(no subject)
I am currently in Detroit. I came in for a week to visit family and friends. It is so good to be at home! So far I have spent two days with CJ. That is someone that i am so excited to see...I mean we hadn't seen each other since 2005 for his birthday. He just had to run off and get married....then get divorced. I am very sad that he has had to go through that. No one expects to get a divorce the day they get married...all those expectations. Although did it work out in my favor? I'm not sure.
So knowing that he was (might still be) the love of my life, we needed to see if those feelings were still there. BOY WERE THEY! Jesus Christ! All I can say is that Iam glad I was having my guest. That way I didn't give up the booty totally....I would hate to have him think Im easy. We both have decided that there are many factors getting in the way of us trying to start an actual relationship. The distance is probably the biggest issues we have against us right now. That and the fact that my head is still fucked up from the Eric thing. We started watching Full Metal Jacket and I started to freak the fuck out. I mean seriously....it just showed me why Eric and Scott were so fucked up in the head. He could tell I was having a hard time watching that...I mean I was really freaking out. I could feel the ropes around my wrists...it brought me back to that day.
So we had a long talk, we talked about how I probably shouldn't have dated Scott. *Really? Geeze I figured that out once that brainwashed fuck started showing me just hot good a shot he was. Yeah I know it was a video game but WOW. If thats what happens when your mom makes you mad what would happen if I did?* Marines are not my thing...they will never be again. So anyway, I started crying because I know that I am not over what happened to me. I might be on the way to recovery, but I still have yet to get professional help. We agreed that I need to work on that before we can actually try to make this thing happen.
The next issue we have is our families. Neither of our families really likes the other person. Or at least my dad doesn't like him. I don't know how my aunt feels about him. I think she is ok with the idea, she told me the other night that I should just get knocked up with him that way he might be more willing to try and get the transplant. My mom is pretty laid back so I don't think she would have a problem with him. Besides I'm sure they could have alot to talk about seeing as they both smoke up. I know his mom doesn't like me...then again she doesn't like anyone...and CJ says that she is starting to go even more off the deep end. His dad gives me mixed feelings...sometimes he likes me, and sometimes he seems he doesn't.
So now that we know that those crazy sparks are still there after all these years we have a lot to think about. When I get home I need to find a therapist to speak to. I've known I need to work this out, but I have just been afraid to.