[fic] Matsumiya - Remember You Always (part1)
Another attempt in writing Matsumiya. I just love this pairing~
And I really need to write Aiba/Jun and Aiba/Ohno fic. The requesters would be waiting for it >.<
Remember You Always
Pairings: Ninomiya Kazunari/Matsumoto Jun, Aiba Masaki/Matsumoto Jun (one-sided)
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, Romance, Friendship
Word count: 5.606
Summary: He will always remember him, always and forever.
“I’m Ninomiya Kazunari.”
The boy who sat next to me smiled. “I’m Matsumoto Jun. Nice to meet you.”
I reluctantly smiled back at him. This Matsumoto kid was my new seatmate. He’s a new transfer student from Osaka. I didn’t really want to be nice to him but it’s his first day at school, I didn’t want to make it hard for him. So I tried to be as civil as I could around him.
“Nice to meet you too.”
Jun smiled again. “I hope we can be good friends.”
“Whatever.”
That was my first meeting with Jun and it happened fifteen years ago. At first I thought that Jun would be a loud kid, knowing that he was actually from Osaka. But in reality Jun was a nice kid who was loved by everyone almost instantly due to his dry jokes and nice personality. I found it hard not to be friendly toward him too and in the end, we became best friends. We’re always together and couldn’t be separated from each other.
Everything was good. I and Jun lived our life like how normal children lived their life. But some things about Jun were quite odd and I couldn’t help but notice it. Sometimes Jun would forget what he was talking about seconds ago, or he would forget whether he had had a drink even though he was just drinking a glass of water, and some other trivial things. It was nothing big so I didn’t make a fuss over it.
As we grew older, the things that Jun forgot escalated to a bigger scale. He forgot how to write his own name, he couldn’t remember what he had done just a minute ago, and the thing that made me worried about Jun the most was when Jun momentarily forgot about me. We were walking together in the park when Jun suddenly turned to look at me, his eyes blank, it’s like he didn’t recognize me and somehow I was afraid that I lost him, when a moment later he was all smile again and called my name like usual, like he wanted to make sure that he remembered who I was. It was frightening and I couldn’t help but notice that there’s something strange about Jun.
I learnt about Jun’s illness from his parents who told me about it when we graduated from high school. Jun’s parents had to go back to Osaka to tend to some family business but Jun didn’t want to leave without me, so his parents agreed to let him live in Tokyo with one condition, that I would always be beside him. That’s when they told me the real reason why they moved to Tokyo from Osaka, why Jun sometimes forgot about things.
“Alzheimer?”
Jun’s mother nodded. “Yes, Alzheimer. It’s an illness that attack his brain, and that’s why he has a hard time remembering some things.”
“But why?” I couldn’t help myself but to ask. “Why Jun?”
Jun’s father smiled bitterly. “We want to know the answer too, why our child has to suffer from this illness. But no one could give us an answer to our question, no matter who we asked. Even when we go to Tokyo to ask some help from other famous doctors, we never got the answer that satisfied us.”
I still couldn’t believe what I had heard, even until I went home after my meeting with Jun’s parents, so I tried to make up excuses. Jun was not sick, he was just clumsy. Sure, he forgot about things but that didn’t mean he was sick. He was a normal kid like me, like the others, he just had worse memory than others.
Even when I tried to convince myself that everything would be okay, deep down inside I knew that nothing’s going to be okay, not after I learnt what actually happened to my best friend.
With tears freely flowing down my cheeks, I fell asleep.
I often wondered whether it’s better for me not knowing anything about Jun’s illness. Even when I knew everything, there’s nothing I could do for him, I could only support him.
“Having your support is more than enough, Kazu. You know that.”
That’s what Jun always said to me whenever I felt guilty for not being able to help him. He was my best friend and yet when he suffered I could only watch. It hurt too when Jun forgot about me, even if it’s just for a while. I wanted him to remember me always. That’s my only wish.
But of course, reality was never as nice as what you dreamed of. As Jun grew older, his memory started decreasing rapidly to the point where he couldn’t even remember who he was anymore. I remembered him going frantic because he couldn’t remember anything, not even me, and I had to hug him and reassured him that everything would be okay before I took him to the hospital.
The doctor told me that living in Tokyo was giving him too much pressure. He had to try to live normally, as normal as a sick teenager could be, so that he wouldn’t be pitied by others. Jun hated it when people stared at him with pity in their eyes, like how I usually looked at him sometimes.
The pressure was too much, his mind and body couldn’t take it anymore. If he continued to live under pressure like this, he would be dead even before he reached 30.
I couldn’t think of anything when the doctor told me that. I knew that Alzheimer was a very cruel illness but I always considered it as something curable. I was so naïve, thinking that nothing would happen to Jun when I could lose him in a blink of an eye. I thought that’s when I started to see Jun as different person, not just a best friend, but as someone important that I couldn’t risk to lose.
