It's been a while...
So, folks it's been a long while, but I am returning. I am a tad lonely and feeling loquacious so I want to post. Frankly, I don't know how people in singles can do it. My roomate is out on kville a number of nights and I'm lonely in my dorm room. weird how that works.
edit: I promised myself I'd change the way I think. there's nothing worse then lying to yourself. if I'd just stop being a moron I'd be a lot happier. (consider ital. to be struck)
it's a shame, though, there's someone I really really really want to im, but I don't think I should because she never gave me her screenname, I got it off of facebook, and it might be creepy and stalkerish and that is the last thing I want to be. I haven't talked to her terribly much, but she seems like a really cool person when we do. We've been e-mailing back and forth, and honestly how often do you come across an incredibly attractive girl that's into anime, cosplay, and knows the joy of Star Trek. (she just logged off, actually, eliminating that issue), but still. She's a sophomore, and she hangs out a lot with the phi delt boys, and so we've met over drinks and beerpong. I actually ran into her earlier, and we walked and spoke for a bit. We were both trying to go to an engineering intership info. session that never occured. It would be awesome if it worked out , even moreso then just because it would be great if it did, but because then I'd be dating a bosnian girl...I've already dated a Saudi. I mean, all I'd have to do is spend some time with the girl from Uzbekistan who lives upstairs and I'd really have an unbeatable list. haha...just kidding, of course.
In other news, I left my tenting group...it just wasn't working out for me. 'nough said. I've given my reasons too many times, already, and it bores me.
More importantly, Rush is heating up. there are two I'm really interested in, and unfortunately their events are basically overlapping every single time. so that really sucks, but at least I'm already pretty friendly with the phi delt guys. Like, I feel like i can go over there and make stupid jokes and am comfortable. That's a really cool thing. I don't feel nearly like that with most of the aepi brothers, yet (just saus, cause he plays frisbee with me), but it's sometihng that takes a bit of time. I really like Aepi, so I want to stay with it. I dropped pike already. I didn't get an invite back to second round, and that is entirely fine by me. That place was right for my brother, but is not so for me. So I have those events just about every night. I finally had a night off last evening, but I was snagged and dragged to frisbee practice. I should go to that tomorrow, too, but I'm still sore from the first one, and I just don't know if I really want to, right now. We'll see tomorrow night, how I feel.
classes have begun and are going....well they exist, suffice it to say. Also Duke women's basketball is the bomb. they are oppresively good. like unfairly. We went to the maryland game...maryland was ranked number 1, duke number 3. Maryland played a tight game...good, very solid basketball, and Duke handed then their asses, by 19 points. It was wonderful. It's a good thing we'll get to burn our benches when they win the NCAA championship.
To those who have gotten this far, I offer a prize: ruminations on my mind. I had to do a thing for house course that was all about my purpose and how I learn about who I am. I realized that at this moment in time I don't know how I feel. Duke seems normal to me, and I feel like I belong, but am still trying to find out how I fit in and who I am. I almost don't see how I'm being asked to do things like join a frat and take courses for the rest of my life when I don't have the foggiest idea what it means to be zach. I know I spend far too much time thinking about girls. I ask myself whenever I meet a girl if I think I could be happy in a relationship with that person. It's wrong...all wrong. I need to be happy being friendly first, need to flirt, need to not want to revolve my life around it. Oh, there's another girl, too, but I think I'm only interested becasue she reminds me sooo much of Jocelyn and that would be profoundly unhealthy (seriously, she's really short with curly brown hair that has blonde highlights, is jewish, very liberal, and absolutely adorable...she's likely a very different person, but I'm almost afraid to take the time to find out). That's another thing. I've been thinking about that girl a lot lately. I don't know why, either. I've been over Jocelyn for a very long time, but now, here, I find it creeping back and I don't have any idea why. I think perhaps it's because we're no longer even friends. Every other girl I've dated has ended with a change in my mindset regaring that person. Most people I was forced to see as simply a friend (or even less). She has fled my life so completely by this point, that I have no current memories and I can only ruminate on the good times. Perhaps, though, the reason my mind dwells back there is because I felt more comfortable with her then anyone I've met before or since. Sure I am completely myself with anat and other people, but with her it wasn't just emotional, it was a physical comfort, too. and as much as I adored erica, we just didn't have the time. I suppose that is why, then, I search so much for someone I can really be happy with...why that is my first thought towards every new girl (and thankfully there are many many of them). It seems that so many of the people I know are only interested in ephemeral sexual encounters and friends among whom they can act like what they are supposed to be. Perhaps I'm being overly critical of others, but I am an admitted misanthrope. Maybe I never deserve a relationship like that until I am truly and totally happy with myself, but, as I told my paper this morning, I don't think I can be that ever...and I'm not certain I want to be. It's my feeling of inadequacy that makes me strive...I want someone who wants to share a journey towards happiness, not someone who is already content. That doesn't help me become more then what I am, now, which is the be all
edit: I promised myself I'd change the way I think. there's nothing worse then lying to yourself. if I'd just stop being a moron I'd be a lot happier. (consider ital. to be struck)
it's a shame, though, there's someone I really really really want to im, but I don't think I should because she never gave me her screenname, I got it off of facebook, and it might be creepy and stalkerish and that is the last thing I want to be. I haven't talked to her terribly much, but she seems like a really cool person when we do. We've been e-mailing back and forth, and honestly how often do you come across an incredibly attractive girl that's into anime, cosplay, and knows the joy of Star Trek. (she just logged off, actually, eliminating that issue), but still. She's a sophomore, and she hangs out a lot with the phi delt boys, and so we've met over drinks and beerpong. I actually ran into her earlier, and we walked and spoke for a bit. We were both trying to go to an engineering intership info. session that never occured. It would be awesome if it worked out , even moreso then just because it would be great if it did, but because then I'd be dating a bosnian girl...I've already dated a Saudi. I mean, all I'd have to do is spend some time with the girl from Uzbekistan who lives upstairs and I'd really have an unbeatable list. haha...just kidding, of course.
