its finally, actually, honestly happening. forealz. someone catch me, plzthx.
i haven't posted in forever and i keep feeling like i should. things are changing. shouldn't they be documented? i am moving away from my home, my family and everything i know for the first time in my life. i am scared out of my mind. i am alternately excited, scared, happy, horrified, confused, confident and altogether one hot mess. i have no idea what i'm doing. that's not entirely true. but it feels as though it is. i have an apartment in a place called lynn haven. i can move in on september first. i have turned in my notice to my current residence stating that i will vacate on september seventh. this is the schedule:
in other news, charles finally told his family where they could stick it. i was so happy when he told me i wanted to get up and dance and sing and fly and a multitude of other things i'd generally be bad at. i was told i must still be polite, which is fine, but i no longer feel like i must walk on egg shells around them. i can say what i think and if they dont like it, well thats their problem. i've spent the last seven years holding my tongue. i have a feeling they're going to be a bit suprised.
needless to say charles is now a lot more confident, motivated, and self assured. i think the experience has really done him a lot of good. he's not changed at all, per say. more like what was already there has been given a good spit and a hard shine and he's now taking a gleaming run toward the potential he always had. i'm incredibly proud of him and try to tell him so as often as possible.
and now that he's found all this enthusiasm, it seems he'd like to share. he's been motivated and now wants to motivate me. when i went up for the weekend he started asking me about what i wanted to do and going back to school and so forth. 'i dont know' doesn't seem like its going to hold up for much longer which, honestly, terrifies me a bit as i've never been a very decisive person. i have, however, decided that the biggest reason i never start anything new is because i'm scared. mostly of failure. you can't fail at something you never try, after all. i'm scared first and foremost that i will fail. and secondly, but nearly as weighty, that i will be dissapointing. dissapointing who? i'm not sure. my parents? my husband? my friends? myself? who the hell knows. all of the above, most likely. its taken a long time for me to realize this and yet the realization has not really helped to push me towards a solution. of course, i know what the solution is. and that is simply to do it anyway. but it doesn't feel so simple. i'm not really sure what the next step is from here. i'd welcome advice right about now. i'm now 24 years old and have accomplished nothing. what have you done and how have you done it? on somewhat unrelated and still completely and totally related note, i've been considering seeing a therapist again when we get settled in our new home. assuming military healthcare will pay for that sort of thing.
anyway. its now far later than i intended it to be. there is a giant pile of coats and sweaters that need to go in tubs before i can find my bed to sleep in it. goodnight.
- between now and the end of next week i need to find out what the military will pay for, find movers, get quotes, schedule appointments for estimates, and then book.
- between now and the 21st of august i need to clean and clean out every nook and cranny of our current residence. it is amazing how much filth and nonsense can accumulate in one year.
- on the 21st my mother and katie b's mother are coming over to help me pack. i feel like the apartment has to be spotless. this lady is like mr. clean embodied in a petite, yet quite forceful woman.
- the 27th is my mothers birthday (which doesn't really coincide with the current list but it felt worth mentioning because my mother threatened my life if i moved away on her birthday)
- september 1st i will have the movers come and pick everything up, drive out to panama city (/acutally lynn haven), get my keys, have the movers dump all my stuff in our new apartment, and then promptly lock the door and drive all the freaking way up to montgomery, al.
- september 2nd i will attend an open house at OTS to see my husband and what he's been doing for the three months that he's been held hostage. i will then attend a formal dinner which honestly makes me so nervous its quite rediculous.
- september 3rd charles will graduate, he will march in a parade and then we will drive alllllllll the way back to orange park for the weekend where we will sleep on an air mattress in an empty apartment because all our shit will already be in panama city.
- september 4th will be spent seeing anyone charles wants to see before we leave.
- september 5th is lucy's baby shower.
- september 6th i seperate from my husband once more as he goes out to our new home so he will be ready to report into base the next morning.
- sepember 7th i will meet with the office staff and turn in my keys and pay my final bills. i will then drive, again, to panama city where i will finally, officially, live for the next year and a half of my life. and i will never ever drive again.
in other news, charles finally told his family where they could stick it. i was so happy when he told me i wanted to get up and dance and sing and fly and a multitude of other things i'd generally be bad at. i was told i must still be polite, which is fine, but i no longer feel like i must walk on egg shells around them. i can say what i think and if they dont like it, well thats their problem. i've spent the last seven years holding my tongue. i have a feeling they're going to be a bit suprised.
needless to say charles is now a lot more confident, motivated, and self assured. i think the experience has really done him a lot of good. he's not changed at all, per say. more like what was already there has been given a good spit and a hard shine and he's now taking a gleaming run toward the potential he always had. i'm incredibly proud of him and try to tell him so as often as possible.
and now that he's found all this enthusiasm, it seems he'd like to share. he's been motivated and now wants to motivate me. when i went up for the weekend he started asking me about what i wanted to do and going back to school and so forth. 'i dont know' doesn't seem like its going to hold up for much longer which, honestly, terrifies me a bit as i've never been a very decisive person. i have, however, decided that the biggest reason i never start anything new is because i'm scared. mostly of failure. you can't fail at something you never try, after all. i'm scared first and foremost that i will fail. and secondly, but nearly as weighty, that i will be dissapointing. dissapointing who? i'm not sure. my parents? my husband? my friends? myself? who the hell knows. all of the above, most likely. its taken a long time for me to realize this and yet the realization has not really helped to push me towards a solution. of course, i know what the solution is. and that is simply to do it anyway. but it doesn't feel so simple. i'm not really sure what the next step is from here. i'd welcome advice right about now. i'm now 24 years old and have accomplished nothing. what have you done and how have you done it? on somewhat unrelated and still completely and totally related note, i've been considering seeing a therapist again when we get settled in our new home. assuming military healthcare will pay for that sort of thing.
anyway. its now far later than i intended it to be. there is a giant pile of coats and sweaters that need to go in tubs before i can find my bed to sleep in it. goodnight.