Musings on the Male/Female Dichotomy
Disclaimer: The following blog is full of generalizations and obviously doesn't apply to everyone. What I'm about to describe is based on my general observations of male vs. female behavior. It's not about you. :)
This morning I engaged in a political debate with a girlfriend of mine. It was one of those "hot topic" issues that people tend to feel passionately about one way or the other - Gun Control. This took place on a FB status. We both stated our opinions, addressed eachother's opposing arguments respectfully, agreed to disagree, and followed up the conversation with some friendly chat about video games and parenting. Totally civil throughout, and sans insults or aggressive attempts to change eachother's point of view. When engaging in a similar debate with a male acquaintance recently, I was personally attacked, relentlessly interrogated, and basically faced with someone who was not at all interested in hearing my thoughts, only wanting to WIN WIN WIN the argument.
I'm about to embark on the very intimidating journey of Bringing Up a Boy. I was twelve when my sister was born, and had a hand in raising her. Girls are easy! Perhaps we can be a bit melodramatic at times, and my sister certainly had her difficult moments, but overall I understood her. I spoke her language. The hormones coursing through our bodies were the same, and though some of our behaviors varied, for the most part we were both, well... 100% female.
Boys on the other hand, are a mystery to me. I don't understand the innate aggressiveness that comes with testosterone. I CAN'T understand it, because I don't have it (well, we all have SOME, but you know what I mean). Recently I was discussing this with a friend of mine who has two boys, and she admitted "the boy/girl differences show themselves fairly early, and it can be mind-boggling. For example, sometimes I can't help but wonder, 'why does my two year old son feel compelled to throw himself across the room? Girls don't do that!'"
How does a mother find that balance between allowing her son to become who he naturally will become, and teaching him to be a smart, respectful, civilized, forward-thinking, compassionate man? I mean, will I be able to teach him how to be someone who can engage in a political debate without turning it into a personal battle and generally acting like an asshole? Will I be able to teach him to respect and honor women? Will I be able to make him understand why nurturing your intellect will make you more powerful than brute force ever will?
Cody jokingly asked me what if our son ends up being a football player. I jokingly replied "that's fine, as long as it doesn't get in the way of his physics research and classical concert tours." Neither of us are athletic. I think I maybe hit a ball with a bat once. Maybe. Not sure Cody ever has. ;) I can't help wondering who this little guy will become. What if he IS into football? I mean, how much of a person's make-up is genetic, and how much is simply hormones/gender, and how much is behavioral nurturing? Are Cody and I going to, at 40-something years old, have to learn how to play sports?? Dear gods.
As I was browsing through nursery bedding yesterday, I skimmed past the blue cars, the sports themes, the trains and trucks, and came across a really sweet Classic Pooh themed set in muted pastels. I love it. I asked my best friend if by purchasing this set, I was ensuring my son would become gay. She assured me this was not so. But this sort of illustrates my point. I don't want to feminize my son, but neither do I want to stick him with a stereotype just because of his gender. I love the sweetness, the innocence, and the imaginativeness of Pooh and Christopher Robin. I don't think his room should be covered with basketballs just because he's born a boy. I want to surround him with the Hundred Acre Wood, with friendly animals, beautiful trees, flying birds, stars on the ceiling, and the wonders of the natural world.
I guess what it comes down to is suddenly every choice I make seems like it will affect him in some way (though admittedly chances are my choice of nursery decor won't make that much of a difference in the long term). It's scary and confusing, all the moreso because he's a boy. I don't expect to be a perfect mother... I just pray I'm a good one and do more good for him than I do damage.
I envision a world where people behave like my Gun Control-debating friend and I. A society where harmony is the norm, and unnecessary cruelty is frowned upon. Where differences of opinions, of race, of gender, of religious beliefs, of ethic cultures, etc. are honored and acknowledged and accepted without fear or hatred. I know that we are far from that world. But I don't think I can help but strive to teach my son to be a part of that world, however far away it may be. I believe teaching our children to create a world of peace is the only way it will ever be achieved.Idealistic? Perhaps. I just hope I can do it.