Far Away
"If Your Dreams Don't Scare You, They Are Not Big Enough."
Soooo.... one random time while I was mom's room, she just laid all her cards out flat in front of me.
"When you're done with your degree, [inserts plan here], and we'll use the money to go to the US and start a new life there.".
So my mind just went "EXCUSE ME?", and I kind of realised I needed to grow up as soon as possible. I just voiced out to her, "Whatever your plans are, put it on hold. Give me a leeway of 5 years after my graduation and we'll see. Kirby still needs to serve National Service anyway.".
And over the past few days when I'm alone and given space to think it'll be like "What if it really happens? What if I need to go?". I know if I was younger I would jump at that opportunity and just slave my butt off for it. I know now people will go "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU NUTS?" if I said "I don't wanna go.".
In all honesty, I really don't want to go.
I have too much to leave behind. Superficial things like my favourite food, my favourite hang out spots, my favourite activites. Deeper things like my friendships that I have built, my comfort zone, possibly my career. I can't bear at the thought of being so far away from Ivana when I heard she left the country. I cried like a baby when Maxine left for Australia to study. Now I am just longing for Mavis's return, so so badly.
Mom always dreamed of a better life for herself, that's why she's here, in Singapore. I know she's dreaming of a better life for me, but maybe, just that is a little too scary for me. I don't even know whether did she even put me into the equation when she made such ideas.
I just want to grow up at my own pace. I have been living the past few years for everyone around me. I did aero because my parents wanted me to, I'm not saying I don't love it, I did love what I do in the end. I pursued a degree because my parents wanted me to. I know they wanted the best for me. I tried to be the exemplar daughter, girlfriend, sister, friend. I gave my best when it came to studies, did not club, smoke, or drank excessively. Although I made a few mistakes here and there, it wasn't anything too serious that I can't pick myself up from.
Maybe, just maybe one day, I will go somewhere far away from here and build my life there. But until that day when I make that decision, I really want to be here. I want to stay and I really wanna gather the balls to say that to my mom without hurting her feelings.