Details
So about a year ago I was laid off from what was for me a very good job. I have since had two retail jobs that I hated and where horrible on my knees and ankles and leaned on the friendships I have with two people for part time income working at the places they run or own. I also got help from home and a forgiving and giving room mate. This was a crash. But really I have felt like I have been crashing since I left home.
I graduated top 10% of my class in High school without trying (I slept or read novels in most of my classes and did my calc and trig homework in the 5min before class) I got a 75% tuition waver to NAU and decided to defer it for 2 years to work (and save money) and hammer out some core class in community college. I got all the way through Calc 2 (despite having to teach myself) and all the English I would need for most degrees.
I got registered for all my NAU classes got into my mechanical engineering college and had housing . I had sent out about 10 job applications when NAU called and said they had lost my admittance to not the college but the over arcing University. Re admittance can take up to six weeks, this is the Friday before classes start. I was auto dropped from all my classes and because I had differed my waver to two year already (the max) I lost it.
I went back home did another year of community college and applied to all the instate universities. Before I finshed sending the third call I had a call from U of A. I got an email from NAU two weeks later and an letter from ASU three weeks later. I was already registered for classes at UofA for architecture.
I could work as an architect. But the way they run their college and the people who where there convinced me I did not want to get an architecture degree. I have always enjoyed the questions in philosophy so I took up more classes and switch my major to something that you really cant get much of a job with till you can ask people to call you doctor. But I loved learning about it. Sometimes I missed paper dates and things but I never got poor grades in a class for lack of knowledge of the subject.
After a year of this I ran out of many and had to get a loan, with the co signature of my aunt o the perfect credit. This drew me through two more years and then I let the immediate distract me from the important and I had to get a medical drop from a semester of classes. Which I bubbled and only got dropped from half my classes and got kicked out of college.
I didn't tell my parents hopping to recover and then my student loans came up due and they found out from the bank. I started working two jobs and have yet to miss a payment even to this day. But it will take me the better part of my working life to pay them off at this rate and I dont even have a degree yet. So more loans I will not be getting.
The two jobs became one good job that I then got laid off from and that brings us back to the top. each recovery was so small and would be followed by a crash that would take me farther down than before. Mix in two car crashes that really ought to have left me with way more than scrapes and bruises (in one the car rolled 3 times and in the other I was thrown from the car) and the death of both the grand parents I was close to and my father passing.
In High school I was a wild slightly crazy fun loving super easy going hug machine. I dot know what I am any more but I know I don't like it. I have tried to hold on to some of what used to be me but there is also now moodiness and gloom, despair and rage, I hate these things in me. I try and keep them from coming out around any of the people I know but I am sure they have effected everyone I know and I am sorry for that.
I don't know what good parts of me would have survived a forced move but I don't think they would have been many. I have longed to be closer to pines and the possibility of snow for a long time and there are people I have wished to be closer to as well. However this move would have been under very bad terms for me and I fear happiness of coming closer to you would have been tainted by depression and self loathing. I have a job now which ought to have set hours and pay. This should let me find time and funds to more actively pursue the things I want, be them degrees or friends. I would not say I have found hope or am chipper but my mood has lightened with the modicum of control I have regained over my life. Tomorrow is a mystery and yesterday is history but today is a gift, thats why they call it the present. Well fuck I hope they kept the receipt.
I graduated top 10% of my class in High school without trying (I slept or read novels in most of my classes and did my calc and trig homework in the 5min before class) I got a 75% tuition waver to NAU and decided to defer it for 2 years to work (and save money) and hammer out some core class in community college. I got all the way through Calc 2 (despite having to teach myself) and all the English I would need for most degrees.
I got registered for all my NAU classes got into my mechanical engineering college and had housing . I had sent out about 10 job applications when NAU called and said they had lost my admittance to not the college but the over arcing University. Re admittance can take up to six weeks, this is the Friday before classes start. I was auto dropped from all my classes and because I had differed my waver to two year already (the max) I lost it.
I went back home did another year of community college and applied to all the instate universities. Before I finshed sending the third call I had a call from U of A. I got an email from NAU two weeks later and an letter from ASU three weeks later. I was already registered for classes at UofA for architecture.
I could work as an architect. But the way they run their college and the people who where there convinced me I did not want to get an architecture degree. I have always enjoyed the questions in philosophy so I took up more classes and switch my major to something that you really cant get much of a job with till you can ask people to call you doctor. But I loved learning about it. Sometimes I missed paper dates and things but I never got poor grades in a class for lack of knowledge of the subject.
After a year of this I ran out of many and had to get a loan, with the co signature of my aunt o the perfect credit. This drew me through two more years and then I let the immediate distract me from the important and I had to get a medical drop from a semester of classes. Which I bubbled and only got dropped from half my classes and got kicked out of college.
I didn't tell my parents hopping to recover and then my student loans came up due and they found out from the bank. I started working two jobs and have yet to miss a payment even to this day. But it will take me the better part of my working life to pay them off at this rate and I dont even have a degree yet. So more loans I will not be getting.
The two jobs became one good job that I then got laid off from and that brings us back to the top. each recovery was so small and would be followed by a crash that would take me farther down than before. Mix in two car crashes that really ought to have left me with way more than scrapes and bruises (in one the car rolled 3 times and in the other I was thrown from the car) and the death of both the grand parents I was close to and my father passing.
In High school I was a wild slightly crazy fun loving super easy going hug machine. I dot know what I am any more but I know I don't like it. I have tried to hold on to some of what used to be me but there is also now moodiness and gloom, despair and rage, I hate these things in me. I try and keep them from coming out around any of the people I know but I am sure they have effected everyone I know and I am sorry for that.
I don't know what good parts of me would have survived a forced move but I don't think they would have been many. I have longed to be closer to pines and the possibility of snow for a long time and there are people I have wished to be closer to as well. However this move would have been under very bad terms for me and I fear happiness of coming closer to you would have been tainted by depression and self loathing. I have a job now which ought to have set hours and pay. This should let me find time and funds to more actively pursue the things I want, be them degrees or friends. I would not say I have found hope or am chipper but my mood has lightened with the modicum of control I have regained over my life. Tomorrow is a mystery and yesterday is history but today is a gift, thats why they call it the present. Well fuck I hope they kept the receipt.