More of my personal thoughts...
I've decided this summer is going to officially suck. I dunno, I mean, I guess it would be no worse than if I was sitting at home the whole summer, but still. It's gonna be cool to actually be out on my own for once, but there's gonna be nobody around but Erin and Mike. Don't get me wrong, it's great that those two will be here, but not great that they are the ONLY two who will be here. Like I've talked about before, Mike starts classes next month, so he will have no time for anything between classes, homework, and work. He's already basically told me that. Next month doesn't start for ike two weeks yet...but for those next two weeks, I will have no time for anything. I have classes MWF, work Tuesday and a stupid RHA banquet after work. And it would figure that that's the only night Mike thinks he has off next week. Then I work again Thursday. I MIGHT be able to see him next weekend sometime, but it's doubtful. Then the week after that is exam week. Work Monday and Friday all day, exams Tues, Wed, Thurs. That weekend, we have to be moved out of our apartment, and it's looking very doubtful that our summer apartment will be ready to be moved into by that time. So that means probably moving home for a week or two. Which means no Mike, and probably no work unless I drive two hours to go to work and two hours to go back home. So basically I might as well get used to the fact that I will probably not get to spend any time with Mike anymore...period. I wanted to go out with him tonight and do something, but I called and got his voicemail, and when he called me back a few minutes later, he said he's on his way to Indiana to see his brother for the weekend. Which is no big deal, because after tonight, my whole weekend is busy too, I'm going home tomorrow to move some of my crap back home, and Sunday is the GC concert, so I just have tonight to be bored, and Jess should be home soon, so I'm sure we'll find something to do. But it's not the boredom issue that sucks, it's the fact that I want to see him and can't. He hates it when people get attached to him, and I hate myself for getting attached to people, so I'm trying to not do that with him. I just wish I could make myself stop liking him completely, life would be so much easier that way. But every day that goes by, I like him more.
As far as my actions go, I've changed the type of person I used to be...I am not outwardly/visably clingy, I don't call him every night, I don't expect to see him 3 or 4 times a week. The person I used to be would have done all those things in order to release some of her feelings. The old me would have sat around trying to figure out the best ways to tell him how she felt and would convince herself that things would be perfect with him if she could just convince him that they were made for each other and that she would do anything for him. But the new me knows that guys hate girls like the old me. So now I'm not doing any of those things, and it seems to be working as far as making things last longer than they normally seem too. It's been almost 2 months now. But since I'm not allowing myself to let him see me as a clingy person, I feel like I'm holding everything in, trying not to show any feelings whatsoever other than the simple fact that, yeah, I like him. And I'm bottling everything up inside and it's driving me crazy. The last several entries I've been venting about the whole thing between us, but up until now, I was worried about things between us...wondering if there was something wrong or if things were going to end soon. Now I've been somewhat reassured that things are still okay with us as far as he is concerned, and I realize that what worries me isn't what's going on between us, it's what's going on inside myself. I fall WAY too fast every time I get even slightly involved with someone, and after what Nicholas did to me, I swore I wouldn't ever let someone make me feel like I was incomplete without them in my life. I'm trying to play the role of the strong, independent person who could take or leave a guy. And in reality I know that's true. If I made it through all the pain I felt over Nicholas, or more realistically, all the pain I felt over my ex-Mike, I know I really can make it through anything a guy throws at me. But then why does it all feel like an act? Like i have to PRETEND like it doesn't bother me if he can't hang out with me or I have to PRETEND that I'm too busy to call him sometimes or I have to PRETEND that I'm okay with the fact that we're just dating. Why can't I just REALLY be all those things? I mean, I guess as far as the dating thing goes, I am okay with that....but I know that I'm only okay with it because I'm holding out hoping that maybe if we're "dating" long enough, things will progress eventually. But I just want to be the type of person who really DOES have her own life to attend to and doesn't have a guy on her mind 24/7. I mean, it's not like I'm sitting by the phone every night avoiding my life because I'm hoping he'll call. I'm not THAT bad off, I do still go out with my friends and do stuff if I'm asked, even if it is a night where I think that he might call or I think that he might be free to do something. I haven't put my life on hold for him, but yet I feel like whenever I DO go do my own thing, I'm always thinking about him the whole time or hoping that I'll come home and find a message on the machine from him. I feel almost like I'm going out with friends just to prove a point, like I'm trying to say "Hey Mike, look at me, I have my own life, I'm not getting attached to you." It all feels like an act; every time I do something that I should be doing for my own good, it feels like I'm really doing it with the intention of showing him that I'm not that clingy type of girl that