Glasses bishies deserve love-love!
Here is Tezuka's chapter in my POT fic about a young boy feeling the first impact of libidinal urge for an older woman. I've had a good time writing this particular chapter because it deals with Tezuka's most accurate epiphany the poor boy finally got some clue about what he's undergoing and he seems very convinced that he wants and can handle the pressure to participate on this dangerous endeavor. Hmmm...this could be a good partaking for Mr. Don't-let-your-guard-down. Megane LOve!
And while in the delicious megane territory, I want to acclaim that I've written this Kyouya Ootori fic because one night I was feeling really hot and I need to spill my juices (metaphorically) on something worthwhile...so here it is! There is a level of sexiness about Kyouya that needs to be violated.
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Fuji called Tezuka that morning before his alarm clock even rang. He told Tezuka to meet him in the library after their first class because it’s something so important apparently that it can’t wait. Tezuka hung up and sat on the edge of his bed, still groggy but he managed to take a shower.
Iku Agano. He loathed her more everyday. She didn’t even try to keep herself unnoticed. She’s always there in tennis practice, with Inui most of the time, sometimes with Echizen or Ryuuzaki-sensei. Tezuka wanted to know what she’s doing with these people but he has to control himself, maintain his composure, whatever. She’s a persistent distraction. And he’s growing tiresome. But not for long. He will one day turn the tables around. But what’s exasperating is how often he thinks about her now. His thoughts have a muggy thickness that made his breaths go short. It’s annoying. Besides her constant presence, Tezuka has his injured arm to worry about...and how he has to keep it in check once in a while whenever he’s on bed, buried with stress and needing a release. Touching himself seemed to be an unavoidable prospect. But he needs to be stronger than the temptation. It’s increasingly frustrating that this sort of feeling can happen to him. Tezuka tried placing a pillow on his crutch as he slept. He did all his assignments, read lessons in advance, fed the fish, folded his clothes...but once all of these menial tasks ceased, he couldn’t help but to let his hands wander somewhere down south. The thought of reckless abandon is making his head spin. Is he perverted?
To be constructive and practical, Tezuka decided that masturbation can only occur once every two weeks. He even jotted it down: M= once/2 wks. It was posted in plain sight like a mathematical equation of some sort, exposed for ridicule only he could participate on. How ridiculous but it was necessary.
Damn it. Tezuka got to school and looked for Fuji. He saw Oishi instead. He asked about the copy of the matches he prepared for tennis practice today. Tezuka handed it to him, wondering why he’s so early but he didn’t ask.
“You’ve been quite silent lately, Tezuka.” Oishi frowned, his concern obvious.
What does he mean? Since when did he enjoy talking? “I’m fine.”
Before Oishi could open his mouth for a response, Tezuka immediately excused himself, feeling bad that he has to leave a friend confused but he has important matters in his mind to focus on. He went to the library.
He didn’t see Fuji. Anywhere. He reached the last shelf. And Agano was there.
Tezuka would’ve turned around and just walk away before she noticed because it took a long time for her to see him. She was on the floor, legs sprawled before her, red skirt hiking up just above the knees. Her white cotton blouse was stretched because she was reaching for a book on her left which was too far. She reached again, this time raising her torso slightly. Her position was uncomfortable to look at and very revealing. It was early in the morning so she might’ve surmised that nobody is around to see her. It would’ve been a smart presumption if not that Tezuka was in the wrong place at the wrong time. This seems to be happening lately. Right now he just stood there, watching her and he shouldn’t. It was too late to retract because as soon as she got the book and tossed it to the other side with the other books, her eyes went on the floor to find his feet there and she gazed up, waist bent, her chest almost touching the ground, her legs tucked underneath as if she was about to crawl. There were strands of hair falling in her eyes as she looked. The position, the manner which she stared at him, the way her lips parted in surprise and then suddenly smiled made the chill in Tezuka’s spine prickle. He turned away and muttered. “Excuse me. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“By all means, have a look.”
Tezuka felt his ears burn. He couldn’t answer but then she added. “You might find something that you like on the floor.”
He finally looked back at her, face sharp with annoyance. What was she-?
“I could certainly recommend any of these books.”
Oh, those. On the floor. He could look. He might like something. What was he thinking anyway? Of course she meant the books. But to be quite honest he wasn’t interested on them. He was looking at her before he even realized he liked it. What is wrong with him? Bad, Tezuka, bad.
“Cut your tongue, kouhai-san?”
Tezuka was brought back to reality. He frowned deeply and said. “I’m finished with Wilde. It wasn’t as corrupt as you tainted it to be.”
“What do you think then?”
“I think he writes very well. His characters are formed significantly and he related their experiences in a convincing manner. His themes are not generic but rather very tarnished as you have commented once. But it was a decent novel.”
Agano exhaled and her chest heaved together with the soft sound of her sigh. Tezuka blinked and wanted to slap himself for noticing that.
“I’m surprised you managed to pull through and liked it. I was afraid you’ll find Wilde distasteful. I thought you’d rather go with principle.”
“I’m not really that conventional.” Somehow he was offended with her observation.
“In what way are you not conventional, Kunimitsu-kun?”
“For example, I do not mind how suggestive you’re sitting right now. You’re allowed to freely do that in my presence.”
“Tezuka-san!” she exclaimed and laughed. “Are you, by any chance, flirting with me?”
He fought the urge to laugh (and flirt) because he would rather chew glass. And because even if he wanted to flirt, he wouldn’t know how to-but he didn’t want to flirt, period. But he was pleased that it amused her. He managed to reply in a dry voice, “No. I am not. I do not know why you’d even think that. I’m simply pointing out that I’m not as traditional as you say.”
“But your family is?”
“Like any Japanese family, yes.” Tezuka prompted a question afterwards. “Were you not brought up with these kinds of strict, familial values in your household, Agano-sempai-san?”
“I was raised by my father alone. He has to work overseas when I was at your age now. So I lived with mother’s younger brother for quite some time until he got married when I was eighteen and I have to move to my own place.”
Tezuka nodded, fully comprehending. “You were raised to independence early.”
“I was.” Agano reached out a hand to him. “Help me up.”
He didn’t hesitate to grasp her hand and pulled her up. It felt different than before. As soon as their hands clasp, he felt a fleeting moment of weakness as though he wished to take both her hands and just keep them to his own taking. Because he needed to. The very thought not only puzzled him but terrified him.
“You’re an only child, Tezuka-san?”
“Yes.” He answered, pulling the strap of his tennis case as he lowered his gaze to the floor. Agano nodded and stared for a while.
