i'm back!
so, i don't know if anyone of my friends are using their livejournals any more, but DUDE i'm excited about having it again.
i am happy to be able to share freely here...and whether anyone's reading or not...well, who cares? i'll use this space to vent and share what's on my heart these days. :) ...and there's a lot. are you ready?
i discovered something about myself tonight, and it was terrifying and really cool at the same time.
i realized that i try very hard to control everything around me.
through a lot of tears and frustration, my husband and i came to this realization together...and the reason i do it is because i'm deathly afraid of being hurt.
i couldn't control whether my parents divorced or not...and because it was out of my hands, i equate the hurt that i felt (and still sometimes feel) with the feeling of being out of control.
i have a very hard time with letting go, with not being informed of what's going on, with unexpected or unforeseen circumstances, with NOT KNOWING WHICH ROUTE MY HUSBAND IS TAKING WHEN WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE (????!!!!)...i mean, it shows up in the weirdest places. it is a matter of trust...and ultimately, with trusting God. do i really trust my Father? do i believe that He will always be there? yes, i know He'll be there, but i've seen through life experience that His presence in my life doesn't shield me from pain. but why am i so afraid of pain? pain brings us growth, maturity, wisdom...God uses pain to bring out the best in us. i'm going around in circles it seems, but these are just some thoughts that are swirling around in my mind. when it all comes down to it, there is some dealing that needs done in my heart...Lord, have Your way with me...please heal the places that are still broken, and bring Your presence into my life and my heart...please help me to trust You and to know that even though life is sometimes painful, You are ALWAYS faithful. You'll never allow me to hurt without purpose, whether i know the purpose or not. You are good, and You love me. let that be enough for me. i relinquish my struggle for control over my life, and i ask You, with all my heart, to let Your plan come to be in me. i love You...
i am happy to be able to share freely here...and whether anyone's reading or not...well, who cares? i'll use this space to vent and share what's on my heart these days. :) ...and there's a lot. are you ready?
i discovered something about myself tonight, and it was terrifying and really cool at the same time.
i realized that i try very hard to control everything around me.
through a lot of tears and frustration, my husband and i came to this realization together...and the reason i do it is because i'm deathly afraid of being hurt.
i couldn't control whether my parents divorced or not...and because it was out of my hands, i equate the hurt that i felt (and still sometimes feel) with the feeling of being out of control.
i have a very hard time with letting go, with not being informed of what's going on, with unexpected or unforeseen circumstances, with NOT KNOWING WHICH ROUTE MY HUSBAND IS TAKING WHEN WE'RE GOING SOMEWHERE (????!!!!)...i mean, it shows up in the weirdest places. it is a matter of trust...and ultimately, with trusting God. do i really trust my Father? do i believe that He will always be there? yes, i know He'll be there, but i've seen through life experience that His presence in my life doesn't shield me from pain. but why am i so afraid of pain? pain brings us growth, maturity, wisdom...God uses pain to bring out the best in us. i'm going around in circles it seems, but these are just some thoughts that are swirling around in my mind. when it all comes down to it, there is some dealing that needs done in my heart...Lord, have Your way with me...please heal the places that are still broken, and bring Your presence into my life and my heart...please help me to trust You and to know that even though life is sometimes painful, You are ALWAYS faithful. You'll never allow me to hurt without purpose, whether i know the purpose or not. You are good, and You love me. let that be enough for me. i relinquish my struggle for control over my life, and i ask You, with all my heart, to let Your plan come to be in me. i love You...