Iron Fist and Wolverine Crack
Today, while procrastinating homework, I had the dubious pleasure of skimming the 2001 Iron Fist and Wolverine miniseries: The Return of K'un Lun (by Jay Faerber, art by Jamal Igle). It is... every bit as bad as you would imagine, in plot, dialogue, and art, but it contained enough Luke/Danny action (and some bonus Steve/Tony action!) that I had to keep skimming to the end.
Here's an example:
And now, I'm going to share a scan-filled summary with all of you, my lovely flist, so that you can all view the slash and the crack without having to read the whole horrendous four issues. 24 big images can be found beneath the cut. Dial-uppers, you have been warned.
Doesn't that cover inspire confidence? Where are Logan's calves? And why are they apparently being attacked by flying CDs? (Also, this is probably the least hideous art in the whole thing, so enjoy it while it lasts.)
We open with Luke, Danny, and Misty enjoying a nice OT3 afternoon in Central Park. Some other guy has stolen Danny's Iron Fist powers, but, for the most part, he's doing pretty well.
Though it's not so bad in this picture, throughout the mini, Misty looks distressingly like Luke's mini-me. But I guess Danny is ok with this. It just means he has a type.
While they're in the park, Danny starts to hallucinate K'un Lun, and his dead mother. What he doesn't hallucinate are a whole bunch of Hand ninjas, who appear to rip off Luke's shirt (of course), kidnap Misty, and put Luke into a coma with poison gas.
Oh, the love, it's palpable. Oh, the art, it burns.
So Danny goes to Japan to rescue Misty, kick the Hand's ass, and get back at the dude who stole his powers. When he gets there, he runs into Wolverine - as you do - and they fight some ninjas together, then have an inconsequential meeting with the Kingpin, which I didn't read. He's basically just there so the book can have more guest stars (not that it needs it, as you'll soon see.)
I have no idea why Wolverine needs help stepping out of a boat, but it's nice to know that Danny has good manners.
So, all of a sudden, a wall begins to rise up around Tokyo. Turns out, Kun L'un is trying to merge with earth, because of something or other that Danny tried to do once upon a time (as mentioned in the tl;dr dialogue in that hospital scan). This... basically will suck for everyone. And is somehow also the fault of the dude who stole Danny's powers. I don't know the full details; I only skimmed. But I doubt you care about this plot any more than I do.
So now we're in the next issue, and there's a gratuitous Cap guest appearance! Because everyone loves Cap. Especially Logan, who feels the need to comment on Cap's scent not once but twice over the course of this mini. Also, I love that Logan is totally up for debriefing as long as there's coffee. He's a cheap date.
Meanwhile: gratuitous Tony appearance! Because his girlfriend is Japanese, see, so she has to be involved! I'll note that Rumiko, from what I could tell, is... never mentioned for the rest of the series. She's just a cheap excuse to get Tony to come to Japan.
More completely and utterly gratuitous guest appearances!
So Tony shows up, seemingly just because Cap called him. Seriously, the Rumiko thing was really pasted on. Far be it from me to deny myself some OTP moments, but it would be nice if the girl was more than an unnecessary plot device.
(I love Logan's expression and position here. I like to imagine he's saying "*cough*boyfriends*cough*".)
Also, Sunfire is there. (Though at least that guest appearance makes sense.)
And then Luke, apparently healed from his toxic gas problem, shows up too, because he certainly isn't about to miss out on saving his boyfriend and his boyfriend's girlfriend.
Also, somewhere in here, Logan calls Psylocke. He figured she deserved the chance to kick some Hand ass, too. And, hey, the more the merrier, right?
So, all the heroes are outside the wall. Danny, Misty, the guy who stole Danny's powers, and the entire populations of Tokyo and K'un Lun are inside the wall. So the heroes have to try to get in. Unfortunately, Sunfire turns against them when he realizes it's already an American hero's fault that this is happening. (Sunfire switches sides? Who saw that coming!) So Cap beats him up, and then Sunfire's ninja cronies attack, so Cap and some SHIELD agents decide to take care of them while the rest of the heroes go inside the wall.
Oh, Tony. You love your boyfriend so much.
Meanwhile, we cut to a SHIELD briefing:
AUGH. Sharon, what has this artist done to you?
(And can I also take a moment to mention that, every time I read stuff from the era where Sharon was head of SHIELD, I become more and more upset with what she's been reduced to in the current comics? I'm not sure whether to be angry with Faustus, Brubaker, or both. She was so competent!)
Our ragtag band of heroes fights the ninjas. Luke takes some time out to hit on Psylocke. Hey, he may be on his way to rescue his boyfriend, but Luke will never turn down the chance for a little hanky panky on the side.
So, Logan decides to go rescue Danny and Misty himself, while everyone else fights the ninjas and mind-controlled dragons (oh, yes, there are mind-controlled dragons). Luke wants to come with. Logan says no.
