Ugh. Two more dreams.
I really didn't want to post them up, but I might as well.
Several days ago, I had a dream about her. I was chatting with her online, and she said that she would come over and visit me. I was so happy. I was looking forward to it so much.
Only several minutes has passed but I felt as though she should have been there with me already. Several minutes more and I saw that she had posted photos up somewhere. Photos of the two of us posing together. Several photos of about the same poses with Aquinas, my first year accomodation in Adelaide in our background.
I felt so... upset. I kept sputtering out, when did that happen? How did that happen when I did not feel anything, could not remember anything? We looked so happy. How could something like that have happened without me experiencing it?
I felt so terribly unaccomplished.
In the midst of my depression I woke up.
...
I wasn't sure if this dream meant anything at all. After two days has passed, I managed to pull thru onto facebook, and I saw that she had sent me a gift on Farm Town. She had just started playing and she probably mass sent to all Farm Town users on her list.
I didn't know what to do, but in the end I sent something back. A rabbit. My highest ranked item turns out to be a rabbit. An animal connected to Izumi, her OC. I virtually slitted my wrist.
As I pondered if it was her move to be friends again, I realised a possible meaning to my dream. That if we get back together, it'll just be as friends. I'll be seeing something more in it. Expecting something more from it. But I will fall short, while she would be content and happy because we're 'friends' again.
That meaning sucked like fuck. But I made the decision to ignore her again and hope there's nothing more from her. Or to ignore her whole.
++++
My second dream was last night. Somehow I was something like Haruka. Tall, blonde and tomboyish. I was in a pair of olive slacks, a white school shirt and had a tie on. I was in a ground floor class room with a girl, something like a younger Sheryl Nome in the female version of my uniform. There were tables grouped up together, with some sort of draping over them at the black of the classroom. It was like a huge luxurious bed.
The classroom had clear glass windows on all three sides, and I told her to close the curtains or else we'll be caught. She said something naughty and I replied that I was going to try something I've not tried before too. As the curtains were being closed, (dusk was falling) I noticed people moving outside. As if they were passing by on their way to go home. I peeked out from behind a curtain and saw two teachers keeping the students in order.
I tried looking for the Sheryl girl, and suddenly this black student was next to me looking outside too. I went *_* and decided to just ditch the plans and led Sheryl girl out to go home.
The scene immediately becomes my old primary school (tho the students were all secondary). We were at the end of the block and were turning towards the hall when we bumped into a group of students who were bullies. I tried walking past them without acknowledging them. At first they just looked at me, but as I walked further off, I could feel them signaling each other. Sheryl girl tried to tell me that one of them was catching up to me, but I just gave her a non-committal reply.
I felt my collar being pulled back then, and I gave in, turning to look at the perpetrator somewhat calmly. Suddenly the perpetrator became smaller than me. He had a cap on and he too was black. He looked something like the first one in the classroom. He told me that seniors were not exempted from tax too, but his manner showed that he didn't really want to do this to me.
I ended up fishing out some coins from by backpack and gave him a dollar. And then I started heading for the school exit again with the Sheryl girl (The exit was next to the school hall).
Once we were at the gate, the kid came up to me again, saying that his boss wanted more. He walked side by side with me as we passed thru the gate and down the sidewalk abit. I was fishing out more coins for him, but then realised that I had given him Singaporean coins. They worth more than my native currency so I didn't want to give him more of them. Just as his 'boss' appeared, I found a dollar note in my native currency and passed it to him. They left us alone then. Not a few seconds later, I saw a small lorry coming up the road. The first black kid was on it, holding a rifle that's attached to the top of the lorry's head. He had his gaze locked on me, and when the lorry drew up, he offered me the rifle to shoot down those bullies. I jokingly said that it's either I don't want to kill them, or I'll miss anyway trying. They left us then.
The Sheryl girl and I walked up again towards the highway that's near our school. There was a pedastrian bridge nearby, but for some reason, I tried crossing the highway with her holding onto my hand xD
When we reached the other side (the area my old house was in, AND we were standing next to my actual high school xD) I looked around. There were shuttle train stops on each end of the pedastrian bridge. In my head I knew that the Sheryl girl was supposed to get on the one on our side to go home. I didn't really want to let go of her, so I said that this really isn't my area anymore (well it isn't. we've moved away 6 years ago). I decided to hop on the shuttle train with her, and she clung to my arm as we sat.
