to have everything and then nothing at all.

Kakashi coughed uncomfortably. "Ah, Genma... actually... I have a question about that. Iruka. ...Before I left for this mission, Iruka, he- ...he kissed me."

Genma wolf whistled, and Kakashi groaned. Of course.

"Ooh," he needled, turning to face him with a perverse grin. "Is Mr. Celibate finally getting some? Tell me, tell me- is he-"

"Shut up," Kakashi muttered. "And I am not-"

"I knew you couldn't get that kind of a reputation without being a player-"

"Will you be serious?! I don't know how I got the rep as Konoha's resident god in bed, but that has nothing to do with this! Iruka was drunk out of his mind, barely coherent, and he just- we're not involved. That's the problem, really. ...Iruka wants to be."

Genma's thrilled-to-be-annoying expression shifted into something more contemplative and curious. "And, what- you don't?"

Kakashi shook his head. "No, I... I don't know what I want. Iruka's a wonderful friend, but- something more? ...I've never had something more."

"What'd you say to him after he kissed you?"

He shook his head again. "Nothing. He passed out. That was last night- I had to leave before he woke up. Which is probably a good thing, because I honestly had no idea what I was supposed to say."

Genma shrugged back. The other man shifted to face him fully and crossed his legs, propping his chin up on his hand, still appearing uncertain. He stayed silent for a few moments, then met his eye and asked, "He was your fix, right? Before you quit?" At Kakashi's slow nod, the other man smiled back and nodded himself. "Ah. ...Okay. I'll give you your advice. But you owe me for this. ...That was Raidou and I, originally. We were each others fixes long before we were together."

Kakashi's eye widened in surprise. He'd known Genma for years, but never without Raidou. This had to have been back when Genma had first joined ANBU, before he'd earned a reputation as the guy with the senbon. He nodded for Genma to continue on, listening intently.

"We were- uh. Well. ...Used each other for sex." Genma did his best to appear unabashed and grinned, but it was an uncomfortable moment. "It wasn't that uncommon, really... you know that. We just found each other and off we went." He shrugged self-explanatorily, then fell into another silence, looking away into Kakashi interceded again.

"Please tell me that's not the end of the story."

Genma rolled his eyes. "No, we didn't get to the happily ever after yet. Stop being impatient. ...That was back when I was a rookie. Raidou was a little older than me and had been in ANBU longer than I had; he kind of showed me the ropes. Even taught me my seduction lessons, and you know how well those always turn out. But everything was fine... I don't really know why things started to change. Didn't back then, and still don't now. But... the next thing I knew, Rai was taking a liking to a new ANBU rookie, and I was... jealous. Rai had used other people before, we weren't exactly in a monogamous relationship, or a monogamous anything, and I had never cared, but then all I could think about was him and the new guy doing what we had used to." He shrugged again, and Kakashi could only smile at the picture of a jealous Genma. He'd seen it before, and it wasn't pretty.

"...Once I saw them going off together, and I just lost it. Went off on the rookie and screamed at Raidou, just what the hell did he think he was doing, and by the time I'd realized I was being a complete, unjustified ass, it was a bit too late. The rookie was scared permanently off from Raidou- and probably ANBU sex ever again- and Raidou was, well, heh, furious. He's pretty hard to get angry, but me yelling at him like I owned him did the trick."

So, it was the same situation, really. Same loss of inhibitions and a general outpouring of emotion, even if Iruka's was based off liquid courage and Genma's off of raging jealousy. And Kakashi already knew how this story ended, but how it got to that point, he was still interested- because now, this was exactly where he and Iruka were.

And he was undoubtedly the one meant to make the next move.

"So?" he asked, trying not to sound too eager or urgent. "What then? What did Raidou do?" Just what am I supposed to do?

Genma chuckled ruefully. "What do you think? He's not one to let anybody boss him around. He told me we weren't exclusive and I needed to get over myself. ...When I finally figured it out, that I was jealous because I wanted him all to myself, I decided to track him down. ...It ended up being more complicated than me using my Genma charm to woo him over, but let's just stick with that, shall we? Anyway, you know what happened next. Five years and a not so happily ever after later, here we are. ...Look, Kakashi, our situations aren't the same, no matter what you're probably thinking. The players themselves are different. If Raidou hadn't felt the same way about me, then he wouldn't have agreed to more. You can't just find the answer to this in examples from other people's lives." He shrugged slightly and glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. "You're only question is whether or not you can see yourself feeling like Iruka does someday. And only you can answer that."

Huh... just like Sensei said.

...This sucks. I'm a fucking genius, and the most important question is the only one I've never been able to answer. Why can't this question be about jutsu or kunai?

Kakashi sighed.

What was his answer?

