[fic] final goodbye
I’m lying here beside you. Watching your sleeping face. Counting every breath that you take. You are looking so peaceful right now, my dear. I want to kiss you but I’m afraid you’ll wake up so I just keep staring at you. Keep counting your breath.
‘1, 2, 3, 4, 5….’ I hear myself whispering.
Thought that you would stay forever with me
Touching your face, I slowly close my eyes, try to remember every single detail of you. Your eyes, your nose, your lips. Everything is just so perfect. So perfect that I want to pause this moment and live in it forever. If only I could do that..
Before we turn out the light and close our eyes
I'll tell you a secret I’ve held all my life
Our past, it still feels like a dream to me. It was a destiny. I never thought that someday, I’d found someone like you. Someone that I would hold on to for the rest of my life. But somehow, you stood there so perfectly, so gorgeously that day. I looked at you and I don’t know why, but I just couldn’t take my eyes off you. Immediately I said to myself, ‘I want to marry that man’.
It's you that I live for
“Hey Kazu…would you like to be my wife?” Casually you said those lines when we were standing side by side, hand in hand, one day.
“What?”
“I said- “
“I know. Did you really mean it?”
“Just say yes already.” And you took out a red velvet box. A box that had always been a girl’s dream for her entire life. Inside, there was a shiny ring in a heart-shaped cut. I didn’t manage to say anything, I just cry. No, it wasn’t that ring that had made me cry, it was you. Your look when you handed me that box, it’s just priceless. You took my nod as a ‘yes’ and the heart-shaped ring had safely been placed on my left finger.
Hold on me close, close to my lips
Listen intently as I tell you this
We had countless time of happiness together. Yes, we fight once in a while but through all those angry stares and harsh words, we always know that we have each other no matter what. If I ever said that I hate you, I never meant that. If I ever broke your heart, I’m sorry. You know too well that I love you and only you. Forgive me, dear. Sometimes, I love you so much that I become a selfish person.
I'll stop the world wages is worn
I never told you this, but I once pray that I want to die before you because I don’t want to suffer the loneliness without you by my side. Somehow, I know that you had made the same wish. Sorry to disappoint you, but it looks like I’ll be leaving you first.
It's you that I live for and for you I die
“Jin…leave me. Please.” I told you as I cried harder.
“No.”
“You don’t understand. I’m sick.”
“And I’m your husband. I’ll take care of you.”
“I don’t want you to see me sick.”
“I’ll pretend that you’re not sick.”
“My face will be ruined. My hair, they’ll be gone.”
“You can wear make up. And a wig.” We laughed as tears started to come out from your eyes. I wiped your red cheeks. You wiped mine. I don’t know why but it didn’t help because we started to cry more and more..
It was my birthday and everyone else; my parents and my friends didn’t know about my disease yet. I wore my best dress that day, hoping that it will somehow chase away the agony that had build inside of me. How am I supposed to be happy when I’m not? I heard myself telling that, over and over again. Holding on to my skirt, I started to cry silently inside our room, so that nobody would hear me crying. I always do that when I don’t want to let you see me in pain. I continued crying but the pain, it didn’t seems to lessen..
Later when I wanted to come out from the room to greet everybody, you stopped me.
“Wait.” As you said that, you softly brushed my cheeks. And then you kissed my forehead.
“Cheer up. You don’t want everyone else to know that you’ve just cried, don’t you?” Your lines stroked deep inside my heart. You knew. I thought. You knew that all this time I’ve been locking myself inside our room to cry. Looking at your eyes once again, I saw the same exact pain that I’ve been dealing with ever since I got this cruel disease. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I only kept all the feelings to myself that I didn’t realize; you too, are suffering so much from my unhappiness.
That day, I had the best birthday party ever. No. It wasn’t because of the gifts, or the decorations. It was because I’m there, surrounded by the people that I love, who love me back. And when I looked at you, giving all your best to make me feel happy, I thought to myself, what a lucky woman I am to have you as my husband.
That day, I kept a promise deep down inside that every time I wanted to cry, I’ll think of you, the best gift God had given to me…
‘6, 7, 8, 9, 10….’ I keep counting on your soft breath. The warmness of it is touching upon my face.
Just now, I had a nightmare and I couldn’t sleep soon after I woke up. These peculiar feelings keep growing inside me little by little. I’m so afraid that this might be my last time seeing you in our bed because I’m having this premonition that I’ll be leaving you tonight.
Since the day that I’ve been diagnosed with this disease, I’ve been thinking to myself, what I would say to you for the last time I see you. 1001 words had been lingering inside my minds. I thought I know what exactly what I want to say to you.
But now that I’m here at this very moment, no single word is coming from my mouth. Instead, I just stare at you. ‘….11, 12, 13….’
I touch your face for the very last time as I gently kiss your forehead. I mumble one phrase that I want to say so badly to you now; somehow I hope you’ll hear this phrase inside your dream.
“I love you.”
And… Goodbye.