he hates. I guess I don't really even know what I'm bitching about anymore, because even though yes, I am holding my feelings in somewhat, I don't know exactly what it is that I think would make me feel better to get out in the open. If suddenly I was told I would be able to release all these feelings and doubts and thoughts, I don't think that I would want to anyway. I don't even know what I would want to tell him even if I did feel like I could tell him anything without him running away. It's not like I want to tell him I love him...I don't. I've thought I was "in love" with enough people in the past to know that right now I'm definitely not. I don't want to tell him that it's driving me crazy that he doesn't want to claim me as his girlfriend, because it's not driving me crazy. I'm okay with that part for now. I don't want to tell him that I want him to devote more of his time to me, because for one thing, i don't want him to ever have to feel like he's sacrificing important parts of his life in order to make me happy. I don't want him to give up his time with his friends or work or family. So I have to be content with just being squeezed in whenever those things aren't a present issue. After all, his friends, family, and job were there before I was, so I can't expect him to drop any of them to accomodate time with me. So I don't even know what it is that is bothering me. I guess like I said, I'm just afraid of my own feelings, not afraid of what is actually going on between us. I decided last time he came over that things between us felt fine; a little less intense than the first few weeks, but still fine. So I guess all I'm afraid of is that I'm letting myself get too interested in him, I'm investing too much of myself into this thing, and I'm pretty sure he's not doing the same. But I can't know that for sure either I guess, because he's big on being a mystery, so he could be falling just as fast as I am and he just has enough self control to know that he has to back off a little if he wants to slow his feelings down, whereas I don't have that self control. One minute I think "I have to be tough, I can't call him this week, I have to give myself some space before I get any more serious about this." And then the next minute I'm picking up the phone and saying "Wanna catch a movie tonight?" I just can't stay away from him, if an opportunity presents itself for us to get together, I can't tell myself no. All the advice you ever hear about in situations like this is "Get involved in other things to keep yourself busy and keep your mind off him. Guys are always more interested in girls who have their own things going on anyway. Keep yourself wrapped up in your classes, work, and friends, and you won't have as much time to think about him and then you won't have as much of a chance to become too attached to him." Well that hasn't been working too well for me. I've got plenty of other things going on in my life that keep me physically busy, but my mind always wanders back to things with Mike, no matter what I'm doing at the time. God, it would be so great if I could just develop some sort of partial amnesia that makes me forget the part of myself that is always so emotional, and start over as a person who really DOESN'T think she needs a guy. Actually, I don't think I need a guy in general, I have survived single almost my whole life, so I know I don't need a guy. But it's this guy specifically that I feel like I'd be really lost without. So I guess if I really think that I need to keep him in my life, I need to get smart here and back off before I chase him away. I guess it's like one of my favorite sayings goes:
Love is like a handful of sand. Try to grasp it too tightly and it will slip through your fingers, but hold it loosely in the palm of your hand and it will stay put.
Those probably aren't the exact words, but it's something close to that. I wish I knew where I had heard that from before, because it's really a great quote. Anyone know where that's from? If you do, leave a comment if you could, please? Thanks :)
As far as my actions go, I've changed the type of person I used to be...I am not outwardly/visably clingy, I don't call him every night, I don't expect to see him 3 or 4 times a week. The person I used to be would have done all those things in order to release some of her feelings. The old me would have sat around trying to figure out the best ways to tell him how she felt and would convince herself that things would be perfect with him if she could just convince him that they were made for each other and that she would do anything for him. But the new me knows that guys hate girls like the old me. So now I'm not doing any of those things, and it seems to be working as far as making things last longer than they normally seem too. It's been almost 2 months now. But since I'm not allowing myself to let him see me as a clingy person, I feel like I'm holding everything in, trying not to show any feelings whatsoever other than the simple fact that, yeah, I like him. And I'm bottling everything up inside and it's driving me crazy. The last several entries I've been venting about the whole thing between us, but up until now, I was worried about things between us...wondering if there was something wrong or if things were going to end soon. Now I've been somewhat reassured that things are still okay with us as far as he is concerned, and I realize that what worries me isn't what's going on between us, it's what's going on inside myself. I fall WAY too fast every time I get even slightly involved with someone, and after what Nicholas did to me, I swore I wouldn't ever let someone make me feel like I was incomplete without them in my life. I'm trying to play the role of the strong, independent person who could take or leave a