I feel differently about him. That much is obvious. Before my last mission, I was never afraid like this to go out. Iruka and I were friends back then and I wasn't scared of going out and not coming back. Now, I am. Why? The answer is more than Iruka.

He felt differently about Iruka. But how? Kakashi had never wanted something more than friendship with anybody. How was he supposed to know how it felt?

And was the leap of faith worth risking, if he did want that something more with Iruka? He still didn't know that, either.

Stop over-complicating it. The first question you have to answer is if you want something more. Deal with everything else after you've answered that.

Kakashi sighed again.

Iruka meant more to him now than he did before that mission. That couldn't be disputed. And since they were already friends before that mission, then he had to be more than friends with him now.

What was more than friends?

Well, that one was pretty obvious.

But was more than friends worth the risk it came with?

...I'm already broken inside. What risk?

Exactly it, he supposed. The reason he was on the fence about this was because he was afraid of what would happen if it turned out the way everything else had, and Iruka died and left him alone, again. But what, really, was there to be afraid of? If Iruka dying was the straw that broke the camel's back (and there was no if about it), then so what? So what if he gave up entirely and retired back to the ANBU if they would take him, the higher jounin ranks if they wouldn't, serving as a tool until he died? No matter what path he choose, Iruka was still all he had. If Iruka died, then that was it. He didn't have anything else.

If it could end in disaster either way, then why not stop playing it safe and jump right in?

Sharing his conclusion with Genma, though, earned him a less than desirable reaction.

The senbon user let out a long, amused sigh and pushed himself to his feet, turning to head back to camp. "Maa... you're hopeless, Kakashi." he drawled, leaving Kakashi sitting and staring up at him blankly. "From what you've told me of this guy, that's not what he wants you to say. He doesn't you want to place all your bets on him, and if it doesn't work out, give up and go back to the way things were before."

"..."

Genma groaned at his silence. "Tch," he muttered, shaking his head again. "Let me put it this way. He doesn't want you to be happy with him. He wants you to be happy with or without him. Surely, he's at least taught you how to do that much?"

Genma didn't wait for a reply, making his way back to the camp and leaving him alone with his thoughts and that final question. Kakashi continued to stare after him, the words ringing in his head- the realization that Genma was, in fact, right, undeniable.

Iruka had taught him how to do that much.

He wasn't just an ANBU anymore, and whether or not Iruka was with him didn't change that. Iruka had taught him how to be more than a tool, and that wasn't something he would forget just because he was no longer with Iruka.

And that he had finally, truly learned this, understood it, lived it- that was the most surprising of all.

Epilogue

Kakashi was gone for four days, and by the last one, Iruka was so worried he almost couldn't go into work.

He wasn't ready for missions, he kept thinking desperately, he had only just gotten back from that last one, what were they thinking, letting him go out there again- and how could I push him to it? How could I be so STUPID?

...Okay, so, maybe it had actually been a couple of months since Kakashi's last mission, and he was probably in the best physical condition of his life- Iruka had never seen him looking as healthy and rested as he had these past several weeks- but... mentally... well, maybe it had been longer than Iruka could count since he'd actually worried about Kakashi's mental state- but that didn't mean he was well enough for a mission!

Or, maybe Kakashi was perfectly fine to go out on mission work, and Iruka was just worried about nothing.

Which was most likely.

But I'm still the reason he's out there in the first place! If it weren't for me, he wouldn't have asked for a mission!

When Kakashi got back, Iruka would firstly, apologize, and then, secondly, swear that it had all been a drunken mistake and that he felt absolutely nothing for him (as if mere words could salvage the situation), and then, he was going to beat the man silly for thinking running away was the best option and tell him if he ever took a mission to get time to think about something again, he could just find somebody else's couch to sleep on.

"Baka!" he muttered aloud, jamming the key into his door with a frustrated slam. Stupid... overconfident... egotistical... moronic... baka!

I am going to kill that-

"Iruka."

Iruka gasped.

Of course. He'd been so preoccupied with what to do with Kakashi when he got home, now that he was, he was frozen mute and stupid.

The jounin had been waiting for him, standing silently in his living room with his arms crossed and mask, surprisingly, down. After all the worrying he'd done, to see him standing there right as rain was a bit of an annoyance, and Iruka found himself looking anxiously over him for signs that he might not be well. But he appeared absolutely fine- even his uniform was in perfect condition, with the only exception being a small grass stain on his upper right arm. He searched Kakashi's face for signs of exhaustion but found nothing except for an anxiety akin to his own, teeth gnawing into his lip and uncovered eye narrow and worried.

"Ka- Kakashi," he stammered. "...You're back."

Kakashi nodded shortly and didn't say anything else, leaving Iruka fumbling for something to say. Apologies, reprimands, threats, they all fled from his mind the moment Kakashi was actually standing in front of him, leaving him standing and blinking stupidly like some kind of Iruka shell. He opened his mouth, then shut it again and swallowed, staring expectantly at Kakashi, because it looked like he had something to say.

