Cant handle, dont read please.
This entry has the potential of getting a little more ugly than it usualy does. I have got some things on my mind that I just cant deal with anymore. Im done crying about them. So after this entry.. no more tears.. only more prayer. I just have to get them out some how ... I cant have them anymore. And to be honest.. I am not going to leave names out like usual. So.. having said that.. I really wouldnt suggest reading this. It could be you.. and I am sorry that it could hurt you but I am not really sorry for what I might say... Probably later I will be.. thats how these things go.. you journal .. yes JOURNAL something that is personal to you and someone always gets upset because you said something to hurt them or you worded something wrong.. or someone reads something that you think about them and they get hurt.. so honestly.. if you dont think you can handle reading this.. dont. This is my journal.. its for me. Its not for you. Brianna you have it right "It's really too bad i have this silly journal thing. Everything you type will never be able to express how you really feel or the things you really have to say. "All i do is write all i do is write all i do is write so that maybe someone who might read this would get something out of it, but i usually end up hurting someone's feelings or saying things the wrong way. Livejournals are silly in the fact that everybody writes for other people. We write to impress, to make people think we are happy or make them know we are sad so we can get that reassurance from the comments they leave." How true is that? Well this journal isnt for you. Its for me. Read if you wish.. but know.. I might say something.. it might be about you.. and it might not sit well with ya. The format tends to go into like I am actually talking to the person.. and I guess thats because I wish I were. But there are MAJOR over reactions in some places in here.. and thats called estrogen/emotion... so taking this WHOLE thing word for word literally IS not the best idea. WHICH is why I say.. dont read. and if you do.. Comment ONLY if truly vital to do so.
To my surroundings:
I have become used to this place and its normalities. I cant stand it. I am bored. I need something.. someone.. ANYTHING kick-my-butt awesome that will just.. help me out. I need it. I feel like im dying. The Hart EVERYONE knows back home.. crazy.. fun.. caring.. honest.. true.. the one who is always there for you, holds in her emotions, always wants you to be happy,... that one.. me. Man I aint changed.. but I know I aint the same.
To my game today:
Today we had our first home game.. Home Opener.. what a sight. Walking in two-by-two.. silent.. our music assisting us in looking like BADDD mamma jammas.. haha.. Then We were all in a cirlce and they were going through line up calling us person by person onto the field... then the very last person.. the goalie. "AND A FRESHMAN FROM CUMMING GEORGIA, GOAL KEEPER, LAUREN HARTSFIELD!" You know that felt good. Running through my coachs.. slapping their hands.. taking off a glove to shake the other teams coach's hand.. then running out where the rest of my team was standing in a straight line with their sticks in the hair... as I run down the line hitting sticks with them they are all screaming for me. "YEAH HARTTIE!" "LETS GO HART!" "YOU GOT IT HART!" dang. What a rush. Then we all .. still in a line.. look up at the flag and listen to our national anthem being played. It was a great feeling.. but I didnt show up. I played horribly. So much so that I wanted to cry at half time. Not only for that.. but for somethings that were on my mind. But.. it was terrible. I am 200 times better than that... where was I? Im sorry guys.
To Breanne:
Breanne calls me the other day. I had been trying to get ahold of her for.. 3 months? More? And I was angry with her.. dissapointed that she wouldnt call me back. Why? I hate that. One of the first things she tells me is "I just wanted to call and tell you that I love you and I miss you" ... I miss you too. Then somewhere down the conversation.. the sentence "then when I O.D. my parents decided not to sell the house so that I could live there with them".... and I was angry she hadnt called me the past 3 months. What an idiot. O.D. on pills. Im so sorry Bre. Why didnt anyone tell me!? Why didnt I get a call!? I would have been home and in the hospital next to you. I would have held you hand and cried with you but smiled through the tears. I would have. I would have paid for the flight.. for the cab if I had to.. I would have paid in running for missing practice. I would have. One call.. I would have been there Bre. I care so much about you. Just like everyone.. I would come for you too.. I would come to you. I couldnt believe what I was hearing.. I just couldnt. How do you loose it so much that something like that would happen to you? There is way too much love in the world for you to do something stupid like that. Way too much love in me for you to do something stupid like that. Too much love. God love you so much Breanne.. you knew that once.. and I know that somewhere down deep inside you still know that.. and your heart yearns for that love. Turn to it. He's still arms open wide to you.
