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Things were supposed to get better… what happened? I suppose I should be grateful for the things I have. And I am. But I am menstrual and feel the need for catharsis. I’m sorry you have to endure it. I’m not really sure where to start… this will be long. I apologize in advance since I’ve forgotten how to ljcut…
Ricky is… gone. I cannot yet bring myself to say it another way. He was doing so well after the surgery. He was supposed to have another year at least. Maybe 3. He didn’t even get 6 months. I met my family in Atlanta new year’s day. We were supposed to see ricky that night and celebrate his 58th birthday the next day. He was gone by about 5:45 new year’s eve… I flew into Atlanta at 3:00 new year’s day. 12 more measly hours… and I would have gotten to see him one last time. I feel there is a gaping hole in my heart now. Though I didn’t get to see him often, ricky was such a big part of my life. Ever since I can remember it was ‘uncle ricky’ and ‘aunt lin’. When I was little I didn’t know they weren’t family. As I got older I realized they were much more than that. He was my uncle, he was my godfather, he was my mentor, he was my friend. I miss him so much. Now that I no longer have the opportunity… I can’t stop thinking about all the things I should have asked him… should have talked to him about… but what kills me the most is that Charles didn’t know him… he was so much a part of my life… and that is gone… and I will never be able to share that with Charles… I will be forever thankful that he was able to meet him at the wedding… I just wish we could have seen them more… so many times over the years I’ve wanted to take Charles up to meet them. For whatever reason we never went. I regret that now. So much. They would have loved each other. And I hate so much that Charles has missed out on that… we went to Atlanta anyway on the first. Spent the weekend with linda. My heart breaks for her. They were married for 27 years… and he was her best friend. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to lose…… we went ahead and had his birthday party on the second as planned… though it was still a party in honor of ricky… it was more a memorial. There was no official funeral. Just his birthday party. Linda said ricky would have liked that. His family had a service for him up in Tennessee… because that’s what they needed… but linda said ricky would have loved our party… linda talked about doing something come spring… ricky wanted his ashes spread in the mountains… I hope that works out. Charles and I are going to visit linda in a couple weeks for the weekend. I told her before we left that I regretted so much that Charles didn’t know ricky… but that I wanted her to know him. Because they are both so important to me. And so we are going to see her. I talked to her the other day. She seems to be doing alright, considering. Mom says its good that we’ve given her something to look forward to… I am looking forward to seeing her as well… but staying in their house is going to be hard…
After quitting my second job under the assumption of more hours at cvs… I find that my plan has backfired. I am working more or less the same as I was at cvs when I was holding both jobs. My one year review should be coming up soon… hard to believe I’ve been there for a year already… I guess there’s a possibility of a raise… and by raise I mean if I get a quarter I’ll be lucky… I may start looking for a new job in the next few weeks. We are doing alright I suppose. The thing that’s really holding us together is that Charles got another job up at JEA. He’s making good money… even though the position is not something he particularly likes or is challenged by… mostly he says its boring. But… he’s making twice what I do for twice the number of hours I get… to be honest this really annoys me. I do not in any way begrudge him for this… just feels like a personal failure. I feel like I should be doing more…
As for the airforce, it seems that the idiots in flight medicine screwed up so royally and took so long to figure it out that all the class dates are full. Charles will now not be leaving for training until july at the earliest. Though I do not regret being married it seems we hurried it for no reason. And now he’ll probably leave just in time to miss our first anniversary. It is a rather depressing prospect.
John has been having problems with injuries with his shoulder for a while now… since before Iraq maybe. And has more recently injured his leg pretty badly. And apparently he has also been having… I don’t really know how to phrase it… mental difficulties? That have escalated as of late. There were times in Iraq when he would wake up and not know who or where he was. And now he has been hospitalized a couple times now for similar things with the addition of massive headaches, uncontrolled stuttering and slurring of speech. And its getting worse… Charles is pretty worried about him. Michelle is apparently pretty freaked out as well. She went on a cleansing spree and had dumped out all the alcohol and soda in the house. He went back to the er today. I guess his dad is going out to texas on Saturday to see him. He may get kicked out of the army…
When Charles and I moved out we agreed that once we started living together it would be just us. No roommates. It seems we may be bending that rule in the near future… we were friends with a couple through some other friends of ours… I guess they’ve been having problems for a while. I don’t really know the story entirely but I think it was the general impression that they were working on things and it was ok… they’d moved in with his parents to save money and then he decided he wanted a divorce… so since she doesn’t have anywhere else but his parents to live and doesn’t have any family local we’ve offered her our spare room if she needs it for a while… I feel so horrible for her. Its such a horrible situation. Charles invited her over last night to get her out of the house. We fed her dinner and watched a movie. She seemed so… fragile when she left. It made me want to cry…
And that’s my life currently… its not all as bad as this seems… but… like I said… my hormones are out of whack right now and that’s all I can really think about… Charles is home now… and that makes it a little better… time for shower and food…
Ricky is… gone. I cannot yet bring myself to say it another way. He was doing so well after the surgery. He was supposed to have another year at least. Maybe 3. He didn’t even get 6 months. I met my family in Atlanta new year’s day. We were supposed to see ricky that night and celebrate his 58th birthday the next day. He was gone by about 5:45 new year’s eve… I flew into Atlanta at 3:00 new year’s day. 12 more measly hours… and I would have gotten to see him one last time. I feel there is a gaping hole in my heart now. Though I didn’t get to see him often, ricky was such a big part of my life. Ever since I can remember it was ‘uncle ricky’ and ‘aunt lin’. When I was little I didn’t know they weren’t family. As I got older I realized they were much more than that. He was my uncle, he was my godfather, he was my mentor, he was my friend. I miss him so much. Now that I no longer have the opportunity… I can’t stop thinking about all the things I should have asked him… should have talked to him about… but what kills me the most is that Charles didn’t know him… he was so much a part of my life… and that is gone… and I will never be able to share that with Charles… I will be forever thankful that he was able to meet him at the wedding… I just wish we could have seen them more… so many times over the years I’ve wanted to take Charles up to meet them. For whatever reason we never went. I regret that now. So much. They would have loved each other. And I hate so much that Charles has missed out on that… we went to Atlanta anyway on the first. Spent the weekend with linda. My heart breaks for her. They were married for 27 years… and he was her best friend. I cannot even imagine what it would be like to lose…… we went ahead and had his birthday party on the second as planned… though it was still a party in honor of ricky… it was more a memorial. There was no official funeral. Just his birthday party. Linda said ricky would have liked that. His family had a service for him up in Tennessee… because that’s what they needed… but linda said ricky would have loved our party… linda talked about doing something come spring… ricky wanted his ashes spread in the mountains… I hope that works out. Charles and I are going to visit linda in a couple weeks for the weekend. I told her before we left that I regretted so much that Charles didn’t know ricky… but that I wanted her to know him. Because they are both so important to me. And so we are going to see her. I talked to her the other day. She seems to be doing alright, considering. Mom says its good that we’ve given her something to look forward to… I am looking forward to seeing her as well… but staying in their house is going to be hard…
After quitting my second job under the assumption of more hours at cvs… I find that my plan has backfired. I am working more or less the same as I was at cvs when I was holding both jobs. My one year review should be coming up soon… hard to believe I’ve been there for a year already… I guess there’s a possibility of a raise… and by raise I mean if I get a quarter I’ll be lucky… I may start looking for a new job in the next few weeks. We are doing alright I suppose. The thing that’s really holding us together is that Charles got another job up at JEA. He’s making good money… even though the position is not something he particularly likes or is challenged by… mostly he says its boring. But… he’s making twice what I do for twice the number of hours I get… to be honest this really annoys me. I do not in any way begrudge him for this… just feels like a personal failure. I feel like I should be doing more…
As for the airforce, it seems that the idiots in flight medicine screwed up so royally and took so long to figure it out that all the class dates are full. Charles will now not be leaving for training until july at the earliest. Though I do not regret being married it seems we hurried it for no reason. And now he’ll probably leave just in time to miss our first anniversary. It is a rather depressing prospect.
John has been having problems with injuries with his shoulder for a while now… since before Iraq maybe. And has more recently injured his leg pretty badly. And apparently he has also been having… I don’t really know how to phrase it… mental difficulties? That have escalated as of late. There were times in Iraq when he would wake up and not know who or where he was. And now he has been hospitalized a couple times now for similar things with the addition of massive headaches, uncontrolled stuttering and slurring of speech. And its getting worse… Charles is pretty worried about him. Michelle is apparently pretty freaked out as well. She went on a cleansing spree and had dumped out all the alcohol and soda in the house. He went back to the er today. I guess his dad is going out to texas on Saturday to see him. He may get kicked out of the army…
When Charles and I moved out we agreed that once we started living together it would be just us. No roommates. It seems we may be bending that rule in the near future… we were friends with a couple through some other friends of ours… I guess they’ve been having problems for a while. I don’t really know the story entirely but I think it was the general impression that they were working on things and it was ok… they’d moved in with his parents to save money and then he decided he wanted a divorce… so since she doesn’t have anywhere else but his parents to live and doesn’t have any family local we’ve offered her our spare room if she needs it for a while… I feel so horrible for her. Its such a horrible situation. Charles invited her over last night to get her out of the house. We fed her dinner and watched a movie. She seemed so… fragile when she left. It made me want to cry…
And that’s my life currently… its not all as bad as this seems… but… like I said… my hormones are out of whack right now and that’s all I can really think about… Charles is home now… and that makes it a little better… time for shower and food…