Mind wanders when I can't sleep
I cleaned out my closets...emptied..threw out the old..saved the precious...and was constantly hit by memory after memory..The shirt that I bought right after my first movie audtion, my old lame BSB shirt, and my Our Town Rca signed shirt. I found memories of old friends, lovers, acquaintences ( i think thats how u spell it?), etc...and then it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Sensory images of love and memories that I should just dig deep down in my subconscious for my dreams to deal with. And now I can't help but look at my stash of old photos. of [ ]. of "that". of watever it was finally defined to be. I hate myself for it and have been for a good month now (probably more if I was being honest with myself) and I need to stop. First I need to stop hating myself for it, maybe i am honestly not supposed to forget how it tastes and should embrace it instead of pushing it away, i am going to cry regardless...I was happy. and felt a connection that surpassed anything i have ever experienced. People assume that I am lost in this limbo, and am not able to attempt with others. That quite the opposite. Its just that I know wat I want. and like ive said in the past if something bigger and better came along I would be on it. but nothing has come and even though its not like I am looking for anything. But I just miss it. I still feel somewhat cheated, but wat can one do. No one ever said this was going to be easy, I guess this time I just have to be older and grown up and fight harder than before and stop letting myself get trampled by well tramps....who knows..I just want that flavor back in my mouth. For being sad and lonely doesn't taste very good.
On another note...im REAL sad that Jess is moving to tennessee for school but it will be good for her and we are gonna make the best of it. I miss my Amanda and I can't wait to see her. Both of them mean so much to me and have helped me out so much that I love them unconditionally..erg can't wait for things to get even better.
♥
On another note...im REAL sad that Jess is moving to tennessee for school but it will be good for her and we are gonna make the best of it. I miss my Amanda and I can't wait to see her. Both of them mean so much to me and have helped me out so much that I love them unconditionally..erg can't wait for things to get even better.
♥