Jun was an important of my life, and I’d do anything to keep him by my side.
With that in mind, I made a decision to move from Tokyo after Jun’s condition was stable enough and he had gained back some of his memory, though it became hard for him to remember how to write or even read after his last panic attack. Jun became like a child again, learning everything from the beginning, how to write his name, how to read, and how to speak properly. He often got frustrated at himself for being so useless but I always told him that I loved him the way he was and I would continue to love him no matter what. My words seemed to have some effect on him because he tried hard to learn everything and not once he complained no matter how hard it was.
(“Kazu,” he said my name slowly, and I was shocked to hear his voice again after some time. I smiled at him as I reached out my hand to touch his cheek. “I’m here. Always here for you.”)
We moved to Chiba after Jun was released from the hospital and had regained his capability to speak again. Jun had tried so hard in learning and I had to remind him not to stress himself because I’d always be there for him. He would smile at me and said “Thanks, Kazu” which made me smile back at him.
I opened a flower shop with the help of Jun’s parents and also my parents because they wanted Jun to live in a healthy environment that could help him relax his mind. I was so grateful that my parents were so understanding, and that they loved Jun like Jun was their own child.
Living in a place surrounded with flowers proved to be good for Jun’s health. He didn’t get easily stressed like when he was still in Tokyo, he didn’t get panic attack anymore. Before we moved, I was constantly afraid that he would forget me even when I was standing beside him, but now he remembered me all the time.
Though the most important thing to me was that Jun was happy.
We lived happily like that for a year, Jun smiled more often and his smile was so genuine he looked so beautiful that I couldn’t help but harbor some feelings for him, feelings that were forbidden and sinful. But I never regret falling in love with Jun, who only looked at me as his best friend and nothing more. Having Jun with me was more than enough. I didn’t need him to reciprocate my feeling.
I wanted to continue living like that until the day Jun’s illness took him away from me but like always, my prayer was never heard.
One day, a man called Aiba Masaki came barging into the flower shop because he wanted to buy flowers for his friend who was hospitalized. Aiba was a very cheerful man with a bright smile and a positive attitude and I could see it in his eyes that he was falling for Jun the first time he saw Jun. With everything he got he tried to be near Jun even though Jun always gave him the cold shoulder, until one day Jun relented and began to warm up to him.
The first time I saw Jun smiling at Aiba, a smile that was different from the one he usually gave me, I had a very bad feeling. I never admitted that the bad feeling I got whenever I hear Jun talking about Aiba was jealousy. I want Jun to be happy and if Aiba could give him the happiness I could never give, then I would show Jun my full support even though it broke my heart. My feeling didn’t matter, Jun’s happiness was what important to me.
When Jun told me that he loved Aiba, I smiled and patted his back encouragingly and said, “Good luck.”
The smile that Jun gave me was worth the pain I felt in my chest. As long as Jun was happy, it’s enough.
“Going for a date with Aiba today?”
Jun turned at me with a goofy smile on his face. “Yes. How did you know?”
I grinned. “You took your time choosing your outfit today.”
Jun just laughed. He looked at his reflection once again in the mirror. After he’s satisfied, he turned to look at me and gave me a hug. “Wish me good luck, Kazu. I really hope he loves me back.”
I patted his back reassuringly like how a good friend should do, putting aside my own feelings and hurt so that I could show him that I was happy for him. “I always wish you good luck, Jun. You know that your happiness means everything to me.”
“Thank you, Kazu.” Jun said. He smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek. I smiled back at him as I hugged him for the last time, and then kissed him on the forehead. This was something we always did ever since we were children, a ritual that we wanted to keep, and it was so natural for us to do that we never considered about what people would think if they saw us doing all the hugging and kissing. People would think that there’s something between us though it’s not true at all.
I sent Jun off for his date with a smile on my face and a hope that everything would be okay for him, I wanted everything to be okay for him. Jun deserved to be happy after suffering so much because of his illness. Looking up at the sky, I sent out my prayer, hoping for it to be heard.
Let Jun be happy. That’s my only wish.
I know that I shouldn’t have prayed, because my prayer was never heard in the first place, when I received a phone call around nine.
It was from Jun. I couldn’t hear what he was saying at first because his voice was too soft and it was also raining hard outside.
“What is it, Jun?” I asked. And when Jun didn’t answer to my question I instantly got worried. “Jun? What happen?”
“Kazu.” Jun began, his voice was so soft I had to focus on hearing his voice or I wouldn’t be able to hear him at all. “He didn’t come.”
“What? Jun, say it clearly I couldn’t-“
“He didn’t come.” Jun repeated, his voice was even softer this time. “Masaki didn’t come.”
I cursed loudly. “Jun-“
“He said he couldn’t come.” Jun continued. This time his voice was a bit stronger though I could hear the trace of bitterness in it. “He said he couldn’t love me like how I wanted him to.”
