(no subject)
im ok now, i think...last night was horrible. i cried and yelld and even tho i know i shouldnt have, i cut myself=\ when i get like that i feel like its the only thing i have that will take all the problems away in reality and just get me focused in on ME and not anything else...i was soo scared that my dad, or mom or heather would see that i was bleeding soo i had to ware long baggy stuff till it stoppd bc i didnt want it to bleed through...=\ and now at school im wearing a long sleeve shirt and im fuckin scared that someone, anyone, might see and judge me for it. i don't do it unless i feel like there is absolutly no other choice, last night at around 12 or so i got wasted in my room (again) you know its been a bad day when your getting drunk by yourself...i feel like i cant talk to ANYBODY about anything anymore...i mean seriously. i use to have maghan that i could relate anything to and she wouldnt judge me about it, she would help me get through it and now i walk through the halls at school and my so called "click of friends" really don't know anything about me. they dont know what i have been through and what im going through right now. someone like a week or so ago told me that ive got it easy...bullshit, they have no idea what i go through once i get home. i kindof like coming to school bc i know that no one knows what goes on when i leave school but then again its sad that no one knows...i have no one...absolutly no one and that rips my heart out that i supposebly have friends that love me but they have never tried to reach out and help me. and when i think about this it makes me so mad and upset and i cant even control my feelings anymore, i will get either bitchy or emotional. and no matter what i feel i just want to tell people to fuck off. and when i say people i dont mean the people at school bc they cant even tell if im going through something or not because they really dont know me as well as they think they do...when i say people i mean my mom and dad and heather, i feel like if i died RIGHT NOW like this very second they would be the only people that would actually care enough to go to the funeral or even mourn. i know that that is not something i should be thinking about but its how i feel right now. i dont think anyone at school would actually miss me at all, they might not even notice that i was gone, and that just makes it even worse, knowing that no one would care, no one would try to stop me from making a bad choice, no one would say good things about me, no one would come to a funeral for hartley erin denson and cry...bc she is gone and there was nothing they could do about it...