A friend of ours (he doesn't exist irl) came on the train too and started making a comment about the bullies. Sheryl looked up at me and said something with a pout, but I couldn't remember it. I'm not even sure if I had actually heard it. And then the shuttle train started to move.
As it was passing under a flyover, some people were gushing about how they saw some robots move.
Yes, robots. Think transformers disguising as the shuttle train on the other side.
I was like "wtf? robots?"
And then I woke up thanks to my persisting alarm.
...
This dream was a lot nicer than the dream about my ex, but omg. I'm totally not like Haruka, other than that I really like to tease girls and flirt with them.
Mostly online though. I'm too shy to flirt IRL because I don't think I'll be accepted.
That aside, I'd really prefer having a Haruka, than be a Haruka.
Uhm. Anyway. I got to thinking how I'm lucky that I'm in Malaysia because I'm mostly attracted to caucasian girls. And then I got upset at how some people are having a happy life having a girlfriend and I can't have one. And the one I want to have isn't right for me. Isn't even wanting me anymore.
So I ended up crying for a bit in the late afternoon.
I posted up on facebook how i hated crying because of a dream. but that at least I had a sheryl nome-esque girlfriend in that dream. That was 12 hours ago.
I just saw an update on facebook that my ex wrote several hours ago. She's going to Florida.
Whooppee. She'll probably be meeting with her new SO again.
I was in so much hate. So much rage. I was so jealous.
I really wanted to curse in her face again. Call her names, wish her death. After a year and a half. Realising what an unhealthy place my mind is made me even more upset. I decided to write this journal instead and see how it goes later.
Which is now.
To tell you the truth, I feel better now. But... damn you Taryn Krock. See what you've done to me....
My last link to her.
I think I should really delete it. The very sign of her still alive still upsets me. The very sign of her happy or with her SO still kills me so completely.
What the fuck must I do to make this all better again?
Several days ago, I had a dream about her. I was chatting with her online, and she said that she would come over and visit me. I was so happy. I was looking forward to it so much.
Only several minutes has passed but I felt as though she should have been there with me already. Several minutes more and I saw that she had posted photos up somewhere. Photos of the two of us posing together. Several photos of about the same poses with Aquinas, my first year accomodation in Adelaide in our background.
I felt so... upset. I kept sputtering out, when did that happen? How did that happen when I did not feel anything, could not remember anything? We looked so happy. How could something like that have happened without me experiencing it?
I felt so terribly unaccomplished.
In the midst of my depression I woke up.
...
I wasn't sure if this dream meant anything at all. After two days has passed, I managed to pull thru onto facebook, and I saw that she had sent me a gift on Farm Town. She had just started playing and she probably mass sent to all Farm Town users on her list.
I didn't know what to do, but in the end I sent something back. A rabbit. My highest ranked item turns out to be a rabbit. An animal connected to Izumi, her OC. I virtually slitted my wrist.
As I pondered if it was her move to be friends again, I realised a possible meaning to my dream. That if we get back together, it'll just be as friends. I'll be seeing something more in it. Expecting something more from it. But I will fall short, while she would be content and happy because we're 'friends' again.
That meaning sucked like fuck. But I made the decision to ignore her again and hope there's nothing more from her. Or to ignore her whole.
++++
My second dream was last night. Somehow I was something like Haruka. Tall, blonde and tomboyish. I was in a pair of olive slacks, a white school shirt and had a tie on. I was in a ground floor class room with a girl, something like a younger Sheryl Nome in the female version of my uniform. There were tables grouped up together, with some sort of draping over them at the black of the classroom. It was like a huge luxurious bed.
The classroom had clear glass windows on all three sides, and I told her to close the curtains or else we'll be caught. She said something naughty and I replied that I was going to try something I've not tried before too. As the curtains were being closed, (dusk was falling) I noticed people moving outside. As if they were passing by on their way to go home. I peeked out from behind a curtain and saw two teachers keeping the students in order.
