(no subject)
My feelings
Right now, I am feeling alot of different
things right now. a few of these feelings
include :
Happiness
Sadness
Fear
So ive decided that I should address these feelings, and in turn, share them.
Happiness: I am happy. in fact, Ive never been happier. I am in love. Its great. Its wonderful. I dont know why I was so afraid of it for so long. Im glad that I have had the chance to experience this, especially with my wonderful lover. He makes me feel safe. Wanted. Loved. Everything I could have ever asked for and then some. I dont understand what he sees in me, but I think the world of him. He is kind, smart, funny (Even though I dont always laugh), responsible, but still free and spontaneous. Sponteneity is not something that I am used to, because of how rigid my schedule is, I cant afford too much sponteniety... but all in all, he and I have a great relationship. I am in almost constant communication with him, I am always thinking about him, I enjoy always thinking about him. He looks so happy... He makes me so happy.
Sadness: I am also very sad. My lover, that I think so highly of, has recently left his job. This means, that he is moving away. far away. He will be staying in Kansas City, at last notice. It hurts to know that he wont be in reach anymore, not that it was easy before, but its definatly difficult now... I am sad to think of all the time I will have to go without laying eyes on him... There is a tightness in my chest when i think about not having him. This tightness wont release, it wont let me go. Its suffocating. I have come to rely on him so much in such a short time. For words of encouragement, touches of affection, for his smile and his laugh. These things fill me with the greatest joy ive known in so long and I cant bear to think of how I will go on with out them.
Fear: I am afraid. Afraid that while he is gone he will find someone new. someone more available than I am. That he will move on with his life and forget all about me. My fears arent based on anything real, just wild speculation from my brain. I dont have any reason to not trust him. I do trust him. very much. However, my fears just wont go away. I am scared that I will lose him. but really, I am more afraid of myself. I am very weak willed. I am afraid that I will move on. That I wont be able to maintain my feelings without him there to validate them. I am afraid of time and space tearing us apart... afraid of unseen hands strangling our love...
I dont know what to do... I am at a loss...
Right now, I am feeling alot of different
things right now. a few of these feelings
include :
Happiness
Sadness
Fear
So ive decided that I should address these feelings, and in turn, share them.
Happiness: I am happy. in fact, Ive never been happier. I am in love. Its great. Its wonderful. I dont know why I was so afraid of it for so long. Im glad that I have had the chance to experience this, especially with my wonderful lover. He makes me feel safe. Wanted. Loved. Everything I could have ever asked for and then some. I dont understand what he sees in me, but I think the world of him. He is kind, smart, funny (Even though I dont always laugh), responsible, but still free and spontaneous. Sponteneity is not something that I am used to, because of how rigid my schedule is, I cant afford too much sponteniety... but all in all, he and I have a great relationship. I am in almost constant communication with him, I am always thinking about him, I enjoy always thinking about him. He looks so happy... He makes me so happy.
Sadness: I am also very sad. My lover, that I think so highly of, has recently left his job. This means, that he is moving away. far away. He will be staying in Kansas City, at last notice. It hurts to know that he wont be in reach anymore, not that it was easy before, but its definatly difficult now... I am sad to think of all the time I will have to go without laying eyes on him... There is a tightness in my chest when i think about not having him. This tightness wont release, it wont let me go. Its suffocating. I have come to rely on him so much in such a short time. For words of encouragement, touches of affection, for his smile and his laugh. These things fill me with the greatest joy ive known in so long and I cant bear to think of how I will go on with out them.
Fear: I am afraid. Afraid that while he is gone he will find someone new. someone more available than I am. That he will move on with his life and forget all about me. My fears arent based on anything real, just wild speculation from my brain. I dont have any reason to not trust him. I do trust him. very much. However, my fears just wont go away. I am scared that I will lose him. but really, I am more afraid of myself. I am very weak willed. I am afraid that I will move on. That I wont be able to maintain my feelings without him there to validate them. I am afraid of time and space tearing us apart... afraid of unseen hands strangling our love...
I dont know what to do... I am at a loss...