guy. And in reality I know that's true. If I made it through all the pain I felt over Nicholas, or more realistically, all the pain I felt over my ex-Mike, I know I really can make it through anything a guy throws at me. But then why does it all feel like an act? Like i have to PRETEND like it doesn't bother me if he can't hang out with me or I have to PRETEND that I'm too busy to call him sometimes or I have to PRETEND that I'm okay with the fact that we're just dating. Why can't I just REALLY be all those things? I mean, I guess as far as the dating thing goes, I am okay with that....but I know that I'm only okay with it because I'm holding out hoping that maybe if we're "dating" long enough, things will progress eventually. But I just want to be the type of person who really DOES have her own life to attend to and doesn't have a guy on her mind 24/7. I mean, it's not like I'm sitting by the phone every night avoiding my life because I'm hoping he'll call. I'm not THAT bad off, I do still go out with my friends and do stuff if I'm asked, even if it is a night where I think that he might call or I think that he might be free to do something. I haven't put my life on hold for him, but yet I feel like whenever I DO go do my own thing, I'm always thinking about him the whole time or hoping that I'll come home and find a message on the machine from him. I feel almost like I'm going out with friends just to prove a point, like I'm trying to say "Hey Mike, look at me, I have my own life, I'm not getting attached to you." It all feels like an act; every time I do something that I should be doing for my own good, it feels like I'm really doing it with the intention of showing him that I'm not that clingy type of girl that he hates. I guess I don't really even know what I'm bitching about anymore, because even though yes, I am holding my feelings in somewhat, I don't know exactly what it is that I think would make me feel better to get out in the open. If suddenly I was told I would be able to release all these feelings and doubts and thoughts, I don't think that I would want to anyway. I don't even know what I would want to tell him even if I did feel like I could tell him anything without him running away. It's not like I want to tell him I love him...I don't. I've thought I was "in love" with enough people in the past to know that right now I'm definitely not. I don't want to tell him that it's driving me crazy that he doesn't want to claim me as his girlfriend, because it's not driving me crazy. I'm okay with that part for now. I don't want to tell him that I want him to devote more of his time to me, because for one thing, i don't want him to ever have to feel like he's sacrificing important parts of his life in order to make me happy. I don't want him to give up his time with his friends or work or family. So I have to be content with just being squeezed in whenever those things aren't a present issue. After all, his friends, family, and job were there before I was, so I can't expect him to drop any of them to accomodate time with me. So I don't even know what it is that is bothering me. I guess like I said, I'm just afraid of my own feelings, not afraid of what is actually going on between us. I decided last time he came over that things between us felt fine; a little less intense than the first few weeks, but still fine. So I guess all I'm afraid of is that I'm letting myself get too interested in him, I'm investing too much of myself into this thing, and I'm pretty sure he's not doing the same. But I can't know that for sure either I guess, because he's big on being a mystery, so he could be falling just as fast as I am and he just has enough self control to know that he has to back off a little if he wants to slow his feelings down, whereas I don't have that self control. One minute I think "I have to be tough, I can't call him this week, I have to give myself some space before I get any more serious about this." And then the next minute I'm picking up the phone and saying "Wanna catch a movie tonight?" I just can't stay away from him, if an opportunity presents itself for us to get together, I can't tell myself no. All the advice you ever hear about in situations like this is "Get involved in other things to keep yourself busy and keep your mind off him. Guys are always more interested in girls who have their own things going on anyway. Keep yourself wrapped up in your classes, work, and friends, and you won't have as much time to think about him and then you won't have as much of a chance to become too attached to him." Well that hasn't been working too well for me. I've got plenty of other things going on in my life that keep me physically busy, but my mind always wanders back to things with Mike, no matter what I'm doing at the time. God, it would be so great if I could just develop some sort of partial amnesia that makes me forget the part of myself that is always so emotional, and start over as a person who really DOESN'T think she needs a guy. Actually, I don't think I need a guy in general, I have survived single almost my whole life, so I know I don't need a guy. But it's this guy specifically that I feel like I'd be really lost without. So I guess if I really think that I need to keep him in my life, I need to get smart here and back off before I chase him away. I guess it's like one of my favorite sayings goes:
Love is like a handful of sand. Try to grasp it too tightly and it will slip through your fingers, but hold it loosely in the palm of your hand and it will stay put.
Those probably aren't the exact words, but it's something close to that. I wish I knew where I had heard that from before, because it's really a great quote. Anyone know where that's from? If you do, leave a comment if you could, please? Thanks :)