To Kate:
Im hurt. No other way to put it. Confused maybe. Upset definitly. But hurts the best way to get it done. Kate its not that you want your own thing. If that were the case then you wouldnt be going to work somewhere with people you already know like Pant. What it is is that you dont want me to be a part of it. Why the heck cant that honesty just come out. Might not change the fact that we might work at the same place.. but.. honesty would be good. I still dont understand. I mean.. seeing as I go to school 700 miles away.. and will again next year.. its not like you dont get enough distance from me anyways. Its just a summer. 2.. 3 months tops? Am I honestly that annoying of a person.. that bad of a friend that you cant handle me for that amount of time? Yeah Nicki talked to me.. she told me what she said.. what you said.. she doesnt get it either. I wish I knew why you really cared so much. Why you have been acting so weird lately. I dont get it.. no one does. Possible conclusions: a)I just need to stop calling, stop IMing.. stop texting you. You come to me from now on.. that way I wont bother you. b)Has this become the one thing I didnt want it to? A hollything? Is it going to be one of those "umm dont really want to be friends with you anymore hart" type deals? Youre above that.. you are MUCH better of a friend than that. c)You just dont really like this friendship anymore? d)Im over reacting.. which wouldnt be too far out of the picture or norm for me. I dunno.. but I am tired of feeling like I have some disease with you... what did I do? Please tell me.. I wish I knew. Havent I always done what you needed? Have I not been there for you? If I havent then I am so sorry. There is no reason why I shouldnt have. I mean.. If I can write a paper for you in a night.. then I should be able to do just about anything. Why am I always the one to dissapoint people?? I try harder than just about anyone and somehow I seem to always come up short. I cant stand it. When Nicki tells you "she seemed a little upset" I bet she didnt mention the tears. Good Nicki. I wouldnt want you to know about those. Help me.. im losing something I never thought I would loose. Kate I need your friendship.. is it that you dont need mine? Dad was right to say "lauren you and I love our friendships too deeply. No matter how much they love you.. you will always love them 10 times more" But thats not true Kate.. I know you love this friendship.. I know you do.
Ugh.. that felt good. not done tho..
To Courtney:
Courtney.. what are you doing?! You know how to fix it. You know what to do. Why dramatize your life by dragging out the things you KNOW arent what you should do to get things right? Stop now while you can Court. You know we all love you. Its not proven 100% of the time.. but Im not even sure thats possible. We try hard to though. Stop confusing yourself please. I love you little one. stop all this crap. So many more things that you could turn to for happiness. Your dad wasnt there.. I know. Your mom is over protective.. ive seen. Your brother has screwed up a lot.. its true. You lost the two boys you loved... it happens. Dont let those things run your life. What would life be without things liek that happening.. you cant get the rainbow without a storm. Suck it up. Quit turning to stupid things for comfort... and turn to the one person you KNOW will always be there. You know he is. Same thing as Breanne "
"God love you so much *Courtney*.. you knew that once.. and I know that somewhere down deep inside you still know that.. and your heart yearns for that love. Turn to it. He's still arms open wide to you."
To home:
I cant wait to go home. I miss my family. I miss my room. I miss my bed. I miss my friends... I miss them a lot. I miss what I have at home. I miss knowing every turn to everywhere I go. I miss taking a shower without flip flops and 14 other girls in there. I miss my mom's maccaroni and cheese. I miss waking up late and going down stairs and watching TV. I miss Fajitas with Da Crew. I miss girlie parties. I miss warm weather. I miss polite people. I miss my mom and mine's inside jokes. I miss FRC. I miss knowing where everyone is. I miss MarioKart with Christopher. I miss Christopher. I miss Bri's waterbed. I miss driving Woodis home. I miss Reesie (thats a random/strange one). I miss playing Lacrosse and then driving home, windows down in nothing but a sports bra. I miss Nikkii's basement. I miss "drunken Finney Handstands". I miss Kathryn's connection with me. I miss laying around the house in PJs all day. I miss driving like 60 in Kat's hood. I miss Alison. I miss playing pool. I miss helping Shawn out at the church as if it was my job.. but it isnt. I miss making people laugh with my videos. I cant wait to go home.
To Topher:
I miss Christopher so much it hurts. But I know that God is amazing.. truly amazing. I know that God is using Christopher is amazing ways. I know that God is using me in amazing ways.. even when I continually screw up. I know that God had us together for a reason.. and I know that now he has us apart for a reason. I worried for a long time that I would never find anyone like Christopher ever again.. and then I realized I might not. And you know what thats for God to decide, not me. But if I ever find anyone to love as much as I loved Christopher.. then.. then thats more than amazing. I pray for Christopher's future wife almost everyday, and I know what whoever she is will be perfect for him. But.. I still miss Christopher a whole lot.. and I will always love him.. he will always have a really special place in my heart. As cliche as it sounds... ..Chris I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you. And I would give anything to flick that "on" swtich that you said you had to turn off. But I am so thankful that God has given me a peace of knowing that his plan is HIS plan. "Better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all"... and thats has to be the hardest thing I have ever had to realize. And I wish you knew all these things.. but I know that if it were God's will you would persue me.. but I praise God for his almighty hand and how he has placed it on our lives.. and I am awestruck when I think about where he is leading us both.. weather together or apart.. I am better off to have had you.
If you did read this.. brave you... I really hope you didnt become uncomfortable or upset by what I said. Please.. dont. Also realize that.. just because everything I wrote was kinda .. not happy? haha.. doesnt mean I am in like a state of depression or somethign.. far from it. You know those times that you just have things on your mind and you just think "If I had someway of gettings these thigns off my chest I would feel better".. well thats what this was. God is amazing to me.. and showers me with blessings.. daily. I love God... and WOW does he love me haha! Good is good, all the time. All the time, God is good. So ima leave you with one of my fave verses:
"Thought the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and not cattle in the stalls, YET I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feel like the feet of a deer, and enables me to go on the heights."
Habakkuk 3:17-19