(no subject)
Howdy folks,
As you all know, I've become depressed over the past few months, which is something that I am not happy about. I want to get better, I miss the old me. Robyn, who has had immense patience in helping me (even got me a kitten), has recommended that I start keeping a journal of my feelings. So tomorrow I'm going to get one. There's a lot of stuff about myself that I'm scared to share with anyone, and it's taken a long time for me to start to share them with Robyn. But there's a few things I need to get out. That if I was with you all in person, I'd stand up and announce in a loud voice.
1. My mother abused me. She'd tell me I wasn't good enough. She's revel in beating me. She'd pull me by my hair. She beat down my own self esteem, and just as I started coming to grips with this fact, she died. I had to face the fact that I knew my mom had less than a month left, and that I could either confront her- which she would deny, screaming, then cry, then apologize, then deny, etc, making me feel like the worst child ever- or I could not. I could choose not to confront her. To tell her I loved her and let her die in peace. Leave it to the living to deal. And that's what I did. I've never had a conversation with my father about it. Just last week we got the closest to him actually giving vocal acknowledgment. There are so many things inside me that my mother is responsible for. I will have to deal with them, one at a time. But for right now, I'm putting a head on the pin. So there it is.
2. I have trust issues. Every single person I have ever trusted with personal secrets and have extended a part of my self to has betrayed me. I'm not kidding- EVERY single one. This has effected my abilities to trust anyone. I'm not as close to my friends. I always keep a part of me. I never give all of myself. I've learned that I'm disposable. And that has made me approach every person in my life (with the exception of my father, mother, sister, and now Robyn) as someone who will leave me. Who won't last. Who is also disposable. I hate that. I used to give so much of myself- but the thing is I never got anything back. My mother died this year. DIED. And the people I thought of as, oh hell, my friends, didn't call. Didn't stop by. Didn't do a damn thing. I was thrown away without a single reflection. These people I thought at least cared for me. That hurt...so...so deeply. It's something that a simple apology isn't going to fix.
(NOTE: Rachel, Steve, you guys are so not these people I'm mad at- in fact- none of the people reading this are. These people are my college friends and my home town friends, none of whom are on LJ).
ok, I'm wiped. I can't keep going.
Please understand that this is not my vying to get confirmation of what a nice person I am, or that there are people out there that care for me. I need you all to understand that the sole reason I write this is that it's something that I've got to just say. My secrets I don't want to bear any more. I'm not asking for the sharing of a burden. Just an ear. Just recognition that I'm not the only one who knows.
As you all know, I've become depressed over the past few months, which is something that I am not happy about. I want to get better, I miss the old me. Robyn, who has had immense patience in helping me (even got me a kitten), has recommended that I start keeping a journal of my feelings. So tomorrow I'm going to get one. There's a lot of stuff about myself that I'm scared to share with anyone, and it's taken a long time for me to start to share them with Robyn. But there's a few things I need to get out. That if I was with you all in person, I'd stand up and announce in a loud voice.
1. My mother abused me. She'd tell me I wasn't good enough. She's revel in beating me. She'd pull me by my hair. She beat down my own self esteem, and just as I started coming to grips with this fact, she died. I had to face the fact that I knew my mom had less than a month left, and that I could either confront her- which she would deny, screaming, then cry, then apologize, then deny, etc, making me feel like the worst child ever- or I could not. I could choose not to confront her. To tell her I loved her and let her die in peace. Leave it to the living to deal. And that's what I did. I've never had a conversation with my father about it. Just last week we got the closest to him actually giving vocal acknowledgment. There are so many things inside me that my mother is responsible for. I will have to deal with them, one at a time. But for right now, I'm putting a head on the pin. So there it is.
2. I have trust issues. Every single person I have ever trusted with personal secrets and have extended a part of my self to has betrayed me. I'm not kidding- EVERY single one. This has effected my abilities to trust anyone. I'm not as close to my friends. I always keep a part of me. I never give all of myself. I've learned that I'm disposable. And that has made me approach every person in my life (with the exception of my father, mother, sister, and now Robyn) as someone who will leave me. Who won't last. Who is also disposable. I hate that. I used to give so much of myself- but the thing is I never got anything back. My mother died this year. DIED. And the people I thought of as, oh hell, my friends, didn't call. Didn't stop by. Didn't do a damn thing. I was thrown away without a single reflection. These people I thought at least cared for me. That hurt...so...so deeply. It's something that a simple apology isn't going to fix.
(NOTE: Rachel, Steve, you guys are so not these people I'm mad at- in fact- none of the people reading this are. These people are my college friends and my home town friends, none of whom are on LJ).
ok, I'm wiped. I can't keep going.
Please understand that this is not my vying to get confirmation of what a nice person I am, or that there are people out there that care for me. I need you all to understand that the sole reason I write this is that it's something that I've got to just say. My secrets I don't want to bear any more. I'm not asking for the sharing of a burden. Just an ear. Just recognition that I'm not the only one who knows.