be warned highly emotional bitching ahead
so yeah I never got around to finishing the rest of the 30 day things....i will soonish hopefully but right now i just need to bitch so feel free to skip this its just this is the one place i can go to that my family can't read and i dont feel like im irritating anyone because it doesn't go to anyone's phone or whatever.
But seriously im so fucking annoyed right now i dont know why i even attempt to come home to my moms house anymore. I brought home my brand new mini laptop because i have homework due and its impossible to get on a computer at my moms house. Now i just got a new desktop my brother built it for me and i love it and its the computer i prefer to use. but im a college student and i figured it was logical to have a laptop so im not relying on someone elses computer when im not at my apartment. Now i bought this laptop with my own money I worked from 9-6 basically every day for two weeks and now have a job m/t/th for the rest of the semester. I have this on top of 5 classes and a lab. I dont have bills i pay for my apartment with my financial aid and my mom pays the 10 bucks a month so i have a cell phone. So basically all the money i make is mine to do with what i want i buy groceries or save it or whatever. But i just dont see what the big deal is with me buying a 300 dollar laptop when its helping me with school work and im going to get my 300 dollars out of it.
But oh no no no its a HUGE fucking deal to my older sister and mother. i just dont get it its my fucking money mine not yours i dont make comments about the stupid shit you guys blow money on or the fact that my older sister hoards her money away and plays the woe is me im so broke even though i have over 8000 in the bank card. I dont say anything to her about how she lets our mother support her and her two kids and all she pays is the renters insurance and groceries but what she buys doesnt even count since she only buys food for herself and her kids/boyfriend. and her boyfriend pays only 250 a month and that doesnt even cover the increase in rent my mom got from having to find a house big enough to fit all of them after Amber couldnt get her own house.
But i swear to God I can not do anything right where my mother is concerned it is so infuriating and i'd like to be like im done trying but there is always going to be a part of me that wants her to realize i exist as something more than just the kid shes always irritated with. and the thing is i just dont get it I'm in college, i live on my own, i dont ask her for money for anything the only thing i rely on her for is my phone bill and she want me to have the phone so she has a way to get ahold of me and so im not phoneless, I come home to her house to see her even though i have no room or bed here and barely get any sleep and am miserable the whole fucking time im here, but i come home paste a smile on my face for her so she can see me because heaven forbid i go to my dads house where i live during the summer where i have a room and things and can sleep because i dont have people up until 1 am and then awake at 5 not caring if they wake me up even though its not like i want to be sleeping on the fucking couch.
if you were to ask my mom though i ALWAYS go to my dads always which is fucking bull shit and i finally said that to her last weekend. Im almost always am at my moms because im like if i go to dads mom is gonna be pissed. so i come here and within minutes my whole mindset changes im angry and irritated and miserable and easily annoyed and just unhappy. I really think its almost impossible to be happy here since every person who lives in this house is a miserable person. I hate feeling like that too i mean in every day life am i easily irritated yeah but its not the same because at my moms home its a infuriated irritation where it consumes me and all of a sudden im back to being a teenager stuck in her house wanting nothing more then to get out to my dads where for once id be happy and free with the parent who understands im my own person and deserve to make my own choices and not be ridiculed for them.
Hell my dad is the one who drove me to pick up my laptop he thought it was a good idea. He lets me be me and he loves me for it but more importantly he likes me for it he doesnt make me feel bad for anything, he doesnt try and tell me what i can and cant do with my own property, he doesnt make me feel like a horrible person if i dont spend time with him, he understand that when im home for a weekend from college i have friends from back home that would like to see me too. My mom only wants me to sit at home and do nothing, it doesnt matter if shes at work and im in the house alone or shes in the backroom smoking and we arent even speaking if i even think about seeing a friend going to their house or having them over she flips the fuck out and is like i dont bring you home to see your friends if you want to come home for your friends have them come pick you up. My dad i just have to ask him if he can drive me somewhere to see a friend and if he isnt busy he does it without saying anything about him coming to get me. and yet my mom wonders why im a daddy's girl, why i prefer spending time with him 98% of the time. I'm free and happy when im with my dad. I'm a caged miserable angry bird when im at my moms and the worst part is thats the way she wants me.
I just need to get some sleep make it through to saturday night and maybe go to my dads for the night or find a way home to Ypsi. Im exhausted mentaly, physically and emotionally right now. Im not even going to get a honest day to relax this weekend unless i find a way home saturday. I just need some me time i havent had any in awhile because i dont count sitting alone at work me time because i cant just relax and vege or do whatever i want at work lol. now if only my sister and her stupid bf would go to bed so i could get to bed i seriously feel like if i were in my bed in ypsi or even my bed at my dads i could sleep this whole weeked away and id be better off for it. But im home for my nieces they made it to state sin cheerleading and they wanted me there and im an amazing aunt so i said id go knowing what i was probably gonna have to deal with. and i also have to come home next weekend too cuz its my nece Haileys 6th bithday party. Its bad ive been thinking of faking having the flu so that i can say i shouldnt come home and get everyone sick.