In other news, I left my tenting group...it just wasn't working out for me. 'nough said. I've given my reasons too many times, already, and it bores me.
More importantly, Rush is heating up. there are two I'm really interested in, and unfortunately their events are basically overlapping every single time. so that really sucks, but at least I'm already pretty friendly with the phi delt guys. Like, I feel like i can go over there and make stupid jokes and am comfortable. That's a really cool thing. I don't feel nearly like that with most of the aepi brothers, yet (just saus, cause he plays frisbee with me), but it's sometihng that takes a bit of time. I really like Aepi, so I want to stay with it. I dropped pike already. I didn't get an invite back to second round, and that is entirely fine by me. That place was right for my brother, but is not so for me. So I have those events just about every night. I finally had a night off last evening, but I was snagged and dragged to frisbee practice. I should go to that tomorrow, too, but I'm still sore from the first one, and I just don't know if I really want to, right now. We'll see tomorrow night, how I feel.
classes have begun and are going....well they exist, suffice it to say. Also Duke women's basketball is the bomb. they are oppresively good. like unfairly. We went to the maryland game...maryland was ranked number 1, duke number 3. Maryland played a tight game...good, very solid basketball, and Duke handed then their asses, by 19 points. It was wonderful. It's a good thing we'll get to burn our benches when they win the NCAA championship.
To those who have gotten this far, I offer a prize: ruminations on my mind. I had to do a thing for house course that was all about my purpose and how I learn about who I am. I realized that at this moment in time I don't know how I feel. Duke seems normal to me, and I feel like I belong, but am still trying to find out how I fit in and who I am. I almost don't see how I'm being asked to do things like join a frat and take courses for the rest of my life when I don't have the foggiest idea what it means to be zach. I know I spend far too much time thinking about girls. I ask myself whenever I meet a girl if I think I could be happy in a relationship with that person. It's wrong...all wrong. I need to be happy being friendly first, need to flirt, need to not want to revolve my life around it. Oh, there's another girl, too, but I think I'm only interested becasue she reminds me sooo much of Jocelyn and that would be profoundly unhealthy (seriously, she's really short with curly brown hair that has blonde highlights, is jewish, very liberal, and absolutely adorable...she's likely a very different person, but I'm almost afraid to take the time to find out). That's another thing. I've been thinking about that girl a lot lately. I don't know why, either. I've been over Jocelyn for a very long time, but now, here, I find it creeping back and I don't have any idea why. I think perhaps it's because we're no longer even friends. Every other girl I've dated has ended with a change in my mindset regaring that person. Most people I was forced to see as simply a friend (or even less). She has fled my life so completely by this point, that I have no current memories and I can only ruminate on the good times. Perhaps, though, the reason my mind dwells back there is because I felt more comfortable with her then anyone I've met before or since. Sure I am completely myself with anat and other people, but with her it wasn't just emotional, it was a physical comfort, too. and as much as I adored erica, we just didn't have the time. I suppose that is why, then, I search so much for someone I can really be happy with...why that is my first thought towards every new girl (and thankfully there are many many of them). It seems that so many of the people I know are only interested in ephemeral sexual encounters and friends among whom they can act like what they are supposed to be. Perhaps I'm being overly critical of others, but I am an admitted misanthrope. Maybe I never deserve a relationship like that until I am truly and totally happy with myself, but, as I told my paper this morning, I don't think I can be that ever...and I'm not certain I want to be. It's my feeling of inadequacy that makes me strive...I want someone who wants to share a journey towards happiness, not someone who is already content. That doesn't help me become more then what I am, now, which is the be all