Then she said. “Would you like me to recommend you literature that would blow your mind, kouhai-san?”
Tezuka watched her gaze and shrugged his shoulders. But he asked. “What would that be then?”
Wait. Shit. He was still holding her hand!
He gasped and let go and she laughed. “I was about to draw my hand away but you didn’t seem like you’re ready to let go.”
What the-?
“Please don’t say stupid things, sempai.” Tezuka responded darkly, anger making its way to his throat and scalding his cheeks.
“Look how upset you are!” With a swift motion he didn’t expect, her hands were cupping both his cheeks. She was grinning wide.
His lips parted and he was initially going to protest but all thought process didn’t function anymore. He was looking at her face, into her eyes and he didn’t know what else is there to do but stare. She drew her hands away and picked something from the floor. She handed him the book.
“Why don’t you sink your teeth on this one? It’s certainly to be chewed and digested.” Agano said but he was trying to keep his breathing normal as he focused on the book that was now on his hand.
“Black Dahlia?” He read the cover.
“It’s contemporary and based loosely on the events surrounding the scandalous murder of a beautiful actress back in the 50’s.”
“I see.” Tezuka was afraid to look at her again. He was starting to feel silly. And warm. Very warm. Not in a comfortable way. Especially in a place like this. Alone with her. Not good.
“You’re starting to thrive, Tezuka, as a reader that is, and you must expand your choice in fiction. Then you could move to bigger things. Make it to a point to avoid purple prose unless if it’s the good kind.”
“Okay.” He nodded and he knew he has to get away. But she put a hand on his arm that jerked him up and forced him to look. It was a gentle touch but it didn’t feel right to him.
Agano leaned closer to him, her lips grazing his ear as she whispered on it. “And let Inui challenge you to another match. He’s getting better you know, ready to kick your ass when the right time comes.”
Her words were like wind. The moment she stepped forward to lean her head to the crook of his shoulder and whispered, he lost all common sense. He just froze there, standing very erect, wishing she wouldn’t draw back. Tezuka took it all in; her dark hair brushing on his nose, the cologne she wore, the fabric of her blouse that touched his arm even through his thick garment. It didn’t have to make sense. He didn’t want it to make sense. He just liked her. Hated her. Liked and hated her.
What a wonderful feeling to get tangled upon, as poets might say. Literature, her open door, is starting to pollute his senses.
The way she whispered was coarse and low and he enjoyed the melody of the sound. It was making him feel stupid. She finally drew back and looked at his face and she was still close he can smell her breath, hear her breathe.
“Agano-sem-” he struggled to get the words out but he didn’t want to say anything anymore. He just waited for her to do something.
“Is something wrong, Tezuka-san? You look pale. Are you sick?” Her hand swept on his forehead so gently that it somehow blind-sighted him that he couldn’t see what’s going to happen next. He reacted. Very poorly.
He pushed her to the shelf behind her and pressed his lips against her lips in an ungraceful manner and she gasped in surprise, her fingernails digging on his shoulders. Tezuka claimed her mouth the second she parted her lips and their teeth clashed. She was gripping him hard but her eyes were closed and he was watching her the whole time. Then he closed his eyes and grabbed a fistful of hair from behind her head and plunged his tongue deep into her mouth. Agano relaxed at first and then she made an attempt to push him away but Tezuka didn’t yield. He kissed her angrily and clutched her hair in the same fashion. When he ceased he was gasping for breath and so is she. Agano put a hand on her throat and her face was red and she was glaring at him. Tezuka stepped back but she approached and slapped him across the cheek. Tezuka easily looked back defiantly. She slapped him again on the same cheek. He grabbed both her wrists and threw her on the table beside the window. She fell to the floor and squirmed away. Tezuka was reaching out for her and then she told him to stop and listen. She has something to say.
So he listened.
“What you just did is-unforgivable.” She was gasping for breath. She tried to keep talking. “I’m convinced that this behavior is partly my fault. I seemed to have rubbed you the wrong way and I apologize. I could also-honestly say, Tezuka, that I derive an amount of pleasure from the way you just mistreated me-which suffice to say makes me even drawn to you, more powerfully than before.”
“So you consent with this misconduct, sempai? This is your doing. I was never this kind of monster-but you have turned me into one. How did you do it?” Tezuka walked to her and helped her up, holding her by the elbows. Instead of an actual answer to his rhetorical question, she kissed him. It wasn’t like the way he kissed her. It was soft and moist and it felt like she cared about him. This made him hate her more. But he allowed it and he kissed her back. She was fondling his hair and breathing onto their mouths while teasing his tongue with hers. Tezuka pulled away. He glared. He didn’t know what he’s doing. Somebody has to explain this to him.
“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. Tezuka let go of her arms and stepped away and then he took his tennis case which fell to the floor earlier because of the struggle and the book as well. He didn’t look back as he left the library.
He felt ashamed and cruel, two things he promised himself to never become. In just one passing moment he did. And like a beast, like a man, he has violated her. She was at least six years his senior. He wasn’t thinking at all, was he?
He lost his head. He failed himself. No matter how he tried to justify it, it didn’t change the fact that it was mortifying.
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“Kunimitsu? Kunimitsu? Are you all right?”
Tezuka was on bed. What is he doing here? Wasn’t he at school?
“Are you sick, grandson?”
He fluttered his eyes open. He was on bed and his grandfather had his hands on his shoulders, shaking him gently. Tezuka blinked several times before he asked. “Was I dreaming?”
“It may seem so. Your alarm clock was set an hour ago.” His grandfather took the said clock and showed it to him. “It seems like you didn’t hear it which is unusual. So I was asking you if were sick.”
“I missed class.” Tezuka answered blankly, his head still heavy with the dream.
“It doesn’t matter. If you’re sick-”
“I never missed class. And I don’t get sick.”
“Then what is the matter, grandson? You don’t look like you can even sit up.”
“I don’t know.” That was the first honest thing he said since ever. He closed his eyes again and rubbed his temples, sighing.
“It’s okay if you don’t go to school.”
“I never miss school.”
“Stop being stubborn and do as I say. I don’t think you’re in your right self, Kunimitsu-san.” His grandfather added firmly. Tezuka decided that he shouldn’t argue and just comply.
His grandfather watched him closely and asked. “What’s the matter? You know you can always tell me.”
“I-I don’t think I can talk to you about...this.” He felt ashamed and it’s a good thing his hand was still on his eyes and it’s not showing.