*sigh* Im sorry for all the bitching and moanign to any of you who actually wasted your time reading this. I think thye are all in be now so im going to attempt to get some sleep. I really will try to update more but my laid back semester became a super busy one and i cant promise anything. which is crazy because if i wasnt in such a bad mood and wasnt so tired i would have so many amazing things to write about and so many different little updates about my life and you know i may need to make time to write those because id like to talk about some of those things especially some of the things that make me reall happy and take the sting out of weekends like this.
well goodnight all my friends who were brave enough...crazy enough..amazing enough to fully read this. I hope youre having a better time than i am right now :) sorry for all the spelling/grammatical errors im too tired to attempt fixing them right now
But seriously im so fucking annoyed right now i dont know why i even attempt to come home to my moms house anymore. I brought home my brand new mini laptop because i have homework due and its impossible to get on a computer at my moms house. Now i just got a new desktop my brother built it for me and i love it and its the computer i prefer to use. but im a college student and i figured it was logical to have a laptop so im not relying on someone elses computer when im not at my apartment. Now i bought this laptop with my own money I worked from 9-6 basically every day for two weeks and now have a job m/t/th for the rest of the semester. I have this on top of 5 classes and a lab. I dont have bills i pay for my apartment with my financial aid and my mom pays the 10 bucks a month so i have a cell phone. So basically all the money i make is mine to do with what i want i buy groceries or save it or whatever. But i just dont see what the big deal is with me buying a 300 dollar laptop when its helping me with school work and im going to get my 300 dollars out of it.
But oh no no no its a HUGE fucking deal to my older sister and mother. i just dont get it its my fucking money mine not yours i dont make comments about the stupid shit you guys blow money on or the fact that my older sister hoards her money away and plays the woe is me im so broke even though i have over 8000 in the bank card. I dont say anything to her about how she lets our mother support her and her two kids and all she pays is the renters insurance and groceries but what she buys doesnt even count since she only buys food for herself and her kids/boyfriend. and her boyfriend pays only 250 a month and that doesnt even cover the increase in rent my mom got from having to find a house big enough to fit all of them after Amber couldnt get her own house.
But i swear to God I can not do anything right where my mother is concerned it is so infuriating and i'd like to be like im done trying but there is always going to be a part of me that wants her to realize i exist as something more than just the kid shes always irritated with. and the thing is i just dont get it I'm in college, i live on my own, i dont ask her for money for anything the only thing i rely on her for is my phone bill and she want me to have the phone so she has a way to get ahold of me and so im not phoneless, I come home to her house to see her even though i have no room or bed here and barely get any sleep and am miserable the whole fucking time im here, but i come home paste a smile on my face for her so she can see me because heaven forbid i go to my dads house where i live during the summer where i have a room and things and can sleep because i dont have people up until 1 am and then awake at 5 not caring if they wake me up even though its not like i want to be sleeping on the fucking couch.
if you were to ask my mom though i ALWAYS go to my dads always which is fucking bull shit and i finally said that to her last weekend. Im almost always am at my moms because im like if i go to dads mom is gonna be pissed. so i come here and within minutes my whole mindset changes im angry and irritated and miserable and easily annoyed and just unhappy. I really think its almost impossible to be happy here since every person who lives in this house is a miserable person. I hate feeling like that too i mean in every day life am i easily irritated yeah but its not the same because at my moms home its a infuriated irritation where it consumes me and all of a sudden im back to being a teenager stuck in her house wanting nothing more then to get out to my dads where for once id be happy and free with the parent who understands im my own person and deserve to make my own choices and not be ridiculed for them.
Hell my dad is the one who drove me to pick up my laptop he thought it was a good idea. He lets me be me and he loves me for it but more importantly he likes me for it he doesnt make me feel bad for anything, he doesnt try and tell me what i can and cant do with my own property, he doesnt make me feel like a horrible person if i dont spend time with him, he understand that when im home for a weekend from college i have friends from back home that would like to see me too. My mom only wants me to sit at home and do nothing, it doesnt matter if shes at work and im in the house alone or shes in the backroom smoking and we arent even speaking if i even think about seeing a friend going to their house or having them over she flips the fuck out and is like i dont bring you home to see your friends if you want to come home for your friends have them come pick you up. My dad i just have to ask him if he can drive me somewhere to see a friend and if he isnt busy he does it without saying anything about him coming to get me. and yet my mom wonders why im a daddy's girl, why i prefer spending time with him 98% of the time. I'm free and happy when im with my dad. I'm a caged miserable angry bird when im at my moms and the worst part is thats the way she wants me.
I just need to get some sleep make it through to saturday night and maybe go to my dads for the night or find a way home to Ypsi. Im exhausted mentaly, physically and emotionally right now. Im not even going to get a honest day to relax this weekend unless i find a way home saturday. I just need some me time i havent had any in awhile because i dont count sitting alone at work me time because i cant just relax and vege or do whatever i want at work lol. now if only my sister and her stupid bf would go to bed so i could get to bed i seriously feel like if i were in my bed in ypsi or even my bed at my dads i could sleep this whole weeked away and id be better off for it. But im home for my nieces they made it to state sin cheerleading and they wanted me there and im an amazing aunt so i said id go knowing what i was probably gonna have to deal with. and i also have to come home next weekend too cuz its my nece Haileys 6th bithday party. Its bad ive been thinking of faking having the flu so that i can say i shouldnt come home and get everyone sick.
*sigh* Im sorry for all the bitching and moanign to any of you who actually wasted your time reading this. I think thye are all in be now so im going to attempt to get some sleep. I really will try to update more but my laid back semester became a super busy one and i cant promise anything. which is crazy because if i wasnt in such a bad mood and wasnt so tired i would have so many amazing things to write about and so many different little updates about my life and you know i may need to make time to write those because id like to talk about some of those things especially some of the things that make me reall happy and take the sting out of weekends like this.
well goodnight all my friends who were brave enough...crazy enough..amazing enough to fully read this. I hope youre having a better time than i am right now :) sorry for all the spelling/grammatical errors im too tired to attempt fixing them right now