The jounin paused, then took a deep breath, visibly steeling himself, then met Iruka's eye and moved forward until they were so close it took all of Iruka's self control not to turn and run.

He's going to say he hates you. What kind of an idiot just off and gives a drunken kissing confession to their best friend like that. Stupid, stupid Iruka. Stupid, stupid, stupid...

"About... what happened before." Kakashi coughed uncomfortably and scratched the back of his head. "About that. I- I mean... if you would have me, that is..." Kakashi paused, then shook his head, closed his eye, and took another deep breath. "Iruka, I... thank you."

And then, the jounin kept his eye closed and leaned down to return a kiss almost four days late.

Discussions took place that night, long ones, back and forth over what had happened and was to happen now. But, when it came down to it, Iruka was just too relieved to continue any such serious talks then, and Kakashi was still wound up from his mission- and, a little tired from rushing back home, which Iruka had amusedly scolded him for- they decided to postpone those talks for another day.

That night, while they waited for sleep to come, they spoke or kissed a little, shy, tender displays of intimacy that Iruka never would have believed possible from the perverse Copy nin. The intervals between such moments began to lengthen, though, and finally, it had now been quiet again for a period of minutes. Iruka's eyes were half shut as he began to absentmindedly trace patterns over the back of the jounin's scarred hands. He cleared his throat when he felt sleep hovering on the edges of his consciousness, somehow dredging up the energy to speak to ask the question he had been most concerned for. "How was your mission? ...Are you okay?"

It took Kakashi a few moments to reply, and when he did, his voice was slightly confused- if also heavy with sleep. "How do you mean?"

"Well, this was your first real battle since..." He shrugged barely, self-explanatorily. "I know that you've really just been lazy and enjoying a well-earned vacation, and that's why you're not back at work yet, but... it also wasn't a lie that you weren't..." he coughed awkwardly, "mentally fit for jounin work. ...So..."

Kakashi smiled again, an easy, relaxed expression with no hint of tension or deceit. "It wasn't at all as mentally traumatic as ANBU work, if that's what you mean."

"It's not."

"Yeah, I know." The jounin sighed, and his hand twitched slightly in Iruka's. "...It went... well, I suppose. It's the first time I've fought as myself in over ten years. Not Hound. It's certainly not how I remembered it being."

"How so?"

"For one, I'm a lot bigger now."

Iruka could just picture the jounin's childish grin, and he chuckled into his pillow before Kakashi continued.

"Hound... he didn't get to fight... thinking about other people. When I was Hound, you didn't exist, Iruka. Nothing else matters but the mission. Fighting as myself is different. I can care about something other than the mission and my team. I- ...that's... that's what Obito always wanted, I think. And Rin, and my sensei. Even- even after what I did- on my last mission, I think that... if I can keep fighting and- and living as Kakashi, and never Hound, never Hound again, then maybe- maybe I can make up for... everything I've done wrong." Kakashi fell silent for a moment, then sighed. "I hope I can. But, even if I can't... thank you for helping me learn how to be just Kakashi. I feel like I've done more as just myself in these six months than I did with ten years as Hound."

Iruka didn't speak when Kakashi fell silent. Such displays of emotion and his past were difficult for the jounin, he knew, and there was no need for him to ruin the moment by speaking and trying to convince Kakashi that he didn't have to make up for any of the work he'd done in ANBU. That was, after all, a work in progress. And Iruka didn't know if he would ever succeed in that- but he was starting to think that that was okay.

Because Kakashi got more secure in himself and happier with each passing day, and that was all Iruka could really ask for.

It was the fate of all ANBU to break the way Kakashi had. That or death was in the future of those masked, soulless soldiers, and there were no exceptions. Because, no matter how hard the operatives tried to suppress it, or how hard their commanders tried to ignore it, they were human underneath it all, and a human spirit could not handle the atrocities they saw and committed.

But Kakashi had defied the expectations of what was to happen next. Of what was to happen after those floundering operatives broke. He struggled against what he'd been taught nearly all his life, beginning to truly question the idea that any shinobi could ever be treated as a tool first, and person second. And instead of his life becoming a wasted has-been for Konoha, he patched himself back together, he got stronger, and he lived on.

Iruka smiled when Kakashi snored softly in his ear. He laced their fingers tighter together and closed his eyes. He had never loved someone like he loved Kakashi. He had never loved someone like Kakashi before, either, never known someone like this strange man who still defied even Iruka's expectations day after day after day.

That was part of the intrigue, he supposed. But he figured he would have a long time to get to know him better, and somehow, Iruka doubted that he would ever truly understand the mental intricacies and the multitude of idiosyncrasies that made up his favorite jounin, but that was okay.

He loved him anyway.