“About what, foolish child! What do you mean you can’t talk to your grandfather?” His grandfather, with all his years of martial arts, grabbed his right arm and pulled him up, applying enough pressure on the elbow to completely wake Tezuka.
“Gran-please! Okay, okay, stop!” Tezuka cried out. His grandfather let go. He frowned and looked at the table beside the bed and took something.
“Is this a novel?” he asked.
Tezuka glanced at it and his eyes widened in horror. Black Dahlia? So does that mean-the library incident happened? Well...hold on, it did! It did! Yesterday, that is...and Fuji called him up about something. He went to the library and he saw Agano. Agano gave him the book. And...
“I didn’t do it.” Tezuka muttered to himself. His grandfather looked at him.
No, he didn’t kiss her! Of course not.
“What day is it today?” he asked.
His grandfather didn’t care to conceal his anxiety. “Thursday, grandson.”
Yes, yes, it makes perfect sense! Today he was having a dream about what happened yesterday...only that it was different this time. In his dream he did that disgusting thing that he would of course never do in real life! Oh thank the heavens!
“Thank god!” Tezuka jumped out of bed and grabbed his cell phone from the corner. He called Oishi.
“You’re not in school-are you okay?”
“Yes. Did you ask yesterday for a copy for today’s matches, Oishi?”
“Uhm, yeah. Then after school you asked for you and Inui to have another match. Why did you do that anyway-”
“Listen, Ill be there in the practice. Tell the teachers I had a headache. See you.” Tezuka hung up and sighed in relief again.
“Kunimitsu?”
He turned to his grandfather and offered a slight, reassuring smile. “I’m fine, grandpa. I guess I was just really having a headache last night.”
“Does this mean you have to go to tennis practice?”
“I should. I can’t not be there.” Tezuka nodded and took the book from him as calmly as he could. He then rushed to the bathroom and closed the door. He wasn’t ready to confess to his grandfather about this terrible thing happening to him. He wasn’t ready to analyze about that dream either. But he was going to figure it out. He’s going to have a match with Inui and then he’s going to confront Agano as soon as he finished reading the book she recommended.
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The first thing Tezuka did when he got to school is to find Iku Agano. And then Fuji. He has to be absolutely sure that his head is still attached to where it should be and that his brain and consciousness are not questionable.
He saw Echizen walking to his direction. “Buchou.”
“Echizen.”
The young boy narrowed his eyes and repeated inquiringly. “Buchou?”
“Echizen?”
“Hai, Echizen-desu. Tezuka-buchou?”
Smart ass. “Is Agano-sempai around?”
He nodded and pointed at the door to his classroom. Just when he did, the said woman was coming outside. She smiled when she saw the both of them.
“Sensei, Buchou wants to talk to you.” Echizen walked ahead. “He’s been acting weird so be careful around him.”
“When I get back to the court, I want to see you running forty laps, Echizen.”
The boy abruptly stopped walking and then he answered. “Hai, hai.”
He left. Tezuka faced Agano and he realized what the problem here is. He had his first sex dream. About her. A sex dream. Technically it was some rough kissing but a sex dream nevertheless. If he wasn’t having a headache before, he is certainly about to have one right now. Mistake number four.
“Have you started reading?” She asked as she approached him slowly.
Reality check: Tezuka indeed found Agano in the library. The clothing she wore was the same but he did not see her in a sitting position like that in his dream. Agano did give him the book and said that he should have a match with Inui. But she did not whisper in his ear. She did not touch his cheeks. They did not kiss.
So why did Tezuka conjured up those images? In the dream he was checking her out. In the dream he was sporting an erection (ugh!) He knew that dreaming is unconsciously done but no subconscious of his should posses such a colorful, malignant imagination, right? Right?!
Agano watched him, waiting for an answer.
“No, I haven’t yet. But I will soon.” He shortly replied.
“Is there anything else? You look like you wanted to say something to me.” Agano crossed her arms and smiled at him. “So what is it?”
“Why are you recommending books to me?”
“Is something wrong about that?”
“No, no, I just need to know why.” Tezuka bit his lower lip and adjusted his glasses. Is this him fidgeting? He should keep his hands on his sides. So he did.
“Well, I’m a wide reader meself, see. And you want to read something different so I recommend that book because it’s a crime novel and it’s very provocative. I think you might enjoy that kind of material.”
Tezuka tried not to look at her blouse. Or her skirt. It was gray this time, the skirt, a little longer than the red one yesterday. The blouse is beige-stop looking!
“I see. What makes you think I like provocative material?” Tezuka spoke in a bored tone because he was concealing his messy thoughts and his eyes were on the floor, unable to look at her face.
“I’m not sure you do but isn’t Tezuka-san very open to new things?” Agano looked at the floor. “What is down there that’s more interesting than me, anyway?”
Tezuka immediately looked up. “Nothing.” Does she always wear stockings? He never noticed before. He shook his head and repeated. “Nothing at all.”
This is crazy. He’s suffocating around her and he’s paying close attention to the manner of her dress. This is crazy.
“What makes you think I’m open to new things?”
“Why do you keep asking about what I think? Why does it surprise you that I make presumptions about you? Adults do that to children all the time.”
“I’m not a child.”
“In common standards, I still consider you one.”
“What common standards?”
“For example you ask a lot of questions. That’s a childish act.”
“Children are not the only ones who like to ask questions. Adults do that too. If you consider yourself one at that, you ask me a lot of questions before. It is only appropriate if you answer my questions this time.”
“Then you’re interested to know what I think about?” Agano cocked her head to the side and flashed a grin. “Is that what this is about?”
“It doesn’t have to mean anything, sempai.” Tezuka interjected. He adjusted his glasses again. “And I’m not interested in everything you think about, only things that have something to do with me.”
“Why do you have to know what I think about you and everything that relates to that? Does this affect you directly?”
“Why do you ask questions after my questions instead of answering them?”
Agano laughed. She uncrossed her arms and placed her hands on her hips. “Okay, you’re clearly trying to make a point here.”
“Yes, I am.” Tezuka answered firmly. “What I said about before, about hating you, it doesn’t change. I still do.”
“That is stated well although it did hurt my feelings. I was just trying to be your friend.”
“No, you’re not.”
“So you’re suddenly an expert with how I think?”
“I never claimed to be an expert about you. And you never claim being an expert about me. But I get the feeling that you think you are.”
“Oh?”
“And you’re quite smug about it.”
“And am I right?”
“Excuse me?”
“About being an expert about you.” Agano was prompting a challenge.
Tezuka stiffened but he didn’t back down. “No. Because I won’t allow it.”
“Do you really think it’s something that you can control?”
