... pooo ...
Yet again, I haven't posted in some time.
Why do I do that? I have so many thoughts that go around in my head, but... I never jot them down anymore, because I just depress myself by re-reading them.
I've been thinking about how my life has changed to dramatically over the past several months.
I have finished school - and from my point of view, it IS a fair big step, I mean, while you are at school, it is your life, because you don't know anything other from school, besides weekends and the holidays, but apart from that. Everything is school. Even when you are on your holidays, theres still those thoughts in the back of your head, school starts again in x amount of days. But all that is no more.
I have my own car - even tho it is a fair crappy car (and I can't wait till I get my new one =D), it is still the independance of it. I can go out when I want to go out. I can go where I want. Do what I want. All of this I never had before. It was always controlled.
I guess thats one thing about me which I don't like sometimes. It's weird. I don't like to be controlled. I like to do what I think is right, and not bowing to kiss other peoples shoes, but then, in other instances, that is completely contradicted. Sometimes I like to be told what to do, to be able to be given direction without thinking on my own accord. Maybe I'm lazy and don't want the responsibility? I don't know. Who cares.
I now have a fulltime job - wow, stability =S. It is an odd feeling; to think that I have finished my schooling (to a degree, I still have to do my Cert. IV in Network Engineering), and I am actually doing something now. Something I want to do, something I enjoy doing. It's great, and that regular income is awesome..
On another note, there have been other things happen that aren't "happy" things.
The death of my Grandmar - it still makes me cry at night. My Grandmar, the sweetest old lady that I have ever known. How I miss her. I think I am dealing with her death in different ways. I want to do other things with my spare time to try and get my mind off things. I go out and attempt to have fun, but I still just get escape the thinking that she is gone. I don't want to think about her not being physically in my life anymore. Thats another thing I just cant deal with; people I love so much, just suddenly dissapppearing from my life.
If it wasnt for her, I wouldnt be the person I am today. She had such an open mind, and was loving no matter what the circumstances were, held no grudges, and loved and understood everyone for what they were, even if she didn't agree with their ethics or their manner. She loved everyone, and her spirit made the room she was in so humbled. I miss her so much.
Breaking up with Shell - as I mentioned previously, I have difficulties dealing with people disapppearing from my life. I can't grasp the idea that the time we spent with each other, the friendship and love we have for each other, is all in vain now, because she wants nothing to do with me. We have been through our rough times, put our differences aside, looked at only the positives and loved each other for who we are, but that has changed. I want to go back to the start again, and start a-fresh. Forget all the pain and hurt that has gone both ways in hard times.
I know I have hurt her with my dealings with Jess. I guess I just didn't think about how it would effect her. I only thought about myself. Not Shell, not Jess, not the other people associated. To all, I am deeply sorry =(. It hurts to think that I have hurt the people that I care about the most, and there is no way that make it better. I want to make things better, but under the circumstances, I don't think that it's going to happen. I should go on living my life without a thought of Shell, but I cant do it. I hate my mind, my actions, my own reasoning.
I'm sorry Jess for making it look like I used you. I know you say its rediculous for me to even think that, but it's what has been portrayed. I'm sorry. I care for you, I really do, but its just not fair for my to be with you when I still love someone else. You still make me smile from ear to ear tho =D. I'm sorry Shell for treating you like shit and not thinking about your own feelings. I'm sorry that it had to end this way. I'm sorry that I have made you hate me so much to the point where you dont want to talk to me, dont want to see me, dont want to know me. I'm sorry that I have wasted such a large portion of your life when you could be out there experiencing the world. Experiencing the things you need to experience when you are at the age you are.
I'm sorry to the other people that are effected by my poor judgements of right from wrong, or what to simply do in a situation. Brent - I dont really know why I'm sorry, but I am. It's kinda slack what I've done, and for the wrong I have done to you, I hope you accept my apologies.
Wow - this IS a long post. Making up for the lack there of I guess.
MiK - You're a legend. The best make a fella could ever ask for. I know you dont even know that this journal exists, but I'll thank you all the same. Thanks for being there mate and putting up with me. It's amazing how our friendship doesnt grow thin through the years. It's awesome. You're still a playa tho ;) (LOL - What a mess).
