when there's nothing else to burn...
I am about to go for a run, and then I can almost guarantee that I will feel at least three and a half times better than I do right now.
I got to work early today, for the first time in forever, I was even wearing my super uncomfortable dress shoes. I need to go buy some new ones, both for work and for running in. I'm such a slave to fashion...
Helped Val finish the board reports, and get them all mailed out; she even let me fill out the customs form for the Canadian one! The best part about board report time is getting to read my copy on the bus ride home. I really like that I'm able to see the same things the board members see. It also makes me realize how hard it's gotta be for our CEO, he works so hard and takes a lot of crap from everybody. I hope he stays on board, because I don't want to roll the dice with a new one.
Jeremy's back in town, because school started today. It's nice to not be alone all the time with Scott. It's really frustrating when it feels like Scott's the only friend I've got, I start to get annoyed with him, and it's not his fault. Again, I can't expect my friends to come to me, or even stay put, and I just need to work harder to either figure out where I need to go to do what I need to do that will make me fulfilled and happy, or if this is the place, then I need to start finding new friends. Tasha's been around too, but she's a vampire woman who works at night and sleeps in until lunch time. I hope Allison never got as annoyed with me as I usually am with Scott. I wish I'd get a raise so I could move out.
Jeremy got a new gun, which is apparently a P.O.S. but it's also the gun that Han Solo's prop blaster is made from. After being absolutely positive there weren't any bullets in there, I ran around the house pretending to save Wookiees, for like three minutes. Best three minutes of my day.
So anyway I need to believe in myself again, and it's weird but I haven't really done it since I moved here. I'm not trying to be a defeatist, and I know I've had little moments of triumph since then, but it's just something I need to work on. I was on this amazing role in college, I was an award-winning DJ, I learned how to ice skate, and SCUBA dive, and eat spicy food, and love sushi, and drink liquor, and hula hoop, and I went to Canada and snuck into a museum, and floated down a river, and projected 16mm films in my underwear, and got good enough at the guitar to play a show on campus, and climbed a big tree, learned to play dancing video games, and shoot a gun, caught wild crabs and even managed to bring them all the way back to the shore, I built a snowman, and played Puck in a zombie adaptation of Midsummer Night's Dream, I was in the best shape of my life, and even managed to find a girl who loved me back.
Now it's like I was shooting through the stratosphere, which is full of so much stuff, and now I'm broken into space, and sure there's things in space, like dust, and little rocks, and rays of light, but I'm not in this environment right now with a lot of stimuli, and I have to fight the instinct to just cocoon myself up and for the first time really I have to actively grab onto those little things, because they're not just everywhere anymore.
The point is, that somewhere I know I'm awesome, but I need to get some forward motion so I can start remembering it.
The whole Allison thing still brings me down a lot, but she's a different person now, and so am I. They say that most of your cells will replace themselves in the course of seven years, some folks say everything but the dna will be continually replaced until you kick off. I guess the point is, that I should try not to be nostalgic, since a lot of me never even knew her already, and most of me was never there in 2007 or in 2006. I guess I don't get sad about all the other great things I've done, so I should just be glad that I had such a great companion in hurricane winds, and on the tops of mountains, and swimming in the sea, and climbing old towers, and going to concerts.
I think after I moved here I was just crippled by this sense of inadequacy pertaining to my new role as an adult in this world, and while I've struggled to find my place, I was able to find some sense of solace in having a relatively clearly-defined place of importance in someone else's life. It was like this touchstone that made me feel that if I was still her love, then I had value, even if I couldn't recognize it, but it helped to know that it was there.
I know I need to quit analyzing this stuff, but it needs to get out of my head somewhere, and I try to keep it public. Is any of this even a little bit interesting? I wouldn't expect anyone to want to hear me go on and on for months and months about all the same old baggage, so I sort of think of this as a way to passively confide in the people who know me well enough to know where to look.
Does anyone even read this? Like really?