“Yes. I’m very excellent with keeping people in a distance away from me.”
“Oh, I see.”
“And that is what I’m doing with you. You’re no exception, sempai, no matter how much you think you are.”
Agano chuckled and tossed her hair. It was one of those female gestures that Tezuka and all other boys can never figure out. But it was fun to look at.
“So where does this leave us?” Agano asked as she stepped closer to him.
Tezuka didn’t flinch. He kept his arms crossed. “As we were.”
“And what is that exactly? I need to get a crystal clear picture.”
Tezuka slightly looked over his shoulder. And then he glanced back at her, lowering his voice. “You’re twenty-something, aren’t you, sempai?”
Agano raised an eyebrow. “Why, yes, dear.”
“And that is what it is. You’re an adult and you see me as a child.”
“So whatever kind of attraction we both may have for each other is society’s definition of taboo especially in our culture, kouhai-san?”
Tezuka blinked. “Yes.”
“So there is attraction involved?” Agano lowered her voice now and leaned a little forward. He sighed.
“From my end, there seems to be a slight one, yes.”
She smiled a smile he had never seen before on her. He felt the proximity tingling between them. It was unbearable. He wanted to turn away just as many times like before, like in the dream, but it grabbed hold of him. He just couldn’t.
“There may be another way around it.” She remarked.
Tezuka inquired an answer with a look. She expounded. “If you and I would not put so many restrictions with our age, if I would stop seeing you as a child and you will begin to see me as an adult but not as someone out of your league, then we can work something out.”
“Why should we?” he was almost afraid to hear the answer to that.
“Because from my end, I wanted to do things to you and I can’t without consent and without the possibility you may misinterpret is as deviancy.”
“The fact that you speak freely about this, sempai, means you think I won’t see it as deviancy, which means you think I don’t see you out of my league.”
“Is it a very wrong speculation?” Agano looked at him in a way one might look at someone with a motive.
“Not at all, I-” Tezuka realized that he was edging close and looking into her face, unable to stop staring in her eyes. “I don’t think it’s wrong. But I do think that as much as I can decide on my own, you would still be held responsible for whatever would occur between us.”
“And so?”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.” The statement came as a shock to them both that for a while they paused to understand what is happening.
“That’s very sweet, dear.”
Tezuka nodded quickly and then he couldn’t help but ask. “What sort of things-you said you want to do things to me...what-what does that mean?”
He almost cracked a smile because he has a good idea what that means. But playing dumb could be his best ticket here. His childish appeal, you may call it.
In response, Agano asked him to step away. He did. She stepped backwards as well. And then she looked around to see if there were people passing by. Seeing that they’re all alone in this corridor, she looked back at him and smiled.
“I run my fingers through your hair. You feel it in your scalp. And then my hands went down to your shoulders then to your chest and I look into your eyes like what I’m doing right now and I tell you that you’re in a safe place.”
She said this very slowly in a hushed tone and Tezuka was bewildered as he stood there, digesting her words. He nodded and exhaled, soothing the tension on his stomach that’s coiling beneath him.
“And then how would you respond?” she asked.
Tezuka placed a hand on his collar, debating on unbuttoning it because he was feeling the heat rising on his neck. “I don’t know.”
“I think you do, Kunimitsu. You just need to verbalize it.”
Tezuka thought about the dream. “I guess...I would like to kiss you.”
Agano narrowed her eyes as if she was in deep trance and her body language was more relaxed, even organic as if she was in a state of surrender to a spiritual force. She didn’t say a word as they continued to look at each other.
“And then I-I think I want you to slap me and make me feel like what I did was wrong and I need to be guilty about it. So I could-could think about how horrible it was that I did it.”
“Why do you want to feel guilty about how you did me wrong?”
“Because it means I’m losing control, it means I’m gaining something that’s totally incapacitating in return.”
“So you needed to be slapped.”
“Only when and if I did something that disgraces you.”
“You want to disgrace me and be punished for it?”
“Yes.” Tezuka answered darkly.
Agano just nodded. He was relieved that she didn’t ask where this was coming from. He didn’t know how to answer her. But he’s tired of correcting himself. He just needed to get this out before it starts to decay on his insides.
She started to run her hands on her neck and behind her ears in a slow motion as he watched her. She had her eyes closed. She was still touching her neck when he approached her and he placed his hands on top of hers and just stayed there. She breathed out and he inhaled it. He was taller than her by four inches or so and he had to bend forward to graze his lips on her cheek and finally on her lips. But he didn’t want to kiss her yet. She began to open her eyes to gaze upon him. She reached out for the circles under his eyes and then her fingers traced his nose and then touched his lips and chin. She leaned forward to rest her lips on his collar and even though it was only in the fabric that she placed the kiss, Tezuka felt it writhing and jumping on his flesh and bones.
Is this another dream? A better version than the last one? It’s really hard to say because he has no way of knowing if this is fiction or not. He didn’t care.
Then she pulled away from his mild clutches. He didn’t ask. They were in the school corridor and it would be very severely unfortunate if anyone saw them.
“So this is where it leaves us.” Agano remarked. She crossed her arms and smiled at him. “Okay. You should run along to practice. I think Inui needs to have that match now, kouhai-san.”
“Will you watch?” It was more of a request than a question. He was beginning to feel the bulge of swallowing his pride.
“I will.” She smiled wider. “I promise.”
While he was walking after leaving the scene, he didn’t find himself waking up on a bed. So this wasn’t a dream anymore. Whatever happened in the corridor was real. Tezuka wasn’t sure if he should be relieved about that or not. He proclaimed surrender to her. She yielded him. He ceased doubting himself for feeling the way he did. He was no longer repulsed of the idea of kissing or even ripping her clothes off. He was shivering with that desire, actually. He felt free from the disbelief of his actions and of the consequences that may arise if he pursues it. He felt in control.
For someone who was brought up to conforming ideals, he wants to be validated by independence from the norm. That’s what Tezuka is aiming for. He’s driven with a lot of things like tennis and winning the game. He’s driven to go for the feeling in his gut. And right now it’s telling him to discover something in himself and that debasement might be his ruin but it could also be a victory of spirit.
It wasn’t sex that he wanted. It was part of that, admittedly but not the very physical act itself. It was not Iku Agano that he wanted but she was what he has his eyes set on at the moment. It was all about her scent, her hair, her parting lips, her full bosom, her thighs, her neck, her hands that he was so engrossed of having, as well as her words, her wiles, her chortle, her juxtaposition of wit and grace that he should gain. It wasn’t just about the delight of a sexual act with her. It was more of deliverance; liberty without fear that once he crossed the line of corporal maturity he will find the mental gratification in his prowess.
