Late night inspirations
I am writing this from my new lj app which I have just downloaded because I have discovered that for some reason my phone will not recognize the text box on the site. Weird.
I am also writing this from my bed, in the dark, while my husband snores next to me because I have had a revelation of sorts and I want to tell someone.
I may have, with a few pending doubts, figured out "what I want to do with my life" I have been thinking a lot lately because I am feeling a little stagnant in my nonemployed state. Not that taking a break from having to work isn't great. I am incredibly grateful for the fact that I no longer HAVE TO have a job, a situation that nearly always results in a job that you hate, just to pay our rent. I feel, however, the need to contribute to our family. A need to DO something. At the moment I am enjoying the stay at home wife gig, but I know myself too well. If this continues for a much longer period I will ultimately just end up sitting around on my butt being fat and lazy. I need goals. I need structure.
Anyhoo back to the point of this ramble... I have thought for a long time about art therapy. I liked the idea of using art to help people... But something always felt off. I liked the idea, it interests me a great deal, but I never could get excited about it. I wanted to do something worthwhile with my life. I wanted to make a difference. Which is why, I guess, I kept coming back to that idea. But like I said, something about it just never felt right. I have gone back to the drawing board on the whole career issue. Back to the basic "what do I enjoy?" and "what am I good at?" questions. I never seemed to have much of substance to answer either question. I enjoy art, but I never felt I particularly excelled at any one area over any other. There never seemed to be anything I was particularly good at. I am proficient in any number of areas... But I don't really feel my skills are anything special. After a bit of self honesty, though, I think I may have hit on something... something I enjoyed and also seemed to have some degree of talent for. I am almost afraid to put it in to writing. Like typing the words constitute some kind of binding commitment... Like the admission will create expectations which create the possibility of failure and disappointment... Next to needles these are the two things I think I fear the most... I know this is silly. But that is the definition of an irrational fear is it not? That being said, I feel a disclaimer is needed. Again, yes I recognize the silliness of this but please bare with me. I am still in the exploratory stages of the idea and at present cannot bring myself to make a full commitment because I'm unsure of the requirements. However, I've dawdled enough. I think... I want to be a jeweler.
The summer after I graduated from college my parents gift was to send me to spend a week with some family friends of ours, Bill and Joan. Bill is a silversmith and I was to spend the week learning with him. I loved it. And he seemed to think I was pretty good at it. Bill is retired navy and now splits his time between making and selling his own work and teaching silversmithing. He seemed impressed with the speed and proficiency with which I completed the work he gave me and told me I was one of the best students he'd ever had. I enjoyed every minute I spent at the work bench and could even see myself being reasonably happy with a commercial type position. Maybe eventually I could have my own work space at home and create my own work.
So there it is. I want to make jewelry. I want to play with fire and melt metal and create beautiful things. I feel an excitement about the idea that I've felt for no other... I still feel uneasy about the fact that this does not seem to benefit humanity in any way... I want to make some kind of positive contribution to the world. But. Maybe that can be separate from my career? Or maybe someday I can design pieces to benefit charities... Who knows. But. There it is. Thats the idea. Let the investigation begin...
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