25 Ways to Annoy Harmony (not including Saidisms...)
I really, really need to catch up on the sshg_exchange--of which I've read nothing yet. It's been that kind of week. But recently I had a convo where someone mentioned that they just hadn't read SSHG fics posted post-HBP that matched the old classics. That made me go hunting to make a list of all the epics in whatever archive that exist in the ship between the two books--I may post that list with links sometime. Only 32 completed epic works (Epic meaning over 100,000 words). Well, I thought I should look at even Adult.Fan.Fiction, and they have no real search function, so that meant going hunting throughout and...
Well, having done a tour, I'm really going to need the Exchange to wash out the squicky imagery and godawful writing that makes FFN look like the land of Pulitzer Prize Winners. For my own sanity I made an ongoing list of things that annoyed, and I've been dared by renitaleandra and double dared by keket_amunet to post it. Not including a lot of nitpicky things that annoy in pro or fanfic, and not including WTF plots and premises like Veela!Snape, below is my top list of things that made me go back button...
1) If you misspell or have grammar mistakes (especially apostrophe abuse) in a title or summary, I'm not likely to read further.
2) Asking me to "read and review" on the summary annoys me--telling me you won't update unless you get reviews guarantees instant back button--and no review.
3) Don't tell me "I suck at summeries" (note spelling). If you suck at summaries, you suck as a writer and I don't want to waste my time (though thanks for saving me the effort by telling me upfront)
4) Spare me long, chatty author's notes longer than the chapter--I don't even read notes, so don't expect to fix, apologize, or explain the story there. Oh, and author's notes *within* a story--fail.
5) Don't apologize for being a non-native speaker of English. If you're not secure about your English, get a beta who is a native speaker in *some* form of English to have the story betaed to a level where I can't tell.
6) Spellcheck is our friend. (and beyond, check loose/lose--and it's "taut nipples" not "taught" or "taunt")
7) The Enter key is our friend - paragraph early and often.
8) The spacebar is our friend.
9) Italics are hard to read--use sparingly.
10) Bold is not the new italics. Neither is the underline.
11) All caps are even harder to read than italics--my preference is you use it not at all.
12) Don't wear out the exclamation point please. (Use double exclamation points, I'm outta there)
13) The Harry Potter Lexicon is our friend. (It's "Lucius," not "Lucious" and "Weasley" not "Weasly")
14) You write dialogue thus: "No," he said. (Note the comma--note the "he" is not capped)
15) No one wants to read 10+ chapters less than 1,000 words long--not online anyway even if James Patterson does it in his published books.
16) You don't do flashback by writing :start flashback: and :end flashback: Learn how to use past perfect to transition in and out. Oh, and most flashbacks are boring.
17) Openings consist of a character, in a setting, with a problem--and shouldn't consist of paragraphs of boring narration about what happened *before* the story starts.
18) WIPs are evil ::is guilty::
19) Non Con is *not* sexy--victims tend NOT to fall in love with their rapists. It was done well once--Hinge of Fate. Let it rest. (and please, God, not another MLC is that? Noooooo!!!!! Detention? ::yawns::)
20) Hermione is not an idiot nor a doormat nor a domestic diva--she's a know-it-all, anal, obsessive bossy boots with ambition and a streak of ruthlessness that would make Salazar Slytherin blush (See, books 1-7).
21) Snape--in case you didn't learn this in HBP--is not rich nor a pureblood. There is no Snape Manor and Spinner's End is not posh--it's not a townhouse nor a manor.
22) Virgins shouldn't write smut--or if you are and do--you need a lot more research... (Start with learning some basic anatomy)
23) Use words like "moist," "cavern" or "cove" "glistening wet folds" or "cum" in love scenes and... See Harmony. See Harmony hit back button. Run, Harmony, Run.
24) Have Snape use endearments like "My Angel" (See, Number 23.)
25) Haven't read the books? And you're actually admitting that in an author's note? Well, all I can say is that it shows.
So, what do you find annoying?
Well, having done a tour, I'm really going to need the Exchange to wash out the squicky imagery and godawful writing that makes FFN look like the land of Pulitzer Prize Winners. For my own sanity I made an ongoing list of things that annoyed, and I've been dared by renitaleandra and double dared by keket_amunet to post it. Not including a lot of nitpicky things that annoy in pro or fanfic, and not including WTF plots and premises like Veela!Snape, below is my top list of things that made me go back button...
1) If you misspell or have grammar mistakes (especially apostrophe abuse) in a title or summary, I'm not likely to read further.
2) Asking me to "read and review" on the summary annoys me--telling me you won't update unless you get reviews guarantees instant back button--and no review.
3) Don't tell me "I suck at summeries" (note spelling). If you suck at summaries, you suck as a writer and I don't want to waste my time (though thanks for saving me the effort by telling me upfront)
4) Spare me long, chatty author's notes longer than the chapter--I don't even read notes, so don't expect to fix, apologize, or explain the story there. Oh, and author's notes *within* a story--fail.
5) Don't apologize for being a non-native speaker of English. If you're not secure about your English, get a beta who is a native speaker in *some* form of English to have the story betaed to a level where I can't tell.
6) Spellcheck is our friend. (and beyond, check loose/lose--and it's "taut nipples" not "taught" or "taunt")
7) The Enter key is our friend - paragraph early and often.
8) The spacebar is our friend.
9) Italics are hard to read--use sparingly.
10) Bold is not the new italics. Neither is the underline.
11) All caps are even harder to read than italics--my preference is you use it not at all.
12) Don't wear out the exclamation point please. (Use double exclamation points, I'm outta there)
13) The Harry Potter Lexicon is our friend. (It's "Lucius," not "Lucious" and "Weasley" not "Weasly")
14) You write dialogue thus: "No," he said. (Note the comma--note the "he" is not capped)
15) No one wants to read 10+ chapters less than 1,000 words long--not online anyway even if James Patterson does it in his published books.
16) You don't do flashback by writing :start flashback: and :end flashback: Learn how to use past perfect to transition in and out. Oh, and most flashbacks are boring.
17) Openings consist of a character, in a setting, with a problem--and shouldn't consist of paragraphs of boring narration about what happened *before* the story starts.
18) WIPs are evil ::is guilty::
19) Non Con is *not* sexy--victims tend NOT to fall in love with their rapists. It was done well once--Hinge of Fate. Let it rest. (and please, God, not another MLC is that? Noooooo!!!!! Detention? ::yawns::)
20) Hermione is not an idiot nor a doormat nor a domestic diva--she's a know-it-all, anal, obsessive bossy boots with ambition and a streak of ruthlessness that would make Salazar Slytherin blush (See, books 1-7).
21) Snape--in case you didn't learn this in HBP--is not rich nor a pureblood. There is no Snape Manor and Spinner's End is not posh--it's not a townhouse nor a manor.
22) Virgins shouldn't write smut--or if you are and do--you need a lot more research... (Start with learning some basic anatomy)
23) Use words like "moist," "cavern" or "cove" "glistening wet folds" or "cum" in love scenes and... See Harmony. See Harmony hit back button. Run, Harmony, Run.
24) Have Snape use endearments like "My Angel" (See, Number 23.)
25) Haven't read the books? And you're actually admitting that in an author's note? Well, all I can say is that it shows.
So, what do you find annoying?