So bring the game. Play with no regrets.
Look at these gorgeous icons from
And while in the delicious megane territory, I want to acclaim that I've written this Kyouya Ootori fic because one night I was feeling really hot and I need to spill my juices (metaphorically) on something worthwhile...so here it is! There is a level of sexiness about Kyouya that needs to be violated.
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Fuji called Tezuka that morning before his alarm clock even rang. He told Tezuka to meet him in the library after their first class because it’s something so important apparently that it can’t wait. Tezuka hung up and sat on the edge of his bed, still groggy but he managed to take a shower.
Iku Agano. He loathed her more everyday. She didn’t even try to keep herself unnoticed. She’s always there in tennis practice, with Inui most of the time, sometimes with Echizen or Ryuuzaki-sensei. Tezuka wanted to know what she’s doing with these people but he has to control himself, maintain his composure, whatever. She’s a persistent distraction. And he’s growing tiresome. But not for long. He will one day turn the tables around. But what’s exasperating is how often he thinks about her now. His thoughts have a muggy thickness that made his breaths go short. It’s annoying. Besides her constant presence, Tezuka has his injured arm to worry about...and how he has to keep it in check once in a while whenever he’s on bed, buried with stress and needing a release. Touching himself seemed to be an unavoidable prospect. But he needs to be stronger than the temptation. It’s increasingly frustrating that this sort of feeling can happen to him. Tezuka tried placing a pillow on his crutch as he slept. He did all his assignments, read lessons in advance, fed the fish, folded his clothes...but once all of these menial tasks ceased, he couldn’t help but to let his hands wander somewhere down south. The thought of reckless abandon is making his head spin. Is he perverted?
To be constructive and practical, Tezuka decided that masturbation can only occur once every two weeks. He even jotted it down: M= once/2 wks. It was posted in plain sight like a mathematical equation of some sort, exposed for ridicule only he could participate on. How ridiculous but it was necessary.
Damn it. Tezuka got to school and looked for Fuji. He saw Oishi instead. He asked about the copy of the matches he prepared for tennis practice today. Tezuka handed it to him, wondering why he’s so early but he didn’t ask.
“You’ve been quite silent lately, Tezuka.” Oishi frowned, his concern obvious.
What does he mean? Since when did he enjoy talking? “I’m fine.”
Before Oishi could open his mouth for a response, Tezuka immediately excused himself, feeling bad that he has to leave a friend confused but he has important matters in his mind to focus on. He went to the library.
He didn’t see Fuji. Anywhere. He reached the last shelf. And Agano was there.
Tezuka would’ve turned around and just walk away before she noticed because it took a long time for her to see him. She was on the floor, legs sprawled before her, red skirt hiking up just above the knees. Her white cotton blouse was stretched because she was reaching for a book on her left which was too far. She reached again, this time raising her torso slightly. Her position was uncomfortable to look at and very revealing. It was early in the morning so she might’ve surmised that nobody is around to see her. It would’ve been a smart presumption if not that Tezuka was in the wrong place at the wrong time. This seems to be happening lately. Right now he just stood there, watching her and he shouldn’t. It was too late to retract because as soon as she got the book and tossed it to the other side with the other books, her eyes went on the floor to find his feet there and she gazed up, waist bent, her chest almost touching the ground, her legs tucked underneath as if she was about to crawl. There were strands of hair falling in her eyes as she looked. The position, the manner which she stared at him, the way her lips parted in surprise and then suddenly smiled made the chill in Tezuka’s spine prickle. He turned away and muttered. “Excuse me. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“By all means, have a look.”
Tezuka felt his ears burn. He couldn’t answer but then she added. “You might find something that you like on the floor.”
He finally looked back at her, face sharp with annoyance. What was she-?
“I could certainly recommend any of these books.”
Oh, those. On the floor. He could look. He might like something. What was he thinking anyway? Of course she meant the books. But to be quite honest he wasn’t interested on them. He was looking at her before he even realized he liked it. What is wrong with him? Bad, Tezuka, bad.
“Cut your tongue, kouhai-san?”
Tezuka was brought back to reality. He frowned deeply and said. “I’m finished with Wilde. It wasn’t as corrupt as you tainted it to be.”
“What do you think then?”
“I think he writes very well. His characters are formed significantly and he related their experiences in a convincing manner. His themes are not generic but rather very tarnished as you have commented once. But it was a decent novel.”
Agano exhaled and her chest heaved together with the soft sound of her sigh. Tezuka blinked and wanted to slap himself for noticing that.
“I’m surprised you managed to pull through and liked it. I was afraid you’ll find Wilde distasteful. I thought you’d rather go with principle.”
“I’m not really that conventional.” Somehow he was offended with her observation.
“In what way are you not conventional, Kunimitsu-kun?”
“For example, I do not mind how suggestive you’re sitting right now. You’re allowed to freely do that in my presence.”
“Tezuka-san!” she exclaimed and laughed. “Are you, by any chance, flirting with me?”
He fought the urge to laugh (and flirt) because he would rather chew glass. And because even if he wanted to flirt, he wouldn’t know how to-but he didn’t want to flirt, period. But he was pleased that it amused her. He managed to reply in a dry voice, “No. I am not. I do not know why you’d even think that. I’m simply pointing out that I’m not as traditional as you say.”
“But your family is?”
“Like any Japanese family, yes.” Tezuka prompted a question afterwards. “Were you not brought up with these kinds of strict, familial values in your household, Agano-sempai-san?”
“I was raised by my father alone. He has to work overseas when I was at your age now. So I lived with mother’s younger brother for quite some time until he got married when I was eighteen and I have to move to my own place.”
Tezuka nodded, fully comprehending. “You were raised to independence early.”
“I was.” Agano reached out a hand to him. “Help me up.”
He didn’t hesitate to grasp her hand and pulled her up. It felt different than before. As soon as their hands clasp, he felt a fleeting moment of weakness as though he wished to take both her hands and just keep them to his own taking. Because he needed to. The very thought not only puzzled him but terrified him.
“You’re an only child, Tezuka-san?”
“Yes.” He answered, pulling the strap of his tennis case as he lowered his gaze to the floor. Agano nodded and stared for a while.
Then she said. “Would you like me to recommend you literature that would blow your mind, kouhai-san?”
Tezuka watched her gaze and shrugged his shoulders. But he asked. “What would that be then?”
Wait. Shit. He was still holding her hand!
