Let It Go
I've been really down lately, right? I mean, doooown..."Why do I bother?" kind of down...
I don't deal too well with sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself...I don't like the idea of being "that chick with the problems", cause I'd rather be, umm, living.
I recognized my ennui, and have been working to find my mental block.
Yesterday, Saturday, was a perfect day for introspection...
I went to work at five in the morning and stayed until nearly eight in the evening...doing next to nothing.
I was on a gigantic crew, about ten of us, and not only that...the rigging crew...so we didn't have to work on the set, we just stayed back at our truck all day long.
(Why the hell did the movie waste so much money on crew sitting around? We had a gigantic silk flying over half a city block, which we built and are in control of...so we had to stay so long as it was being used, which turned into the whole day.)
So while we were all sitting around, taking naps, making phone calls, shootin' the shit, I got several hours of sitting to myself and writing. There's something about pen to paper, putting my life on a page, that really helps me settle out exactly what my thought processes are... Having a visual to represent the things that are hurting me inside...it helps me focus, and I've honed in on some of my biggest problems.
I realized how sick I am of being bitter.
Writing, talking to myself on paper, I realized that I need to get off my damn high horse, or...stoned donkey, or whatever you'd call it...
I posted about it just the other day; how upset I've been, getting down, feeling like nobody at work likes me and that the newbies are getting picked before me... Fact is, I might be teaching that person how to hold a damn wrench, but anybody can learn to do any job. Once they know, you can't just stop them out of senoirity or cause you think you "deserve" first picks or something...
It's really not what you (think you) know, or even who you (think you) know...it's just your fucking attitude.
The only thing I've gained out of thinking that I deserve anything is the charming ability to be uppity and self righteous on the inside and lack luster and resentful on the outside.
Boo fucking hoo.
If I'm too mentally fucking burdened to have the stamina to do my job every day...if I'm not enjoying my damn job...why am I doing it?! Of course they'd rather hire someone else...
Yeah, that's right, I stopped liking my job.
My job.
The one thing I've worked my fucking ass off (back to what I weighed when I was eleven) just to get where I finally am now.
{deep breath}
Reality.
Check.
If I'm going to enjoy my damn life, I had better learn to appreciate the people around me. "Self preservation" is not fight and flight. It's community.
Sure, I'm a geek for making things, I appreciate hard work, and I'm fulfilling my artistic goal of creating a visual aesthetic...but there's something much deeper that drew me in to this particular industry, because art and hard work happen all over the place... In this industry I work my ass off and build cool stuff with every type of person from every walk of life...
All of us crazy creatures of every varying talent and flaw all work together...hell, basically live together!
It's not a popularity contest, my union brothers and sisters already hailed me into this tribe a year ago.
I'm allowing myself to let go of competition and social desire and am shifting my focus towards what got my into this crazy racket...art, creation, and personal skill development.
Together we make great things.
I don't deal too well with sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself...I don't like the idea of being "that chick with the problems", cause I'd rather be, umm, living.
I recognized my ennui, and have been working to find my mental block.
Yesterday, Saturday, was a perfect day for introspection...
I went to work at five in the morning and stayed until nearly eight in the evening...doing next to nothing.
I was on a gigantic crew, about ten of us, and not only that...the rigging crew...so we didn't have to work on the set, we just stayed back at our truck all day long.
(Why the hell did the movie waste so much money on crew sitting around? We had a gigantic silk flying over half a city block, which we built and are in control of...so we had to stay so long as it was being used, which turned into the whole day.)
So while we were all sitting around, taking naps, making phone calls, shootin' the shit, I got several hours of sitting to myself and writing. There's something about pen to paper, putting my life on a page, that really helps me settle out exactly what my thought processes are... Having a visual to represent the things that are hurting me inside...it helps me focus, and I've honed in on some of my biggest problems.
I realized how sick I am of being bitter.
Writing, talking to myself on paper, I realized that I need to get off my damn high horse, or...stoned donkey, or whatever you'd call it...
I posted about it just the other day; how upset I've been, getting down, feeling like nobody at work likes me and that the newbies are getting picked before me... Fact is, I might be teaching that person how to hold a damn wrench, but anybody can learn to do any job. Once they know, you can't just stop them out of senoirity or cause you think you "deserve" first picks or something...
It's really not what you (think you) know, or even who you (think you) know...it's just your fucking attitude.
The only thing I've gained out of thinking that I deserve anything is the charming ability to be uppity and self righteous on the inside and lack luster and resentful on the outside.
Boo fucking hoo.
If I'm too mentally fucking burdened to have the stamina to do my job every day...if I'm not enjoying my damn job...why am I doing it?! Of course they'd rather hire someone else...
Yeah, that's right, I stopped liking my job.
My job.
The one thing I've worked my fucking ass off (back to what I weighed when I was eleven) just to get where I finally am now.
{deep breath}
Reality.
Check.
If I'm going to enjoy my damn life, I had better learn to appreciate the people around me. "Self preservation" is not fight and flight. It's community.
Sure, I'm a geek for making things, I appreciate hard work, and I'm fulfilling my artistic goal of creating a visual aesthetic...but there's something much deeper that drew me in to this particular industry, because art and hard work happen all over the place... In this industry I work my ass off and build cool stuff with every type of person from every walk of life...
All of us crazy creatures of every varying talent and flaw all work together...hell, basically live together!
It's not a popularity contest, my union brothers and sisters already hailed me into this tribe a year ago.
I'm allowing myself to let go of competition and social desire and am shifting my focus towards what got my into this crazy racket...art, creation, and personal skill development.
Together we make great things.