Uneaten
Went to visit my mother. She was extremely concerned with how I looked and talked to me a lot about my weight. She said that both she and her sister used to be underweight as well (under what weight? We’re all under 5”4. What’re we supposed to weigh?) and that she would forget to eat.
I didn’t know how to explain to her my issues with food. First, there’s the piscan vegetarian thing. Then there’s the fact that I’m not too fond of vegetables either. Most of the time, when I eat, I’ve got to distract myself, too, or else I can’t eat more than a few bites. Also, I can’t eat if I’m tired, upset, angry, extremely sad, anxious, too cold, or too warm. Iunno- I just don’t really like food, I guess! Feeling full is not comfortable for me.
Anyway, I promised her I’d do something about it, but that didn’t stop my mom from actually walking to her closet and crying. Actually crying because she saw me stepping out of my dress pants. I should’ve known it was a bad idea for her to see my legs- they’re the worst of the lot in this issue. She said she couldn’t stand to see me that way. Now that’s something; when your own ma is crying because of you.
I need to do something about eating, and I spoke to my doctor about it. I've got some foods I'm supposed to eat, protein powder I'm supposed to put into drinks and have twice a day. Supposed to set phone alarms to eat and carry food with me wherever I go. That's sort of a problem for a person who seems to have "food osmosis" and who will often get full just by cooking something.
At the moment, I’m finishing up on a journal entry about body type from what I suppose many people would call a “privileged perspective”. I want to put up a warning about this entry beforehand because I’m going to be talking very, very openly about being skinny. And that’s a tough subject to write about because thinness is openly celebrated in the first world. I know it is, honestly I do. I can’t imagine what it’d be like if it was considered ok to openly ridicule something about myself...
Alright, abort sentence, start a new. I seriously didn’t mean for that to be snarky!
What I mean to say is that I can’t imagine if there was something about me that was a constant target of taunting without consequence. If the thing I was struggling with was all over newspapers and magazines with “here’s how to fix it!”. If people could joke about it without fear of being called a bigoted, closed minded Fred Phelps. Hell, people who are ”big” don’t get told “You’re so brave, I am your ally”, do they? They don’t get any support because you can’t tell just by looking at someone if their weight is because of genetics or something else.
So, I do know that it isn’t easy for the opposite end of the spectrum. I just want to talk about the difficulties that do happen over here, Not begrudge anyone for their body. I’m writing what I know.
I didn’t know how to explain to her my issues with food. First, there’s the piscan vegetarian thing. Then there’s the fact that I’m not too fond of vegetables either. Most of the time, when I eat, I’ve got to distract myself, too, or else I can’t eat more than a few bites. Also, I can’t eat if I’m tired, upset, angry, extremely sad, anxious, too cold, or too warm. Iunno- I just don’t really like food, I guess! Feeling full is not comfortable for me.
Anyway, I promised her I’d do something about it, but that didn’t stop my mom from actually walking to her closet and crying. Actually crying because she saw me stepping out of my dress pants. I should’ve known it was a bad idea for her to see my legs- they’re the worst of the lot in this issue. She said she couldn’t stand to see me that way. Now that’s something; when your own ma is crying because of you.
I need to do something about eating, and I spoke to my doctor about it. I've got some foods I'm supposed to eat, protein powder I'm supposed to put into drinks and have twice a day. Supposed to set phone alarms to eat and carry food with me wherever I go. That's sort of a problem for a person who seems to have "food osmosis" and who will often get full just by cooking something.
At the moment, I’m finishing up on a journal entry about body type from what I suppose many people would call a “privileged perspective”. I want to put up a warning about this entry beforehand because I’m going to be talking very, very openly about being skinny. And that’s a tough subject to write about because thinness is openly celebrated in the first world. I know it is, honestly I do. I can’t imagine what it’d be like if it was considered ok to openly ridicule something about myself...
Alright, abort sentence, start a new. I seriously didn’t mean for that to be snarky!
What I mean to say is that I can’t imagine if there was something about me that was a constant target of taunting without consequence. If the thing I was struggling with was all over newspapers and magazines with “here’s how to fix it!”. If people could joke about it without fear of being called a bigoted, closed minded Fred Phelps. Hell, people who are ”big” don’t get told “You’re so brave, I am your ally”, do they? They don’t get any support because you can’t tell just by looking at someone if their weight is because of genetics or something else.
So, I do know that it isn’t easy for the opposite end of the spectrum. I just want to talk about the difficulties that do happen over here, Not begrudge anyone for their body. I’m writing what I know.