Logan has been alive (and around the X-Men) long enough to realize that people do really dumb things when they're trying to protect their lovers.
So, Logan goes to get Danny. Meanwhile, the Iron Fist power stealer has emerged, and Luke, seeing him, decides to prove Logan's point:
Danny, Logan, and Misty choose this moment to emerge from the sewers.
Apparently, it's a rule that all Iron Fists must hit on Luke Cage. (Seriously, what is with the chin-grabbing?)
So, Luke gets knocked out, and Danny worries. But Betsy manages to lift Luke to a safe space.
Awww. I love how concerned they both are for each other.
So, Danny starts fighting, too. And then we get this creepy Logan panel:
Who could he be talking about, whose scent makes him leer?
Why, Cap, of course! (Who has convinced Sunfire and his ninjas to return to the side of good.) Dear Marvel: Cap/Logan is a squicky pairing. Stop accidentally writing it.
Luckily, the writer seems to recover his sanity a moment later, as he immediately puts Tony in mortal danger, so that Cap can be terrified and run to his rescue:
Ah, yes. All is right with the world again.
So, the battle comes to a climax. Plot stuff happens that I don't understand because if I actually read all of the dialogue in this comic my brain would dribble out my ears, and no one wants that. But the long and short of it is: if one of the Iron Fists (Danny or the usurper) dies, K'un Lun will go back to where it's supposed to be. And... Danny gets himself stabbed through the heart. By his uncle (don't ask). So usurper!Iron Fist decides to get his ass out of there before he dies, too.
K'un Lun fades out of Tokyo. Cap makes sure his boyfriend is ok, complete with gratuitous touching:
But Danny is not faring so well. Misty (who, I must note, has been kicking all kinds of ass since she emerged from the sewers with Danny to join the battle) starts sobbing over Danny's body. Then Luke recovers from being knocked out and rushes over from where Psylocke had sent him.
Oh, it's all very sad. But hope is not lost! Because Danny begins to hallucinate his dead mom again! And she tells him that it's not his time to go! You see, he still has family here. (God, now I'm imagining Danny's mother as Newsies!Teddy Roosevelt.) And when she said that his family would save him, she didn't mean his evil, turncoat uncle. She meant Luke and Misty!
So, with the strength of their love, he's able to come back.
My God, the love. I hate this art, for the most part, but damn that's an adoring look Luke is giving him.
And then they live happily ever after.
Seriously, guys. If Logan had called Scott instead of Betsy? This would have been my perfect miniseries of Big Gay Marvel Love. As it is, it's enough to make my shippery hear pitter-patter in a whole bunch of ways.
But that doesn't excuse the fact that it's a bad, bad, bad miniseries.
Here's an example:
And now, I'm going to share a scan-filled summary with all of you, my lovely flist, so that you can all view the slash and the crack without having to read the whole horrendous four issues. 24 big images can be found beneath the cut. Dial-uppers, you have been warned.
Doesn't that cover inspire confidence? Where are Logan's calves? And why are they apparently being attacked by flying CDs? (Also, this is probably the least hideous art in the whole thing, so enjoy it while it lasts.)
We open with Luke, Danny, and Misty enjoying a nice OT3 afternoon in Central Park. Some other guy has stolen Danny's Iron Fist powers, but, for the most part, he's doing pretty well.
Though it's not so bad in this picture, throughout the mini, Misty looks distressingly like Luke's mini-me. But I guess Danny is ok with this. It just means he has a type.
While they're in the park, Danny starts to hallucinate K'un Lun, and his dead mother. What he doesn't hallucinate are a whole bunch of Hand ninjas, who appear to rip off Luke's shirt (of course), kidnap Misty, and put Luke into a coma with poison gas.
Oh, the love, it's palpable. Oh, the art, it burns.
So Danny goes to Japan to rescue Misty, kick the Hand's ass, and get back at the dude who stole his powers. When he gets there, he runs into Wolverine - as you do - and they fight some ninjas together, then have an inconsequential meeting with the Kingpin, which I didn't read. He's basically just there so the book can have more guest stars (not that it needs it, as you'll soon see.)
I have no idea why Wolverine needs help stepping out of a boat, but it's nice to know that Danny has good manners.
So, all of a sudden, a wall begins to rise up around Tokyo. Turns out, Kun L'un is trying to merge with earth, because of something or other that Danny tried to do once upon a time (as mentioned in the tl;dr dialogue in that hospital scan). This... basically will suck for everyone. And is somehow also the fault of the dude who stole Danny's powers. I don't know the full details; I only skimmed. But I doubt you care about this plot any more than I do.
So now we're in the next issue, and there's a gratuitous Cap guest appearance! Because everyone loves Cap. Especially Logan, who feels the need to comment on Cap's scent not once but twice over the course of this mini. Also, I love that Logan is totally up for debriefing as long as there's coffee. He's a cheap date.
