And there will always be problems
It's been so long, hasn't it? I'm writing in here because I just had this need to. Like I just had to write down everything going on in my head or it would burst. It's not like I feel like I have to update, or that I want people to read and understand my emotions, its just that I want to write to myself. Write about my life and all the changes. All of the inevitable changes...
Its not that Im depressed, and Im fully aware that Ive been through harder times in my life and that things can always become worse, but lately it's been a sort of stress that Ive never experienced before. Something that I dont much know how to handle, so I just sort of act like its not there. Which is part of the problem, because the things bothering me aren't really apparent, like death or tragedy, they're just sort of lingering in my sub-conscious, making me uneasy and tense, and only lately have I begun to notice them.
I guess it's because the problems in my life (and i know there will always be problems) started so small and have just grown and spiralled out of control. The crash and burn has happened I think, but at the same time Im not sure, and that also makes it worse. With death you know its done and nothing can change it. But with my life right now its all so complicated and it isnt ever concrete. Its based on assumptions and confusion, and most of all lack of communication.
I know I am also partly to blame for the breaking of Celeste and I's relationship. She was here often and I never really tried talkign with her, but yet she never truly tried talking to me either. So who's to blame? Both?
And then Alex cheated. He did something that in my mind is inexcusable and inexplicably cruel.
The night it happened I cried so hard. He was with her and all I could do was sit on the ground and cry. I cried for the loss of our friendship and the loss of her innocence. All of her life shes only lived through me, but now she has to finally experience all of the pain that Ive had to. I grew up so young, and watching her go through what Ive been through is so hard, especially since she wont let me be a part of it. I wish shed let me be there as she was there for me. Its not fair of her. She tries to be so independent, and it tears everyone else around her apart.
Goodbye Celeste...it feels so wrong saying it, but maybe that means that one day we'll get through it all.
The confusion of whether or not to keep alex close is so hard. He makes you believe hes such a good person, but hes done so many things that defy such ideas. The way he used me.
I never really let myself deal with that because I knew him and jon were best friends. But slowly, as I saw his behaviour mimick the situation, I couldnt stop myself. He used me. And I didnt deserve it.
I finally came to the realization of why I hate him and celeste being together.
They're proof that Im unattractive.
He told Celeste that when he first met her he thought she was one of the sexiest women hed ever met and that he thought she was way above his station.
I was seeing him at this point. I introduced her to him as the guy I liked. And knowing that just tears em up so much inside. I tried to not let it affect me and tried to be happy for Celeste when she told me. She didnt think it woudl hurt me like it did I guess.
And then theres the fact that Gavin finds her so attractive and not me. He says I'm "emotionally" attractive.....
.......
Why do i care? Why do I care that Celeste has always been prettier, hotter, more popular. Why?
Shouldnt I be happy that Im smarter, talented and happy in my relationship?
I guess its just somethign that ive carried around for so long. Its hard to set it down.
Candace, your breasts aren't as nice as you think they are.
I was so scared when I first showed him my breasts. So unsure because Id never done it before to someone I liked. And he told me this.
Celeste has the greatest ass ever. Celeste has the greatest body ever. Celeste is so hot.
I miss singing lately. I think I miss the therapeutic way it could just make evrything else dissapear. sigh
Anyways, Im excited for the apartment and the summer. I want to leave here so badly. Its not the place or even the poepel really...its just Alex and Celeste. And thats enough. I dont need so much negativity, and Im sure they agree.
In the end, so many changes are happeneing. And all i can do is accept them, paste a smile on my face, and keep on going. For my family. For Jon. And for myself.
~Candace~
Its not that Im depressed, and Im fully aware that Ive been through harder times in my life and that things can always become worse, but lately it's been a sort of stress that Ive never experienced before. Something that I dont much know how to handle, so I just sort of act like its not there. Which is part of the problem, because the things bothering me aren't really apparent, like death or tragedy, they're just sort of lingering in my sub-conscious, making me uneasy and tense, and only lately have I begun to notice them.
I guess it's because the problems in my life (and i know there will always be problems) started so small and have just grown and spiralled out of control. The crash and burn has happened I think, but at the same time Im not sure, and that also makes it worse. With death you know its done and nothing can change it. But with my life right now its all so complicated and it isnt ever concrete. Its based on assumptions and confusion, and most of all lack of communication.
I know I am also partly to blame for the breaking of Celeste and I's relationship. She was here often and I never really tried talkign with her, but yet she never truly tried talking to me either. So who's to blame? Both?
And then Alex cheated. He did something that in my mind is inexcusable and inexplicably cruel.
The night it happened I cried so hard. He was with her and all I could do was sit on the ground and cry. I cried for the loss of our friendship and the loss of her innocence. All of her life shes only lived through me, but now she has to finally experience all of the pain that Ive had to. I grew up so young, and watching her go through what Ive been through is so hard, especially since she wont let me be a part of it. I wish shed let me be there as she was there for me. Its not fair of her. She tries to be so independent, and it tears everyone else around her apart.
Goodbye Celeste...it feels so wrong saying it, but maybe that means that one day we'll get through it all.
The confusion of whether or not to keep alex close is so hard. He makes you believe hes such a good person, but hes done so many things that defy such ideas. The way he used me.
I never really let myself deal with that because I knew him and jon were best friends. But slowly, as I saw his behaviour mimick the situation, I couldnt stop myself. He used me. And I didnt deserve it.
I finally came to the realization of why I hate him and celeste being together.
They're proof that Im unattractive.
He told Celeste that when he first met her he thought she was one of the sexiest women hed ever met and that he thought she was way above his station.
I was seeing him at this point. I introduced her to him as the guy I liked. And knowing that just tears em up so much inside. I tried to not let it affect me and tried to be happy for Celeste when she told me. She didnt think it woudl hurt me like it did I guess.
And then theres the fact that Gavin finds her so attractive and not me. He says I'm "emotionally" attractive.....
.......
Why do i care? Why do I care that Celeste has always been prettier, hotter, more popular. Why?
Shouldnt I be happy that Im smarter, talented and happy in my relationship?
I guess its just somethign that ive carried around for so long. Its hard to set it down.
Candace, your breasts aren't as nice as you think they are.
I was so scared when I first showed him my breasts. So unsure because Id never done it before to someone I liked. And he told me this.
Celeste has the greatest ass ever. Celeste has the greatest body ever. Celeste is so hot.
I miss singing lately. I think I miss the therapeutic way it could just make evrything else dissapear. sigh
Anyways, Im excited for the apartment and the summer. I want to leave here so badly. Its not the place or even the poepel really...its just Alex and Celeste. And thats enough. I dont need so much negativity, and Im sure they agree.
In the end, so many changes are happeneing. And all i can do is accept them, paste a smile on my face, and keep on going. For my family. For Jon. And for myself.
~Candace~