Wow, what a game 3. I had plans of doing work, but the game just kept going...
Here's my column for this week.
Harsha is better than you
Onterrio Smith is again back in the news, and again for all good reasons. A mentally impaired 21-year-old woman is now suing the running back for sexual assault. That's really a measure of Onterrio's character, because when it comes to sexual assault, he doesn't discriminate against age, race, or even mental capacity. Does it surprise you that Smith plays for the Minnesota Vikings? Well, I should say played because Smith has been suspended for the season after he was caught at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport with several vials of his "cousin's" dried urine and "The Original Whizzinator," products designed to fake clean urine tests. But don't worry; Smith wasn't using them to fake NFL drug tests. He was just carrying them for his cousin, because Onterrio Smith is much more reliable than the U.S. Postal Service.
In my lifelong quest to be like Onterrio Smith, I needed to learn more about the Whizzinator. So I took a trip to their website, www.whizzinator.com. After reading their warning and entering with caution, I immediately learned that they "SELL DEHYDRATED URNIE SEPARATLEY." Thankfully, from the beginning, I knew that I could purchase dry urine, which is so important for me to know that the Whizzinator people don't even need to use proper spelling. The complete package comes with an instruction manual; the dehydrated urnie [sic] with heating packs for quick warming; and the "Original" Whizzinator itself, which is a prosthetic penis attached to a pair briefs, basically resembling a malfunctioning jock strap. To correct for skin tone differences, you can purchase your Whizzinator in five different penis colors: white, tan, brown, black, and Latino. Yes, Latino is now apparently a color. This must be what separates the "Original" Whizzinator from those inferior copies.
The Whizzinator can be purchased for the low, low price of $150. Ladies, don't feel excluded, because there is a Whizzinator for her for only $49.95. And according to the testimonials webpage, the Whizzinator helps "people stand up for their basic right to personal freedom." So yes, all of us can be like Onterrio Smith, and fight the man while we're at it.
See how the construction worker is wearing a shirt decorated with marijuana leaves? Yes, the symbolism is mind-bending.
(from whizzinator.com)
Top 10 things dumber than Onterrio Smith carrying his cousin's dehydrated urine
10. Last week was the last time we get to see USC v. Notre Dame this year.
9. Trading Tim Rattay for a 6th round draft pick. OK, I know the guy will never be a franchise quarterback, but is Alex Smith really ready to start? After all, his quarterback rating was 8.5 against the Colts. Let that sink in: 8.5.
8. Did Felix Heredia really need steroids to walk the one batter he faced every game?
7. Hanging a slider to Albert Pujols.
6. I thought it was impossible for the Bears to score more than 6 points in a game, all on safeties. Mike Tice and the Minnesota Vikings proved me wrong again.
5. Giving up a homerun to Scott Podsednik, the weakest batter in the American League.
4. Illinois's mascot appeal. Florida State's Seminole is all right because they have tribal permission. Illinois killed the Illini tribe about a century ago, so permission is irrelevant.
3. The med school intramural football that attempted to turn flag football into tackle football. Now I know why everyone hates them and why medical malpractice law is so hot right now.
2. Michelle Wie being disqualified for a 12 inch drop. Where was her caddy on that one? Probably taking a bath in the lake like Happy Gilmore's hobo caddy.
1. Eddy Curry's refusal to get a DNA test in light of the death of Atlanta Hawks reserve center Jason Collier due to heart failure. I understand privacy issues, but wouldn't you want as much information as possible on potentially life-threatening health issues?
Harsha is better than you
Onterrio Smith is again back in the news, and again for all good reasons. A mentally impaired 21-year-old woman is now suing the running back for sexual assault. That's really a measure of Onterrio's character, because when it comes to sexual assault, he doesn't discriminate against age, race, or even mental capacity. Does it surprise you that Smith plays for the Minnesota Vikings? Well, I should say played because Smith has been suspended for the season after he was caught at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport with several vials of his "cousin's" dried urine and "The Original Whizzinator," products designed to fake clean urine tests. But don't worry; Smith wasn't using them to fake NFL drug tests. He was just carrying them for his cousin, because Onterrio Smith is much more reliable than the U.S. Postal Service.
In my lifelong quest to be like Onterrio Smith, I needed to learn more about the Whizzinator. So I took a trip to their website, www.whizzinator.com. After reading their warning and entering with caution, I immediately learned that they "SELL DEHYDRATED URNIE SEPARATLEY." Thankfully, from the beginning, I knew that I could purchase dry urine, which is so important for me to know that the Whizzinator people don't even need to use proper spelling. The complete package comes with an instruction manual; the dehydrated urnie [sic] with heating packs for quick warming; and the "Original" Whizzinator itself, which is a prosthetic penis attached to a pair briefs, basically resembling a malfunctioning jock strap. To correct for skin tone differences, you can purchase your Whizzinator in five different penis colors: white, tan, brown, black, and Latino. Yes, Latino is now apparently a color. This must be what separates the "Original" Whizzinator from those inferior copies.
The Whizzinator can be purchased for the low, low price of $150. Ladies, don't feel excluded, because there is a Whizzinator for her for only $49.95. And according to the testimonials webpage, the Whizzinator helps "people stand up for their basic right to personal freedom." So yes, all of us can be like Onterrio Smith, and fight the man while we're at it.
See how the construction worker is wearing a shirt decorated with marijuana leaves? Yes, the symbolism is mind-bending.
(from whizzinator.com)
Top 10 things dumber than Onterrio Smith carrying his cousin's dehydrated urine
10. Last week was the last time we get to see USC v. Notre Dame this year.
9. Trading Tim Rattay for a 6th round draft pick. OK, I know the guy will never be a franchise quarterback, but is Alex Smith really ready to start? After all, his quarterback rating was 8.5 against the Colts. Let that sink in: 8.5.
8. Did Felix Heredia really need steroids to walk the one batter he faced every game?
7. Hanging a slider to Albert Pujols.
6. I thought it was impossible for the Bears to score more than 6 points in a game, all on safeties. Mike Tice and the Minnesota Vikings proved me wrong again.
5. Giving up a homerun to Scott Podsednik, the weakest batter in the American League.
4. Illinois's mascot appeal. Florida State's Seminole is all right because they have tribal permission. Illinois killed the Illini tribe about a century ago, so permission is irrelevant.
3. The med school intramural football that attempted to turn flag football into tackle football. Now I know why everyone hates them and why medical malpractice law is so hot right now.
2. Michelle Wie being disqualified for a 12 inch drop. Where was her caddy on that one? Probably taking a bath in the lake like Happy Gilmore's hobo caddy.
1. Eddy Curry's refusal to get a DNA test in light of the death of Atlanta Hawks reserve center Jason Collier due to heart failure. I understand privacy issues, but wouldn't you want as much information as possible on potentially life-threatening health issues?