Don't think I'll ever understand.
Throughout the last few weeks, things have been slowly progressing downward for me. I can feel myself sinking back into that same rut that I was so intimately familiar with only a few short years ago. I knew there was a possibility it could happen again, especially since I was diagnosed with being a chronic case, but I was really hoping it was done with. I honestly don't know if I can take it again.
I should have seen how bad it was before I let it get out of control. Instead, I suffered through my first anxiety attack in at least three years and probably scared Corey half to death. He doesn't know all of the details of that particular side of me, but I'm sure seeing it first hand isn't all that wonderful. I thought that ignoring it would make it stop, which never works. And I know that; I've tried it before. I just don't know what to do about it.
It's not like I can go to a doctor for it anymore. As much as I'd like to get out of the Navy tomorrow, I'm not going to throw away all of the work I have done in a last few years. Given the choice, I doubt I'd go to a doctor anyway, considering all I went through before. I'm really pretty stuck right now. I'm not quite sure what to do to help myself.
Even when I called my mom yesterday, who I've avoided calling because of all this, she knew right away that something was wrong. She's my mother; she always knows. And, of course, everytime my mom asks me what's wrong, I turn into that six year old again and burst out in tears. I know she feels really guilty that she can't be here because she understands, knows first hand, what I'm going through. She said that if I needed her to let her know and she'd find a way out here. As nice as that is, I'd never ask her to do that. And I'm still slightly resentful over the fact that no one in my family has come to see me since I've been in the Navy. I'd hate to break the trend.
I'd really like to lean on Corey, and I know I should. He thinks that I don't trust him enough to tell him what's going on and I can tell it's putting a lot of stress on our relationship. What he doesn't realize is that I love him so much that I'm trying to protect him from what's going on. He's done nothing wrong and yet, I've already given him the brunt of my frustrations. I've been distant and short and he doesn't deserve that. I just have no idea how to get him to understand. If you haven't been there yourself, it's next to impossible to fully grasp. This isn't something you can just snap out of by thinking happy thoughts. It has no easy explanation. And you can't out run it.
I should have seen how bad it was before I let it get out of control. Instead, I suffered through my first anxiety attack in at least three years and probably scared Corey half to death. He doesn't know all of the details of that particular side of me, but I'm sure seeing it first hand isn't all that wonderful. I thought that ignoring it would make it stop, which never works. And I know that; I've tried it before. I just don't know what to do about it.
It's not like I can go to a doctor for it anymore. As much as I'd like to get out of the Navy tomorrow, I'm not going to throw away all of the work I have done in a last few years. Given the choice, I doubt I'd go to a doctor anyway, considering all I went through before. I'm really pretty stuck right now. I'm not quite sure what to do to help myself.
Even when I called my mom yesterday, who I've avoided calling because of all this, she knew right away that something was wrong. She's my mother; she always knows. And, of course, everytime my mom asks me what's wrong, I turn into that six year old again and burst out in tears. I know she feels really guilty that she can't be here because she understands, knows first hand, what I'm going through. She said that if I needed her to let her know and she'd find a way out here. As nice as that is, I'd never ask her to do that. And I'm still slightly resentful over the fact that no one in my family has come to see me since I've been in the Navy. I'd hate to break the trend.
I'd really like to lean on Corey, and I know I should. He thinks that I don't trust him enough to tell him what's going on and I can tell it's putting a lot of stress on our relationship. What he doesn't realize is that I love him so much that I'm trying to protect him from what's going on. He's done nothing wrong and yet, I've already given him the brunt of my frustrations. I've been distant and short and he doesn't deserve that. I just have no idea how to get him to understand. If you haven't been there yourself, it's next to impossible to fully grasp. This isn't something you can just snap out of by thinking happy thoughts. It has no easy explanation. And you can't out run it.