If you mad it this far, I'm going to reward you with a picture of the Lambretta I'm going to bid on at our auction in a couple weeks:
I got to work early today, for the first time in forever, I was even wearing my super uncomfortable dress shoes. I need to go buy some new ones, both for work and for running in. I'm such a slave to fashion...
Helped Val finish the board reports, and get them all mailed out; she even let me fill out the customs form for the Canadian one! The best part about board report time is getting to read my copy on the bus ride home. I really like that I'm able to see the same things the board members see. It also makes me realize how hard it's gotta be for our CEO, he works so hard and takes a lot of crap from everybody. I hope he stays on board, because I don't want to roll the dice with a new one.
Jeremy's back in town, because school started today. It's nice to not be alone all the time with Scott. It's really frustrating when it feels like Scott's the only friend I've got, I start to get annoyed with him, and it's not his fault. Again, I can't expect my friends to come to me, or even stay put, and I just need to work harder to either figure out where I need to go to do what I need to do that will make me fulfilled and happy, or if this is the place, then I need to start finding new friends. Tasha's been around too, but she's a vampire woman who works at night and sleeps in until lunch time. I hope Allison never got as annoyed with me as I usually am with Scott. I wish I'd get a raise so I could move out.
Jeremy got a new gun, which is apparently a P.O.S. but it's also the gun that Han Solo's prop blaster is made from. After being absolutely positive there weren't any bullets in there, I ran around the house pretending to save Wookiees, for like three minutes. Best three minutes of my day.
So anyway I need to believe in myself again, and it's weird but I haven't really done it since I moved here. I'm not trying to be a defeatist, and I know I've had little moments of triumph since then, but it's just something I need to work on. I was on this amazing role in college, I was an award-winning DJ, I learned how to ice skate, and SCUBA dive, and eat spicy food, and love sushi, and drink liquor, and hula hoop, and I went to Canada and snuck into a museum, and floated down a river, and projected 16mm films in my underwear, and got good enough at the guitar to play a show on campus, and climbed a big tree, learned to play dancing video games, and shoot a gun, caught wild crabs and even managed to bring them all the way back to the shore, I built a snowman, and played Puck in a zombie adaptation of Midsummer Night's Dream, I was in the best shape of my life, and even managed to find a girl who loved me back.
Now it's like I was shooting through the stratosphere, which is full of so much stuff, and now I'm broken into space, and sure there's things in space, like dust, and little rocks, and rays of light, but I'm not in this environment right now with a lot of stimuli, and I have to fight the instinct to just cocoon myself up and for the first time really I have to actively grab onto those little things, because they're not just everywhere anymore.
The point is, that somewhere I know I'm awesome, but I need to get some forward motion so I can start remembering it.
The whole Allison thing still brings me down a lot, but she's a different person now, and so am I. They say that most of your cells will replace themselves in the course of seven years, some folks say everything but the dna will be continually replaced until you kick off. I guess the point is, that I should try not to be nostalgic, since a lot of me never even knew her already, and most of me was never there in 2007 or in 2006. I guess I don't get sad about all the other great things I've done, so I should just be glad that I had such a great companion in hurricane winds, and on the tops of mountains, and swimming in the sea, and climbing old towers, and going to concerts.
I think after I moved here I was just crippled by this sense of inadequacy pertaining to my new role as an adult in this world, and while I've struggled to find my place, I was able to find some sense of solace in having a relatively clearly-defined place of importance in someone else's life. It was like this touchstone that made me feel that if I was still her love, then I had value, even if I couldn't recognize it, but it helped to know that it was there.
I know I need to quit analyzing this stuff, but it needs to get out of my head somewhere, and I try to keep it public. Is any of this even a little bit interesting? I wouldn't expect anyone to want to hear me go on and on for months and months about all the same old baggage, so I sort of think of this as a way to passively confide in the people who know me well enough to know where to look.
Does anyone even read this? Like really?
If you mad it this far, I'm going to reward you with a picture of the Lambretta I'm going to bid on at our auction in a couple weeks: