(no subject)
I want one of these more then I can articulate...
Because they do this...
In other news:
I am no longer scared of driving on the M25.
I finally have some pictures of my new nephew and he is gorgeous. And he is out of hospital now.
BUT...
I got another 'we worried about you email' from my step mum which just pisses me off, in fact it makes me want to throw things at my computer. Especially when it's filled with sentences like 'and even you brother wants you to do well/ be happy'... Oh really? Is that why EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I DO is stupid and pointless, as is everything I think, everything I'm interested in and everyone I know. Oh and yes, I break everything or mess it up. He constantly undermines everything about my life and always has done. And this has has a big impact on me that I'm only just starting to see. When someone who lives a charmed life, with perfect A levels and a perfect degree and a perfect job and a perfect girlfriend tells you that you are useless all the time and the A levels you do are rubbish and the degree you think you want to take is a crappy arts degree unlike his science degree then after a while you really start to feel like a failure.
I did 4 A levels because Daniel only did 3, but he told me time and time again that mine weren't real, because he did maths and stuff. I didn't apply for single honours politics because I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I tried to do a language too then I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life feeling bad because he thinks a science degree is more valid. I can't remember the last time he said something nice to me. Everything is another snide remark to belittle me and everything about my life.
My step sister has a pretty 'perfect' life too (ya know good degree, good job, good boyfriend), but she has never ever made me feel like a failure. In fact she takes to the time to email me and see what's going on and how I am doing. Unlike my brother.
And what's even worse is my parents can't see it. My mum wont hear anything bad said about her precious son. And my dad and step mum are never here to see it. And really they have no idea. My dad keeps asking me why I'm still bothering to fight the politics department and telling me it's not going to work, which is the least helpful thing ever, because I really need his support because I'm terrified. And send emails saying "well Karina took retakes, and Daniel almost failed an exam once" really doesn't help. This isn't about failing a module. That was the catalyst that made me realise that I had made a mistake and I really was/am on the wrong course. The point is the politics department as punishing me for being a dual honours student and trying to palm them off on anyone they can rather then help me. I'm fighting it because I am right, I am a good politics student, sure if I went back and did it all again I'd actually do English, and actually now I'm not sure I want to stay and finish the politics course, but it's the principle now more then anything. And they just don't understand that.
I don't even know how to talk to him anymore.
I felt really good when I go home earlier. I'd had a great few days, I was tired but in a good way and I had a mix CD from a friend in America waiting when I came home. And photos of my nephew and meerkats. On and I had a chat this afternoon with someone who used to be head of languages as APU (and worked at Unis for years), but made me feel a lot better about the uni stuff, because I am right. And she offered to look over my complaint before I hand it in as well. So yeah, I was feeling really good.
And then I read that email. And now I feel really shit again.
Because they do this...
In other news:
I am no longer scared of driving on the M25.
I finally have some pictures of my new nephew and he is gorgeous. And he is out of hospital now.
BUT...
I got another 'we worried about you email' from my step mum which just pisses me off, in fact it makes me want to throw things at my computer. Especially when it's filled with sentences like 'and even you brother wants you to do well/ be happy'... Oh really? Is that why EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING I DO is stupid and pointless, as is everything I think, everything I'm interested in and everyone I know. Oh and yes, I break everything or mess it up. He constantly undermines everything about my life and always has done. And this has has a big impact on me that I'm only just starting to see. When someone who lives a charmed life, with perfect A levels and a perfect degree and a perfect job and a perfect girlfriend tells you that you are useless all the time and the A levels you do are rubbish and the degree you think you want to take is a crappy arts degree unlike his science degree then after a while you really start to feel like a failure.
I did 4 A levels because Daniel only did 3, but he told me time and time again that mine weren't real, because he did maths and stuff. I didn't apply for single honours politics because I thought that maybe, just maybe, if I tried to do a language too then I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my life feeling bad because he thinks a science degree is more valid. I can't remember the last time he said something nice to me. Everything is another snide remark to belittle me and everything about my life.
My step sister has a pretty 'perfect' life too (ya know good degree, good job, good boyfriend), but she has never ever made me feel like a failure. In fact she takes to the time to email me and see what's going on and how I am doing. Unlike my brother.
And what's even worse is my parents can't see it. My mum wont hear anything bad said about her precious son. And my dad and step mum are never here to see it. And really they have no idea. My dad keeps asking me why I'm still bothering to fight the politics department and telling me it's not going to work, which is the least helpful thing ever, because I really need his support because I'm terrified. And send emails saying "well Karina took retakes, and Daniel almost failed an exam once" really doesn't help. This isn't about failing a module. That was the catalyst that made me realise that I had made a mistake and I really was/am on the wrong course. The point is the politics department as punishing me for being a dual honours student and trying to palm them off on anyone they can rather then help me. I'm fighting it because I am right, I am a good politics student, sure if I went back and did it all again I'd actually do English, and actually now I'm not sure I want to stay and finish the politics course, but it's the principle now more then anything. And they just don't understand that.
I don't even know how to talk to him anymore.
I felt really good when I go home earlier. I'd had a great few days, I was tired but in a good way and I had a mix CD from a friend in America waiting when I came home. And photos of my nephew and meerkats. On and I had a chat this afternoon with someone who used to be head of languages as APU (and worked at Unis for years), but made me feel a lot better about the uni stuff, because I am right. And she offered to look over my complaint before I hand it in as well. So yeah, I was feeling really good.
And then I read that email. And now I feel really shit again.