Meanwhile: gratuitous Tony appearance! Because his girlfriend is Japanese, see, so she has to be involved! I'll note that Rumiko, from what I could tell, is... never mentioned for the rest of the series. She's just a cheap excuse to get Tony to come to Japan.
More completely and utterly gratuitous guest appearances!
So Tony shows up, seemingly just because Cap called him. Seriously, the Rumiko thing was really pasted on. Far be it from me to deny myself some OTP moments, but it would be nice if the girl was more than an unnecessary plot device.
(I love Logan's expression and position here. I like to imagine he's saying "*cough*boyfriends*cough*".)
Also, Sunfire is there. (Though at least that guest appearance makes sense.)
And then Luke, apparently healed from his toxic gas problem, shows up too, because he certainly isn't about to miss out on saving his boyfriend and his boyfriend's girlfriend.
Also, somewhere in here, Logan calls Psylocke. He figured she deserved the chance to kick some Hand ass, too. And, hey, the more the merrier, right?
So, all the heroes are outside the wall. Danny, Misty, the guy who stole Danny's powers, and the entire populations of Tokyo and K'un Lun are inside the wall. So the heroes have to try to get in. Unfortunately, Sunfire turns against them when he realizes it's already an American hero's fault that this is happening. (Sunfire switches sides? Who saw that coming!) So Cap beats him up, and then Sunfire's ninja cronies attack, so Cap and some SHIELD agents decide to take care of them while the rest of the heroes go inside the wall.
Oh, Tony. You love your boyfriend so much.
Meanwhile, we cut to a SHIELD briefing:
AUGH. Sharon, what has this artist done to you?
(And can I also take a moment to mention that, every time I read stuff from the era where Sharon was head of SHIELD, I become more and more upset with what she's been reduced to in the current comics? I'm not sure whether to be angry with Faustus, Brubaker, or both. She was so competent!)
Our ragtag band of heroes fights the ninjas. Luke takes some time out to hit on Psylocke. Hey, he may be on his way to rescue his boyfriend, but Luke will never turn down the chance for a little hanky panky on the side.
So, Logan decides to go rescue Danny and Misty himself, while everyone else fights the ninjas and mind-controlled dragons (oh, yes, there are mind-controlled dragons). Luke wants to come with. Logan says no.
Logan has been alive (and around the X-Men) long enough to realize that people do really dumb things when they're trying to protect their lovers.
So, Logan goes to get Danny. Meanwhile, the Iron Fist power stealer has emerged, and Luke, seeing him, decides to prove Logan's point:
Danny, Logan, and Misty choose this moment to emerge from the sewers.
Apparently, it's a rule that all Iron Fists must hit on Luke Cage. (Seriously, what is with the chin-grabbing?)
So, Luke gets knocked out, and Danny worries. But Betsy manages to lift Luke to a safe space.
Awww. I love how concerned they both are for each other.
So, Danny starts fighting, too. And then we get this creepy Logan panel:
Who could he be talking about, whose scent makes him leer?
Why, Cap, of course! (Who has convinced Sunfire and his ninjas to return to the side of good.) Dear Marvel: Cap/Logan is a squicky pairing. Stop accidentally writing it.
Luckily, the writer seems to recover his sanity a moment later, as he immediately puts Tony in mortal danger, so that Cap can be terrified and run to his rescue:
Ah, yes. All is right with the world again.
So, the battle comes to a climax. Plot stuff happens that I don't understand because if I actually read all of the dialogue in this comic my brain would dribble out my ears, and no one wants that. But the long and short of it is: if one of the Iron Fists (Danny or the usurper) dies, K'un Lun will go back to where it's supposed to be. And... Danny gets himself stabbed through the heart. By his uncle (don't ask). So usurper!Iron Fist decides to get his ass out of there before he dies, too.
K'un Lun fades out of Tokyo. Cap makes sure his boyfriend is ok, complete with gratuitous touching:
But Danny is not faring so well. Misty (who, I must note, has been kicking all kinds of ass since she emerged from the sewers with Danny to join the battle) starts sobbing over Danny's body. Then Luke recovers from being knocked out and rushes over from where Psylocke had sent him.
Oh, it's all very sad. But hope is not lost! Because Danny begins to hallucinate his dead mom again! And she tells him that it's not his time to go! You see, he still has family here. (God, now I'm imagining Danny's mother as Newsies!Teddy Roosevelt.) And when she said that his family would save him, she didn't mean his evil, turncoat uncle. She meant Luke and Misty!
So, with the strength of their love, he's able to come back.
My God, the love. I hate this art, for the most part, but damn that's an adoring look Luke is giving him.
And then they live happily ever after.
Seriously, guys. If Logan had called Scott instead of Betsy? This would have been my perfect miniseries of Big Gay Marvel Love. As it is, it's enough to make my shippery hear pitter-patter in a whole bunch of ways.
But that doesn't excuse the fact that it's a bad, bad, bad miniseries.