He gasped and let go and she laughed. “I was about to draw my hand away but you didn’t seem like you’re ready to let go.”
What the-?
“Please don’t say stupid things, sempai.” Tezuka responded darkly, anger making its way to his throat and scalding his cheeks.
“Look how upset you are!” With a swift motion he didn’t expect, her hands were cupping both his cheeks. She was grinning wide.
His lips parted and he was initially going to protest but all thought process didn’t function anymore. He was looking at her face, into her eyes and he didn’t know what else is there to do but stare. She drew her hands away and picked something from the floor. She handed him the book.
“Why don’t you sink your teeth on this one? It’s certainly to be chewed and digested.” Agano said but he was trying to keep his breathing normal as he focused on the book that was now on his hand.
“Black Dahlia?” He read the cover.
“It’s contemporary and based loosely on the events surrounding the scandalous murder of a beautiful actress back in the 50’s.”
“I see.” Tezuka was afraid to look at her again. He was starting to feel silly. And warm. Very warm. Not in a comfortable way. Especially in a place like this. Alone with her. Not good.
“You’re starting to thrive, Tezuka, as a reader that is, and you must expand your choice in fiction. Then you could move to bigger things. Make it to a point to avoid purple prose unless if it’s the good kind.”
“Okay.” He nodded and he knew he has to get away. But she put a hand on his arm that jerked him up and forced him to look. It was a gentle touch but it didn’t feel right to him.
Agano leaned closer to him, her lips grazing his ear as she whispered on it. “And let Inui challenge you to another match. He’s getting better you know, ready to kick your ass when the right time comes.”
Her words were like wind. The moment she stepped forward to lean her head to the crook of his shoulder and whispered, he lost all common sense. He just froze there, standing very erect, wishing she wouldn’t draw back. Tezuka took it all in; her dark hair brushing on his nose, the cologne she wore, the fabric of her blouse that touched his arm even through his thick garment. It didn’t have to make sense. He didn’t want it to make sense. He just liked her. Hated her. Liked and hated her.
What a wonderful feeling to get tangled upon, as poets might say. Literature, her open door, is starting to pollute his senses.
The way she whispered was coarse and low and he enjoyed the melody of the sound. It was making him feel stupid. She finally drew back and looked at his face and she was still close he can smell her breath, hear her breathe.
“Agano-sem-” he struggled to get the words out but he didn’t want to say anything anymore. He just waited for her to do something.
“Is something wrong, Tezuka-san? You look pale. Are you sick?” Her hand swept on his forehead so gently that it somehow blind-sighted him that he couldn’t see what’s going to happen next. He reacted. Very poorly.
He pushed her to the shelf behind her and pressed his lips against her lips in an ungraceful manner and she gasped in surprise, her fingernails digging on his shoulders. Tezuka claimed her mouth the second she parted her lips and their teeth clashed. She was gripping him hard but her eyes were closed and he was watching her the whole time. Then he closed his eyes and grabbed a fistful of hair from behind her head and plunged his tongue deep into her mouth. Agano relaxed at first and then she made an attempt to push him away but Tezuka didn’t yield. He kissed her angrily and clutched her hair in the same fashion. When he ceased he was gasping for breath and so is she. Agano put a hand on her throat and her face was red and she was glaring at him. Tezuka stepped back but she approached and slapped him across the cheek. Tezuka easily looked back defiantly. She slapped him again on the same cheek. He grabbed both her wrists and threw her on the table beside the window. She fell to the floor and squirmed away. Tezuka was reaching out for her and then she told him to stop and listen. She has something to say.
So he listened.
“What you just did is-unforgivable.” She was gasping for breath. She tried to keep talking. “I’m convinced that this behavior is partly my fault. I seemed to have rubbed you the wrong way and I apologize. I could also-honestly say, Tezuka, that I derive an amount of pleasure from the way you just mistreated me-which suffice to say makes me even drawn to you, more powerfully than before.”
“So you consent with this misconduct, sempai? This is your doing. I was never this kind of monster-but you have turned me into one. How did you do it?” Tezuka walked to her and helped her up, holding her by the elbows. Instead of an actual answer to his rhetorical question, she kissed him. It wasn’t like the way he kissed her. It was soft and moist and it felt like she cared about him. This made him hate her more. But he allowed it and he kissed her back. She was fondling his hair and breathing onto their mouths while teasing his tongue with hers. Tezuka pulled away. He glared. He didn’t know what he’s doing. Somebody has to explain this to him.
“I’m sorry.” He said quietly. Tezuka let go of her arms and stepped away and then he took his tennis case which fell to the floor earlier because of the struggle and the book as well. He didn’t look back as he left the library.
He felt ashamed and cruel, two things he promised himself to never become. In just one passing moment he did. And like a beast, like a man, he has violated her. She was at least six years his senior. He wasn’t thinking at all, was he?
He lost his head. He failed himself. No matter how he tried to justify it, it didn’t change the fact that it was mortifying.
--
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--
--
“Kunimitsu? Kunimitsu? Are you all right?”
Tezuka was on bed. What is he doing here? Wasn’t he at school?
“Are you sick, grandson?”
He fluttered his eyes open. He was on bed and his grandfather had his hands on his shoulders, shaking him gently. Tezuka blinked several times before he asked. “Was I dreaming?”
“It may seem so. Your alarm clock was set an hour ago.” His grandfather took the said clock and showed it to him. “It seems like you didn’t hear it which is unusual. So I was asking you if were sick.”
“I missed class.” Tezuka answered blankly, his head still heavy with the dream.
“It doesn’t matter. If you’re sick-”
“I never missed class. And I don’t get sick.”
“Then what is the matter, grandson? You don’t look like you can even sit up.”
“I don’t know.” That was the first honest thing he said since ever. He closed his eyes again and rubbed his temples, sighing.
“It’s okay if you don’t go to school.”
“I never miss school.”
“Stop being stubborn and do as I say. I don’t think you’re in your right self, Kunimitsu-san.” His grandfather added firmly. Tezuka decided that he shouldn’t argue and just comply.
His grandfather watched him closely and asked. “What’s the matter? You know you can always tell me.”
“I-I don’t think I can talk to you about...this.” He felt ashamed and it’s a good thing his hand was still on his eyes and it’s not showing.
“About what, foolish child! What do you mean you can’t talk to your grandfather?” His grandfather, with all his years of martial arts, grabbed his right arm and pulled him up, applying enough pressure on the elbow to completely wake Tezuka.
“Gran-please! Okay, okay, stop!” Tezuka cried out. His grandfather let go. He frowned and looked at the table beside the bed and took something.
