So I've never been the best at waiting...
Patience has never been a particular virtue of mine... but, then when it really comes down to it, I know that's really all I can do. It's not my obstacle, it's not my fight, and as much as I want to help, as grim as it all seems to come out to be, there's nothing I can do but wait for the runner to get to the hurtle and jump.
I'm sure I sounded quite petulant last night. (I also sound a tad formal in this writing, which strikes me as odd... maybe it's because typing on this laptop makes me feel professional, or at least artsy, which invokes this strange and matter-of-fact voice within me... haha it's the clacking of the keys, and the way my fingers move when they skate across the silver keys... I'm really quite strange.) (I also find myself trying to type to the tempo of the 30 seconds to mars song I'm listening to rather than my own tempo... this situation combined with the fact that I'm watching my fingers and trying to concentrate on what I'm typing is making it rather difficult... *grin* you know it's cute.)
Anyway, I'm sure that, last night, I came off as too needy, or too clingy, or too melodramatically forlorn... but I am really not trying to be a martyr, and I'm not trying to belittle myself. I rather do believe that he and I would be great together as a couple. We're both quite passionate about little things... the small matters of the heart and fantastical part of the mind that seem to fall by the wayside...forgotten or deemed as useless in a world of hurry we are bustled about in. (If I'm not making sense, it's because I got distracted by the music... I might have to switch.)
Things like friendship at twelve... the bittersweet taste of irony... the heartbreaking poetry glinting woven tightly into some of the simplest melodies...
ANYWAY, before I continue prattling on and sounding like an obsessed sixteen year old, WHILE I do believe that we could be good together.... it doesn't have to be that way. If he found he could not be with me that way, then that's just the way it is. If he found that, in his heart, he wanted to be with the other girl, she's a good girl, and that's just the way it is.
He said something about it not being fair if he picked her... about me giving him something... Trust? My heart? Love? I'm not entirely sure... Maybe I missed the point completely.
But here is my earnest belief. You don't owe anyone ANYTHING except a bit of common courtesy/kindness, and HONESTY. Jesus Christ, what good is anything without honesty? I mean, seriously. Why would I want to be in a relationship where someone is with me out of obligation? I have so much more pride than that... in myself and in Love.
Love is not deserved. Ever. That's why it's so beautiful and perfect and UNIQUE. Because it is what it is, it is given and accepted based upon the heart, and the heart follows no logic or justice system.
So I wasn't doubting that he loves me... I wasn't doubting that he cares for me... I was merely saying that the choice was his... because of the ultimatum he received he has to choose between us...
I only pointed out that he had known her longer, and that he would only be missing two months of me because I felt like it was the right thing to do...
I know that he's going to really think about what he's doing... look at it from all angles, and really, really think about what he wants. I hope that, if he's going to pick me, it's without thinking about what I want... he can trust that I'm not in it just to play him, or to ruin his life... I am actually really embarrassed when people know how much I care about them because it makes me feel exceptionally... revealed, like it's something bad *sheepish grin*, but there it is. I'm on the table, all my cards are shown, I'm all in.
If he picks her, I'll be sad... I'll definately cry, and probably beat the shit out of my heavy bag, and I'll walk for miles to nowhere, but it's not like I can hate him for picking you know? because "The Mind can Calculate, and the Soul Yearns, but the Heart knows what the Heart knows."
It's not like I can even keep hanging around him because we wouldn't be friends anymore...
Why am I writing about this? Well, for one, because I've never been the best at waiting. Two, I'm sure my friends are really tired of hearing about it, and it's really easy to work things out writing them down... like a To-Do list.
In reality, I'm most bashful about how I feel... It really is tied to the whole "scaring people away" thing. I've always been one to fall in love fully and recklessly, or fight to the death for my friends, do everything ONE HUNDRED PERCENT, and I guess that intensity level can be a bit frightening... I'm really not obsessed with this guy, he's just... like me in a lot of ways... he's also really honest, which is why I can rely on him to tell me when he's unhappy, or frustrated, or annoyed, or desperately in love. Or all of those things.
I am not really feeling as serious as the feel of this entry is... or as grim, or emotionally fragile. Que Sera Sera loves, for serious.
I am who I am, they are who they are, and for better or worse, that won't change.
Peace and Love,
The Harlequin Archer