You should probably not read this.
I'm not sure what gave me the idea that it's not okay for me to be happy, but I can't seem to shake it. Sure, I don't go around crying at random anymore (....as much...), but somehow everytime I start to enjoy something, but mind just says, "How can you dare to enjoy this without him?" Even though there's other guys around that maybe I should consider giving a chance, and as much as I want to not be lonely anymore, it just seems wrong. Just like it seems wrong every time I smile.
If healing equals learning to deal and get through the day, then yeah, I'm healing.
It's hard to enjoy where I am when it seems that every building, every inch of sidewalk, every room is so full of memories. It was bad enough when I had some sad memories and some happy, equally mixed, but now that it's the happy ones that hurt worse...... I just don't want to be here anymore.
And yet, I have nowhere else to go, and I'm not sure I would leave these remembrances even if I could.
I thought I would never be alone, never without a best friend... but I am. I thought I could forget broken promises... but I can't. I'm so afraid to even try to be friends with him, and with anybody else, for that matter. If I care for someone else, I risk losing them, and even though I know that's a normal part of life, it seems like more than I can really handle right now. So, I'm just going to hide in my room all day, stare at the myriad things he let behind here and act like it's all good. As far as I can tell, this is as good as it gets.
And now that I've thoroughly depressed myself and possibly others it's time to go pretend like I'm doing homework.
If healing equals learning to deal and get through the day, then yeah, I'm healing.
It's hard to enjoy where I am when it seems that every building, every inch of sidewalk, every room is so full of memories. It was bad enough when I had some sad memories and some happy, equally mixed, but now that it's the happy ones that hurt worse...... I just don't want to be here anymore.
And yet, I have nowhere else to go, and I'm not sure I would leave these remembrances even if I could.
I thought I would never be alone, never without a best friend... but I am. I thought I could forget broken promises... but I can't. I'm so afraid to even try to be friends with him, and with anybody else, for that matter. If I care for someone else, I risk losing them, and even though I know that's a normal part of life, it seems like more than I can really handle right now. So, I'm just going to hide in my room all day, stare at the myriad things he let behind here and act like it's all good. As far as I can tell, this is as good as it gets.
And now that I've thoroughly depressed myself and possibly others it's time to go pretend like I'm doing homework.