“Jun-“
“He rejected me even before I said anything to him, Kazu.” Jun laughed softly. “How ironic is that?”
“Jun-“ I tried to call his name but Jun interrupted me again even before I finished my words.
“I want to forget everything, Kazu. Everything. So that I don’t have to feel anything anymore.”
“No, no, no! Jun!”
“I wish I can see you again for the last time, Kazu. Only for the last time.”
The line went dead after Jun’s last words and I cursed again as I frantically tried to search for Jun’s agenda where he had written down all his plans for the week so that he wouldn’t forget about it. I needed to know the place where Aiba was supposed to take Jun for their date.
I almost spat out as Aiba’s image popped in my head. I thought that Aiba could give Jun happiness but all he gave him were painful memories and rejection. And I would never forgive him for that.
Cheering as I found the agenda that Jun kept on the drawer beside his bed, I flipped the page to August 30 and found “Uchiurayama hills” scribbled there in Jun’s messy hand writing. I vaguely remembered that Aiba wanted to take Jun there to see the stars because Jun once said that he wanted to do star-gazing because he couldn’t do that in Tokyo.
After finding out the place, I immediately grabbed my coat and my key car, and drove my car in a high speed to Uchiurayama hills. The hill was located quite far away from where we lived and it would take an hour to get there if I drove in normal speed. I wanted to be there as soon as I could and I didn’t care if that meant I had to break all the speed regulation. It’s for Jun, someone who’s more important for me than my own life. I’d do anything for Jun.
Upon reaching the place without getting into an accident, I got out of the car and ran to search for Jun. I called for Jun’s name but my voice was hard to be heard above the sound of the rain so I gave up calling and instead continued my search around the hills.
It was after fifteen minutes of searching that I finally found Jun on top of the hills, sitting under a big tree drenched in rain and shivering from the cold. Without thinking, I ran to him and hugged Jun tightly in my embrace, not wanting to let him go again. It was my fault to let Jun fell in love with some jerk who only wanted to play with him. It was my fault that I got Jun to be in this state in the first place.
I released Jun from my hug as I reached out my hand to him. “Let’s go home. Even if no one loves you, you still have me. You have me as your place to go back to.”
He took my hand as he smiled at me. “I’m home, Kazu.”
“Welcome back, Jun.”
Jun’s health was decreasing in a frightening speed after the event in the hills. He started to forget things more often too, just like when we were living in Tokyo and it frightened me. The doctors in Chiba couldn’t help much so I had to bring Jun back to the Tokyo for further inspection. I sold the flower shop so that I could use the money for Jun’s medical treatment and moved back to Tokyo.
The doctor, a serious but kind man by the name of Sakurai Sho, told me that there was no hope left for Jun, he was too sick to be ‘repaired’ and that all they could do was waiting.
Waiting for Jun to die.
The doctor might not say it out loud but I knew that’s what he really wanted to say. And he also told me that there’s a chance Jun wouldn’t be able to remember anything anymore if he got into another panic attack. That’s just how bad Jun’s condition was.
But that never made me lost my hope. I believe that Jun would remember everything until the day he died, I wanted him to remember everything. I didn’t want him to forget about me, I didn’t want to lose Jun. Even if that means Jun would remember about Aiba as well that would be okay. Because that way Jun would still remember me.
But I knew that, like always, my prayer was never heard. I wondered whether God hate me that much to mess with my life.
I was late going to the hospital that morning because I had to stay until morning at the bar that day - I had to work or I wouldn’t be able to pay the medical’s bills - when I got a call from a nurse who explained to me about the panic attack Jun had this morning when he saw that I was not there like usual. The nurse also told me that Jun couldn’t calm down no matter what they did. In the end Jun fainted from exhaustion and they were afraid that something bad would happen to him so they put him in the emergency room per instruction from Sakurai-sensei.
Even before the nurse had finished with her explanation I had already been running to the hospital, my body was probably smelly from the cheap beers I served at the bar but I couldn’t care less about that right now. Jun was more important than anything.
“Please, please, save Jun. Please don’t take him away from me. Please.” I chanted to myself all the way to the hospital. I knew that my prayer was never granted but I couldn’t help it. I had to pray, to have a little bit of hope, or I’d gone mental with the way everything was going around me. I regretted it that I was never a religious man before. If I had been a good boy and prayed everyday before, maybe God would hear my pray now and that he wouldn’t be so cruel to take Jun away from him. Not now, at least, I was still not prepared to lose him just yet. I still need Jun in my life, I wanted to see him a bit longer, I wanted to make him smile again like before. I wanted Jun to be happy like when we first met, all smiles and optimistic, not bitter and afraid of the future.
When I reached the room where they kept Jun, he was already awake. He was sitting on the bed looking outside the window.
“Jun?” I called his name but he didn’t turn to look at me, he didn’t smile at me like always. At that moment I knew, I knew that I had lost my best friend, my first love, my everything, forever.
Next: part 2