“Is this a novel?” he asked.
Tezuka glanced at it and his eyes widened in horror. Black Dahlia? So does that mean-the library incident happened? Well...hold on, it did! It did! Yesterday, that is...and Fuji called him up about something. He went to the library and he saw Agano. Agano gave him the book. And...
“I didn’t do it.” Tezuka muttered to himself. His grandfather looked at him.
No, he didn’t kiss her! Of course not.
“What day is it today?” he asked.
His grandfather didn’t care to conceal his anxiety. “Thursday, grandson.”
Yes, yes, it makes perfect sense! Today he was having a dream about what happened yesterday...only that it was different this time. In his dream he did that disgusting thing that he would of course never do in real life! Oh thank the heavens!
“Thank god!” Tezuka jumped out of bed and grabbed his cell phone from the corner. He called Oishi.
“You’re not in school-are you okay?”
“Yes. Did you ask yesterday for a copy for today’s matches, Oishi?”
“Uhm, yeah. Then after school you asked for you and Inui to have another match. Why did you do that anyway-”
“Listen, Ill be there in the practice. Tell the teachers I had a headache. See you.” Tezuka hung up and sighed in relief again.
“Kunimitsu?”
He turned to his grandfather and offered a slight, reassuring smile. “I’m fine, grandpa. I guess I was just really having a headache last night.”
“Does this mean you have to go to tennis practice?”
“I should. I can’t not be there.” Tezuka nodded and took the book from him as calmly as he could. He then rushed to the bathroom and closed the door. He wasn’t ready to confess to his grandfather about this terrible thing happening to him. He wasn’t ready to analyze about that dream either. But he was going to figure it out. He’s going to have a match with Inui and then he’s going to confront Agano as soon as he finished reading the book she recommended.
--
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--
The first thing Tezuka did when he got to school is to find Iku Agano. And then Fuji. He has to be absolutely sure that his head is still attached to where it should be and that his brain and consciousness are not questionable.
He saw Echizen walking to his direction. “Buchou.”
“Echizen.”
The young boy narrowed his eyes and repeated inquiringly. “Buchou?”
“Echizen?”
“Hai, Echizen-desu. Tezuka-buchou?”
Smart ass. “Is Agano-sempai around?”
He nodded and pointed at the door to his classroom. Just when he did, the said woman was coming outside. She smiled when she saw the both of them.
“Sensei, Buchou wants to talk to you.” Echizen walked ahead. “He’s been acting weird so be careful around him.”
“When I get back to the court, I want to see you running forty laps, Echizen.”
The boy abruptly stopped walking and then he answered. “Hai, hai.”
He left. Tezuka faced Agano and he realized what the problem here is. He had his first sex dream. About her. A sex dream. Technically it was some rough kissing but a sex dream nevertheless. If he wasn’t having a headache before, he is certainly about to have one right now. Mistake number four.
“Have you started reading?” She asked as she approached him slowly.
Reality check: Tezuka indeed found Agano in the library. The clothing she wore was the same but he did not see her in a sitting position like that in his dream. Agano did give him the book and said that he should have a match with Inui. But she did not whisper in his ear. She did not touch his cheeks. They did not kiss.
So why did Tezuka conjured up those images? In the dream he was checking her out. In the dream he was sporting an erection (ugh!) He knew that dreaming is unconsciously done but no subconscious of his should posses such a colorful, malignant imagination, right? Right?!
Agano watched him, waiting for an answer.
“No, I haven’t yet. But I will soon.” He shortly replied.
“Is there anything else? You look like you wanted to say something to me.” Agano crossed her arms and smiled at him. “So what is it?”
“Why are you recommending books to me?”
“Is something wrong about that?”
“No, no, I just need to know why.” Tezuka bit his lower lip and adjusted his glasses. Is this him fidgeting? He should keep his hands on his sides. So he did.
“Well, I’m a wide reader meself, see. And you want to read something different so I recommend that book because it’s a crime novel and it’s very provocative. I think you might enjoy that kind of material.”
Tezuka tried not to look at her blouse. Or her skirt. It was gray this time, the skirt, a little longer than the red one yesterday. The blouse is beige-stop looking!
“I see. What makes you think I like provocative material?” Tezuka spoke in a bored tone because he was concealing his messy thoughts and his eyes were on the floor, unable to look at her face.
“I’m not sure you do but isn’t Tezuka-san very open to new things?” Agano looked at the floor. “What is down there that’s more interesting than me, anyway?”
Tezuka immediately looked up. “Nothing.” Does she always wear stockings? He never noticed before. He shook his head and repeated. “Nothing at all.”
This is crazy. He’s suffocating around her and he’s paying close attention to the manner of her dress. This is crazy.
“What makes you think I’m open to new things?”
“Why do you keep asking about what I think? Why does it surprise you that I make presumptions about you? Adults do that to children all the time.”
“I’m not a child.”
“In common standards, I still consider you one.”
“What common standards?”
“For example you ask a lot of questions. That’s a childish act.”
“Children are not the only ones who like to ask questions. Adults do that too. If you consider yourself one at that, you ask me a lot of questions before. It is only appropriate if you answer my questions this time.”
“Then you’re interested to know what I think about?” Agano cocked her head to the side and flashed a grin. “Is that what this is about?”
“It doesn’t have to mean anything, sempai.” Tezuka interjected. He adjusted his glasses again. “And I’m not interested in everything you think about, only things that have something to do with me.”
“Why do you have to know what I think about you and everything that relates to that? Does this affect you directly?”
“Why do you ask questions after my questions instead of answering them?”
Agano laughed. She uncrossed her arms and placed her hands on her hips. “Okay, you’re clearly trying to make a point here.”
“Yes, I am.” Tezuka answered firmly. “What I said about before, about hating you, it doesn’t change. I still do.”
“That is stated well although it did hurt my feelings. I was just trying to be your friend.”
“No, you’re not.”
“So you’re suddenly an expert with how I think?”
“I never claimed to be an expert about you. And you never claim being an expert about me. But I get the feeling that you think you are.”
“Oh?”
“And you’re quite smug about it.”
“And am I right?”
“Excuse me?”
“About being an expert about you.” Agano was prompting a challenge.
Tezuka stiffened but he didn’t back down. “No. Because I won’t allow it.”
“Do you really think it’s something that you can control?”
“Yes. I’m very excellent with keeping people in a distance away from me.”
“Oh, I see.”
“And that is what I’m doing with you. You’re no exception, sempai, no matter how much you think you are.”
