...long after the thrill of living is gone
I'm depressed. Really depressed. I feel empty and hopeless and like life is pointless. While at the same time I'm trying not to let anyone else realize I feel this way. There are a lot of reasons why I feel this way. Partly it's my health, partly its poverty, and partly it is disappointment. I'm disappointed in myself, in my life, and in many of the people who I should be able to rely on. I'm in constant pain for months now and living with someone who literally tortures me in a way. They say they don't mean to but they add so much extra pain and stress each day that it is hard for me to see how it isn't at least partially intentional.
I'm not suicidal but I'm not concerned with my life anymore either. I wouldn't mind at this point if I passsed away or I was killed. My biggest concern is more about trying to alliviate pain in the meantime.
I can't talk to anyone about this. 1- because no one wants that burden. 2- because they would just say a lot of the standard things and it won't help so there is no point. I know they would say things will get better but it has been my experience that things in my life don't get better. Not only do they not get better for me but I feel like I pull those around me down with me too. For most people I think "things will get better" is good advice but for some of us...well we just seem to live unfortunate lives.
I don't want people I know to be upset or sad so I fake happiness and make light of things. When in reality I feel like a huge fake for doing it. It's making me push people away. Well, that and the pain is. I find talking to people almost unbearable these days....I can't even describe the pain in my head anymore it has gotten so bad, and honestly no one can relate and no one wants to really hear about it anyway.
I just want the pain, poverty, and emptiness to be over with...anyway possible.
I'm not suicidal but I'm not concerned with my life anymore either. I wouldn't mind at this point if I passsed away or I was killed. My biggest concern is more about trying to alliviate pain in the meantime.
I can't talk to anyone about this. 1- because no one wants that burden. 2- because they would just say a lot of the standard things and it won't help so there is no point. I know they would say things will get better but it has been my experience that things in my life don't get better. Not only do they not get better for me but I feel like I pull those around me down with me too. For most people I think "things will get better" is good advice but for some of us...well we just seem to live unfortunate lives.
I don't want people I know to be upset or sad so I fake happiness and make light of things. When in reality I feel like a huge fake for doing it. It's making me push people away. Well, that and the pain is. I find talking to people almost unbearable these days....I can't even describe the pain in my head anymore it has gotten so bad, and honestly no one can relate and no one wants to really hear about it anyway.
I just want the pain, poverty, and emptiness to be over with...anyway possible.