Anyways, I'd better get back to work and do something worth while to be paid over.
Cheers
- #B
I've been thinking about how my life has changed to dramatically over the past several months.
I have finished school - and from my point of view, it IS a fair big step, I mean, while you are at school, it is your life, because you don't know anything other from school, besides weekends and the holidays, but apart from that. Everything is school. Even when you are on your holidays, theres still those thoughts in the back of your head, school starts again in x amount of days. But all that is no more.
I have my own car - even tho it is a fair crappy car (and I can't wait till I get my new one =D), it is still the independance of it. I can go out when I want to go out. I can go where I want. Do what I want. All of this I never had before. It was always controlled.
I guess thats one thing about me which I don't like sometimes. It's weird. I don't like to be controlled. I like to do what I think is right, and not bowing to kiss other peoples shoes, but then, in other instances, that is completely contradicted. Sometimes I like to be told what to do, to be able to be given direction without thinking on my own accord. Maybe I'm lazy and don't want the responsibility? I don't know. Who cares.
I now have a fulltime job - wow, stability =S. It is an odd feeling; to think that I have finished my schooling (to a degree, I still have to do my Cert. IV in Network Engineering), and I am actually doing something now. Something I want to do, something I enjoy doing. It's great, and that regular income is awesome..
On another note, there have been other things happen that aren't "happy" things.
The death of my Grandmar - it still makes me cry at night. My Grandmar, the sweetest old lady that I have ever known. How I miss her. I think I am dealing with her death in different ways. I want to do other things with my spare time to try and get my mind off things. I go out and attempt to have fun, but I still just get escape the thinking that she is gone. I don't want to think about her not being physically in my life anymore. Thats another thing I just cant deal with; people I love so much, just suddenly dissapppearing from my life.
If it wasnt for her, I wouldnt be the person I am today. She had such an open mind, and was loving no matter what the circumstances were, held no grudges, and loved and understood everyone for what they were, even if she didn't agree with their ethics or their manner. She loved everyone, and her spirit made the room she was in so humbled. I miss her so much.
Breaking up with Shell - as I mentioned previously, I have difficulties dealing with people disapppearing from my life. I can't grasp the idea that the time we spent with each other, the friendship and love we have for each other, is all in vain now, because she wants nothing to do with me. We have been through our rough times, put our differences aside, looked at only the positives and loved each other for who we are, but that has changed. I want to go back to the start again, and start a-fresh. Forget all the pain and hurt that has gone both ways in hard times.
I know I have hurt her with my dealings with Jess. I guess I just didn't think about how it would effect her. I only thought about myself. Not Shell, not Jess, not the other people associated. To all, I am deeply sorry =(. It hurts to think that I have hurt the people that I care about the most, and there is no way that make it better. I want to make things better, but under the circumstances, I don't think that it's going to happen. I should go on living my life without a thought of Shell, but I cant do it. I hate my mind, my actions, my own reasoning.
I'm sorry Jess for making it look like I used you. I know you say its rediculous for me to even think that, but it's what has been portrayed. I'm sorry. I care for you, I really do, but its just not fair for my to be with you when I still love someone else. You still make me smile from ear to ear tho =D. I'm sorry Shell for treating you like shit and not thinking about your own feelings. I'm sorry that it had to end this way. I'm sorry that I have made you hate me so much to the point where you dont want to talk to me, dont want to see me, dont want to know me. I'm sorry that I have wasted such a large portion of your life when you could be out there experiencing the world. Experiencing the things you need to experience when you are at the age you are.
I'm sorry to the other people that are effected by my poor judgements of right from wrong, or what to simply do in a situation. Brent - I dont really know why I'm sorry, but I am. It's kinda slack what I've done, and for the wrong I have done to you, I hope you accept my apologies.
Wow - this IS a long post. Making up for the lack there of I guess.
MiK - You're a legend. The best make a fella could ever ask for. I know you dont even know that this journal exists, but I'll thank you all the same. Thanks for being there mate and putting up with me. It's amazing how our friendship doesnt grow thin through the years. It's awesome. You're still a playa tho ;) (LOL - What a mess).
Anyways, I'd better get back to work and do something worth while to be paid over.
Cheers
- #B