Agano chuckled and tossed her hair. It was one of those female gestures that Tezuka and all other boys can never figure out. But it was fun to look at.
“So where does this leave us?” Agano asked as she stepped closer to him.
Tezuka didn’t flinch. He kept his arms crossed. “As we were.”
“And what is that exactly? I need to get a crystal clear picture.”
Tezuka slightly looked over his shoulder. And then he glanced back at her, lowering his voice. “You’re twenty-something, aren’t you, sempai?”
Agano raised an eyebrow. “Why, yes, dear.”
“And that is what it is. You’re an adult and you see me as a child.”
“So whatever kind of attraction we both may have for each other is society’s definition of taboo especially in our culture, kouhai-san?”
Tezuka blinked. “Yes.”
“So there is attraction involved?” Agano lowered her voice now and leaned a little forward. He sighed.
“From my end, there seems to be a slight one, yes.”
She smiled a smile he had never seen before on her. He felt the proximity tingling between them. It was unbearable. He wanted to turn away just as many times like before, like in the dream, but it grabbed hold of him. He just couldn’t.
“There may be another way around it.” She remarked.
Tezuka inquired an answer with a look. She expounded. “If you and I would not put so many restrictions with our age, if I would stop seeing you as a child and you will begin to see me as an adult but not as someone out of your league, then we can work something out.”
“Why should we?” he was almost afraid to hear the answer to that.
“Because from my end, I wanted to do things to you and I can’t without consent and without the possibility you may misinterpret is as deviancy.”
“The fact that you speak freely about this, sempai, means you think I won’t see it as deviancy, which means you think I don’t see you out of my league.”
“Is it a very wrong speculation?” Agano looked at him in a way one might look at someone with a motive.
“Not at all, I-” Tezuka realized that he was edging close and looking into her face, unable to stop staring in her eyes. “I don’t think it’s wrong. But I do think that as much as I can decide on my own, you would still be held responsible for whatever would occur between us.”
“And so?”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.” The statement came as a shock to them both that for a while they paused to understand what is happening.
“That’s very sweet, dear.”
Tezuka nodded quickly and then he couldn’t help but ask. “What sort of things-you said you want to do things to me...what-what does that mean?”
He almost cracked a smile because he has a good idea what that means. But playing dumb could be his best ticket here. His childish appeal, you may call it.
In response, Agano asked him to step away. He did. She stepped backwards as well. And then she looked around to see if there were people passing by. Seeing that they’re all alone in this corridor, she looked back at him and smiled.
“I run my fingers through your hair. You feel it in your scalp. And then my hands went down to your shoulders then to your chest and I look into your eyes like what I’m doing right now and I tell you that you’re in a safe place.”
She said this very slowly in a hushed tone and Tezuka was bewildered as he stood there, digesting her words. He nodded and exhaled, soothing the tension on his stomach that’s coiling beneath him.
“And then how would you respond?” she asked.
Tezuka placed a hand on his collar, debating on unbuttoning it because he was feeling the heat rising on his neck. “I don’t know.”
“I think you do, Kunimitsu. You just need to verbalize it.”
Tezuka thought about the dream. “I guess...I would like to kiss you.”
Agano narrowed her eyes as if she was in deep trance and her body language was more relaxed, even organic as if she was in a state of surrender to a spiritual force. She didn’t say a word as they continued to look at each other.
“And then I-I think I want you to slap me and make me feel like what I did was wrong and I need to be guilty about it. So I could-could think about how horrible it was that I did it.”
“Why do you want to feel guilty about how you did me wrong?”
“Because it means I’m losing control, it means I’m gaining something that’s totally incapacitating in return.”
“So you needed to be slapped.”
“Only when and if I did something that disgraces you.”
“You want to disgrace me and be punished for it?”
“Yes.” Tezuka answered darkly.
Agano just nodded. He was relieved that she didn’t ask where this was coming from. He didn’t know how to answer her. But he’s tired of correcting himself. He just needed to get this out before it starts to decay on his insides.
She started to run her hands on her neck and behind her ears in a slow motion as he watched her. She had her eyes closed. She was still touching her neck when he approached her and he placed his hands on top of hers and just stayed there. She breathed out and he inhaled it. He was taller than her by four inches or so and he had to bend forward to graze his lips on her cheek and finally on her lips. But he didn’t want to kiss her yet. She began to open her eyes to gaze upon him. She reached out for the circles under his eyes and then her fingers traced his nose and then touched his lips and chin. She leaned forward to rest her lips on his collar and even though it was only in the fabric that she placed the kiss, Tezuka felt it writhing and jumping on his flesh and bones.
Is this another dream? A better version than the last one? It’s really hard to say because he has no way of knowing if this is fiction or not. He didn’t care.
Then she pulled away from his mild clutches. He didn’t ask. They were in the school corridor and it would be very severely unfortunate if anyone saw them.
“So this is where it leaves us.” Agano remarked. She crossed her arms and smiled at him. “Okay. You should run along to practice. I think Inui needs to have that match now, kouhai-san.”
“Will you watch?” It was more of a request than a question. He was beginning to feel the bulge of swallowing his pride.
“I will.” She smiled wider. “I promise.”
While he was walking after leaving the scene, he didn’t find himself waking up on a bed. So this wasn’t a dream anymore. Whatever happened in the corridor was real. Tezuka wasn’t sure if he should be relieved about that or not. He proclaimed surrender to her. She yielded him. He ceased doubting himself for feeling the way he did. He was no longer repulsed of the idea of kissing or even ripping her clothes off. He was shivering with that desire, actually. He felt free from the disbelief of his actions and of the consequences that may arise if he pursues it. He felt in control.
For someone who was brought up to conforming ideals, he wants to be validated by independence from the norm. That’s what Tezuka is aiming for. He’s driven with a lot of things like tennis and winning the game. He’s driven to go for the feeling in his gut. And right now it’s telling him to discover something in himself and that debasement might be his ruin but it could also be a victory of spirit.
It wasn’t sex that he wanted. It was part of that, admittedly but not the very physical act itself. It was not Iku Agano that he wanted but she was what he has his eyes set on at the moment. It was all about her scent, her hair, her parting lips, her full bosom, her thighs, her neck, her hands that he was so engrossed of having, as well as her words, her wiles, her chortle, her juxtaposition of wit and grace that he should gain. It wasn’t just about the delight of a sexual act with her. It was more of deliverance; liberty without fear that once he crossed the line of corporal maturity he will find the mental gratification in his prowess.
So bring the game. Play with no regrets.
Look at these gorgeous icons from