Lessons Land
Maybe everything's stabilizing now. Maybe the world I thought was broken is beginning to reunite. How much longer? A month? Six months? A year? Two years?
By then, will I be free?
Time moves slowly. I blanket myself in dream and waken to the ticking clock. I look up at his cold, quiet face. 5 minutes have passed. I sleep once more. 10 minutes have passed. I sleep once more. 15. Why now? Are you purposely slowing your revolution? Isn't your freedom more important to you than my suffering?
It's been cold. Who really trusted me? Who really believed in me? You... so quick to judgment. No, I'm not a human in your eyes. You can quickly debase me with lies and slander and it's fine because I'm not a real person.
"You need to get back onto your medication." What the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK!? Who the hell do they think they are to say such a thing to me? What am I, some headcase with no control over myself? Is that why you don't believe me? Do my tears make me any less of a person than you? Fuck you. I don't need you then. Fuck off.
Your existence would only be further detrimental to my mental health. No. No one asked me what the truth was. You didn't ask. No one cared what I had to say. You don't care. Why would you? Obviously, it doesn't matter who gets hurt along the way, if the lie is interesting enough, there's no reason to prove it false.
Fine. Take away my status of victim and right to self-pity. Now I'm the criminal. Watch me find you and stand before you. Watch me stare you in the face. Look me right in the eyes and tell me I'm the cause. Go ahead. It doesn't matter. I'm not special. Neither are you. You're worth the same as I am, which may be nothing, in the grand spectrum of things.
Think what you want. A small stain on black fabric. My rebirth was overdue and canceled. It's fine. When I grow out of it, I'll no longer wear it.
I can't believe... I fall for your tricks. Why is it that I trusted you more than myself? Is my faith in myself so low to the point of rational retardation? I ask you now, do you feel any guilt? No, of course not. Every time I believe in you, you ruin me. My own sympathy is what leads me to Pandora's box, time and time again. No. A trap. Surprise. Pain. Despair. Recovery. Fear.
Maybe you have good intentions, somewhere in your twisted logic. The road to hell is paved with good intentions after all. Selfish. What? It's human nature? It has its limits. Even an epitome of selfishness, even myself, can cast aside my wishes for peace of mind.
No, you aren't evil or immoral. Just amoral. You're no demon. You're just an idiot. Ahah. Ahahahah. Ahahahahahahah. What can I do? Ignorance isn't a crime. If a baby pulls a trigger on us, do I kill him? Do I arrest him? What do I do? Why won't he learn?
Why is it... that you won't leave me alone? Maybe I'm shameless, but given the choice between happiness and my pride, I throw away my worth as a man. But you? You've taken both of them, haven't you? Don't you realize it's all for naught? You've stolen empty packages you fool!
Even I pity you, child. I've realized that this is a pointless venture. A lost cause. I'm not leaving you alone in this desert to die. I'm just going to let you grow up without me.
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So then. Am I alone now? Has the garden of my home already rotted? It's time to pull the weeds. I have to sew new seeds. I'll be starving for a while... Alas, time moves slowly. But eventually, won't this garden be even more beautiful than before? My home may be gone, but this hell will lead the way to my paradise.
You... Up there... Transform me. Light my way. Lead me to you. Because I...