.::. {insert a streaming tear down my cheek, slowly kissing all my sorrows away} .::.
I'm so seriously confused right now. My heart is pulling me so much back to Mark because I do love him... I really honestly do love Mark, about as much as you can possibly love someone..... And then there's James who's trying to steal my heart... and the other night while my sister was talking to James or whatever I had talked to Mark a lil bit. He wants to try things again... and I do too. I'm not ready to let him go. Not when he's done so much for me. And not when's he's tried to get with one of my supposed best friends... He trusts me to reveal to him what's going on and doesn't go around asking everyone questions. I love James, don't get me wrong... but I don't think that in the long run it wil work out, just because of all he's done that whether or not he knows it have really hurt me. I can forgive, I have no problem sdoing that.... but forgiveness doesn't take away the pain... it merely makes it seem rather complicated... which it already is. I love him, but I'm not in love with him... and it'll take me longer than a month to get over Mark... although as soon as him and I talk about it, I don't think I'll be needing to get over him... I just don't know anymore. I was crying in my sister's arms... Crying in front of Aaron (on webcam) and frikin got him worried sick. He called me three times the next day before I finally called him back... Things just suck right now. And its not because of stress, its not because of anything. Mark finally told me he loved me, he truly loved me, and I've wanted to call off our 'break' for quite a while... like 3 out of the 4 weeks!... I just miss having that connection I have with him. I can say anything to him about anyone or anything and he doesn't judge... He listens, gives advice, and is truly a wonderful friend, and boyfriend.... He's too damn understanding at times. I miss that. I think James and I had our chance and it disappeared into thin air a long time ago... I don't think the timing is right.... I think our chance was over the day I met Rob, stayed with Rob, and enjoyed my time with Rob... And did it all without caring what anyone else thought... I think that's when I finally gave up on everyone elses opinions and feelings and went with my own.... Mark makes me want to be a better person... I strive to do things that I normally wouldn't do. I got my ass back in school, getting good grades... and its because of him... He encourages me (in his own way) like no one else... mainly because no one but my boss and sister encourage me and tell me I'm doing right by being in school.... .::.sighs.::. I just don't know... I don't know what to do anymore... or what to say or what to do... I realy wouldn't mind going back to the times where skinned knees were our biggest worries and guys still had cooties... it'd make things so much easier... but as the saying goes C'est la Vie! That's life... (and frankly, it sucks sometimes!)
My ramble de jour
~jessica ♥