I tried looking for the Sheryl girl, and suddenly this black student was next to me looking outside too. I went *_* and decided to just ditch the plans and led Sheryl girl out to go home.
The scene immediately becomes my old primary school (tho the students were all secondary). We were at the end of the block and were turning towards the hall when we bumped into a group of students who were bullies. I tried walking past them without acknowledging them. At first they just looked at me, but as I walked further off, I could feel them signaling each other. Sheryl girl tried to tell me that one of them was catching up to me, but I just gave her a non-committal reply.
I felt my collar being pulled back then, and I gave in, turning to look at the perpetrator somewhat calmly. Suddenly the perpetrator became smaller than me. He had a cap on and he too was black. He looked something like the first one in the classroom. He told me that seniors were not exempted from tax too, but his manner showed that he didn't really want to do this to me.
I ended up fishing out some coins from by backpack and gave him a dollar. And then I started heading for the school exit again with the Sheryl girl (The exit was next to the school hall).
Once we were at the gate, the kid came up to me again, saying that his boss wanted more. He walked side by side with me as we passed thru the gate and down the sidewalk abit. I was fishing out more coins for him, but then realised that I had given him Singaporean coins. They worth more than my native currency so I didn't want to give him more of them. Just as his 'boss' appeared, I found a dollar note in my native currency and passed it to him. They left us alone then. Not a few seconds later, I saw a small lorry coming up the road. The first black kid was on it, holding a rifle that's attached to the top of the lorry's head. He had his gaze locked on me, and when the lorry drew up, he offered me the rifle to shoot down those bullies. I jokingly said that it's either I don't want to kill them, or I'll miss anyway trying. They left us then.
The Sheryl girl and I walked up again towards the highway that's near our school. There was a pedastrian bridge nearby, but for some reason, I tried crossing the highway with her holding onto my hand xD
When we reached the other side (the area my old house was in, AND we were standing next to my actual high school xD) I looked around. There were shuttle train stops on each end of the pedastrian bridge. In my head I knew that the Sheryl girl was supposed to get on the one on our side to go home. I didn't really want to let go of her, so I said that this really isn't my area anymore (well it isn't. we've moved away 6 years ago). I decided to hop on the shuttle train with her, and she clung to my arm as we sat.
A friend of ours (he doesn't exist irl) came on the train too and started making a comment about the bullies. Sheryl looked up at me and said something with a pout, but I couldn't remember it. I'm not even sure if I had actually heard it. And then the shuttle train started to move.
As it was passing under a flyover, some people were gushing about how they saw some robots move.
Yes, robots. Think transformers disguising as the shuttle train on the other side.
I was like "wtf? robots?"
And then I woke up thanks to my persisting alarm.
...
This dream was a lot nicer than the dream about my ex, but omg. I'm totally not like Haruka, other than that I really like to tease girls and flirt with them.
Mostly online though. I'm too shy to flirt IRL because I don't think I'll be accepted.
That aside, I'd really prefer having a Haruka, than be a Haruka.
Uhm. Anyway. I got to thinking how I'm lucky that I'm in Malaysia because I'm mostly attracted to caucasian girls. And then I got upset at how some people are having a happy life having a girlfriend and I can't have one. And the one I want to have isn't right for me. Isn't even wanting me anymore.
So I ended up crying for a bit in the late afternoon.
I posted up on facebook how i hated crying because of a dream. but that at least I had a sheryl nome-esque girlfriend in that dream. That was 12 hours ago.
I just saw an update on facebook that my ex wrote several hours ago. She's going to Florida.
Whooppee. She'll probably be meeting with her new SO again.
I was in so much hate. So much rage. I was so jealous.
I really wanted to curse in her face again. Call her names, wish her death. After a year and a half. Realising what an unhealthy place my mind is made me even more upset. I decided to write this journal instead and see how it goes later.
Which is now.
To tell you the truth, I feel better now. But... damn you Taryn Krock. See what you've done to me....
My last link to her.
I think I should really delete it. The very sign of her still alive still upsets me. The very sign of her happy or with her SO still kills me so completely.
What the fuck must I do to make this all better again?